Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer


Recommended Posts

No one could be expected to cry every day of our lives.  Sometimes we cry from the inside and our bodies adjust...our hearts never will.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

I just realized that I went an entire week without crying.  Of course not a day goes by that I don't talk to him still and tell him how much I miss him, but no tears last week.

I'm feeling a little scared and guilty about that.

I have been thru brief periods like that myself.  I will notice it has been a few days.  At first I allowed myself to get sucked into thinking that maybe I was getting a better grip on things, tho I did still feel the sadness in my heart.  But it came back every time.  Sometimes the usual crying and others so hard it was crippling.  I never felt guilt or scared.  I have come to treasure those times as a port in a storm because I know this journey is going to last forever.  If we didn't get breaks now and then I truly think we would fall in a terrible abyss and possibly lose meaning to live on.  As Kay said in her post, they are always there.  I can think of Steve in this second and feel the tears inside.  Time does change how we learn to navigate this.  And tears are not the ultimate testament of our love.  That is inside us.  

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Really I know that no one is expected to cry every day and that is not a measure of how much love we had.

But I've found that my heart is illogical. It's not that I believe I should stay in tears forever, but rather that I find it hurts my heart not to do so.  It's scary for me to think about, as if I've accepted that he isn't coming back and given up hope of him walking back through the door.

 I'd have never made that comment anywhere but here. In my head I know its illogical to feel guilty or scared to admit that I accept that he is gone.  But that doesn't stop how I feel about it.  

I had just found this to be a safe place to be open about things that sound crazy to those who haven't been down this road. I don't really have anyone in my life that I can tell my fears and troubles to who will just commiserate without trying to "fix" it.  

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amy,

This is one of the safest places to be.  We are all here to try and ease your mind and hug away the hurts best we can.  Today is a tough day for me, and I imagine I will be checking in all day, when I am able.  This is a very tough week for me. Lay your troubles down with us; we DO understand...

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's true, our feelings ARE illogical and needn't make sense.  That's why they were never meant to be a barometer of anything!  When you're "feeling" that way, remind yourself of that, it helps to know our feelings are to be ridden out, not lead our course.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

Really I know that no one is expected to cry every day and that is not a measure of how much love we had.

But I've found that my heart is illogical. It's not that I believe I should stay in tears forever, but rather that I find it hurts my heart not to do so.  It's scary for me to think about, as if I've accepted that he isn't coming back and given up hope of him walking back through the door.

 I'd have never made that comment anywhere but here. In my head I know its illogical to feel guilty or scared to admit that I accept that he is gone.  But that doesn't stop how I feel about it.  

I had just found this to be a safe place to be open about things that sound crazy to those who haven't been down this road. I don't really have anyone in my life that I can tell my fears and troubles to who will just commiserate without trying to "fix" it.  

Sometimes I live in world where I haven't accepted it. Sometimes that's how I get through the days. It's like I just don't want to deal with that reality and that is better than having to fully face the stark truth.

I admit that here because I know everyone is dealing the pain of losing someone and we all understand that pain. I dont' want to tell that to anyone not going through this because then I get the lectures about how unhealthy it is to not want to face that truth, and I better deal with the reality and so on and so on. I DO know what is true. Obviously I know she is dead and not coming back. But I dont' need someone telling me I need to sit and meditate on that truth. That is something I wish I could erase from my mind. I don't need to sit and stare at pictures of her in her empty apartment to understand that truth. It does nothing but launch me into mind numbing sadness, despair, pain, misery, heartache, loneliness, anger, resentment, hate for the world, guilt, and uncontrollable crying. I've been there. Of course I want to avoid that.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I find myself anticipating getting sales calls.  They invariably ask to speak to Daniel.  I get the chance to say, "This is his wife, can I help you?"  I miss saying that.  I love saying that I am his wife.  For one moment, it feels like life is normal again.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How great that you can always answer that way Amy.  I get calls occasionally but I enjoy the emails best. I keep using Kathy's email address for whenever I talk to her friends and some of my family. I use it here even though I keep my own for business. If there is anything that has to do with her or grief, it goes to lilacsandladybugs. It is a connection I enjoy especially when those quilting sites she was part of send their monthly letters. It's nice to see what's going on her world. Life keeps going, quilting shows she participated in keep happening and the memories of sharing that with her warms my heart. 

Yes you feel as if life is normal for a few moments but the best part is how after enough time, you accept that they are gone yet still find yourself engaged in their lives. I may be living in lala land but I like it.

I feel quite good inside when I refer to Kathy as my wife, or myself as her husband and that is something I cannot explain to another living soul. With some of you however, I don't have to.

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, you don't have to explain to any of us.  I enjoy just seeing in big letters on my mom's roadside mailbox ELVIE HAYNES, and he has been gone since 1984. At least his name is still alive.

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can definitely relate. I loved hearing Tammy talk to someone and tell them I was her husband. It just made me feel so special and important. Just saying Tammy was my wife made me feel proud and so blessed. The bond we share with our mate is very deep and very intense. Losing that is soul crushing and devastating. That's why I take solace in those near miraculous things that have happened since Tammy's passing. It does feel like Tammy's letting me know she'll always be with me...

I can almost hear her say, "Don't cry my sweet Mitchie Pooh, I'm yours for ever and ever".

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mitch, Billy would always say that I was him and he was me, and that is all I can consider, if that is true we are still together, ,I just cannot see him.  Our daughter had minor surgery yesterday, she came out of.the anesthesia crying.  He had visited her, kissed her on the cheek and assured her everything was going to be okay.  It was, no cancer.  He was always there for them even as they are our middle age "kids."

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

At five years of marriage, Mark and I still felt like newlyweds.  We LOVED calling each other Husband and Wife.  I also loved to hear him talk about his "wife"...even in some of his postings of Facebook that I read after he died.  I think that is going to be one of the things I miss the most....being a "wife".  NOT just A wife, but Mark's wife.  I was honored to have that title, and I got upset recently when someone switched my title from Mrs. to Ms.   I am a MRS. until I leave this Earth.

  • Upvote 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of the things I cannot forgive fate or whatever is that he didn't make it to marry me. I will never be called his wife or his widow, I'm never going to be Mrs X. I don't have an engagement ring and a marriage ring, nor pictures of wedding. It exists in my mind, but it is very painful to think of what won't ever be. We should have been married by now if only....

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of the things I loved to hear too was being called Steves wife.  He'd often say to friends on the phone 'his bride' is calling him to lunch or whatever.  I will always be his wife.  I will always consider myself married to him.  Legally I have to be single or widowed.  But even as I feel, there is no getting around that in the here and now, I am alone.  

Ana, you may not have the ring and pictures, but from my journey I can say, yes they are nice and things I can hold onto.  But in my heart they weren't necessary.  The pain would be as intense without them.  To the world all I really have is his last name.  It's so sad your hopes were dashed into the rocks and destroyed.  They might have helped you or caused more pain, I don't know because I can't look at the pictures.  The ring is just there and a part of me.  It's what's inside that tears us up and I know that is not news to anyone.  I really don't think about our wedding.  I think of the times we had leading up to that and the life we lived after.  That is what you were robbed of and that is such a tragedy.  I totally understand your grief about not having those memories and my heart goes out to you.

  • Upvote 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

feel quite good inside when I refer to Kathy as my wife, or myself as her husband and that is something I cannot explain to another living soul. With some of you however, I don't have to

No, you don't..............I AM still Connor's wife.......he is still my husband.........it will always be so, I will never refer to myself as Connor's widow....I am still his wife in my heart/soul/mind.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

35 minutes ago, scba said:

One of the things I cannot forgive fate or whatever is that he didn't make it to marry me. I will never be called his wife or his widow, I'm never going to be Mrs X. I don't have an engagement ring and a marriage ring, nor pictures of wedding. It exists in my mind, but it is very painful to think of what won't ever be. We should have been married by now if only....

I can very much understand this!  I "resisted" the idea of marriage to my Connor for years......took time for me to take that leap again in life.  We were married August 24th, 2014.  Although we only got to celebrate 1 married year together.......I am SO very glad we did marry, it made our strong bond even deeper.....and gave me the title of his wife.....we both cried happy tears at our wedding.  So I can appreciate what you missed out on.....but I think, in your heart and minds, you WERE very married, just w/out the actual ceremony.

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like everyone is saying, I will always be Dale's wife.

Ana, I can understand how you think that you are missing out because you weren't married.  However, I can feel the love you have for him and him for you and that is all that matters.  Maybe to the "public" you are not a wife, but in your heart and soul you are.

Joyce

 

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

I find myself anticipating getting sales calls.  They invariably ask to speak to Daniel.  I get the chance to say, "This is his wife, can I help you?"  I miss saying that.  I love saying that I am his wife.  For one moment, it feels like life is normal again.

I dread those calls.  Remind me yet again he is gone.  Depending on my mood I will say deceased or dead.  Next thing I know they have hung up and are gone.  Some have the politeness to say sorry and will remove him from thier list.  I guess I could say this is his wife and what is this about like the old days, but that would mean having to talk to sales people....ugh.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, scba said:

One of the things I cannot forgive fate or whatever is that he didn't make it to marry me. 

I can understand how that might  impact your thinking, Ana. Getting married does sort of create an even stronger bond in many ways. But you know what? You clearly had something in your life most people never experience. You found your soul mate. Your love for him and connection to him was clearly amazing. That's what you're mourning and grieving.  That's all that matters. 

We all have those "what if's" and "if only's" but we shouldn't let those things we couldn't change consume us. 

  • Upvote 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I started my new job on April 4th.  I've really felt energized by the new challenge.  It's helped to have something positive to focus on. 

Even so, last night I showered using Daniel's soap so that I could fall asleep smelling him.

  • Upvote 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Amy,

So very glad to see you back, and with such upbeat news. Such a wonderful step in your journey. I use something every night to be close to Mark. My sister-in-law made a pillow from one of his shirts. I am due to add some more of his cologne. It helps me to be able to touch something that touched him. So good to hear your news, Amy.

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations, Amy!  I hope it is a job that proves not only challenging but enjoyable!

  • Upvote 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Amy, 

I am new to this forum as my husband recently passed suddenly 3 weeks ago. He was 32 and we were just recently married. I have read through this post and your blog and just want you to know that I appreciate your posts as I have identified with a lot of your thoughts and feelings. I'm still in a dark shadow of a place right now but reading through your progression over the past year has given me some inspiration. Although we will never get our loves back, you are carrying on his story with your writing and it's been great reading about things he did for you and how he changed you. 

  • Upvote 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

Thanks all for the kind words and encouragement.  

Things are going well professionally.  I am so blessed to have a wonder job that provides me a place to go each day and feel productive.  I am still struggling when I am not at work.  I feel very isolated and alone in this big house.  Even when I am with friends and family, I still feel "apart" from everyone else.  

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...