Shock And Awe

[kayc]

You will find a "new normal" as the "old normal" is gone forever. I'm glad you have a group of people you feel comfortable with, that's so important. Remember, the person that withdrew...that's normal too, sometimes people withdraw or take a sabbatical when they're grieving. They'll likely resurface.

[iPraiseHim]

Rough day. Tomorrow will be ten weeks, seventy days since my wife died. I miss her in so many ways. The person who I thought understood about grieving the loss of spouse has decided to "move on" and says I should do the same. I'm readjusting my expectations of other people. I find I do better when I focus on Christ than on what I'm missing or lacking. More of God and less of me and my wants and desires. I would like to feel better some day about all of this. It feels like I'm just doing time for some reason. Life is numbing and lonely. I found out the weekly care group will stop meeting after May until the fall. oh goody.

My Good news is my teeth are cleaned and gums are healing but the dentist found another cavity because I told them the dental floss was hanging between a couple of my teeth. I need another $1,600 to get cavities fixed, a crown and root canal. Also, a friend from church has built some porch rails and repaired the porch rails so my home looks and feels better. There is much more to repair. I get down thinking about it because my income is limited. I'm still having some issues with my feet, muscles, and pain issues. It is suppose to get better right? I pray so. Shalom

[kayc]

Yes, I hope it gets better. I, too, need to remember to turn to God more.

I understand about the limited income, there is so much that needs done here but I have to prioritize. I'm glad you got some help with your porch rails! I'm sorry a person let you down, I know how that feels. It's hard to readjust expectations of people...I don't expect anything of people that I wouldn't do/give, but that often leaves us wanting. I guess we have to make our needs known to God and pray He'll come through in some form.

$1,600 sounds like a lot for dental work, but I know all that work is so expensive nowadays. It makes me hate to go to the dentist next month! I hope you're able to make payments...

[iPraiseHim]

I have still been struggling and grieving for my wife. It seems like it never stops. Tomorrow, May 2, is the 27th year anniversary of the day I met my precious wife. That day changed my life in so many ways. She brought such joy to my life on a daily basis. I miss "us" so much. I hated being single and alone and i don't like it any better now. Life feels like I'm doing time but I don't know what my crime was. Everyone thinks I'm doing better. (Who wants to see a grown man cry!) I am trying to understand the purpose in all of this emotional suffering. I am blessed with a good career, home, food, church etc... . It is difficult to see what good can come out of all this. May is a rough month with first memories, birthdays and special times together. I am just praying to accept life as it is and do God's will. This is a dark time in this season of life. Shalom

[kayc]

iPraiseHim,

I hope today brings you comfort as you reflect on having met your wife 27 years ago. I know for me that is a very special day, as is our wedding anniversary. I hope it brings you happy memories, even though bittersweet because she's not with you now.

[iPraiseHim]

More memories of first days, first kiss, first hug, etc... Today is also my Mom's birthday. She passed away 7 years ago and there have been no Mothers day celebrations since she died.

This is a good day for other GOOD memories but I'm aware that memories are in the past and I can not live there too long. I love my wife dearly but now she is somewhat frozen in the past.

I have been remembering the day I found her lifeless body when I came home and screamed, " No GOD , please not today!" When I called 911 apparently my voice was so high pitched the operator thought I was a female. I was truly SHOCKED and remember saying awe God did she really have to die Today?" I remembering covering her with the blanket because she felt cold.

I've been having trouble sleeping again so I'm going back to the routine that helps me to relax and optimizes my sleep. I've realized that i need to MOVE Forward with life. I still cry, get angry and shout in the house sometimes when I get frustrated.

Sometimes people will let you down. Even people with the best intentions. The comfort of this place is that people here listen, and are either going through grief in one form or another. I would of never chosen this path because i like to avoid pain. But I 'm blessed to know my precious wife doesn't have to go through this.

I had a dear friend assure me that my wife didn't suffer and I did everything I could to make here life comfortable. She was disabled and too weak to work for six years. In fact, she died exactly six years from the date that she said she was too weak to go to work.(FEB 16, 2009-FEB 16, 2015)

So I'm trying to get up each day, pray , study, work, eat, take care of myself and focus more on Christ and less on myself. And when these feelings come, (as they always do) I will just feel them and move forward. So as others have said, I'm not over grief. I'm just learning how to live with it.

I'm also learning to incorporate some of my wife's better character traits.... its my goal. Thanks for listening, and I'm praying for all of the newly grieving spouses. It's a club nobody signs up for or chooses, but we all learn to deal with this life adjustment, soul separating ordeal, one day at a time! Shalom

[KarenK]

Somehow we move forward. At times with a sense of guilt that our spouse or daughter(both in my case) will not be experiencing this new phase of our lives. At times it is bittersweet. At others, we realize it must be as it is. We can always have our memories without remaining in the past.

When I got my new dog, my first thought was how much Ron would have loved this dog. So, I will have to give her enough love as both of us would have.

Peace to you,

Karen

[kayc]

Karen,

That is right, and I love Arlie enough for both George and me too!

IPraiseHim,

Your attitude is good and that will greatly aid you in your grief journey.

[iPraiseHim]

Today, is the first day since my wife passed away (81 days ago), that I experienced joy. I claim it is by the Grace of God and many prayers of family and friends. I felt almost as normal as before she died. It is a great sense of calm. Like life , everything is a cycle. I met with one of my pastors this afternoon to clear up a misunderstanding and that went well. I still struggle with taking care of myself. It is so easy to slip into old patterns.

Today, instead of feeling broken and crushed, I felt more mended and whole. It's a brand new experience. I don't want to over think it . I sensed that my wife was more "with" me (in my heart) and I could see her smile at me. I have not read or heard this happening to anyone before. I still miss her physical presence and so much look forward to the day when God calls me home. I'm so excited to see heaven, but I also realize everything happens in God's time, season, and reason. I can see so many blessings in our life together (almost 26 years) and so I look forward to God's plans for the rest of my life. God's grace is sufficient. Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

well, I spoke too soon! The whiplash to despondency is quick. I really hate this part of the roller coaster ride of grief. I've learned today not to go shopping during these times. I've already made a couple of costly decisions. I think I will just recoil and try to sleep this phase off. Hopefully, Monday will be a better day.

[kayc]

I'm sorry. Is it Mother's Day that's getting to you right now? I hope Monday IS a better day for you!

[iPraiseHim]

Can't sleep. I've tied several times. I keep waking up. This month is so full of memories. The three month death anniversary of my wife, Rose Anne, on the 16th and her birthday on the 17th. She would have turned sixty. I turn sixty one week later. We always had a good time planning some fun and meal together.

Today I went to the grocery store and bought a bottle of wine. I was carded at another store a few months ago. I dared the cashier to "card me" and she said well you look over 21. I asked her to guess my age. She said I look like I'm 35. Most people guess 45. When i told her I will be 60 in two weeks, she said, "shut up!." I showed her my id and then she said you move good for someone turning 60!

Strange day. I have felt better today. More at peace with the reality of my wife's death, but the ups and downs are still extreme. I miss her presence, her expressions of love, her voice, her smile. Well, I'm going to go back to bed to get a couple of hours sleep. I have a full work day tomorrow and the rest of the week including Saturday. Thanks for listening. Shalom

[kayc]

Move good??? Gee, how're we supposed to move?? (I get that a lot, I don't look 62 either). That's funny!

[iPraiseHim]

Today marks three months since my wife, Rose Anne died. Vivid memories of finding her lifeless body when I came home from work haunts me more and more. Tonight there was a local annual fireworks display that reminded me of better times when we would watch and enjoy them together. Each month since she passed seems to hit me harder and harder. Tomorrow would have been her 60th birthday. No cards, no celebration, no special meal. Just a stark reminder that she is gone and I am alone. Life is getting harder to live day by day. I don't see hope or a future. I'm just doing time.

[kayc]

Hoping you find a way through this day and a way to send her a happy birthday message. I've been known to send a balloon with a message in it. One time it popped and came right back to me. I figured it was George's sense of humor.

[iPraiseHim]

Although my wife's birthday was a rough day, my birthday the following week was much better. My thoughtful, caring sister planned, cooked and presented a wonderful dinner, cake, and ice cream. The additional surprise was her daughter traveled 5 hours with her two young children to celebrate. The simple pleasures of playing kick the ball with a 2 and 6 year old really puts life in perspective. Children really live in the moment. It was fun to be with family. My sister made my favorite cake, German Chocolate and even had 6 candles to blow out. (60 candles are two many to blow and would melt the cake and elevate the room temperature. My sister also gave me a book that highlights most of the major changes I have seen in my life. All in all a good day of new memories of family.

Today, 5 days, later is my sisters birthday. My Dad planned and we went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I asked my sister what she wanted for her birthday and she told me about some cookies that can be baked in the oven. Three day's ago I attempted to bake the cookies but my oven wasn't working so I asked one of my clients if I could use their oven to bake the cookies. They graciously said yes, so I brought in all the supplies needed and baked them while I was cleaning their home. ( My sister said, when they came home they probably wondered why their home smelled like grandmas home.) It was a pleasant evening with family.

I was fine at Cracker Barrel until I got ready to leave. Suddenly, all of these memories of my wife and I going to Cracker Barrel came flooding in. My wife loved Cracker Barrel and we have several mementos from there. I have learned to stay clear of certain places were we frequented because of the memories. A friend, suggested I venture out and eat at a restaurant alone. I did try that near my wife's birthday and thought I could handle it but realize there were too many good memories of us dining together. Maybe someday, but for now, the memories are still too fresh and raw.

I did come a cross an article that covered the christian perspective of grief that was very comforting to me. "The numbing effect of grief is a way to have a long goodbye. It gives me time to adjust to a new reality. It is the emotional anesthesia which gives me time to process what has happened." and Rick Thomas says, " One of the most amazing things about the word of God is the assurance we get from Him is that all of our tears and sorrows will be wiped away" He goes on to say, " I don't know how He is going to do it, but I believe Him."

I went into my wife's craft room to find a gift bag for my sisters gifts. I built the tables and shelves for her in her craft room and she enjoyed doing many crafts projects. All the memories flooded in and I don't know what to do with all of that stuff. She was a crafty lady!. I don't need to make a decision on that right now. I have plenty of repairs and other rooms to work on still.

It's only been three months since my wife died, and I notice there are two worlds that are intermingled. The here and now and the memories of the past. Her day of passing marked a special moment in time. I meet my wife, suddenly one day, May 2nd, 1988. We had both prayed about it just prior to the meeting date. My life changed in the twinkling of an eye. Then, on February 16th, 2015, suddenly, my wife was called home by God. " The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord" It was not my plan but I trust that God knows what is best for the both of us.

My wife loved movies. in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" there is a line that says, You need to get busy living or get busy dying". He was dealt a harsh unjust sentence. For me and my journey, moving forward is to live in the moment each day pursuing God. I will still have all of these wonderful memories. She is in my heart and part of my soul.

I learned so much about life and love and we enjoyed a loving, beautiful relationship and marriage for over 25 years. Thank you God, for such a wonderful partner and helpmate. I will still grief but as many have already said in these forums. It is a journey and a process, and it is work. I pray each day that I can chose to live for Christ, lay my burdens at the feet of the cross and follow where He leads me. I pray for everyone on this journey. None of us volunteered or signed up for this. But God must know we are strong enough to endure with God's mercy and grace.

I still experience anxiety and grief. I am not healed or delivered. You'll notice its' 3:00 am I could not sleep so I come to this forum to read, pray, listen, learn, and grow and share. I pray everyone finds their way through, one day at a time. Shalom

[kayc]

Very beautifully expressed. I'm glad your birthday was a good one. Sometimes I find days like that are mixed...you enjoy them but it comes with a bitteersweet mix of wishing your spouse could still be here to experience it also. Kids and dogs live very much in the present and engage us, that's why they're so good to be around.

[iPraiseHim]

It has been 111 days since God called my wife home. And I'm not quite sure how to assess my life at this time. It feels like I am in between two worlds. My wife's death departure and today. My mind knows she is not physically present yet my heart still looks for her.

I have been down lately fighting this dark cloud yet I am still trying to move forward in this world. I did get some relief and the dark clouds lifted for awhile when I started reading and meditating on Psalms. 6,10,13,14, 19 minister to me right now.

I have started to perform some service work to give back to others and even went to the Church Brunch today while at the same time, I was trying to talk myself out of. It was an awkward time because the person I sat next to innocently asked, " Are you alone or waiting for your wife?" I answered YES to both questions. The people are nice enough but there is a church lady that continues to try to volunteer me for work since she knows I'm a widower.

My body pains are a little less today. I'm okay and still trying to figure out where I fit in in this circle of life. I was more motivated to work and expand my business when there was an "US". Right now I just do not have the drive for it (though I know I should).

Curious coincidence. This week, I attended an "Anxiety/Depression" conference and ran into a pastor of the church I left four years ago, because he had created much anxiety and drama . The pastor was polite, cordial, and said some comforting things about my wife and my care for her. It was just an odd thing to happen this week. I guess I'm trying to figure out what other "grief work" I need to do. I still don't like and I'm not at peace with my present life. I still miss my precious wife. Shalom

[kayc]

111 days wasn't nearly long enough for me to be at peace with my present life, it took more working through than I ever could have anticipated. Luckily we only have to tackle this one day at a time, I don't think I could handle much more than that.

I'm fortunate to be in a church small enough that everyone knows when someone dies, but even outside of church you can get hit with remarks that hit you afresh because the person just doesn't know. It's tough.

Isn't it odd that in our society people assume you have a spouse and mention your wife/husband? It really feels like a couples world. I've noticed that couple get invited socially more than single people do. I'm more used to it by now but it was hard to take at first. (Wouldn't you think since you're alone, people would include you more?)

For me the grief work came as it arose. When something else hit or I became aware of something else through this whole process, then I would deal with it, it's kind of a state of evolution. Counseling, reading books, journaling, posting, art therapy, prayer/meditation, continual adjusting, branching out of our comfort zone (going to dinner alone the first time, going to church alone, etc.). Letting physical things go little by little as we're ready. None of this can occur overnight!

[iPraiseHim]

Tomorrow will be four months, 120 days since my beloved wife. Rose Anne, was called home by God. It also happens to be my fathers birthday (83). I'm not precisely sure how to categorize how I'm dealing with grief. Some days are really tough and others are so busy with work there is little time to think. Loneliness and loss of companionship still hits hard. I have to really fight not shutting down and just isolating. My life is so different now. I'm also facing the fact my wife has been disabled for the last six years and I took care of her. I loved her so it wasn't work or a burden. It was a joy to me. but all of that is gone now. I really believed she was going to get better but the reality was she was dying a little more each day. She is healed now and restored. I'm trying to sort out the feelings, reality, facts and truth. I don't have the drive I need to grow this business as I did before. Before I was doing it for US. There is no US now on this earth. Someday we will be together again. I still love my bride deeply. Dragonflies remind me of her. I watched her pet a dragonfly. It was absolutely mesmerizing. I love you sweetheart Shalom

[kayc]

Wow, I can't imagine anyone being able to touch a dragonfly without it flying off! That tells me alot about her spirit.

I'm thinking of you today. These "anniversaries of death" do seem to hit us...I'm coming up on ten years on the 19th and have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through it.

I feel your love for Rose Anne in what you write, Even keeping a business afloat when you're newly grieving is quite a feat. I would aim to just keep it status quo for now and try not to let it go under, you can devote more energy into it later.

[iPraiseHim]

Update: Two weeks ago, I had a grief setback. It was as if I was reliving the whole sudden death experience of my wife. I thought I was managing life okay and then sunk back in to a dark time of the heart.I still worked, prayed and kept moving forward but the heavy feeling of life really dragged me down. Then, by life circumstance, I was off for three full days in a row. I just unplugged, relaxed, slept, and rested. I'm usually always trying to work more hours, fill my schedule with work, to work while I'm still able. Instead, I just relaxed. I realize I have not taken a vacation in 8 years. Either to busy working or taking care of my disabled wife for the last six years.

On Monday, I felt better and have a better mental perspective. I'm more accepting of the fact that no matter how much I wish we could be together still, it is not reality and is not going to happen from this point forward. Instead, I've been counting my blessings of all of the years that God granted us to be together. We both know how much we love each other. Others have affirmed our love. I know what it is like to be loved and it gives me a glimpse of God's love for his children.

I have a full and busy week of work. And I'm trying to learn how to live each day better and more focused on what really matters. This is an interesting time of transition in grief. Instead of trying to figure out and anticipate what will come, I'm striving to focus more on God and showing God's love by serving others. God will supply all of my needs according to His riches and Glory and in His time. I will continue to pray for all who are experiencing Grief and that God will guide you to His truth and Love. Shalom

[kayc]

We can expect to have ups and downs on this journey. We may know things with our head but our heart still feels.

[iPraiseHim]

I wanted to continue my sharing but have been so busy working that I've been replying to other posts but not commenting here. about two weeks ago, I discovered why I was still unsettled about my wife dying, It is the fact that she died alone. I was not by here side.I have been her caregiver for the last six years when the diabetes disease progressed to the point that she was totally disabled and too weak to work. I have felt so guilty because I was working and she died alone. I wanted to be with her to hold her hand and be the last person she saw when she died. Her death was sudden and unexpected. In 11 days it will be six months since she died. I read and listen to sermons and heard a teaching by R.C.Sproul that discussed what happens when we die and intermediate heaven. Through prayer and teaching, I have come to understand that she was not alone. As a christian, God says that we are not alone, He is always with us. So although my wife took her last breath, Jesus was with her and brought her to heaven. She was at peace. She fought the good fight of faith. And God brought her home.

I also know that she was aware of what was happening physically because she wore her headlight to help see,(she was blind in one eye, cataract int the other) and she was wearing her pulse/Ox which measures heart rate and the % Oxygen saturation. She was aware and switched from the home concentrator unit to a portable tank. I believe she knew she was not getting enough oxygen, and said to me one last time, I love you, And I will see you in heaven. The Lord be with you and keep you safe " I can accept that now. I have so many good memories of our love and life together. I will share as they come up.

I had an anxiety attack last night( my sister calls it). I wear a CPAP and woke up several times, gasping for air, heart racing and feeling like I'm gonna die. Its very startling. I only got 4 hours sleep and then worked all day. I need to go to sleep now because I have work tomorrow. My emotions are still all over the place. I miss her presence, her touch, her love, her voice. I am still dealing with the loneliness and isolation. I work,eat, and live alone. I have so much to do but little energy to get it done. I can work 50-60 hours a week on business ( a physically challenging job for my age) but can not seem to motivate myself to do the home repairs needed when I work less hours..

i have been learning about essential oils and they have really helped me with some physical issues. The rose oil really helps to improve my mental spirit. On August 7th last year, I miss-stepped and fell down some hard stairs. My left shoulder is still messed up, one year later, despite the Dr.'s saying everything is okay. I don't know what another six months will bring. Its hard to imagine what that will be like. I best live in today, one day at a time . I'm still having feet, leg, and shoulder pain issues along with numbness of my hands and feet. I still need to lose a lot of weight. I apologize for rambling. I need to get some good sleep. Shalom

[kayc]

Is there something we can call you? I feel funny calling you ipraisehim. I am so sorry you're having a hard time sleeping, anxiety attacks, shoulder pain, numbness, good grief, that's a lot! Do you have Neuropathy in your hands and feet or is it something else? Sorry, don't mean to be nosy. I'm Diabetic and well understand Neuropathy. Oh the fun of getting older!

Last night my BS dropped to 63, I drank a glass of orange juice and 40 min. later it was only 69, so I ate some candy (I don't eat sugar but needed to get my BS up). I followed with some cheese to get protein in my body to help stabilize it. I ate dinner and an hour later my BS was 152 so I took my medicine , then it went to 114, normal range. then it went down to 65 and up to 179. This morning it was 92 and an hour after breakfast went to 199 so I took my medicine. I'm going to start adding an afternoon snack and may have to cut back on my medicine. It's scary living alone with it! I'm going to have to go on line and buy some more strips as my insurance won't help and I'm needing to take it more often lately.

Join the crowd, I lost 39 lbs but can't seem to get the last 20 lbs off! I guess every bit helps.

I wish I could have been with George when he died but the hospital made me leave his room when he was having his last heart attack. I do believe someone is sent to usher him in to the next phase so, like you, do not believe he was alone when he crossed over. Still, wishing it could have been me at the end...