KATPILOT Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 Yes Mitch this new life sucks! I'd like to say many things about it getting better but it never ends completely. Today is Monday. Today I am back at work (self employed so I'm not really slacking and possibly getting fired for spending time here) and I am grateful the weekend is over. After more than four years, I had one of the worst weekends in the last two years. I crashed again just like at first and I know why this time. Real life distractions! I came to realize that I had a distraction for all this time which kept the demons away somewhat. I had my grandchildren and Kay, you will discover what a joyful experience it will be. My grandchildren live just down the street and so had become quite a big part of my days. All the joy of them running to greet me, hugging me, sitting on my lap at dinners, is now gone for three months. This weekend I found myself alone. I mean truly alone. I had no idea how I was escaping the pain. It just grew over with sugar coating. At work, I get a distraction again. But that's all it is........just a distraction. It's about time I got back to the business of grieving. I know I'll smile once again. It's just that you will always have grief show up at the door. I believe it will be less often as time passes but I wanted to tell you about what I do on Kathy's birthday, and Christmas as well. Perhaps it will help as you mentioned that you would have been out shopping. I still go out shopping.....I do. I'll buy her a gift that will be something to go in our home that I think she would like. The truth is, it puts a smile on my face every time. You see, birthday's are still birthdays even when we cross over. Hell, if we could still celebrate Presidents Day, why shouldn't our spouses birthday be any less important? George Washington was one heck of a great guy, but my wife? Here's to Tammy's birthday George, and Kay, here's to George as well. I'll be thinking of you both. Stephen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 Same here. I thought I was going along pretty good and then Saturday night I had a HUGE breakdown. I couldn't get my dog, Hannah to come in out of the rain and wet that has been Houston this passed week. My yard holds water after a lot of rain, and we've had a lot of rain. My mother in law who is usually my company on the weekends was helping her sister whose house got flooded out this passed week, so I was on my own. I could have gone to help her, but my right hand is in a brace due to tendonitis in my thumb (and I am right handed so everything is such a trip). Well, I was afraid to go out into the water to chase her in, so I continued to yell at her. Finally I did go out and try to get her to come in, and the wetter I got, the madder I got. Finally once she came inside, I continued to yell at her. Then I broke down sobbing...screaming that I was TIRED of taking care of all this alone and TIRED of being scared most of the time. I sobbed for half an hour. It will be six months this Thursday, and I am taking a trip out of town that weekend. I think I am anxious about it, though it is for a good reason. I have been noticing lately that I wasn't crying as much, but then I have been doing a lot of escaping and not dealing this passed week. I have been on edge because of the rain and flooding. I was very happy to get back to work this morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 I understand about work being a distraction...that's why when I retired, the first year was such a huge adjustment..it hit home all the more to me how really alone I am and how really gone George is. He's not just at work, he's gone! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 Maryann, I have been watching the flooding in TX on the news, I hope you're not in a hard hit area, very scary, esp. when you're alone. I'm sorry you felt your meltdown, but sometimes we need it as a release from all that is pent up inside. I had a meltdown myself a couple days ago over a hard situation I'm going through. In the end I talked to a friend about the situation and she gave me some sound advice, which I took, and it helped tremendously. I do hope you can look forward to your trip and just get away with your friend and enjoy yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 Kay,I did not realize the stress I had from last week. Although my property was in no danger, there was lots of destruction around where I work, and Mark's aunt was affected. I really need to think about having someone look into all the water that stands in my backyard. We have French drains, but not sure if they are working properly because I get so much water in my back yard when there is a lot of rain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 It had to be stressful because it was very scary. I'm just so glad you are okay! My best friend that moved away lives in Lockhart, near Austin, and she's got standing water in her driveway...fortunately her home is up on a hill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 Working as it turned out, is a good distraction for me and I'm grateful for that. Beyond that though, it's very difficult for me to get motivated to do anything else. I think about what a wonderful person Tammy was and then I cry because of all the medical ordeals she didn't deserve. I think about how sweet she was and again I cry because life was so unfair to her in so many ways. Most of my anguish comes from just missing her. It hurts... it hurts so bad. Why was Tammy given all of this pain and suffering??? And then there's the stress of living this new life. As we all have... there are bills to be paid. Well, in my world for many years Tammy had the better job than me. She worked full time, I worked part time. To make up for my lesser income, I did most of the cooking, cleaning and house chores. Then in 2008, when Tammy went on disability, our life become more stressful. Her income dropped about $20,000 a year. You can only imagine how hard that was, especially considering that Tammy's medical bills were getting higher and let's face it, the cost of everything got higher. I mean, when I met Tammy in 1999, gas was hovering around $1 a gallon! And now in my new life, I have my same 25 hour a week job but I'm trying to pay the same bills without Tammy's income. Essentially I have to decide what bills have to be paid or skipped (and hope I don't get a turn off notice) and where to buy the cheapest food. The real ordeal happens when something goes wrong at my near 30 year old house. I have some plumbing issues and part of my exterior was damaged in a storm this past winter and still is in need of repair. I just found out my roof needs to be replaced. Grieving is hard enough but with the added stress of no money and a house needing big repairs it's pretty gut wrenching. Tammy had been paying into a life insurance policy since way before I met her. Sadly, a couple years ago while in the hospital she missed some payments and the company canceled her term life policy. She lost everything she paid in. The fact remains though, I could be a millionaire and the devastation of losing Tammy would hurt every bit as much. My old life was happy and filled with love. This one is filled with tears, loneliness, emptiness and anguish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 I know what you feel about the bills Mitch. I also had two incomes and we got by without a problem. Kathy did the book keeping since she was an accountant by trade so I never took the time to see how things were going. I always thought things were just fine but one day when I caught a glimpse of the business checkbook, I saw it was quite low. When I asked how we were going to pay all the bills, she just patted me on the back and said "If you knew how many times I had to rob Peter to pay Paul, you'd have freaked". The truth is, I worried always about the small stuff. Her attitude was "It will work out. It always does". Then she would go back to fixing dinner with that cute little smile on her face. So when she left, I was faced with all the bills. We owed the Mayo a lot of money since they were out of network for my insurance company and most of it was out of pocket. I was scared. I didn't know how I was ever going to get through it. Somehow, it just worked out. "It always does". Four years later, and I can now do all the books myself as well as work. Granted, I will be working for some years to come, but what else was I gonna do? Kind of reminds me of a Joe Walsh song....I think it's called the "worry song" and he says "You go to bed. I'll worry about it. I was going to be up anyway". So somehow every morning the sun still shows up even though we were sure it wouldn't. Before Kathy died, we needed to have our roof replaced because of hail damage. The insurance company gave us a check but it ended up going to help pay the medical bills after she was gone. I just did my roof two weeks ago. I am almost back on top. But you know Mitch? I would gladly be poor as a church mouse just to have her back, You will find a way through all this even if you can't see how yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 1, 2015 Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 In our marriage, I was the stable one. Mark struggled to find happiness in his employment. The one job he had, he made just above minimum wage. But he was GOOD at it and I always told him we would be fine. We didn't have or want fancy things. We were comfortable. We didn't take trips or vacations. I was happy wherever he was. The only struggle I am having is making the car payments. I don't drive, but plan to one day. When I go and sit in the car, I feel the closest to him. I managed to get all the medical bills taken care of. My place of employment took up a collection to pay for the cremation and service. I, too, would give up many of the comforts of life to have Mark back. Mitch, I feel all the emotions you have, and I hurt for you. These days are so hard, and it feels like every day is a battle. But I have to believe one day, it will hurt a little less, and breathing and moving through life won't be so difficult. The other night I broke down and yelled at the top of my lungs how TIRED I was of having to do all this alone. I was an independent woman before I married, and could stand the struggle of being single. But it's different now. I'm not single; I'm a widow, and it is not my choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2015 I know what you mean about being a widow Maryann. I was so proud to be a husband... Tammy's husband. I still wear my wedding ring, it makes me feel good. I definitely still feel more married than single but I can't reach out and hold my wife, can't kiss her or touch her soft skin. I miss her laugh and her voice and the smell of her hair and the way she made me feel so special. I miss everything about my Tammy. I have noticed a difference in my grief. Early on I would mostly just cry. Now when I cry it's usually accompanied by calling out Tammy's name over and over or repeating some phrase like "why?". My voice sounds like a wounded animal during these grief bursts. It seems like my pain is coming from my very soul. Honestly, my grief seems deeper now than a month ago. Yes, I'm coping in some ways but it's obvious my grief rocks me to the very core of my existence. I so want to believe she can hear me and see me in some way and there have been some "unusual" occurrences that make me feel Tammy is still with me. My sweet angel. Here they are listed in chronological order: 1. I may have already mentioned that I fell asleep on the highway traveling to Illinois for Tammy's services. My car hit a concrete construction barrier at 70 mph and there wasn't even a scratch. Logic says that's just not possible. Tammy knew how crazy I was about keeping the car looking good. It had to be my angel Tammy. The fact is, if I had drifted off to sleep a mile further ahead I would have driven directly into oncoming traffic. 2. I was talking on the phone to my niece about Katie and I started to get upset (Katie was very rough and disrespectful to Tammy at times) when all of the sudden our ceiling fan turned itself on at the highest speed (it's a six speed fan). First of all, Tammy loved that fan and especially the higher speeds. The timing was perfect... as I was getting upset on the phone the fan suddenly got my attention. An electrical fluke? Or was that Tammy saying "Don't get upset about the way Katie treated me"? 3. Our bedroom and upstairs bathroom floor creaks when you walk in certain spots. Our kitchen is on the floor below and you know when someone is walking to the bathroom. It makes a distinct sound. I'd hear that sound many times when I'd be in there making a meal and Tammy would get up and go to the bathroom. Well, a few weeks ago I was in the kitchen and I heard that distinct, unmistakable sound of someone walking upstairs. I actually called out Tammy's name and ran upstairs to see if she was there. 4. Just the other day, something odd happen on my desk at home. I keep my watch and keys on top of my wallet. I was watching TV when I heard a sound that startled me. What I saw gave me chills. I saw my watch moving and realized it was no longer on my wallet. It was now a couple inches away. Keep in mind the watch was pretty stable on the wallet. It's never done that before and we didn't have an earthquake. Yes, it could have been a fluke or was it Tammy letting me know she's still with me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 2, 2015 Report Share Posted June 2, 2015 Mitch, I believe without a doubt that Tammy is still with you. She is trying to let you know, so that you will feel peace. Don't let your logical mind pass it off as anything less. She loved you and will never leave you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bcb68 Posted June 3, 2015 Report Share Posted June 3, 2015 Mitch, I'm sorry I have no words of comfort for you. I just want you to know I hear you. I am currently going through the same feelings as you and your posts let me know that I am not alone in this experience. Thank you for having the strength to share. Brian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2015 Tough one today. It's been exactly three months since that awful, gut wrenching, devastating day in March. The world is missing one of the best smiles ever. Missing an absolutely amazing laugh. Missing those perfect, squishy hugs. Missing one of the sweetest human beings ever. Tammy was and always will be my sweet, little angel. Anyone who knew her knows what a wonderful person she was. You had to feel good around Tammy. She was a charmer. I was blessed to have her in my life. I was so blessed that she said yes when I asked her to be my wife! I will love her forever and always. - Mitch 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suitearia Posted June 6, 2015 Report Share Posted June 6, 2015 Hello Mitch ... since my husband died I've often said I just want to go where Ric is and be with him. Just like you I'm not suicidal. Just like you I have a quantity of dilaudid and fentanyl patches (not sure how to dispose of those - the hospice will probably tell me). I'm sorry that you were traumatized by some of the things that you saw on March 6. I'm too new at this grief thing to offer you any sage advice; but you did take the first step by setting an appointment with a grief counselor, so that is a positive .... I wrote to let you know that someone else was touched by your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 7, 2015 Report Share Posted June 7, 2015 The amazing thing to me is that we can keep living when it didn't seem possible. Granted, it's all changed drastically and all that seemed wonderful and joyous in our life is gone, we truly have to search out and acknowledge the good that is left...but just the thought that I could still be here ten years later (the 19th) doesn't seem possible. I wouldn't have believed it June 19, 2005. Mitch, I've tried to call you a couple of times but you were probably at work, not knowing your work schedule and considering time differences...I usually think of it as my day is winding down and it's too late to call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2015 Tomorrow is Tammy's birthday (she would be 46) and I know it will be a difficult day. When I met Tammy I found out that you didn't just have a birth "day" you celebrated with a birth "week"! She was so cute about everything she did. Such a sweetie pie. I bought some jumbo shrimp and I'll be making some of her favorite shrimp scampi with as much love as I always did. I know she's here with me. It's hard even writing about this without crying. She should still be here. We were supposed to be going to the ocean this summer and we were going to travel to Illinois to see her niece graduate. It all just hurts so bad. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow, Mitch. I will be out of town during the day but will try to call you tomorrow evening...I don't know if you're working tomorrow or not though. I'd thought of doing the same thing on George's birthday (14th) as that man lived to eat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Mitch, I have been thinking of you and your Tammy a lot for the last few days. Because of my own situation, I never know when I can write. Please know that I care, and that I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You have "a whole bunch" of people who care that you are hurting, but are grieving too intensely to write. They read, and many pray. Hugs, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Happy Birthday to Tammy Mitch. I wish some times of peace for you today knowing a lot of people are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Thanks to everybody for their kind thoughts, words and prayers. My beloved wife Tammy was born 46 years ago today in Urbana, Illinois. Tammy wasn't just my wife and soulmate, she truly was my whole world. I wrote her a little birthday note and put it on her pillow. I'm making one of her favorite shrimp dishes today for dinner. I miss her so much it hurts. The pain of Tammy not being here to celebrate brings me to my knees in overwhelming sorrow. No words could ever describe how much love I feel for Tammy. She is forever and always my special girl. - Mitch 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 We're all thinking of you and your precious Tammy today, dear Mitch, and sending peace and healing to your broken heart ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Dear Mitch,I know how hard it was for me on MY birthday, so I know your hurt is increased a hundredfold. May Tammy's spirit be with you today, and every day as you learn to make you way through this new life. Know that she is at peace and no longer hurting, and that her love is with you forever. You were her greatest gift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Thank you Marty and Maryann. Tammy was such a sweet, funny and loving person. She was one of those people you couldn't help but like. It's just so hard coming to grips with that fact that she was taken away so soon. And that she had to endure so much pain in her life. She will always be my angel and I know she will always be with me in some way. My love for her today is as intense as it always was and I will forever be in love with my beautiful TamTam. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Happy Birthday to Tammy in heaven, I only wish we didn't have to be away from our spouses, esp. on these special days. Thinking of you, Mitch...I'm walking the dog & heading to the valley for the day, will try to call you tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 I am thinking of you and Tammy today, Mitch. I'm thinking of you also, Kay, and am praying for your safety as you travel. Blessings, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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