Widowedbysuicide Posted May 30, 2018 Report Share Posted May 30, 2018 I love how you are able to express you love for your beloved Jan. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted May 31, 2018 Report Share Posted May 31, 2018 Dear Bill and Marita! Thank you both for such kind reply to my post!It may caress my sore heart and sad soul at the moment. You even don´t know how much it means to me now. Wish you all the best,as much as it gets! I mean it from the bottom of my heart... .. With love Janka 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted May 31, 2018 Report Share Posted May 31, 2018 Dear Janka, we hope you are a little bit better today. One day at a time 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted May 31, 2018 Report Share Posted May 31, 2018 10 hours ago, scba said: Dear Janka, we hope you are a little bit better today. One day at a time Thank you,dear Ana! I´m feeling a little better today...I´ve made up my mind to do some decisions about me moving forward to something better than I am at now,as for my job too...There´s always some hope for a better tomorrow...Thank you for your nice respond!I hope that you´re gonna get better as well...I was in a travel agency as I´d like to travel abroad in a few months,so there´s something to look forward to again... Hugs from Janka 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted June 1, 2018 Report Share Posted June 1, 2018 Dear Janka, looking forward to travelling and making up plans for that is a very good idea. I haven't travelled much since my boyfriend died and although problems stay problems before and after the return, for some days and hours you can focus on something else and generally enjoying the place. Let us know if you want where are you going, perhaps we can give you some tips. Good luck with your job hunting 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 2, 2018 Report Share Posted June 2, 2018 On 6/1/2018 at 2:22 PM, scba said: Dear Janka, looking forward to travelling and making up plans for that is a very good idea. I haven't travelled much since my boyfriend died and although problems stay problems before and after the return, for some days and hours you can focus on something else and generally enjoying the place. Let us know if you want where are you going, perhaps we can give you some tips. Good luck with your job hunting My dear Ana! It´s Saturday and I´m at home feeling terribly lonely again,so I´m staying here all day long to find any comfort yet...The loneliness became another best friend of mine and having many problems I have to figure out all alone doesn´t make it any hopeful...Anyhow this is too private to talk about it in public...Your reaction to my post made me feel better...Knowing there´s someone who cares may help a little...I can´t stop crying today again...I try to focus on things that I´ll be going through the next week,but without any effect by now...I´ve always tried to do my best to help people for all of those years spending on here and now I can´t help myself at the moment...I try to do it little by little and hope it´s gonna get better again...As for my travelling abroad,I´ll try so hard to get there,but I must save much money till then,so it´s not easy at all...My life after my beloved Jan´s death isn´t any life at all...People around me have their own lives and partners and I feel more and more isolated as time passes by,though I try the best I´m able to...I´m thankful for my best friends and my belief in God that keeps me going on,hoping that one moment in time,one day in future,somewhere,somehow,all of those things will get better as I think that I deserve it after all I´ve done and gone through... Thank you for all of your kind replies! With love Janka 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 2, 2018 Report Share Posted June 2, 2018 You are very helpful Janka. As far as helping yourself I think maybe you are too strict with yourself. Remember to be as kind to yourself as you are with others. You do deserve so much more and it's great that you recognize that. Sorry you are in that deep grief again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 6, 2018 Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 On 6/2/2018 at 7:28 PM, Widowedbysuicide said: You are very helpful Janka. As far as helping yourself I think maybe you are too strict with yourself. Remember to be as kind to yourself as you are with others. You do deserve so much more and it's great that you recognize that. Sorry you are in that deep grief again. Dear Marita! I don´t like to be here so often again,but that´s what you get when the loneliness hit you again... I´ve got the 3 best friends of mine,but one of them isn´t available now.I met her at work 6 years ago,about 4 months after my beloved Jan had died.We´ve been like own sisters and I could tell her anything at all.I had her on the phone many times by day when I needed to talk,as well as by night when I couldn´t stop crying for my beloved Jan,and yet I did my best to be always there for her too.We always laughed,no matter how hard it was.She was my best friend,but something happened to her in November of the last year and I haven´t heard from her since then.I´ve tried anything to get to know about her,because I miss her more and more each day,especially now when there´re so many problems I must figure out.In January I got a msg noticing me that she is in a very difficult situation and she can´t write or call at all.The person,who wrote me this,mentioned that they hope it´s gonna figure out soon and my best friend will let me know then.However it´s been 5 months since I got the msg and 7 months since I heard from her for the last time,so I worry about her very much as she had been mentioning a few times some bad people around her,relatives including.There must be someone that hurt her somehow and I´d like to help her.The last chance I can take would be finding her mother and I ask her in person the more.I miss her so much and I feel it must have been something very serious that happened to her.She could not have been out of her phone at all.I´ve got a very bad dreams about her and missing her in my life for so long makes my grief and loneliness much worse now,all the more that I have no family anymore and my best friends are all I´ve got... I could add this post to Anticipatory grief and mourning thread,because these cumulative losses make my grief complicated nowadays,but I stay on this thread of mine created in loving memory of my beloved Jan,the best place I can be at... I miss the love...I can´t breathe without love...Love means everything to me...My heart can´t bear more pain anymore... Another best friend of mine just stopped by a while ago.He is my biggest help that I´m thankful for.Tomorrow I´ll met another best friend of mine who I´m gonna celebrate my birthday with,because she couldn´t meet me earlier.The God and these 2 best friends of mine are the rest of my family and support I´ve got so far and I don´t know what I´d do without them at all...I write you all of this,because I feel that you care and it helps too...I wanna thank you and send you my sincere hugs... With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 6, 2018 Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 Janka I'm sorry for all the losses in your life. I can understand the cumulative losses having a terrible effect on you. Since my husband took his life almost two years ago I have lost too much too. I don't have any great advice on how to keep going while hoping for some normality. I believe you are incredibly strong. You work so very hard at being better and it can be very draining. I wish I could tell you that everything that you are doing will soon bring you some special peace. Without our partners we can not be the people we were. So much of us was tied into them. It's like having our brain cut in half and expecting ourselves to function as we did before they died. When you love deeply and completely anything less is unsatisfying. Loneliness is so much harder now than it was before we fell in love. Sending you hugs and prayers my friend. I think we each must follow our hearts to continue on in life to honour our loved ones. ❤️ 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 7, 2018 Report Share Posted June 7, 2018 Dear Marita, I´m so pleasantly surprised that you really noticed what many others never did,though they know me any better and much longer.You hit the nail on the head.It´s my pursuit of perfection in everything I do.It had been much easier with my most beloved one,but now it´s very draining,as well as you described.My belief in God makes me the better person,because I wanna be worthy of heaven,with my beloved Jan together.He always used to say that I´m the better than him and I thought it was him,the better one.We were perfect together and there was no obstacle that we could not have got over.I haven´t met anybody like him since then.I have the tears in my eyes now,so much I´m thankful for your understanding.It´s such a relief!Thanks God! I hope that I may bring some good news later on... With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 8, 2018 Report Share Posted June 8, 2018 You are generous with your compliments. I feel we are all here to find help for ourselves and in doing that we are also helping each other. It is a very good thing. I'm glad to be able to help in any way I can. 🐴 I don't know how to make all the beautiful art on here like you do. Take care my sister 💓❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 8, 2018 Report Share Posted June 8, 2018 I sit on this thread of mine like a bird on the wire,because this is the place that makes me feel like home...the home I´ve lost after my beloved Jan died...This thread I created in loving memory of him makes me feel that I still have a piece of him in this world when I keep writing on here...My church is the place where I found my home again,and yet my praying and talking to God makes me closer to my beloved Jan more than ever,because there´s the place where he lives now...After all,this will be the last station where the train take my heart from to bring it to the end where he will be waiting for one day...Till then I must do the best I can to get there when my time may come...So I take a seat on my thread again to honour him and find a solace till the end of my time... I´m thankful for my friends and all the good people who love me...It means the whole world to me now,because I couldn´t live without the feeling of love anymore...Today it´s a sunny day again and my hopes woke up with me looking for a better tomorrow...Love never ends and we can find it in every person that we meet...we just have to try... With love Janka 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 9, 2018 Report Share Posted June 9, 2018 Today was a nice day.I met my best friends and enjoyed a hot and sunny weather again.I had no interest in coming back to this empty flat,but a storm and raining weather pushed me in later on.Now I sit in my room,hear the rain drops falling behind my windows and feel the emptiness again.Other people around live their lives...And me?How will I live for the rest of my life?I can hardly imagine what it´s gonna be like...Will I ever find some happiness yet?So many drastic changes for such a short time!Every day I try to make some progress in getting better and lo and behold something happened after all.I found myself able to greet with a kind smile those ones who make my life unbearable.It felt really good and made me smile,all the more when I saw the faces,so surprised by my reaction.I write down a progress that I make every day and it keeps me going on,because I know that every good deed makes me closer to God and to my beloved Jan as well,so I never live in vain at all.Another lesson in life...And though I feel lonely in this empty flat that is not mine at all,I can´t swim in the lake of my tears all the time...I must move on again... Anyway there must be something left at last...the love I´ve been missing even more each day...we´re the creatures of love,so I keep on trying... With love Janka 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 9, 2018 Report Share Posted June 9, 2018 Good morning Janka You are 9 hours ahead of where I am. You talk of morning when I am still sleeping. I understand about the living in the grief and loneliness Bering an overwhelming thought. I think that way often too. God has a plan only he knows and we just have to trust that his plan involves a better life. Wishing you some moments of comfort today and everyday. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 10, 2018 Report Share Posted June 10, 2018 On 6/6/2018 at 11:28 PM, Widowedbysuicide said: Janka I'm sorry for all the losses in your life. I can understand the cumulative losses having a terrible effect on you. Since my husband took his life almost two years ago I have lost too much too. I don't have any great advice on how to keep going while hoping for some normality. I believe you are incredibly strong. You work so very hard at being better and it can be very draining. I wish I could tell you that everything that you are doing will soon bring you some special peace. Without our partners we can not be the people we were. So much of us was tied into them. It's like having our brain cut in half and expecting ourselves to function as we did before they died. When you love deeply and completely anything less is unsatisfying. Loneliness is so much harder now than it was before we fell in love. Sending you hugs and prayers my friend. I think we each must follow our hearts to continue on in life to honour our loved ones. ❤️ My dear Marita! This is day-to-day fight...Not long ago I talked with someone about my beloved man and I stayed surprised how his "well-meant" words hit me...He told me that if I´d be with him,he´d love me more than my beloved Jan did...It was such a shock that I couldn´t calm down a long time after... No one could ever love me as much as my beloved Jan did...no one could ever love me the way he did...no one in this world... I didn´t expect anything like that after such a long time,and yet it still hurts when someone say those words...I didn´t talk to him about a breaking up,then I could find someone better again;I talked about the death of most beloved,the best one who is irreplaceable forever...Some people take it for the same...They don´t know what they talk about at all... How could I love him or miss him less just because 6 years and 7 months have passed by?It´s impossible! My heart cries loud for him...My beloved Jan will always be the best,the most beautiful and the greatest love in my life,and there isn´t possible to compare anybody to him...it´s not good...comparing may destroy everything at all...It´s been a long time and people around expect me to get used to it or get over it...I can not... I know that I´ll never hide my beloved Jan´s photos in a drawer...They´re still in my room and will always be...He may never be forgotten! We may love another people...because we need to feel the love towards them...but we may never compare them to someone who is irreplaceable forever...It´s not possible... With love Janka 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted June 10, 2018 Report Share Posted June 10, 2018 I'm sorry Janka for what happened. Specially coming from a friend who you trust. Perhaps he ment that with him you would not suffer for your loss anymore. In any case, albeit his maybe good intentions, he doesnt know what he is talking about. This is not a break up or a replacement issue. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 10, 2018 Report Share Posted June 10, 2018 Good evening my sister Janka My husband was the only person who loved me for myself. He knew everything about me and loved me for my faults as well as my good points. He was so kind, patient, giving, and understanding of my issues with depression. No other person will ever love me more completely so I believe I know what you are feeling. It saddens me when people we have known for a time just do not comprehend that we know how we think and feel. Each of us has the right to feel what we feel and we should never have to defend ourselves. We already live with so much pain; they need to respect us and just listen instead of trying to make it "all better". Sorry for your heart today Janka. ❤️ Hello to you from my horse Scout 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 11, 2018 Report Share Posted June 11, 2018 On 6/10/2018 at 4:41 AM, scba said: I'm sorry Janka for what happened. Specially coming from a friend who you trust. Perhaps he ment that with him you would not suffer for your loss anymore. In any case, albeit his maybe good intentions, he doesnt know what he is talking about. This is not a break up or a replacement issue. It was one of those who pretend a friendship in order to get more.I had 4 best friends of mine and one of them was like that,so I had to end it up lately as I already remembered in my post before.I had known him since I was 15 y.o.He also was a close friend of our family,but he started talking badly about my beloved Jan,though they had never met.I was his obsession only,because he couldn´t stand that I love someone else,someone much better than him.After my beloved Jan died,he started urge me that we belong together.Such nonsense!I had never been in love with him.He even asked me to marry him 3 times lately.He was talking about my beloved Jan disrespectfully and asked me to forget him.Anyhow I couldn´t stand such behaviour anymore.Some people come and go like the leaves on the trees and other ones become important forever like the roots in the ground.No one will talk badly about my beloved Jan.He was the best I´ve ever met in my whole life. Thank you for your nice words,dear Ana!It´s kind of you that you always care. Hugs from Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 11, 2018 Report Share Posted June 11, 2018 You are right to kick the pretend friend to the curb. Anyone who talks like that and behaves like that is not to be trusted. I am glad you can see his true self. It hurts though, knowing we trusted someone who could be that way. Often we are too angry with ourselves to realize it isn't our fault. We have sunshine here today and I hope to ride my horse. I probably won't do that but just having that hopeful feeling is good. Thinking of you again today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 11, 2018 Report Share Posted June 11, 2018 My dear Marita! Thank you for such lovely pictures!They put a smile on my face.You´re such a positive and merry person like me.There´re too many pesimistic and angry people all around.What for?They only make us feel worse off.We need something else to feel any better again... Tomorrow I´ll meet someone that I´ve been longing to see for many years and it´s such a pleasant change.A few days spending in his company may brighten up my life for a while.Such a pity it can´t be any longer because of too long distance between us,but I´m thankful for 4 days too.He is very close to me and always will.It´s one of those rare people that we need nearby.I feel very happy,all the more that I know there will come any harder days later again.If I only could,I´d rather leave to live somewhere else...But who knows?Maybe one day I will...Hope never dies and it´s for free... You,my dear ones,who reach out to me some way,are my angels on earth... Thank you again,my dear friend,for everything that might caress my heart and put a smile on my face! Janka 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 12, 2018 Report Share Posted June 12, 2018 I spent most of my day outside. It was warm but a cool breeze helped cool me while cutting grass and doing outdoor chores. The very best part of my day was being able to smell the wild roses and watch my horse moving among them and the other wild flowers in the field. I thought of you Janka, enjoying some good conversation and listening to music. I hope tomorrow is another good day for us 💓 hugs my sister. This is my husband Gordon. This was just a couple of years before his death. He was gentle and loving. I miss him a lot right now. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted June 12, 2018 Report Share Posted June 12, 2018 15 hours ago, Janka said: My dear Marita! Tomorrow I´ll meet someone that I´ve been longing to see for many years and it´s such a pleasant change.A few days spending in his company may brighten up my life for a while.Such a pity it can´t be any longer because of too long distance between us,but I´m thankful for 4 days too.He is very close to me and always will.It´s one of those rare people that we need. Janka My dear Janka, He is also very happy to meet you as you are one of those rare and remarkable people who brings comfort and joy to those of us in pain. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 19, 2018 Report Share Posted June 19, 2018 Thinking of you Janka. I hope you will find something beautiful today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted June 20, 2018 Report Share Posted June 20, 2018 8 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said: Thinking of you Janka. I hope you will find something beautiful today. My dear Marita,my sweet friend! Many days I think of how I should start this confession as my thanks for your sincere and warm friendship that you´ve been giving to me lately... There aren´t many people like you in my life,and though our correspondence started lately only,time doesn´t play any role in all of this.I´ve spent many years in the tears,but there is a hope and love that I find in my Brad now... I´m thankful for everyone on here who has helped me some way,but I´d like to dedicate this message to you who became my close friend and the person who have always found the right words of understanding this way.So thank you,dear Marita!May God bless you all the time and I hope to hear from you again.You belong to those precious people who touched my heart... I wish all the best to everyone on here too... With love Janka 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 20, 2018 Report Share Posted June 20, 2018 Janka, thank you for your compliments. I am not so special I just feel a special closeness with you. You deserve every happiness possible and I am happy for you when you are happy. I wish you all the joy in the world and will celebrate it in your honour. I really liked Brad's photos too ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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