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Learning About Suicide Loss


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You're right. There's no guarantee that any 'solution' that I came up with would have solved anything. I know I'm dealing with so much inner turmoil right now and nothing is consoling. Therapy and meds help but nothing is solving the inner thoughts, the nightmares, the ptsd symptoms. So you are right, there's no reason for me to assume that the medical profession would quickly resolve his issues, or even with long term treatment.

I wish that I had been given the chance though.

I had an acquaintance once ask me "my step daughter keeps threatening her life for 2 years now, how many times do I have to save her life?" ... I sat there stunned and said 'every time be grateful you were given the opportunity' .. then I politely walked away hoping I'd never ever see her face again. So far I haven't.

I bet it seems that I know some really awful people. In reality I know so many good people but only talk about the awful ones.

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The three month mark is quickly approaching, the 26th of Jan is the day my Matthew left us.

Next comes Mother's day on May 10th.

Then Father's day follows a few weeks later.

Nothing will ever be the same, always overshadowed by our enormous loss.

Every morning receiving the same shocking feeling that he's not down the hall asleep anymore.

Every meal an empty seat.

Every song a missing voice singing along.

His dog still looks for him and taps on his bedroom door. I know how he feels.

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Cindy,

I'm so sorry. I know there's no "fix" for this. His poor dog, I'm sure you can feel for him.

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Cindy, my dear, I'm so sorry that your son's dog is grieving right along with you, but I'm not at all surprised. Common sense tells us that, just as we form attachments to our companion animals, they form attachments to us as well.
I don't know how long your dog has been with your family, but I imagine he was quite close to your son, sharing much of his day with him, staying near his side throughout the day and maybe even sleeping with him at night. When death separated them, it's understandable that the one left behind can become distressed. Although there are no scientific research reports in the literature about this, I can assure you that I've read, heard about and experienced myself many examples of animals reacting strongly to the death of their companions (human and animal) with symptoms of separation anxiety. It's also possible that your dog is sensing distress in you and in other family members, and is reacting to any changes in routine that accompanied this loss. When you think about it, how animals behave (with anxiety, restlessness, depression, crying and searching) is very similar to how we humans behave when we're grieving.
Here are some suggestions that might help you to help your dog:
  • Keep his daily routine as unchanged as you can, so it remains as predictable, familiar and consistent as possible.
  • Provide comfort by leaving the radio or television on when leaving the house.
  • Stick to his normal feeding routine. Even though you may be tempted to offer special treats at such a sad time, you don't want to reward his refusal to eat regular meals.
  • If he seems to want it, give him extra attention, petting and affection, but try to do so when he is behaving in desirable ways (with toys, games and exercise). Again, you don't want to reinforce negative behavior, and you don't want to force yourself upon him. (Some animals who've always been friendly may behave in a hostile or aggressive way — another symptom of grief.)
  • It may help to let him see and smell your son's "things" (clothing, hairbrush, bedding, etc.). Some people recommend actually sitting down and "explaining" to the animal what happened to their companion. Your dog won't understand every word, but your gentle touch and the soothing tone of your voice will provide some comfort.
  • Give him time to adjust to this very big change in his life. Like you, he is missing your son, and more than anything he needs you to be patient with him.
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Thank you all for the prayers. It's such a tough week for me. The world keeps turning, and people keep moving, and yet I feel like I'm standing still in shock sometimes. I work full time and it's the only reprieve that I have. But when I get home, or even when I'm driving home, I crash inside and tears just flow. I bet the people at work think I'm the strongest woman they've ever seen. But hearing about their petty problems, fixing their computer issues, un-jamming their printers and putting batteries in their computer mice keeps me going, thinking about other things. I can't thank them, it's just work. Every day it seems, at least one person will stop by and touch me and ask how I'm feeling, or if I'm really ok. I lie. I know that I do. But I haven't connected with anyone well enough to tell them, and I'd really mess up my makeup if I decided to talk about my emotions. I am afraid to hear those statements that are meant to help but don't too.

I do have one coworker that confided in me about her son's suicide due to PTSD. She hasn't attended any meetings, gone through any counseling, nor told anyone else about it. It's only been 2 year and it's still a scary secret in her family. I can't imagine living that way. I gave her one of my many books that I've read and she told me that it was really helpful. I did invite her to 2 SOS meetings, but she says that she's not ready yet. We don't see each other often, and I'm kind of glad because we'd both cry at work if we did. I can see the pain in her face and her posture. It reminds me to stand taller, smile at passers by, and chit chat in the break room a little. I guess that I just don't want pity and I fear that's what I'll get - instead of friendship.

Matthew's little weenie dog is ok Marty. She (maggie mae) demands so much attention because my husband is home (disabled vet) almost always, and she's used to constant companionship. Whenever we left at night Matthew was always there, so she is spoiled rotten. She won't eat without someone there near her though, and this is new. So we accommodate by standing there near her while she eats. It's sort of funny, but I think it's because Matthew used to pretend to eat with her. I have never opened his door for her when she taps on it, but I will leave that door open this weekend and see how she behaves. I saw her sleeping on his bathroom rug pretty often after he left us, but I haven't seen her do that in a while. I figured it was to smell him. So you are probably right.

The days immediately following Matthew's death were filled with mayhem for her. A house full of strangers was disturbing for her, and staying at a friend's house for 2 nights while we traveled to Louisiana for the final burial ceremony made her upset. When she came home she was clearly upset for about 3 days. I'm glad that her appetite wasn't too effected because she's barely 9 pounds full grown. I can imagine that separation anxiety is what she had. I know that's what I have, a real fear of abandonment.

Matthew's outside dogs live in a large pen (maybe too large) under an enormous tree with a custom made (by us) 2 story dog house; a boxer and a blue healer. We have to take them for walks now, as that was Matthew's job. I'm not terribly good about it, so thank goodness that my husband is. I really should find new homes for those two guys. They always seem really happy and playful though. We live in the country but we can't just let them run around because they enjoy chasing chickens or livestock way too much.

I wish all a great day and weekend ahead. I'm doing a 5k tomorrow morning and a pool tournament tomorrow night. Wish me luck. It's my first weekend getting 'out there' in a while. I tried a few weeks ago but comments from acquaintances upset me so much that I went home. I'm better armed now, I think. I hope.

Cindy

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I know you don't feel like it, Cindy, but you are one courageous lady. Courage is about not wanting to do what you have to do, but doing it anyway ~ and I understand that getting "out there" is terribly difficult for you ~ but you are willing to do it anyway. Good for you. Take all of us with you in your heart. Let that be your armor, and know that we are with you.

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I agree with Marty. And Marty, that's a good post on grieving dogs. When George died, my Lucky grieved but I was so steeped in grief I didn't notice any but my own, my daughter pointed it out to me. Her behavior was abnormal, she was destructive, and she'd never been like that in her life. After my daughter pointed out that she was grieving and upset and didn't have any other way to express it, I made an effort to give her more attention and she started doing better.

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Good morning all,

I left Matthew's bedroom door open all weekend, and it's still open right now. Maggie went in and out quite a few times on Saturday, then stopped going. She was looking for him I'm sure. Checking to see if he was there, and finally just gave up I think. It's the only time I'd ever wished that I could know what her thoughts are.

I did the 5k Saturday morning but not the tournament Saturday night. I was willing but my husband was sick. So we watched movies at home instead. Which was good, as my legs were tired from the 5k. I only knew a few of the 730 participants and there's not much chatting at a 5k, so that was good. I saw pity on a few faces though, as they saw mine for the first time in a while. I hate that pity look. I'd so much more rather see a big smile that says it's great to see you. But I am not in control of others, just myself, and my reactions. So I smiled at them regardless of their facial expressions. It wasn't a show - I was happy to be there. The path went around the ball park where Matthew used to play baseball for the city league. I was ok with that. I am going in the right direction. (Thank you God).

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Thanks Marty! Those are some interesting sites. I'm still reading them..

Have any of you seen the movie "Four Sisters" ?? If so, please tell me your opinion of it.

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I did a search and did not come up with a movie called "Four Sisters". There is one called "Four Daughters" and one called "Four Sisters and a Wedding". Is it one of those?

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I dreamt of my 3 sons last night, they were all about 5 years old in the dream though. My daughter was an adult though. But she is the oldest. We were all swimming and giggling. I hated waking up and fussed at the morning. And now I'm lonesome. So I told my daughter about my dream and she had one as well. She got to video chat with Matthew through a special telescope all the way to heaven, for a few moments. Just like she was testing a new telescope, not contacting him to chat. But he was older in her dream, about 20, instead of 15 anymore.

I just thought I'd share this.

Did you see the trailer for the foursisters documentary movie from the link above? I think I'll watch it this weekend.

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Yes, thanks for sharing that. That would be a hard movie to watch, I'd think.

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I watched it until my ipad froze up, and then an update started, so I'll have to finish it tonight. But it wasn't as hard to watch as you'd think, and it wasn't as informative as I'd imagine it could have been. It was filmed in Austin, which is only about 50 miles from me, so that was unexpected. I would instead recommend reading these.

The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide

or

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  • 4 weeks later...

Suicide stuff is really tough as I'm sorry for your loss . I lost my dad to it when I was 10 years old . Many times as a kid I didn't believe it was him was trying to believe that someone else was in the coffin like he had twins or was wearing another mask . Oh, I became mad at many people for quite a few years of my teen years and I didn't start crying til like 6 years later for him saying I miss my daddy I want my daddy . Suicide as you can't understand what makes people do that and you don't realize they had pretty bad emotions and you worry about those who struggle with their emotions as I worry about my son being at a higher risk due to the fact he is highly sensitive, we had 3 suicides in our family and my son has trouble sharing emotions which I don't know how to help him with that. Even while our Uncle was dying he was sad about it but held his tears in during his crying moments . He has had kids bully him including adults .

My son wasn't able to express his emotions very well at all either. He turned to music, sports and art instead. Although in hindsight I wish that I had helped him find even more and better outlets for his emotions, I was unaware of his inner turmoils. I do hope that you help you son find good outlets and sources. Especially through puberty. 14-24 are the most vulnerable years for boys. They need grief support groups and counseling as much as we do, if not more.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Yes, I have read it before, and Langston Hughes has the same birthday as my son that left us by suicide. It's the shortest thing, only 3 little lines.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Stupid comments ruin my day, yet again.

How does this keep happening and why doesn't it stop?

My coworker says "that tv show is so stupid that it literally makes me want to shoot myself in the head'

... I have no response but to walk away. And here I am now.. hating today.

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I'm sorry. People do say stupid things without thinking, but for a coworker who knows what you've been through to say something like that is just plain insensitive and beyond stupid! I think I'd have to retort to something that blatant but then it'd probably just go right over her head. Perhaps you could talk to her and tell her that you found that remark insensitive and ignorant (I guess you'd have to be more tactful than that, darn!)?

I was a rape victim when I was 16 and the other day my neighbor was joking about rape. I told him I found it no laughing matter, and if he'd ever been raped, he couldn't be so flippant about it (the remark was "rape? I LIKE rape!" It was a quote from a comedian. Honestly, there's some things you shouldn't joke about. Why, as a society, can we be so insensitive and stupid! Even with me saying something to him a couple of times, you could tell he thought I was just being overboard and defensive, he didn't apologize. To me it just showed what a boor he can be.

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In my neighbor's instance, it wasn't a slip of the tongue, it was pure ignorance. Even when I called it to his attention he was not sorry. He's just that clueless.

I agree that sometimes people do say something thoughtless and regret it. There are times I do have to bite my tongue. It's important to bridle our tongue because some words cannot be taken back, the Bible talks about that.

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