Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

Posted Yesterday, 10:39 PM

My Jack and I were together only 8 years, we're not married, although we talked frequently about it, and for sure within the next year we would have been wed. He said he was the luckiest man in the world because I was such an amazing cook. I cooked anti inflammatory organic meals. I made him 2-3 full meals a day and we loved having dinner dates out. On March 16th this year we were on our way to a movie one day and he collapsed at the bottom of our stair case. I immediately called 911 but they took forever and my chest compressions were not effective because the operator said to only push 2" down. My man was almost 7' tall and once the EMT's arrived they were pushing so hard I realized my chest compressions didn't help him. He stopped breathing in my arms. In fact he was already unresponsive as soon as he collapsed. I am still thinking he will come home. I watch our shows alone now and I feel guilty because while he was alive we loved cuddling up to catch our favorites on TV. I feel happy cooking and for the first week after he passed I was cooking for all my friends and family what I would normally cook for Jack.

Our Russian blue kitty loved Jack so much. She saw him collapse and witnessed the scene at the bottom of the stairs when the paramedics were here. She cries at least 15 times a day at the bottom of our stairs until I come sit with her. Then of coarse I start crying. Then talking/yelling/pleading with my love to come back to me and asking him why he left me all alone.

When I come home after being out for any period of time, I will pause there in his spot and tell him about my day and break down typically. I haven't gotten a grief counselor, however I have been journaling EVERY day. It helps a lot! He had no will (because we thought he would live 20 more years) although we talked about him having one, his sons say there was nothing for me. So now I am having to get a job and figure out life with no car or home or job. His son took my home and car. Thankfully God has provided a awesome set of jobs and a friend who lost a fiancé with a free master guest suite in their 5000 sq ft home. I still have no car. I am still dealing with a jerk of a son who doesn't want to give me hardly any of our possessions and is acting like a total jerk to me.

Anyways, this site seems uplifting and I see myself here a lot in the near future. Jack was my absolute EVERYTHING. I feel lost without my very best friend. We were the biggest nerds together. I, an ex model. He, an ex pro athlete. We were so goofy all day, every day! All kinds of adorable little rituals and inside jokes and knick names. I miss the total glow we had on our faces when the other would walk In The room. I miss being told I was amazing and loved and beautiful and held 1000 times a day! I hope it gets easier!
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO FIND SOME WAY TO GET A NEW CAR. I have everything else figured out! Pray for my happiness as well!

Thanks for letting me share!

Posted Yesterday, 10:39 PM

Btw he had an enlarged heart with high blood pressure
Cassandra

Posted Today, 07:03 PM

My love of my life died recently. I am feeling lost. He has a enlarged heart and high blood pressure. He also had lupus. He was healthier than ever and collapsed at the bottom of our stairs. I don't know how to go on without my best friend and the love of my life. I look forward to little suggestions about how to cope. I currently journal daily, spend time with friends, and try to distract myself while I am alone with movies and TV. I look at our photos and videos to comfort me. But there is no real comfort right now. I lost the love of my life on matchbox 16, 2015. I just don't know how to move forward without feeling this 7' tall hole in my heart. He was a pro basketball player, so it is a big hole. He was one of a kind! I am lost!

post-17288-0-27920100-1428458287_thumb.j

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cassandra, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you and Jack had something very special. I lost my wife Tammy suddenly on March 6th after a long battle with lupus.

You've definitely found a wonderful resource for those who have lost a loved one. This forum and it's members have been absolutely amazing and comforting to me. Please continue to post about your grief journey here. I know this site and it's members will give you insight and inspiration and much needed comfort as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for your loss Cassandra. What a beautiful picture of the two of you. You are in that place where so many of us have been. Your grief is early and the journey is just beginning. These first months will require you to take care of yourself. You will do what is best for you. Each journey is as it is. There is no right or wrong way. One thing we can assure you as you stay here with us is that we will be right here with you.

We will listen and later you will be directed to things to read. Those here post thoughts and even offer ways that have helped them.

Anne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cassandra, I'm so sorry for your loss. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would find myself in this position at age 53. These past few months have been almost like a dream...everything has moved along, but I feel like I am in the same place when Mark died. I get through each day, but don't feel any better than the day he died. I have learned to cope and I guess that needs to be enough right now. There are some things that make Mark's absence more profound. How I wish there was a rewind button somewhere to go back before his death and make things different. Cassandra, take heart in knowing how much you were loved. It is n't easy, but one day at a time will get you through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My Jack wouldn't let me take care of any bill. Asked me to quit my job so we could spend more time together. He constantly surprised me with gifts and surprise dates to various places like art museums and cirque du soliel shows. he was the kind of man who held doors open for me, in fact if I even reached for my door handle he would get hilariously mad at me. He and I had spent years building a life together, a home together. Now I have to move out in three weeks. I have mixed emotions. I feel being here I am close to him. I worry that when I move I will regret leaving here. On the other hand, I feel like my kitty would stop crying at the bottom of the stairs, and I would be able to heal easier with new scenery. Either way it is scary!

I feel like everything is wrong in my world. I can't believe that my best friend and other half is gone forever. He accepted my flaws, he loved them even. He was the most affectionate silly intelligent and handsome man in the world. I miss him so much! I just got his ashes yesterday. Such a huge guy, in such a small container. It is so awful!

Hey I want to have a portion of his ashes made into a piece of jewelry. Like a glass pendant or something else wearable. Any ideas on what other ways to use ashes? Something super special!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know I replied to you but don't see it here, maybe it's back on Mitch's thread. I thought your Kitty was a rabbit at first! I used to have a cat with big ears like that...it was my George's cat, Tigger. I'm so sorry she's grieving too, my dog, Lucky did that, used to sit outside my son's bedroom door when he went into the Air Force, and she really had a hard time when my husband, George, died. She should do better with time, just give her lots of love!'

I love the picture of you and Jack, my you're a tiny little thing! He must be 6'4" or something!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cassandra,

I am so so sorry! And I'm sorry you were left destitute, it looks like the powers that be are making provision for you, though, I'm glad of that. We had someone else here that went through the same thing, they were living with their BF with plans to marry and when he died, his family came in and took everything, including their shared possessions. She had to move back home with her folks and it took her months to get back on her feet but she's doing better now.

I'm sorry your kitty is heartbroken as well. Our pets needs extra special attention when they've had a loss too. I hope you find solace in each other.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it does help to express ourselves and share in our journeys together. I'm so glad you have some jobs now and a place to live!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like everything is wrong in my world. I can't believe that my best friend and other half is gone forever. He accepted my flaws, he loved them even.

I completely understand Cassandra. My Tammy also accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. I've never had that before, that unconditional love. Like you said it does feel like everything's wrong in your world. The world does seem like a different place. The truth is, the world hasn't changed but we definitely have. Losing you soul mate is a traumatic, life changing event.

Just like you, I'm early in my grief journey. I'm just taking it a day at a time. Trying to put one step in front of the other. Really, that's all you can do.

Keep posting here and letting your feelings out, it will help!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kayc, he was 6'10" and used to play in the NBA. His memorial is on the 16th of April. I have a feeling I am going to lose it all over again and have to start from square one with my grieving process. Unfortunately he passed before March madness and he had a ton of basketball people who wanted to attend but were held up because of the months events. Waiting a month kinda sucks. But it wasn't up to me.

His son is still being a dick! He changed our iCloud password because he is a hacker. Now I can't use his cell phone at all until I put in the iCloud password. And the images and videos and little things like his pandora account etc are lost to me. We used to listen to the pandora as we got showered and ready to go out on a date or to start our day. I would like that back. I told the son this but he ignores me. I don't know why the little s*** wants to take even more from me. I have already lost everything! Just sucks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jack turned 51 in January. I am almost 32. We have been together for 8 years. Every day was like Christmas with him. Just waking up happy next to eachother. He snores like crazy, so do I lol. He is the first boyfriend who NEVER commented even once on how my snoring kept him up. In the past, I lost boyfriends over their not being able to handle my snoring.

We called our cuddling burrito's. Neither of us like beans lol so in a burrito it was mostly cheese and meat. So I would tell him he was the meat and without him I would just be the cheese. Because I was cheesy to say such silly things. Lol I totally miss my nugget. That was his nick name. And mine as well. I miss all our site and retarded little love things we did 1000 times a day. Like screaming. "Mine" or "I love this man/woman" in public at the top of our lungs randomly. So funny! We already found out other half so we loved being nerdy in public. It was like we showed the world we didn't care about them because we were with eachother and going to be together forever!

I miss my best friend! Today has been extra hard for some reason. I woke up and stared at the wall crying for 2 hours until my girlfriend came in to ask if I still wanted to go paddleboarding. So I forced myself up out of bed but now that my friend is gone I am feeling lost. My heart aches! Like all the time! How long does it take to stop hurting? How can I stop hurting? Please tell me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cassandra,

No one can tell you how long it will hurt because everyone's journey is individual, but it evolves. I can promise you it won't stay at this level of intensity forever, you will always miss him, but the grief evolves into something more manageable and there will come a time that the thought of him will bring a smile instead of pain...I know you can't see that now, it's one of those things you'll have to trust me and some of the others that have been at this a long while on.

I am so sorry his son is taking away more from you and being like that. His dad would NOT like that, if only he could see that! He needn't like you or approve your relationship, it isn't FOR him to approve or disapprove, that was a decision only for you and his dad! But to further infiltrate your life by hacking into your account and taking those precious things from you is just so wrong on every level! Do you know anyone who could get it back for you? Was the account in your BF's name, is that why you'e unable to get access? I think this is going to be a more common problem for people in the future because we have so much of our lives wrapped up in the cloud or on line or with passwords. I've shared with my son how to get into my accounts should I die, he is someone I trust implicitly and know he will "do the right thing", I think it's so important for our loved ones to continue to have access to us in that way after we die.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I introduced him to a poker site called fresh deck poker. He played it every day. He is ranked #4 in the whole world on it. It was such a big part of our lives I would love to go on there and keep playing! Of coarse until his son gives me his password I can not get access to the devices at all. A big message comes up that blocks the screen saying I need to enter the pw. Kayc you are right, he would not be pleased his son is being such a douche! I am having a hard time sleeping tonight! I take Xanax most nights since jack died actually. I didn't tonight. Jack and I cuddled together every single night for so freaking long! Sleeping alone is difficult.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know. I still don't sleep in a bed, it's a reminder of his absence, I've slept in a loveseat recliner for years. I hope you can find a way in. Could you contact the company and ask for a pw reset?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I should try to contact the company for the password! Great idea! I have had a mush brain since Jack left.

Is it weird I have a hard time typing that he died? Or the word deceased? I hate seeing those words in front of me!

Jack's memorial is finally taking place tomorrow. A whole month after his passing. I have kinda been doing okay, but I feel like tomorrow I am going to just lose my composure and wind up back at square one of grieving.

Update, his son is still being a douche!

I just miss my Nugget so much! I feel like there is a 1000lb weight on my chest today!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is it weird I have a hard time typing that he died? Or the word deceased? I hate seeing those words in front of me!

I'm the same way and I'm sure most of us early in our grief journey are the same. I think it just eases the pain more to say or write "passed" or "passed away". Maybe that's a form of denial and lack of acceptance or something. I guess for me it's just a more gentle and appropriate way of saying it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And yet I've heard people say it bothered them to hear "he passed", they'd rather hear "he died", so I guess it's an individual thing. I think when you're still having a hard time wrapping your head around the whole thing, no matter how you hear it stated, it's tough to swallow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry. I think that's how we're left, like we're missing something...we are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:( Most days are like that in the beginning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I have a huge week. I have to buy all packing materials either today or tomorrow. I need to find the strength to pack up the home Jack and I built together somehow. It isn't going to be easy! Every time I think about it I cry. I am going to donate a lot of clothes to good will and maybe to a specific charity for tall people. As I know Jack struggled finding cool shoes and clothing that fit him his entire life! He would like that!

It is tough!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...