Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

Day 197,( yes, I'm still counting).  Another roller coaster day.  I hope there is a reason for all of this. Still missing my wife.  Shalom

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tomorrow will be day 200.  It's hard to imagine to be that long separated from my soulmate.  Emotions are all over the place.  I did have something humorous today.  I performed an estimated to clean 5 store front windows, inside and out. They haven't been cleaned in a year.  I estimated it would take three hours due to the raised lettering on the windows and excessive cobwebs, wasp nest, dirt, grime, etc...  She thought my estimate was too high.  She expected me to clean the windows for $10. (That $3.33 per hour.. Min wage her is $7,25)  She told me the last guy stopped cleaning the windows because it was not profitable for him!)  I have been chuckling about it all evening.  It is funny some people's expectations.  I still miss my sweet wife and best friend. I'm very lonely now.  Shalom

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, let her clean it herself.  :D

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She sounds like someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Indeed let her clean them herself! I can just imagine how much you wanted to chuckle over this one with your sweet wife.

I am on Day 35 and the longest we had ever been apart was 7 days. It just feels weird like I go to call my husband and then I start looking for him thinking 'this can't be right' why hasn't he next to/called/texted me? His shirts and other things are still in the clean laundry basket. Do I hang them in his closet?  Some of his socks are in the dirty laundry basket. Do I wash them? 

I understand your loneliness so well. I never knew (even though that song was written about it) that silence had a sound until now and that it is deafening. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Debi.  It is good to find things to laugh about.  I am on day 205.  People ask me why do is still count the days, so I don't share that with most people now because they just don't seem to  understand.  I miss my wife and best friend every day.  I seem to cry more about it now than before.  I loved her deeply and I miss her deeply.  I have plenty to do but not the energy or motivation to do it.  Life presses on even when the best part of my life passed away.  I'm still trying to learn to accept that.  I have found myself not going to certain places and doing things because it triggers these memories of remorse.  I haven't moved or changed much in my home since my wife passed until I am ready to.  I know it is silly but I had bought a bunch of cherry tomatoes just before she died (my wife loved to eat them).  She was limited because of the dialysis, but she could eat a few.  I just threw them away yesterday with some resignation, because they looked more like sun-dried red raisins.  I'm praying for the energy, strength and stamina to change the things I can each day and accept this part of our love life as well. I'm thankful that I could take this grief burden instead of my wife.  I miss you, Rose Anne. Shalom, Love George

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear George,

I can understand each word you said.  I have the weeks numbered in my datebook.  There are some things that I do better at, and some things I have not even attempted yet.  I am having trouble with feeling motivated.  I had started to write down on a tablet even the smallest thing I accomplished, to show to myself I am doing my part to try and move forward.  Like you, my spouse was my VERY best friend.  Even though I still had some hard times when we were together, waking up and facing the day was so much better with him in it.  I don't cry as often as I did in the beginning, but when the sadness and emotions hit me, I cry for a lot longer period.  I don't know how close I am to complete acceptance.  Looking in my fridge, there are so many condiments and sauces Mark used to cook with, and I haven't touched them since he passed.  I see the bottle of root beer flavoring; not long before he died, he was interested in trying to make his own root beer.  I see that little bottle and remember that...I don't smile; I don't cry.  I also haven't touched it.  I spent yesterday going through all the books I have collected regarding grief and loss of spouse.  There are so many of them; some of them have information about phases of grief I don't think I have reached yet, or things I am not ready to face yet.  Most of them are written for people who have JUST lost their loved one...I am not sure if I qualify for that.  I know I have had a long time in the "fog"; I am not sure if my shock at Mark's sudden death has passed completely.  Perhaps, George, you too are still in shock over your loss.  When I had seen my grief counselor and asked her how long I could expect to feel so "muted" (and this was at about 4 months), she said probably another 4 months, maybe longer. 

We can all simply do what we can.  We must be true to ourselves and allow ourselves to FEEL our feelings.  I understand the feeling of life pressing on...how can it be 9 months since Mark died?  Where has the last nine months gone?  I allowed my sister-in-law to borrow our car.  I cannot drive it right now and it needs driven.  I did not get upset watching it pull away; but I KNOW I could not handle sitting in the car as someone else drove it.  I can sit in the driver's seat and feel close to him, but I couldn't ride as passenger with anyone else.  I guess I should be proud of myself for doing all that I have done.  You should, too.  It is all about the little steps; let it be about the little steps, George.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear George, There is nothing remotely odd about counting the days.It isn't necessary to share it with those that don't understand. Share it with us, we do.  When our lives were happy we would count the days through anniversaries and celebrations. Why wouldn't you now. The days are significant. These are the days we live without those we love. The number of the days we have been apart and the number of days we have survived despite the grief. I got shivers when you mentioned cherry tomatoes and your sweet wife. My husband discovered a particular shop that sold his favourites that were crisp and sweet. They are still in the fridge all soft but I just can't throw them out. I think I will wait until they too become more like your sun dried red raisins.

Like you George my husband was (I hate past tense) so IS my best friend, my love, my life. I understand that familiar places are painful triggers, I now that too well but why remorse George? Grief is agony enough without remorse and I am sure there is nothing to feel remorseful for. 

There is no rush to do anything with your home. Keep the familiar it can become a comfort. I understand your pain and the tears will come more often or less often these things cannot be controlled. Sometimes the pain is so intense it is difficult to get my breath.

You are wise George when you say that this is also a stage of the love you shared. The stage we never wanted but part of your enduring love story nevertheless. The burden unfortunately is ours George. I wish you light and love and together on this site we will, slowly, if not recover then cope.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good advice debi. I for one made my life easier by just not sharing certain feelings with those who cannot get it. You never walk away from those conversations with good feelings. You most likely feel worse, even conflicted.  I reserved those moments when I need to talk about how I feel  with those who do.    I also speak of Kathy in the present tense because she is such a part of me not to mention I still feel her presence around me often.  George, I am further along grief's journey than you and I want to say that I didn't move much in my home at first either. I was afraid that I would erase her memory. I hated to even leave my house because she might be gone when I got back. A lot of emotions can flood through your heart when you are going through this.  It may be best to let them come but trust me on this.  debi is right. we do slowly recover and cope and most importantly, we adapt. We never stop grieving. We would have to fall out of love to do that. But we begin to have more happy days than sad. We begin to live again.  I should ad that while the inside of my home is still very much the same as it was five years ago, it has remained that way simply because it's pretty.  Kathy made it so.

Stephen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you both.  Tears are flowing as I read them.  Work went well.  I need to get some rest now for I have another full day of work.  Shalom.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was thinking today 14 years ago, where I was when I heard the tragic news.  My wife called me in tears ( my wife hardly ever cried) saying, "Our nation is under attack"  I remember exactly where I was cleaning and evening what room I was in.  I was in shock and numb.  A few years later, I cleaned a 911 widow's home.  I was blessed to be able to clean her home.  She too, was still in shock.  2,977 lives were lost that day.  So public for all to see.  Most of us in this forum  are not seen publicly yet we travel similar paths.Today started out well.  I did some cleanup before work. Found out a job was delayed til next week and another call I lost an account because the client has decided to clean her own home.  Home therapy for her.  She is pleased with the service.  I will need to look for more clients.  Life presses on, one day at a time.  Shalom, George

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I imagine that happens alot, George.  My daughter does housecleaning, seems it is the first thing cut when things are tight.  Good luck to you!

About the 9/11...I was fixing breakfast when my son told me to turn on the t.v., the towers had been hit!  I was astounded as it'd just been months since we'd visited there.  We watched it together, dumbfounded.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Day 216.  I start to walk for exercise and stair clinging to strengthen my legs.  My wife's computer died tonight; probably a hard drive failure.  I don't know if I'll get it repaired.  The screen is larger and easier to watch than back in the office.  Rough day emotionally. It's a day.  I just saw a neighborhood friend whose wife passed away two weeks after my beloved.  They were married 44 years but they were expecting it because of her declining health.I pray tomorrow will be a better day.  Shalom 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

George, can you hook her monitor up to your computer for easier reading?  It might be a hard drive, or it could be the processor.  

I'm sorry your friend is going through this same journey.  :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I put my wife's computer in the shop to be repaired on Monday.  Hopefully it will be repaired by Saturday.  The 10" notepad I bought for my wife to use(when she went to dialysis) has a "mini" USB port so I would need to find an adapter plug to  a standard USB.The internet went down Tuesday all day.  When I came home, called cable service to get it working. Jumped through many hoops to find out I was trying to hook up a wrong cable.  I should know better but just not thinking as clearly as before. 

I have a trip to the mountains planned in two weeks.  It's the first trip out of town in eight years.  My wife was disabled for the last six years and unable to travel.  It feels surreal to be planning a trip with out my beloved.  I hope to just get away from the day to day business activities and just relax. The cabin is about 4 hours away. 

I'm off tomorrow so I need to put together the insurance information in order to contact my congressman to get a resolution.  The insurance plan has been messed up ( wrong plan) for this entire year.  So many things unresolved because of the errors in the Health Insurance Marketplace bureaucracy.  The other half of the day will be used to complete the extension filing of taxes due next month.

And it's almost time to sign up for another year of mandatory Health insurance ( US law now) or faces fines of $675 person in 2016.  The plan promised to save everyone's insurance cost by $2,500. Instead It continues to rise each year. Medicare Costs are rising 52% next year. 

Life continues despite our grief and loss.  I am much more sensitized when I hear of death of others.  Praying for those spouse, family, and friends.  Death is very common.  Worldwide, over 150,000 people die each day. That is almost two people every second. That is a lot of grief. And yet, the world still functions; still moves forward. 

I have gradually come to realize that I need to focus on Today each day.  My wife's soul and memory is entwined with mine.  She loved me as I am and becoming.  I have faith we will meet up again in heaven by God's Grace.  I didn't want to live without her presence. Although physically she is not present in this world, her memory, love, hope and dreams will continue with me.  I am so blessed to journey together with her all of these years. 

We are both assured of our permanent love for each other and God.  I miss her smile, embrace, touch, kiss, sparkling eyes and happy soul when we are together.  I write it down here to remind myself to read this again in the darker times.  The feelings will pass.  The love never passes.  I will also tell a few closest friends when I'm in a hole mentally so they can use their prayer shovels and spiritual hands to help me out.  I'm learning to just experience whatever feeling comes and not try to anticipate what will happen next.

I have also started walking daily (5th day today) 20-30 minutes even in the rain and when I don't feel like it.  I'm eating less processed foods, drinking more water, getting better sleep, eating more vegetables.  I have learned to just add little steps on this healing journey to take care of this vessel (my body).  I'm not perfect I still fall down but I strive to get back up and keep moving forward with prayer, biblical study, this group, journal, and any other tools I find helpful. Thanks for all who listen, pray, chat, message. I pray and follow as many as I can on here and will reach out to help others in our journey.  Shalom, George

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear George, beautiful words about your beloved wife. So many beautiful things we miss but no one can ever take away what is in our hearts. We did not merely love our missed ones we WERE our missed ones. You are taking such good care of yourself George and your wife will be very very proud. 

I, for one, am proud of you for also dealing with all the practical things such as getting your wife's computer fixed and sorting out the cabling even though it was a headache you did it! If it is any consolation on rip off healthcare, here in Belgium I am obliged to pay $5999 a year divided into 4 trimesters with huge penalties if I don't. It keeps me poor. It is chilling too that 1 person dies every 2 seconds, I wish we could say they were all very old having had happy lives but we know that's not true and there will be an an equal number of broken grieving hearts. 

I didn't want to live without her presence The hardest thing of all. The emotional mountain we have to scale every day. You are a good, kind, loving man George and I wish you all God's comfort.

The cabin sounds lovely and you will get some much needed mountain air. Your wife will be with you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

George, congrats on the walking.......its is funny how this works, the more you walk, the better you sleep, good sleep regenerates the whole body,the better you feel, and above all, the clearer you think...........Keep up the positive moves, sounds like you did a great job with your Wife...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell me about it!  I was sent an insurance card for Medicaid but told by the federal website I did not qualify, even though I had the year before and my income hadn't changed.  The coveredinoregon.gov website qualified me the year before, but when it went belly up, the federal website would not, I had to buy my own insurance that has a high deductible so I can't afford to use it!  It's a broken system at best.

Good for you, George, for going away!  I hope you have a good trip.  George and I loved to go camping but I have not gone in the ten years since he died.  It just would not be the same to go alone.  I gave my son and DIL our camping trailer.  Fortunately I live in nature so at least I'm not missing that.  I'm kind of too broke to afford the gas anyway.

I'm proud of you, George, for going for walks!  It takes commitment like that to be healthy.  I walk twice a day with my dog, every day and the only thing I don't walk in is freezing rain and lightening.  Lightening doesn't last for hours so I can usually wait a while and it will quit, freezing rain you can't stand up in though.  I go no matter how miserable the weather is.  I even have a coat for my 132 lb. dog! I have had to alter it to include a collar so his neck would be covered. and it would fit him better

You're doing all you can to make it through this journey in a positive way, keep up the good work!  

Arlie coat 121013.JPG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone for your kind response. Kayc, your dog is beautiful.  I would love to get a dog but it wouldn't be fair to the dog because I am away from home so much.  I have the opportunity to see many dogs in the homes I clean.  They all believe I come to love on them and give them treats. I also visit a cat that greets me and a bird that chirps and dances when I come to clean.  The owner says that the bird doesn't greet anyone else like that. Shalom

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...