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I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer


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Ditto, Dew's Girl, 5 month anniversary mark is on the 16th. My life is colorless as well. I feel like I'm just doing time and counting the days till God calls me home. Sounds morbid but it is what it is. I miss my wife, us, being a husband, taking care of my wife, just sharing life together. I have much to be grateful for. I can still work and can take care of myself... but the deep sense of loneliness and loss still hangs like moss. it is like living in two worlds. The world of the living and the world of the grieving. I handled the death of my best friend, mother, brother, and four beloved dogs, but nothing compares to the loss of my beloved best friend and wife. I deeply miss my sweetheart. Shalom

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I understand the expression of a colorless life. And I also understand the counting of the days. The glimpses of a life without Mark makes me close my eyes and take a deep breath. Yesterday I had an early morning doctor's appointment, and because it was out of the "normal", I was thrown off all day. All I wanted was to get home and get myself back on track. Our life together was a very simple one; now it is just lonely. The other evening the neighbors were having a get together; I sat on the swing in the backyard and just felt so alone. I just feel lost. I go to work everyday and try and stay in the present. I prefer to have tasks that I can lose myself in, to concentrate on and not think about the hurt. That is hard, because it is always present.

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Thank you Kay for posting the lyrics, it's very nice.

Amy, what you expressed in your post resembles what I (and all of us) experience every day. Yes, there are better days....still, we feel it's not enough.

I've been on a trip, the second one after my boyfriend passed away. I had fun, I enjoyed changing air....still, it felt totally incomplete and sad. We didn't travel together often, but he never stopped me to doing so. I called him every day while I was away and he always came to pick me up. This time, he's not there.

People tell me he's always with me now.....still, it's not enough.

People tell me I've my entire life ahead.....but I can't see why (how) this is a good thing.

It will never be complete again. And we must learn to cope with it. It's hard.

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With the perspective of the last half year, I can finally admit to myself without breaking in to tears that I will have a life without Daniel. I know that it will be full of people who love me and that there will be good times to come. But I also know, in my heart, that it will forever be in the shadow of what was and will always be compared with what can never be.

Amy, you are extremely lucky to have so many in your life who love you. No one can replace Daniel, but at least folks are there to comfort and support you. Sadly, I have no such luxury.

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Even if we have people in our lives to check in on us, and offer support, it is mostly a solo journey, this grief road we must walk. There are times I prefer to be alone; there are also times when I am hurting so badly and I am alone. I can't make myself pick up the phone and ask someone to come over. Mark and I weren't very social; didn't belong to a group of couples or didn't hang out with other people. We were home bodies. Like Amy said, no one can replace Mark. Sometimes having visitors is tiresome; trying to NOT be grieving when they visit. I find I am having a harder time with the physical aspects of grief, especially when compounded with the intense heat that has arrived here in Houston. Whatever energy I have left after working gets completely zapped. Mitch, there are perhaps people around you who are supporting you, you just might not be aware of it. Sometimes we have to ask, because others are afraid that they invade our lives when they want to help. I've gotten used to going it alone. I am hoping to get to a point where my mind is stronger and I am finally ready to learn to drive. No one is going to care for us like our spouses. That feeling of comfort is gone forever. I am over 7 months now, and I STILL wander through the house in search of something that isn't there. Loving someone with all our heart changes who we are, and not having that any longer will take a long time to try and recover from.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Happy Anniversary! I've discovered that most other people forget our marriage anniversary when one partner dies. It is as if the relationship ended when our spouse died. But for those surviving spouses we still remember them. So we who travail this grief trail with you also remember. It is a special time to be remembered. We never forget. May God bless you with good memories. Shalom

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Hoping today goes well for you, I know it's a poignant time.

iPraiseHim, I talked with one widow and she got downright angry if people mentioned her anniversary after her husband died. Just a reminder that not everyone feels or responds the same way. It can be sensitive, as it's not so happy once they're no longer there to celebrate with us, but hopefully we can continue to remember how blessed we were to have them in our lives and our wish for their well being never ceases.

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Oh Jan, 53 years! I only wish George & I could have had even half that long. But you're right, how happy can it be when the other one is gone. I remember how I felt having to cancel our motel reservation for our anniversary after George died. I'd thought about going anyway and just reflecting...but I couldn't. I haven't been back there, it's where we stayed on our honeymoon and our subsequent anniversaries.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Today would have been Daniel's 37th birthday.  Two days from now will be 7 months since I lost him.  The next day is my birthday.

I am living half a life.  During the work hours, I complete tasks and attend meetings as if life just carries on.  But my heart stopped beating on January 13th.  This juxtaposition is so surreal.  

 

Battle Lines   

dewsgirl.blogspot.com

My ears hear my mouth saying that we are ok.  It says how lucky we were to have Daniel for 13 1/2 amazing years and that some people never get to experience in a lifetime what we had for that short, blissful period.  My head nods as my brain agrees completely.  

But my heart is screaming, "NO!  It was not enough... there should have been more time."  My eyes must agree, because they fill up at the thought. 
 
My heart considers my hands traitors as they to go through the day to day tasks of living- brushing my teeth and driving to work.  They are conspiring with my feet to keep going from day to day. 

But my arms are not aligned with them.  They would be fighting alongside my heart if they weren't so depressed from being empty for too long. 
 
My chest and throat are allies with my heart and tighten up in failed attempts catch my breath, that disloyally continues to move in and out.
 
My soul just sits by staring, like a sad little girl looking forlornly out the window waiting for her best friend to come walking back home.
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Amy, your last line got to me...I so understand.  (((hugs)))

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I've been feeling like that sad little girl for the last 8 months, lost and wandering, also looking for my best friend...the one who protected me and stood by my side.  Amy, you stated it so eloquently.  Is it wrong to want to feel sad?  How does one reconcile with the fact that the one person who knew us like no one else, is gone...never to return.  To shake our head and also say..."it wasn't long enough"...or "I want him BACK"; to wish for something with every ounce of our being and feeling more heartbroken because it is futile.  There aren't enough birthday cakes in the world to make this wish come true.  When I say to someone that I still feel so broken, they look at me like I am crazy.  Where has the last 8 months gone?  How can it already be August?  I make my way through the week days; going to work and doing the job they pay me for.  Wanting to be home when I am there, and wanting to be anywhere else when I am home.  Trying to put the pieces of my world together with tape and glue.  We always prayed to find someone who would love us the way we wanted to be loved; looked at as the special being we are.  When we find that someone, oh, how we cherish them...but never give a thought to the amount of time we will have with them.  How can we think it will end in an instant?  Is that the lesson we are to get from all this grief?  Life is short?  Doesn't seem worth the pain.  I feel like I should wear a button that says "Still Broken"; but would people think it was for pity?  I don't want anyone to try and "fix it", but I also don't want anyone to dismiss it, either.  The only word I can think of to explain this feeling of loss is UNIMAGINABLE.

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Maryann,

It'd help a whole lot to have our grief validated.  Yes, you're right, you don't want your grief dismissed, and neither are you looking for pity, which would help nothing.  We FEEL broken when we lose our spouse!  I don't feel that way any longer, I just miss him.  I try not to think about it too hard, ie I don't think about how he held me, etc., it's too hard and it creates way too much longing that I can't do anything about.

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Amy, grieve as long as it takes til a new perspective arrives.  It think it will, eventually, and it has to be more tolerable than now.  And if it doesn't come for years, so be it.  And, for me, when my loved one was robbed of a long life, I got mad as hell and I still am.   I'm angry your precious Daniel went to sleep and left so suddenly. I'm angry and sad you have to face life without him.  But you sound so together in that you shine a light on the unique and precious time you were husband and wife.  That tells me some day, some time, you will find a new you with beautiful memories filling all the cracks in your heart.  Love to you and just take it one breath at a time...a deep breath.

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Amy,  Many of us are still going through what you so eloquently express.  I have no answers as I experience the same pain of loss. When we love deeply then we grieve deeply.  I know there is a purpose in all this but I can not tell what it is at this point. The pain of loss is still so raw and real (six months).  The world thinks its just another day, but for us, it is another day grieving about missing our precious loved one that we have bonded and our hearts and souls are one.  So we get up and face another day and strive to move forward; crawling through life.  I am grateful for this sanctuary where we can safely share with others who understand, experience and grow through grief.  Praying for all on this grief journey.  Shalom, George

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  • 2 weeks later...

I like the picture you shared on Aug. 11, it aptly depicts the feeling.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I know you guys will understand this.  My latest writing is about how I've reached a point where I really feel that it is no longer socially acceptable to talk about my grief to family and friends very often.  This huge thing overshadows every single thing I do, but to others it seems like they are ready to move on.  

 

Those of us who are left behind when the love of our life is gone share a secret.  We know that there is a point in time where people are just ready for us to get better.  We know that you care for us and don't want to see us sad anymore.  We also know that it's a real downer to hear how broken we are all the time. 

So, we start to fake it.  Here, let me translate for you....   http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/  

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