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Actually my name is George. Second night interrupted sleep. only 4 hours again. It seems it is as if I'm going through the same cycle the first few weeks after my wife died.

I do not have diabetes but I am very familiar with the disease. I would suggest you look into either Life Alert or First Call. You wear a pendant and if you get into health trouble you. Simply press the button and someone will hear you and get the help you need. It can be as low as $15mo. Well worth it to have the peace of mind that someone can help you when you need it.

Many factors can cause your blood sugar to rise and fall. I have my own personal beliefs about the disease and how the doctors and Big Pharma treat it. Their premise is once you have you will always have it. They manage the symptoms but never genuinely treat the underlying cause. If your interested in more information go to www.knowthecause.com and begin learning. It is scary living alone with the disease. If you want more information, I would gladly share with you what I know that will help to manage and even reverse diabetes. Send me a private message.

I have low thyroid, high cholesterol (167) and some neuropathy in my feet and hands. .It comes and goes.( I also need to lose a lot of weight ) I treat the low thyroid with trans-dermal iodine supplemental and I've started a natural treatment to restore fatigued adrenal glands.

I have been thinking a lot about the six month anniversary of my wife's death so it has been on my mind more. I have my roller coaster of grief that goes up and down when it wants. I pray, write, journal, read the bible, and pray and help others. I believe I am more able to accept her death because that is my reality today. But the panic attacks that wake me from sleep are disconcerting. I am trying to establish a regular routine for going to sleep. I use a CPAP for my sleep apnea. I am thankful for this group but I am mostly alone most of the time. I interact with people when I'm working and try to go to church when I'm not overtired from work.

I'm learning a lot about essential oils and magnesium supplementation for over all heath. I've been using the magnesium oil with good success to reduce muscle cramping and pain. I talk/text with my sister every day. She likes to keep track of me and my Dad as he also lives alone. Shalom

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I am on week two since my wife of 31 years was taken from me suddenly.......I find this forum is so important because I didn't think anybody could have felt as hollow/empty as I do. But now I know my feelings are normal, talking to my beloved is normal and Grief bursts are common. My kids keep an eye me (via long distance now), but I feel with readings from here and my believe in the hereafter, things are slowly improving one day at a time...... I find making lists is very helpful, helps the focus...

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Kevin,

Making lists is a good practice. I was never a list maker before. but now find it is a necessity. One list that I make is a list of the things that I accomplish outside of my normal everyday stuff, even the little things. I do so to avoid that horrible feeling I get from thinking I am not doing anything but sitting around. I don't make to do lists anymore, because there is so much that needs to be done. It works out better when I put it on my accomplished list. One thing you need to remember is to be kind to yourself (I still struggle with that, even at 8 months). There are many kind, wise and comforting folks here that will help validate everything you are experiencing at every phase of your grief journey. I sometimes wish I had found it In the very early days of Mark's passing. I did start reading a lot about grief and losing a spouse, so I had some insight. But actually having someone tell you that they have gone through what you have, just takes the fear of not knowing away a little bit. The hollow/empty feeling, at least in my case, is still an active feeling. The trauma of sudden loss adds different dimensions to the grief process. The fog or muffled feeling stays longer; that protective mode. Yesterday was one of the first days where I came face to face with reality, away from the fog. It took me right back to that day Mark died, and I fell apart. But I allow myself that. Allowing yourself is a hard one for me...but it is part of learning and dealing with the grief. You have found a good place here...keeping reading and reach out as often as you need.

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I've always lived by lists but find it increasingly more important between aging and grief-focus.

George, I will IM you...will be leaving in a few minutes for the day but will have a chance to do some reading tomorrow. I would welcome any info you have! I agree. I only just found out that Metformin causes liver problems and I have Cirrhosis of the liver due medicines and or fat. I've lost weight hoping to reverse it, but if it's due to medicines it's irreversible. My insurance doesn't cover the ultrasound needed to check my liver so I live on faith that since I'm doing all the right things, it's helping...if not, well, at least I know I've done my best. I can't worry about what I can't change. I love the serenity prayer, I have to remind myself of it sometimes though.

I have GAD so am familiar with anxiety, although mine has lessened a lot through a low dose medicine and a lot of what I've learned to put into practice...staying in the present, appreciating, etc.

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I slept better last night with no night terrors. This morning I woke up with the Joy of the Lord in my heart. A day at a time... a moment at a time. Shalom

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Glad you slept, I did too!

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I received the sweetest sympathy card from my sister today.  Sunday Aug 16th will be six months since my beloved wife, Rose Anne, was called home.  I still miss her.  I probably always will.  Shalom.

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George,

I'm so glad your sister thought of you. Those little remembrances mean so much!

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Today, August 16th,  marks six months since my wife, Rose Anne,died.  This is a strange journey without her.  There is a part of me that is still shocked by the fact she died.  Life continues to move on. My life has dramatically changed.  I have a friend who's husband died one year ago, today.  I couldn't imagine living 6 months without my beloved wife, yet I have.  I am sure six months from now I will probably think the same.  I have been experiencing some setbacks and flashbacks.  It must be my way of coping with the changes.  I still miss my wife terribly.  Sometimes the pain still takes my breath away and causes me to lose sleep.  Two people die every second of every day.  Its a staggering figure and yet we who survive, still keep on living and moving forward.

A couple of days ago, I researched the first cause of death listed on my wife's death certificate.  It was pulmonary hypertension.  I discovered that 50% diagnosed die from SUDDEN death usually in a hospital.  I never found this information before because I was looking for treatments and solutions, not cause of death.  I miss my wife and best friend and I guess I always will.

I am learning to take better care of myself, sleep, eat, exercise, etc.. and working on cleaning up and repairing my home.  i have been looking for another worker to grow my professional home cleaning business (17+years).  I still struggle with loneliness, both work and home.  I am planning on teaching a course to help others with their finances( Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Course).  I've learned to pay off debt, live within my means and in one year will be completely debt free except for my home. I am looking into teaching this course to others who also want to learn how be debt free. 

I am grateful I can still work and provide myself an income. I still have this Obamacare health insurance to get fixed.  They messed up our coverage this year, then when I reported to them that my wife died, they apparently deleted the file so I am in insurance limbo.  Paying for family coverage, terms are inaccurate,  They can't even find the program to fix it.  There is even more to it, but sooner or later it will get worked out. I received another IRS letter saying,  "you better do this.... or you will lose coverage."  Until, they correct their oversight, I can not move forward either.  

I still miss my wife and cry most every day.  I am slowing beginning to go through some things of hers but it is hard. I still have so much other areas to clean and repair.  I remember the Serenity Prayer often "Accept the things I can not change" ( my wife died), "the courage to change the things I can" ( the only thing I can change is myself) "and the wisdom to know the difference."(asking God for wisdom)

I pray and thank the Lord for each day I awake. I pray for wisdom and strength to do His will so I can glorify Him.  When I get down, I count my blessings.  One of them is to have shared my life with my beloved wife,"Rose Anne", for almost twenty seven years".  We both know how much we loved each other and love God. Each day together was a blessing we both cherished. I am thankful that my wife is no longer suffering.  She fought the good fight of faith.  She knows I did everything I could do to help her and I have peace that she is in heaven now pain free with Jesus.  We are thankful God taught us and we were able to teach others about the Sovereignty of God.  God is good... All the Time.  I love you, Rose Anne  Shalom George

 

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George,

I am so sorry for the bureaucracy hassles you are having.  I would report it to the insurance commissioner!  I wish you luck with it.  I hope you wrote the IRS a letter of explanation.

Six months!  I was on line before, but not after you wrote this yesterday, so I'm sorry I missed this yesterday.  Six months does seem a landmark time, I've heard it said it's one of the hardest periods because everyone has gone back to their lives and you're left to face reality.  By now you know when the phone rings it's not her or when the door opens she won't be coming through, but it still seems like a bad dream from which you hope to wake up from.

You're in my thoughts and prayers...

 

 

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Checking in... Trouble sleeping again.  I have a full day of work ahead of me.  I have a lot of pain in my shoulders, legs, feet, and hands.  I miss my wife more and more.  It seems like waves of grief that someone else aptly described.  I have had more down days than up lately. It seems I am just slogging through life.  I miss our life together.  I really dislike being alone.  I just don't see how this is supposed to get better.  so i weep, sleep, and strive to get up another day.  I am grateful for many things.  I miss my wife terribly and deeply.  My heart aches.  Is this my lot in life for now? I dunno.  Thanks for listening.  Shalom

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I can relate to all you say...slogging sounds like the perfect word to describe how I feel about going through life.  I, also, manage to be grateful for things and appreciate still the caring and thoughtful things people do for me.  But I miss Mark so terribly.  I miss the way our life was; we were so content and at peace.  We had made our little place in the world and were happy. I think I am having the opposite in that all I want to do is sleep.  I take the dogs out about 8:00 and go to bed. It is my only true escape.

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Being appreciative in no way nullifies the emptiness felt by the loss you carry.  BUT, appreciation is a step in the right direction as it brings you positive focus and helps that loss not to spread to the point where you can no longer see ANYTHING but the loss.  Yes, it's foremost in your mind, right in front of you, felt to the uttermost part of your being...that is natural as your loss is huge and deep.  BUT it is good that you can still recognize good, however small it may seem, however insignificant compared to your great loss.  Try NOT to compare...that is, release expectation, to enable you to continue to fully appreciate what is there.  Hard to do?  Yes!  That's why we practice it.

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I am saddened by today's news that a news reporter and her camera man was targeted, gunned down by an alleged disgruntled worker who was terminated a few years earlier. Those two young people had no clue that it would be their last day living on this earth.  Now parents, fiances, parents, siblings, friends all grief and mourn the loss of their loved ones.  It is such a shock and so sudden.  I have been praying for all of them on their grief journey that began today in tragedy.  It has been a somber and sobering day.  Shalom.

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When I watched the video recorded by the assasin with his phone, showing his gun ponting at the reporter, I thought: "God please stop him". Why He hasn't? Why is evilhood so powerful?  I'm still horrified. 

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I heard about it but could not watch it.  I don't understand some of the people that exist in this world...why they are so disturbed and messed up.  My heart goes out to the loved ones of those who died.

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Disappointing day.  My expectations have set me up to get me down.  I expected that  those who have gone through grief and loss themselves would be more supportive in the down cycle yet I continue to be disappointed.  I think the reality of not ever seeing my wife ; my best friend is really sinking in on another level.  I thought I dealt with this before and accepted it but it still floors me.  I have planned a four day trip away in early October.  The first trip in over eight years.  I don't really know what I'm gonna do except to get out of my home for a few days in beautiful country; unplug and relax. The coming holiday season, i am trying to decide what to do.  My wife and I always spent the time together alone.  The last couple of years she was getting too weak to cook so we planned dinners around a time when I was off from work. 

My sister wants me to join her for the holiday gatherings but I'm not sure how I'm going to be emotionally.  I seem to be having more crying outbursts now than in the last three months.  My energy levels are still low with some physical pains that get me down.  I need to lose weight but find it difficult to concentrate on a good eating plan. I just picked up a new cleaning job that I'm not confident I can do because of some physical limitations.I'm feeling more my age (60) than I have before. I'm still fighting some very tough mood swings.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be a new day with new grace for the day. Thanks for listening.  Shalom

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George,

It sounds like you're overwhelmed with so many things hitting you at once.  We still have a ways for the holidays, so maybe leave that on the back  burner for now...you may feel different in a few months.  It would be hard to be alone for the holidays, esp. your first year out.  My kids used to come but after my son got married, that stopped.  I am alone for everything it seems.  I'm glad you have a sister that cares and doesn't want you alone.

Right now might be a hard time to try and lose weight OR it might be the best thing for you!  It might help you feel in control in one area of your life and might help you physically...it sure can't hurt!  My weight is not wanting to come off no matter how hard I try or how healthy I eat and I can't help but wonder if something else isn't going on, perhaps a medicine is affecting it.  I will continue doing what I'm doing though!  I discontinued the Glimeperide and cut my Metformin in half.  My numbers have come up some but not too bad, and at least they aren't dropping into the 60s anymore.  I feel better about having less toxins for my liver to deal with.

I've noticed, living alone, that I sometimes don't feel like cooking with no one but me to cook for...that's when a crockpot comes in handy.  Also, on the days I'm home, I stock up by making a Romaine salad, a fruit salad, a vegetable soup, and I make packets of cooked brown rice to put in the freezer.  I also make a batch of 10 boca burgers from scratch, put each one in between waxed paper in tupperware and freeze.  I make a green soup full of vegetables.  Once in a while I cook a chicken, refrigerate, skim the fat off and bone it, chop it up, and also freeze it in little packets.  It helps!  I make sure to have healthy snacks on hand and do not have anything unhealthy in my house.

I'm 62 and I can't imagine having a cleaning service at my age!  I hope you're not too far away from retirement.  I may be broke, but I'm loving not having to go to work anymore.

Good for you for planning a trip!  Sometimes it does help to just get away.  I'd been planning one for me and my dog at the coast when I got my last layoff so never did get to go.  I hope you find it a time of renewal.  I find so much refreshment from nature.

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when we are dealing with pain, it is very difficult to recognize ther little steps we are taking. You are trying on a new job and organized a trip on october. This is very good, it is not the good you wished for yourself, but it is an accomplishment. I know this is not enough, but it is important to be kind with yourself. You are trying, and let it be enough for today.

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Thanks, Kayc and scba for your input.  It helps to know other people care and understand this grief journey we are on.  I have been professionally cleaning homes for over 17 years.  I enjoy professionally cleaning homes because it shows me God's grace in my life daily.  This new Job will probably start this week.  My knees and legs are feeling a little stronger.  I did go to church today but I still do not have the joy of wanting to go.My emotions are still unpredictable.  I have a lot of things that need to get done but I'm just not motivated to do it.  I have actually turned down a couple of jobs that I just don;t want to do anymore.  I don't know what the next season in life will bring but this part I would like to skip.  Thanks for listening.  I keep hoping there will be brighter days.  Shalom

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George, I didn't miss church after George died, but I can tell you, it was hard to go...mostly because I'm up on the platform (I'm on the Morning Worship Team) and when I look out over the congregation, I would see the place where George sat smiling at me.  In time, someone else started sitting there, and that was really hard.  I started sitting in a different section after my part of the service was up and I sat with the congregants.  Then too, sometimes people would say inappropriate things to me, like "you shouldn't cry, you should be happy for him!"  ??!!  How are we supposed to feel any different than we feel?!  This was said to me two weeks after he died when someone asked how I was and I burst into tears.  Those early days/months/years were hard to get through.

I'm glad your knees and legs are feeling better.  When I get on my knees any more, it HURTS!  And I consider myself physically fit for the most part.  Some people who have knee problems, I don't know how they they do what they do with the pain they have.

Like scba said, I hope you're kind to yourself.

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Perhaps after a couple of months, in some people's minds, still being sad and feeling hurt is "our choice/attitude towards life". Some friends asked what my therapist was suggesting me "to do", as if there were to-do lists to get over all of it. 

I copy-paste a piece from a newspaper that made me think (sorry if I copy paste too much in this forum, but I collect articles...):

 

From the HuffingtonPost (8/24/2015 - Megan Devine "Your pain isn't your falt)

"Pain simply is. It's a natural, normal response to loss. But sometimes the literature in the self-help world, in the therapy world, and sadly, yes even in the world of spiritual guidance, is heavy on blame. Grief is considered unhealthy. A "bad" experience. And in many teachings, it's something you called upon yourself, whether literally or metaphorically, physically or karmically.

If you are in pain, if something has ripped in and broken your heart, destroyed life as you knew it -- and as you'd hoped it would be -- it is not your fault. You didn't need this experience to "wake you up," nor did you need it in order to become some enlightened being serving the world through your pain.

You didn't need the accident, or the illness, or the sudden catastrophe to make you into a better, kinder, more empathetic person. You didn't need to learn something that only disaster could teach.

Being sad, being in pain, is not evidence that you've done something wrong. It's evidence of your heart being open. It's evidence of love, and evidence of loss".

Edited by scba
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I love how that is stated, and please don't apologize for posting quotes, they're very helpful!

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We love sharing quotations, articles, writings, etc. here, and we do so quite often ~ but as stated in our Guidelines, we ask that when you share something written by someone else, be sure to include the source of the material:

If you wish to share helpful or inspirational material written by someone other than yourself (e.g., excerpts, songs, poetry, quotations), please identify and credit your sources.  If you post health or medical information that is not part of your own personal experience, please make certain that such information is correct and true (to the best of your knowledge), and cite your reference (e.g., include a link to the online resource).

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