Scared When I Cry, Scared When I Don't.

[MartyT]

My friend, you are doing exactly what I would encourage you to do. I invite you to read my article, Finding Crying Time in Grief ♥

[kayc]

I agree, if the tears are there, they need shed. And it's good that you are working in the garden, it helps to have a good form of release.

[jame57]

Thank you both for your replies. Thanks for the link to the article Marty. That's excellent.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

Our feelings can be very complicated and sometimes we feel two opposing things at once, like wishing they hadn't died but relieved for them, all at the same time. There's nothing wrong with our feelings, we can't control them, we have valid reason for all we feel, it's part of our experience.

[jame57]

Sorry if this is an obvious one but my thinking is all over the place lately.

I can't remember where I saw it but I read an article that suggested one of the reasons for experiencing waves of grief was perhaps the mind only allows it to handle as much as it can bit by bit, effectively "dosing" the grief and allowing you yo work through it as slowly as you need.

I really like that theory and wpuld certainly welcome your views. I find it reassuring

[kayc]

I think there's some truth to that. Our body does have a way of eking out only what we can handle. That's part of why we get the shock/numb stage in the beginning.

[jame57]

It's well over a year now since we lost mum and the days are still tough, some more than others but also at times a sense of disbelief. I miss her so very much and (this will sound mad) the thought of not grieving in the future sounds almost disrespectful. It's as though actively grieving makes me feel closer and maintaining a connection. I've started to write this several times and deleted it as it may sound crazy but finally posted it. I seem to be clutching at any connection to keep her close to me. I know she wouldn't want me to be doing this and as I write the years are flowing but I miss her so much and it is still so hard without her here.

[kayc]

It's not disrespectful in the least, it's what we hope for ourselves, it's what they'd hope for us. Life IS about change and our resilience is a testament to the job they did well! I think we'll always grieve to a certain extent as we continue to miss them, but it evolves, it changes form, thank God for that!