I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer

[kayc]

Brad, I appreciate your honesty, most people say "fine" when they aren't. It's a challenge to know what to say.  I usually was open with those I thought really cared and kept it a pat answer for those who I wasn't that close to.

[MartyT]

Brad, I like your suggestions, and I've added them to our blog post, here:  In Grief: Responding to "How Are You?"

Edited October 5, 2015 by MartyT

[debi.williams]

Too right Brad. No money, fame or worldwide notoriety could convince me to be a geriatric mother of a teen, whilst in her 80's !!!

[Dew's Girl]

I've set up a couple of places in the new house.  Over the mantle is a celebration of our marriage.  It includes the mouse ears we wore on our honeymoon to Disney and a painting representing us together in Paris.  In my bedroom is where I have Daniel's urn along with some things he enjoyed including the wooden owl we picked up on one of our vacations and the two bears we got that he said were "us" on our last trip to Colorado.  It's a work in progress.  I hope the picture attachments work.  A link is here http://imgur.com/a/Ej78q  in case they don't.

Edited October 25, 2015 by Dew's Girl

[debi.williams]

Both spaces are beautiful Amy. These are beautiful tributes to Daniel. How true 'A True Love Story Never Ends' you are proof of that x

[kayc]

I love what you've done, Amy.

[Dew's Girl]

Thank you.  It's been weird living somewhere new and this helps me stay connected to him.  I miss him like crazy every single day.

[Dew's Girl]

I can't believe it is coming up on the first year anniversary.  I have spent this last year thinking to myself, "just get through the first year" but I have no idea what I think will happen on day 366.  I do not feel any less lost than I did on that first day.  In many ways, I feel more so.

[Guest]

Amy - 

I believe we all look forward to making it through the year of firsts like it's something that will make our lives easier. In reality I believe that the second year make be as bad if not worse. At least for myself initially I was in such a stunned daze the first couple of months are nothing more than a blur of tears and hysteria. Now things have settled into a state of disbelief and incredulity. I don't cry as much but still feel like my reality has been hijacked and I have to be stuck in someone else's nightmare. 

I wish I could give you hope but all I can say is every day you have survived is one less day you will need to live without Dew. 

Yes, you will feel lost but with each passing day you will move and have been moving through the process to the point that some day this new reality will become more normal. At least that's what I hope. 

What a lousy time of the year to lose someone so precious. My heart goes out to all of you who are mourning death day anniversaries around the Holidays. 

[Gwenivere]

Amy, I just passed my one year almost 2 months ago.  I can only speak for me, but it hasn't gotten any better, if is actually worse. That year 'magical milestone' was fictitious.  I also feel the loss more intensely because I had to take over so many things and had the shock that distracted me more for the 1st year.  Now that that is done, my focus is totally on his absence.  Now I realize how long he has been gone.  How many things I have lived without regarding his presence.  I'm not getting used to it.  Plus people around me have moved on so that makes it harder.  On the (if you can call it that) plus side, I don't have to deal with the legalities and other crap so maybe having this be my total focus will help as I am free now to dive into just what this means about life, death and what my identity is now.  I have no illusions anymore either anymore that there will come a day I magically am at peace wit this.  The harsh realities are sinking in and as much as I hate them, I'd rather know it is normal than feel like I was going insane like I did.  The holidays have definitely not helped, so that is another thing I factor in.  

[MartyT]

Some reading that may be helpful as that first year has passed: Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way  ♥

[Dew's Girl]

Making it through one year...  I find myself having these visions of Daniel walking through the door, hugging me, and saying how proud he is that I made it through this horrible year.  Then we'll get back to our life.  

[scba]

I have recurrent dreams about meeting my boyfriend, hugging him and telling "I knew it wasn't true, you healed and you are back". In my dreams i feel the joy of being with him and saying that. A second later is all over again. I cannot fix my feelings and my impossible wishes, they are part of my heart now.

[WolfsKat]

58 minutes ago, scba said:

I have recurrent dreams about meeting my boyfriend, hugging him and telling "I knew it wasn't true, you healed and you are back". In my dreams i feel the joy of being with him and saying that. A second later is all over again. I cannot fix my feelings and my impossible wishes, they are part of my heart now.

I rather wish I could have a dream like that....just to feel him again,even if only in a dream state.

[Dew's Girl]

Why am I always surprised when grief plays tricks with me?  You'd like I'd learn to expect it by now.

I was all prepared for Thanksgiving and Christmas to be horrible but it was OK.  Not good by any means but I didn't break down.  I just felt numb.

Maybe it was going in to New Years eve with that false confidence that did it.  Daniel and I never made a big deal about NY eve.  We just enjoyed the day off and did our normal hobbies.  We stayed in and sometimes didn't even stay up until midnight.  So I felt like this would be any other day for me. 

All of my days are spent missing him and most still include tears.  But last night hit me so hard.  I have no idea why.  

I made a fire and heated up some leftovers and sat down to play a video game.  But I couldn't concentrate.  I turned on a movie and started to feel so miserable that I turned it off.  Finally, around 8:30 I knew that I just wanted to run and hide from this night.  I took a sleeping pill and found unconsciousness.

Maybe it was, as others have said, knowing that was the last night of the last year that Daniel saw.  He will never write a date with 2016 in it.  Maybe it was remembering that this time last year I had no idea that Daniel only had 12 days left.  Maybe it is knowing that in 2 weeks I'll have been his widow for a year.

Whenever I start to feel like I can live through this, another wave knocks me out.  Grief... two steps forward, a three steps back. Walking into hurricane winds.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Amy...

I hope you can kind of feel the hugs I am sending you on the first morning of 2016.  I will tell you that I felt exactly the same way you are when it was my time to face the one year of becoming Mark's widow.  Mine came not long after Thanksgiving. It is another one of those times we must get through along our journey.  It does get easier, Amy.  But as you are experiencing, the waves still come...sometimes big and overpowering.  As I have said to a couple close friends, sometimes I miss Mark so much that it takes my breath away.  I am still only able to handle bits and pieces of thinking about the fact that Mark is gone.  I went to bed about 9 pm last night, but found myself woken up just at midnight.  I have not seen a New Year's Eve in a long time; Mark would always come and wake me up when it was time to welcome in the new year. So, maybe it was him last night.  I still take it day by day, Amy.  I go to work, I take care of my dogs, I work in my house, and take care of myself best I can.  Most people would think it is not much of a life; but it is all I can handle.  I do find moments of joy, and I laugh.  I am seeing a therapist...long overdue for an appointment, but seeing one none the less.  I am thankful that the holidays are over, and regular life can continue now.  Just continue doing what you are to survive...be proud of how far you have already come; know that there will be setbacks.  The first year is spent mostly in a protective fog...the second year is more real, and as some people have said much harder.  But we will carry all the love we had for Mark and Daniel forward, and will learn however we can that we will be okay.  It doesn't always feel that way, and I am by no means trying to minimize what you are experiencing.  Just keep taking your steps, and when things look gloomy, feel your feelings and express what is in your heart...each and every day.  I hope you keep coming back and seeking shelter here among your fellow grievers.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Dew's Girl said:

Maybe it was, as others have said, knowing that was the last night of the last year that Daniel saw.  He will never write a date with 2016 in it.  Maybe it was remembering that this time last year I had no idea that Daniel only had 12 days left.  Maybe it is knowing that in 2 weeks I'll have been his widow for a year.

Whenever I start to feel like I can live through this, another wave knocks me out.  Grief... two steps forward, a three steps back. Walking into hurricane winds.

Amy - 

I see things as closing chapters on Deedo's life.  Last night another chapter closed and it was painful.  You have a big one coming too soon, or maybe not soon enough, depends on the minute, the hour, the day.  Know we will be thinking of you as you approach the anniversary of Daniel's death.  

[KarenK]

Among the movies I watched last night was "The Guys". It was not a "blockbuster", simply a film about a writer in New York who helped a fire captain to write eulogies for some of his men after the 9-11 tragedy. As the film progressed, she began to understand just who and what had been lost. It was a sad one as the captain described each of his men that was lost. At the end, she silently screamed "I want them back" as she mentally rewound all the events that took place before the planes hit the towers.

I'm sure each and every one of us would like to hit that rewind button, but unfortunately the tape has to play all the way through. In time it becomes a bit easier, and somehow we survive. For me, it has been 2+ and 1+ years respectively since losing my husband and daughter, and I still function each day. "Function" is the key word. I have not found happiness, but have not given up hoping for it one day.

[Guest]

Karen -

I doff my cap to you.  I couldn't watch a movie like that given where I am.  I also can't begin to imagine the pain of losing both your husband and your daughter so closely together.  What an emotional load that must be for you.  I do hope some day we all find happiness and if not that at least a modicum of contentment.  

[Dew's Girl]

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you all how instrumental you have been to helping me survive this year.  Below is an excerpt that I wanted to share with you from http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/

" While it is a fact that this has been the worst year of my life and I cannot put into words what I have lost (although Lord knows I've tried in these musings over the last 8 months) there were blessings as well.  It is during times such as these that we really understand what matters.  I know that I am so lucky to have people in my life that made it possible for me to live through my worst nightmare.

...

• The folks I've met through the www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com support group who are fighting to survive similar devastating losses but still take the time to comfort and encourage each other."

  I do believe that I would be crazy (more crazy?) by now without this place and the amazing people here.  Thank you.

[Guest Janka]

On ‎29‎.‎12‎.‎2015 at 4:43 AM, scba said:

I have recurrent dreams about meeting my boyfriend, hugging him and telling "I knew it wasn't true, you healed and you are back". In my dreams i feel the joy of being with him and saying that. A second later is all over again. I cannot fix my feelings and my impossible wishes, they are part of my heart now.

Oh my dear friend,

how much I long for those good dreams.It´s very rarely.I experience just many of nightmares since my beloved man Jan isn´t alive.Some of people here are asking me about my sleep and me,if I could,I would love to prolong my days to do not have to fall asleep yet,because then start those bad dreams again.Though I sleep longer,I don´t feel better,remembering all of my dreams that I can´t forget so far.I was so happy,having a good dream the last night.It gives me a hope that it can get better later.

Keep your beautiful dreams in your mind as they will be much needed to lessen the raw pain you feel inside.

With love Janka

[Dew's Girl]

I cannot believe that it has been a year today since I lost Daniel.  In some ways it feels like just yesterday that we were laughing together while in other times like I've been stuck in this purgatory of grief for 100 years.  

I'm going to try something new to break the cycle that I'm stuck in (what Mitch referred to as Grief Groundhog Day).  I am going to force myself to get out and do at least one thing per month that I know Daniel would have enjoyed as a test run for starting to live again.  My first attempt is to take a trip to Colorado this weekend.  I'll be going alone and I know that I am going to be so sad, but maybe if I do it enough, I can also start to find a way to live again too.  I am going with the "fake it til you make it" school of thought.  Maybe if I get out and start doing life then, eventually, I'll begin to live again.

I'm thinking of this as physical therapy for my soul.  As I posted on http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/  I feel like I've had my legs cut off at the knees and now I must start over.  It's like learning to walk again on artificial limbs.  I don't feel ready or prepared to stand yet, but I also know that it won't be any easier if I wait.

[kayc]

Amy,

My thoughts are with you today, I'm sorry I haven't been able to post here sooner, I have workmen here today, it's more than distracting1

Good for you for your goals.  I think you're on the right path!

[Dew's Girl]

I just realized that I went an entire week without crying.  Of course not a day goes by that I don't talk to him still and tell him how much I miss him, but no tears last week.

I'm feeling a little scared and guilty about that.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Amy,

I don't cry as often as I used to either... I don't track it to a specific week or time period.  Don't feel scared or guilty.  I still get hit by some strong waves though...especially these last couple weeks.  I am facing our anniversary date this weekend...tomorrow is our staff luncheon.  Last year it was held in December...a day before Mark died.  It was out last thing we did together...so I am preparing myself.  I think about Mark every spare minute...when work is not consuming my brain.  If I think I haven't expressed enough emotions, I take some time, play some music and cry.  I cried watching the Star Spangled Banner...Mark was very patriotic, and the song was a big deal for him.  Grief will show up, Amy.  Just continue as you are...you are doing great.