annew Posted April 13, 2015 Report Share Posted April 13, 2015 While I am doing well in healing my grief, there is one area where I keep feeling most stuck and it is most painful because of its stuckness. I sat here for two weeks while my husband was dying and didn't realize the shortness of breath he had was his body shutting down....makes it hard to get to "it was his time," and the peace there. Even since he passed he tells me in my heart that same thing, "it was time." I am one of those that feels so responsible for everything and most definitely for him. I feel as though I let him die and should have made him go to the doctor sooner. He was trying to get dressed to go the morning he died. If I had not been so exhausted and out of it myself he might still be here. Please help me understand that I didn't do anything wrong, please help me accept it was time and not my fault for not taking good enough care of him. I love/d him with all my heart and it still feels as though it was not good enough. Thank you for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted April 13, 2015 Report Share Posted April 13, 2015 Dear Annew, This is NOT your fault. I have always hated that term...it is his time. It isn't a lot of comfort. You did everything right, you did what you thought should be done. The morning I got up to get ready for work, and Mark was standing there in the bathroom, saying while holding his chest that "it felt different", different than the pain he had been having. My advice was to go and sit in the recliner to see if relaxing would release the pain. I felt it was more gastric pain. It wasn't until I saw his face distorted from pain that I asked HIM if I SHOULD call 911. Why did I just not do it? How was I to know THIS time was the time to call. I can't let myself think like that. I was instructed to give him chest compression until the ambulance arrived...something that is hard to do when you are hysterical and terrified. The person on the phone tried to keep me calm and had me counting out loud as I did the compressions. The snoring sound I heard was his body shutting down. When they arrived, he still had a pulse, and they worked in our house for over 40 minutes until they decided to transport him to the hospital about 3 minutes away. On the way as we followed, they stopped in the middle of the street. I believe he was already gone by the time they arrived. On my way there, I NEVER thought he would not survive. You didn't do anything wrong. I believe he would tell you to please let it go, the guilt. Sometimes there is really nothing that can be done, even weeks ahead. You did what YOU thought was doing the right thing. Nothing more, nothing less. Unburden yourself of this feeling of guilt. Just remember how much you loved him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted April 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you, hearing from those that get it, just get it, is such an incredible blessing. I am so tired of explaining myself to others.....makes me want to scream.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 14, 2015 Report Share Posted April 14, 2015 We've had many posts on this topic...there is much information here on "guilt after their death", I hope you will browse this forum for like topics. I think most of us feel this after they die, and we have to work through it. We know with our heads that we did all we knew to do and how can we do differently when we didn't know better? But our hearts keep going over and over the last hour, moment by moment, and think what if we'd made them get help sooner (even though we didn't know what was going on). I know there's posts about this in Mitch's thread, you might want to read it. You AREN'T responsible for his death, none of us are responsible for their deaths, we'd have done anything for them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted April 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2015 Thank you, Kay. A really wonderful article came and I shared it with some friends who really are a pain, so that felt really good. And then under that came not just the guilt but then the layer of feeling I failed us both.....and that is more the rock bottom of self blame. I need to accept defeat, that I did not save us....that I could not. I just didn't have that power. It was not going to happen and I didn't get what I wanted. And there seems to be some surrender in that for me, just some. I will take it. I just can't change it.....I lost the battle. It is a miracle I still feel him here sometimes. Even deeper, is the need to love myself more in all this. I have to love the part of me that feels defeated and completely and totally with no conditions. Much love and many blessings to us all, always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted April 14, 2015 Report Share Posted April 14, 2015 Dear Annew, Before he died, Mark struggled with the same kind of thing. There were a couple instances in his life where he tried to help save someone. Mark was a boy scout and was always ready to jump in and help. One time was before I met him. He was driving with a friend and came upon an accident scene and jump to help. He said he knew that the young boy was probably already gone, but he was going to at least try. Another time was here at work when a man collapsed. Mark saw our fitness director take off with a defibrillator and he followed. He went and helped do CPR until the ambulance came. In both cases, the person did not make it and he felt guilt for a VERY longtime. He would constantly beat himself up about it. I would do my best to try and help him let go of that. It wasn't until the Sunday before he died, and he had an epiphany about it. I finally saw a peace come over his face. Don't let these feelings of guilt and blame weigh you down. As I tried to tell Mark, even when you pray to God, sometimes the answer is NO. Your husband wouldn't want you to carry ANY burden, Annew. You were his biggest advocate, his partner. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. Be kind to YOU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted April 14, 2015 Report Share Posted April 14, 2015 I don't want to add my story (it's three years old and it's here already) but I did want to say how everyone of us here knows the pain of "did I do everything I could?" And no I did not. And hindsight will tell us we could have behaved differently but we didn't have hind sight. We just loved our beloved ones, did everything we could have when we were living through it and I believe that they understand that somehow. I have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dew's Girl Posted April 15, 2015 Report Share Posted April 15, 2015 It was definitely not your fault. I am sure you would do anything to help him. I think it is normal to have those feelings. I know that I would have cut off my right hand to save my Daniel. But that doesn't stop my mind from racing through lists of things I could have done differently. I was so panicked that it took to the third try for me to dial 911 correctly. I mean, it is just three numbers and two of them are the same. I just wrote a post on my blog about this very topic. . But my biggest guilt is that I haven't died of a broken heart. I thought that Daniel and I were so close that I couldn't possibly live without him. Three months later and I still wake up every morning. Of course, I know that is what he would want and I would never hurt those I love by deliberately harming myself. But I still feel guilty that my heart is still beating. -Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 15, 2015 Report Share Posted April 15, 2015 Jan, I think you sum it up best when you said, "but we didn't have hindsight." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 15, 2015 Report Share Posted April 15, 2015 Amy, our bodies are amazingly more resilient than we could ever realize, and it is that reason and that reason only that you have not died of a broken heart, nor any of us either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted April 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2015 Well it's getting clearer to me now that all the guilt is just my mind trying to distract me from the pain....and there is no way through it but through it. Surrender is hard for me, letting go and letting myself just feel it is daunting. I am a born fighter and I don't want to feel it all anymore. Hard to accept that there is no other way but through all this pain. I understand I will never be the same and that nothing ever will be. Thank god life is really only one day at a time.....and apparently I need more love and compassion for me just to walk through all these feelings........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted April 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2015 Thank you all so very much for your kind support and listening. There are no words for how valuable your understanding is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 15, 2015 Report Share Posted April 15, 2015 I read a sentence yesterday that strikes me in this thread: Some day in the future when your guilt turns into regret you will feel better. Regrets are commonplace and our heart understands them better than guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 16, 2015 Report Share Posted April 16, 2015 Annew, It's true, there's no way through it but straight through it. We have to experience the pain to get through it. I've learned you can't circumvent it, it's still there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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