Dealing With Those "moments"

[KATPILOT]

Mitch it is a fact that grief is a lonely road to travel and a simple truth is that Tammy is the only one who could truly satisfy that craving you have. I know I felt alone at first and still do much of the time. Nothing was ever going to remove the anguish of losing Kathy. It just wasn't going to happen no matter how much I tried to be with people who I thought would bring me comfort. At the end of the day she was still gone and I came unglued just the same. Only time is going to help you my friend. For now nothing will make sense. Answers will not come. Forty five is too young for certain. My wife was not much older and I was left feeling bad that she was cheated while I kept on living. Hell, I was ten years older than her when she left. Why I lived on and she could not was just one more question without an answer. You are likely to find more unanswerable questions in the coming months. I know what you mean about watching a program that Tammy would have wanted to see. Kathy just loved Dancing with the Stars but I find it too painful to watch. I turn it on sometimes and just let it play.

I may have said this already but it merits another mention. I could not handle the pain at first. I sought out a grief counselor which I feel saved my life. Not a quick fix, but a tool to help you survive. I still involve myself in group meetings and I spend a bit of time here reading often late at night when sleep evades me. I use every tool I can find to get through all this and to grow. Yes, I said grow because we are not dead yet, and I believe they would want us to keep growing. Do you know I still dig through and read about Kathy's earlier life and find more and more about the woman I love and gain more respect for her all the time. One day you will learn to honor your bride by doing things she would love to see you doing. That will come in time but be certain of one thing. She is still with you. She is inside you effecting decisions you make and paths you choose to travel. You see, we are all affected by our loves. We shared so many times with them that we are not the same person we were before we met them. They became more like us and we them. Think about that when you make decisions, buy groceries, make changes in your home.

For now, just one day at a time................it will ease as time goes by even if your love never dies.

[mittam99]

Steve... thanks for the wonderful post! You said some things that really helped.

[kayc]

The love never does die, it's the one thing that is immortal.

[KATPILOT]

You've got that right Kay!!

[mittam99]

I just can't stop crying. I think about how much I miss Tammy and the tears just pour out. My heart feels completely broken...

My sister invited me to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate Mother's Day and my birthday. I'll go, but obviously, my thoughts will be elsewhere. It should be Tammy there by my side. I can't handle this feeling of being without my sweet TamTam. It's not just the sadness. It's not just the loneliness. It's not just the emptiness. Every moment of my life right now feels meaningless.

People try to tell me encouraging things. That I should try to find happiness it the little things... the little "victories". To find some happiness in things like listening to the birds chirp or rainbows. Or telling me I should get a dog or something as a companion. I guess my take on having a pet is different than most. I've had two dogs in my life. The first was hit and killed by a car. My second dog was like a best friend and when he died, I simply was overwhelmed with sadness. I haven't had a pet since. For all the wonderful things a pet brings, I'm not equipped emotionally to handle another potential loss of something I love. I'm trying to cope. I want my days to go well. Unfortunately, the grief overwhelms me.

It's going fairly well at work because I've always had the ability to have a "work personality". What I mean is that I've always been able to put aside my personal issues and give my customers what they want... I'm extremely friendly and nice to them. I listen to their stories and smile at them but inside I'm thinking "I really don't feel like listening to this". Right now, I'm consumed in my grief.

I'm sure Tammy wouldn't want me so overwhelmed that I'm not really functioning. I just don't know how push myself to do all the things I need to do. There seems to be no real incentive.

The only thing that would make my life good again is for this to all have been a bad dream. To wake up and see Tammy there by my side, smiling. Since we all know that can't happen, I pretty much have a life and future that looks to be filled with gloom. How in the world can I be optimistic? Believe me, I want there to be happiness in my life. But how?

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

I wish I could answer the questions you throw out to the universe...but I know I am pretty much where you are and I can only share how I make it. As I have said here in a post or two, I can feel the "fog" beginning to lift a wee bit, and whatever is outside it is not something I know I am ready to handle. Things at work are really stabilized, as long as my regular routine is not disturbed. If I get pushed with requests that are beyond my "normal" duties, I feel irritated. By the time Friday gets here, I am exhausted and need a rest. I know about the work personality and having to wear it. I am thankful to work with so many understanding and supportive people. My annual review is coming up, and I am wondering how that is going to go. Six months of the year I was a normal, happy workhorse. Since December 4, I have done my job with little to no mistakes or deviations, but for the most part I keep to myself. I don't cry as much at work as I have, but I haven't had a lot of triggers lately. I was a mess the morning I dropped the dogs at the vet, but I recovered. And you will too, Mitch. Bouncing back takes a lot more effort. Just be kind with yourself.

I am all for that waking from a bad dream scenario. When those moments sneak in that reality flashes, I take a deep breath until it passes. I find myself having issues with Mother's Day this year. My mom has been gone over 10 years and most Mother's day in the past I just didn't give it much thought. Mother's Day seems to be more for the living than the deceased. But his year is different. With Mark gone, I am thinking more about my mom, and especially his mom. If I could get my wish to have time reversed, she would benefit too. All her other children are having a get together dinner for her tonight (I am a purist and think Mother's Day should be celebrated ON Mother's Day, especially this year). I am going to spend time with her tomorrow. I also see that tomorrow is your birthday, and I had a REAL hard time with mine. Basically it sucked and I wanted to just forget it. But I know Mark took delight in trying to make it a special day, just as I know your Tammy did for you. My only hope on that day was that next year would be a little better.

I have started making a list of the things I accomplish, even tiny little things so I can see that I am "doing". I can feel the person I used to be standing in the background with her "list"....those things that are annoying her that I just don't care to do right now. There are probably pages of projects that need completed. I just don't want to bother right now, but I will take credit for those little things I accomplish. They all contribute to making forward, a step at a time. That is all I can expect of myself. I look and see where have 5 months gone? Before Mark died, this time of the day on a Saturday I would be burning off to-do's in anticipation of his returning from work and OUR weekend could begin. Now I make my way through these two days, and prepare for another work week. Sometimes a friend will come over and we will run some errands, or play with the dogs or just visit. Sometimes it is only me. Either way, Friday turns into Saturday, then into Sunday. By Sunday night, I am ready for my weekly routine. I will allow myself to be okay about this for as long as it takes.

Any little step forward is good, Mitch. I know even the little steps are painful on so many levels, but we continue on. And some day, it will better a little better.

[kayc]

Mitch, I've found that living in the present moment has helped me to embrace the good that there is in this world to enjoy. If you try to compare the "little good things" to your lifetime of happiness with Tammy, of course it's going to fall short, so you let go of comparisons and accept what is. It is something that takes determined focus and practice, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I started doing this just a couple of weeks after George died and it's helped me tremendously. It's very much an attitude practice.

Having pets is a lifesaver for me and I can't imagine life ever without them. I have learned that loving someone is always with risk, even a pet, but we deny ourselves so much if we let fear of loss stop of from fully embracing love and life. If a person doesn't like pets, that's one thing, but to let fear stop you from loving anyone/anything seems sad.

Have you talked to a therapist about your outlook feeling full of gloom? I would say it is natural at this stage as we've all felt it, but it took tremendous effort and determination to break out of it, and a therapist can help point the way, esp. if you don't feel what has worked for us will work for you.

I hope you do find yourself enjoying your evening tonight. I know it's not the same as it would have been with Tammy...perhaps you could imagine her there beside you...how do you know but what maybe she is in spirit form? I carry George with me inside my heart and it's of tremendous comfort and encouragement to me, esp. when facing things that are hard. I think he'd be pleased to know that.

[mittam99]

I just got back from my birthday dinner and things went well overall. It was me, my older sister and her husband, my nephew and his girlfriend and a couple that was a long time friend of my sister. The food at the restaurant was good and they had a big red velvet cake for dessert. I have to say that I had a pretty good time... although... my sister's friend was pushing me to "move on", "find a girlfriend" and I almost lost it when she said I should "look for a rich one". I think (hope) that was the two glasses of wine speaking. Some people simply don't understand how devastating losing Tammy is to me. I can't believe I will be sixty in just a few short hours. At least I still have good hair.

[MartyT]

Today we celebrate you, dear Mitch, as we wish you peace and healing on your special day ♥

[kayc]

HAPPY 60TH, MITCH!

[mittam99]

Thanks Marty and Kay... at least two people on this board noticed!

My 60th birthday on Sunday was just another day. Back in March, I was expecting it to be a very special day for both me and Tammy. After all, my birthday is only on Mother's Day on a rare occasion. And 60 is a big number. I spent about 7 hours on the phone yesterday talking to a lot of people. I was grateful for that. Everything still feels empty and meaningless though...

If I'm occupied with something, I can concentrate on it. And I don't cry during those times. However, anytime my mind thinks about Tammy (which is all the time really) I lose it and cry like a baby. I still can't fathom that she's actually gone. How did that happen? The shoulda, coulda's still consume me. How do we go from watching TV together and eating lunch to Tammy being gone in a matter of hours? This funny, sweet, loving, beautiful and perfect for me woman not here on earth with me. Why?????

She was the only person that made this world right for me. It feels like I have nothing.

[kayc]

I know, Mitch, I really do. I remember how hard my first birthday without George was, no one wished me a happy birthday and it was such a stark contrast to when he was alive, he always went over the top for me! I cried myself to sleep. Since then, I've gotten more used to being alone or forgotten on special days, but not sure that makes it any easier.

[mittam99]

I'm just taking one day at a time. It still feels like this life is nothing more than going through the motions. Get up, work, eat, pay bills, sleep and repeat. Honestly, how could it be otherwise? I've lost my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the audience for my silly humor, my soulmate, my wife, the best kisser and hugger ever, my happiness... Tammy was my everything. I still can't fathom what happened or why. The emptiness of this life is overwhelming. I feel so lost, so lonely and so alone.

On a positive note, I had a terrific phone chat with Dew's Girl (Amy) the other day. She was very nice and it was good hearing her point of view on things. Made my day, for sure.

[mrundell]

Mitch... belated happy birthday. I know how hard it is to have a birthday without your soulmate I lost Don the week before my birthday. We'd planned to get away for my birthday... we always did something special. This year was so different. No romantic getaway, no flowers, no card... it was HARD. It's now almost 5 weeks since Don died... I too am going through the motions... get up, feed the dogs, go to work, smile and act like I'm okay, then come home to being ALONE! So different. So sad. So hard. Sometimes I just want to run away and try to forget... but then I realize I don't have Don to run away with. All my friends are getting back to their lives and I understand that. They have their life to live... and I get that. But I no longer have my "life"... Yes, I'm greatful for a once in a lifetime love, and I have great memories. I realize I have to reinvent my life in the new "normal". I don't have a choice. I was a "we", now I'm just a "me".

Take care of yourself and remember you're not alone. There are others sharing your pain.

Micki

[kayc]

I'm glad you got to hear from Amy, Mitch. Sometimes it does help to bounce things off others and glean a different perspective.

[Dew's Girl]

I enjoyed talking with you too. It's nice to talk to people who just want to listen and not try to make me feel better or cheer me up. I enjoyed hearing more about Tammy. She sounds like an amazing person and you guys had a special kind of love that doesn't come around every day.

[mittam99]

I just had one of those moments. I scraped up my hand pretty badly working on my car earlier today and just now decided to put some ointment on it... well...

For the past couple years I took care of Tammy's wounds including the many open MRSA ones. We kept a plastic shoebox sized storage container for many of our wound care items. Anyway, I remembered that we probably had some ointment in there I could use. I opened the box and saw many of the wound care supplies we used almost daily and a special scissors we used. When I saw the scissors, I lost it. I let out a huge scream and continued with more anguished screams and tears. I guess it was a reminder that we tried so hard to keep Tammy as healthy as we could. We fought the hard fight. We wanted more time together. More love. more smiles. Yet here I am, alone and Tammy has gone to heaven.

Why did this have to happen to such a wonderful person as Tammy?

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Mitch. I remember those anguished cries myself, it comes from the dead center of your broken heart. (((hugs)))

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Mitch,

All of us here on the forum care very much that you are in such anguish of soul. So many here are suffering terribly, and feel your pain, for your feelings echo their own. Some are hurting too intensely to write, but care very much that you hurt ~ and hurt so deeply. May God uplift you, and may you find peace for your broken heart.

I send you hugs. ❤️

Carrie

[enna]

Reaching out to let you know that I hear your cry. I hope your hand is better. Keep it clean.

Anne

[iPraiseHim]

I too, understand. I finally put a drawer away that my wife used for her supplies, panties, creams, powders, lotions, etc. I was okay until I put them away and the drawer back in place. It's been three months and This month of May, I'm reminded of so many memories with my beloved wife. Our birthdays are only a week apart but this year they might as well be a year. The pain of loss is so profound. I'll have a good day and get slammed with a reality check the next day. It just feels like I;m doing time, no joy. I miss my wife so much. My heart still aches for her. I don't see the light hill, or tunnel. My only joy now is the anticipation of seeing my beloved bride in Heaven when God calls me home. I will pray for you Mitch.

[mittam99]

This is just too hard. The hurt is too deep.

I'm sort of functioning. I'm working, I'm doing the chores I absolutely have to. Beyond that, I'm going through the motions.

Thinking about Tammy brings sadness, tears and guilt. The unfairness of everything she went through. The fact that I miss her so much it hurts. The fact I wasn't always the perfect husband. I know I tried my best but ultimately I wasn't able to save her. I was supposed to be her knight in shining armor and her protector.

This life put simply... sucks. Honestly, I don't know why I even work. For what future? I know people say it gets better with time, better how?

The truth is, I doubt life will get better. How could it? I lost everything that meant something in my world. This is how it will be.

It's called torture.

[kayc]

It gets better only in the sense that we do get more used to it and adjust to our new life and if we do our grief work (Marty just posted ) it makes a difference to our new life in the present.

I know how hard this is, Mitch. Reality is setting in for you and it's one of the harder stages to get through.

[mittam99]

I think about the fact that Tammy isn't alive and I cry her name out. Over and over. The sense of disbelief is still there. How could this all have happened? How could she be gone? I should be out shopping for gifts for her 46th birthday on June 10th.

This "new life" sucks.

[kayc]

June 10th, my dad's birthday and my parents' anniversary. And now I will think of your Tammy as well on that day.

I know, Mitch. It really does get better, I know you can't see that right now, and probably won't for a long time, it took me more time and effort than I can express, but It's more bearable now. I've gotten used to living alone although it wasn't my preference. My life lacks the big joy that is George shaped and I will miss that the rest of my life, but along with that lies the deep appreciation I have for having had the best husband in all the world. I am so glad I met him and had him in my life, even though it didn't last as long as we hoped.

It helps to have a plan in place for these days. Have you given thought as to how you'll spend the day? Have you considered what would make you more comfortable...working? Being alone? Being around people? Doing something in her memory? Trying to ignore it? Everyone handles it different so it's just good to realize that it's whatever makes YOU most comfortable that matters.

I tried to call you back, BTW, this has been a tremendously hard week between a crisis I had to deal with and also my granddaughter being born. Hoping things settle down to routine soon! Whatever that is!