About Us

[TRD]

I'm new to this forum. And I hope that it will help me to find understanding and comfort.

My husband, my best friend, my rock made his transition on December 1, 2014 after a short but wicked battle with cancer.

We met in 2001, We had each spent decades in marriages that were difficult at the best of times. But I’m not sure either of us was looking for anything permanent. I think we were both just a bit lonely. … And so we each joined Match.com. Yep, we did! If you think about it, how else would the Theatrical Costume Designer and the Computer Technician meet??

March 31, 2001 we met for the first time at a small coffee shop. He had a dozen roses, a warm smile and a twinkle in his eyes. And I was smitten!! I had a smile he said lights up a room. And he knew! .... And so, Brian, the boy from the small Midwestern Town, and Teri, the girl from NYC, were married on June 1, 2002. He has been my hero, and I was his wings. He's a solid rock and I see fairies. I dragged him down roads he would never have thought to travel. And he helped me find the courage to be me.

I AM his mischievous 5 year old; he IS my knight in shining armor. We were, on the face of it, so very, very different. But all the parts and pieces fit together perfectly. We filled the last 14 years with an amazing amount of laughter, adventure and unconditional love. And finally, together, we faced this demon called cancer.

NOW, I get up every morning and there’s no one there to say “Good Morning” to. There’s no one there to kiss good-bye or to say, “Have a great day” to. There are no more random texts during the day, to or from them that say, “Just remember I love you”. There are no more random phone calls, to or from, that say, “Just needed to hear your voice.”

Brian would come home for lunch and since I work a split shift, I would be downstairs in the studio when the click of his boots on the floor upstairs would signal his arrival. That sound doesn’t exist in my world anymore. … He would get home before me most nights and be waiting with a warm hug and a kiss. The house is always empty now. … When I’ve had a bad day, there’s no one there to kiss my forehead and tell me a stupid joke. … When I’ve had a good day there’s no one there to do a happy dance with. …. There’s no one there who needs to share how their day went with me. …

During dinner we would sit at the table and talk about our day, we’d laugh or gripe. Now, there’s just silence. … After dinner there would be all sorts of things we did together: a long walk; a trip to the ballpark, sitting in the backyard with a drink, maybe a ballgame on the iPad, a motorcycle ride for some ice cream. Now, there’s just me. … No hand to hold on that walk. No one to tease me as I keep score with multicolored pens. No glass to clink with mine and to toast our usual toast – “You & Me babe – Us, all the way”. No motorcycle to ride behind.

At bedtime, there’s no flesh & blood hand to hold as I crawl into bed. … There’s no more late night tickle fights. … There are no more warm feet to snuggle my cold ones. … There’s no actual voice that says “ I love you, baby”. … There’s no one there for me to hide under when the thunder rumbles the house in the middle of the night. … There’s just silence and a big bed that’s half empty.

We planned some sort of vacation adventure together every year. Now, there’s just me.

Now, the “touch deficit” has started and continues to pile up. … No more holding hands. … No more casual rub across your back as he passes by. … No more leaning into his shoulder as you wait in line at the grocery store. … No more swats on your butt. … No more snuggling up behind him and wrapping your arms around him as he tries to wash his hands. … No more snuggles on the couch as you watch a movie.. No more hand on your leg as he drives down the road. … No more hugs. … No more kisses. … No more love making.

Yes, I know that we were blessed to have found each other. Lots of people never get to experience this kind of love. … So just imagine the breadth and depth of the loss.

Yes, I know that he is with me always. And it’s that that keeps me sane. … But have you ever tried to hug a ghost?

Thanks for listening.

[kayc]

Teri,

I am sorry you lost your knight in shining armor. Your story sounds a lot like mine, we met after a lifetime of bad marriages, we clicked from the beginning, we had great communication and we always understood each other. We were each other's everything.

I'm sorry we didn't get more time with them. I have learned it's the quality, not the length of time though, for some are married 50 years and never had what we did.

You have found a very caring site, people who get it. It's a safe place to express yourself and I hope you'll continue to come here and post.

[mittam99]

Teri, welcome to the site. You've definitely found a caring place to share your thoughts while you grieve the loss of your beloved Brian.

I also met my soulmate online ... my wife Tammy.. We met in 1999, she was from a very small town in Illinois (population 200) and I was a guy from the suburbs of Baltimore, Maryland. And she was my everything. She passed away suddenly on March 6, 2015 from complications of a 24 year battle with systemic lupus.

The people at this forum have definitely helped me through some tough days. We need all the support we can get in this journey.

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to touch our loved ones or be touched. Tammy had the softest skin ever... like "butta" as I used to say. And our hugs and kisses we magic. At night in bed, If my legs were warm and needed cooling, hers were cool. If her feet were cold, mine were warm. We were perfect for each other. Now all I can do is hold her pillow and hope some of her scent is still there. The sadness can be overwhelming. I actually feel dehydrated every day from crying.

Our lives are now completely different in every single way. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. I think it's safe to say all of us posting here are mourning the greatest love of our lives.

Post here as often as you like, I think you'll find it really helps.

Mitch

[Froggie4635]

Dear Teri,

You and I lost our rocks within days of each other. Mark died on December 4, 2014 from a heart attack. Suddenly, he was gone.

I know just exactly what you speak of. The absence and the silence are heavy. Just like you, I lost my best friend, the person whom I did everything with and everything for. We met in 2006, were married in 2009, and now he is gone in 2014.

I am glad you found your way to this forum, but I am sorry you needed to. It is very helpful, and a great place to express whatever it is you are experiencing.

[TRD]

Really can't tell you all just how much this has helped already. Being able to express my feelings of grief and loss here has already been a help. It seems that many of my "friends" seem to have decided that I should be beyond this deep grief by now. Thank you all for understanding.

[mittam99]

Don't listen to those "fools" who tell you that you should be over this by a certain date. I can tell you without question, they are clueless. There is no timetable for what's in your heart.

[kayc]

I'm sorry your "friends" don't have a clue what this is like. It always helped me to keep in mind that I really wouldn't wish it on them to know because that'd mean they'd have to go through it too. We learn to cope with this in time, but it's not like it's ever "over" or we ever move past it, we just learn to live with it. It's the hardest thing we've ever been called upon to do. It does help to be able to express yourself. Feel free to come here any time and vent, it's needed!

[Smudgie]

Teri,

your love story really touched my heart it was so much like my own only totally different, if that makes any sense.

I also know that you do not get over a love like this, you only learn to live with the loss (if you are lucky) so do not listen to those who have not experienced this.

peace hope and love

Simon

[feralfae]

Dear Teri,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your wonderful husband Brian. You two sound as though you had truly loving and delightful times together.

Your story is beautifully told and I imagine resonates with many of us. Finding our soulmates, and then losing them, is a loss I don't think we ever get over. We learn to adjust and to make a life for ourselves, but big pieces who I am will be missing.

I lost Doug three years ago, and I still yearn for him every day, wish he were here to guide and protect me, and to hold my hand as we fall asleep. I am glad we had so many wonderful years, but we had another 30 or more years planned, and now I must find a way to give meaning and substance to those years without Doug here to share the days and nights with me.

I am glad you found this site, but so very sorry for the loss that brought you here. I think you will find this a place of compassion, support, and sharing that will help you as you make this grief journey.

Peace to your heart.

feralfae

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Teri

I'm in England.. My beloved Pete died three years ago. Just coming up to the anniversary on 4th May. I have found this site a life saver. Everyone here knows what it is like to lose the love of their life. As you write so eloquently the losses pile up and up and those who haven't experienced it just don't get it. And they expect us to get over it. We don't, we learn to live with it. But you has those happy years and I hope they will give you strength. Keep writing here. Jan

[TRD]

Can't thank you all enough for understanding, even though I'm really so sorry for the reasons that you all do.

Your words of encouragement are wonderful.

And to know that what I'm feeling isn't just me wallowing in my grief is really helpful.

Yesterday was a hard day even though I kept busy all day. But I still managed to fall ALL the way down the rabbit hole,(what I call full blown melt downs) TWICE!! Had tea with the mad hatter and close encounters with the Queen of Hearts!!! No real triggers. Seriously, Sometimes the holes just open up under my feet. Ugh!! Somewhat better today, but totally wiped out.

Thanks again all for listening.

[kayc]

I never thought of this grief journey in conjunction with Alice in Wonderland but that seems an apt description of what we go through! I hope today is better for you.

[TRD]

I never thought of this grief journey in conjunction with Alice in Wonderland but that seems an apt description of what we go through! I hope today is better for you.

It does seem to work pretty well for what we go through doesn't it? And I find that those "outside" seem to understand a bit better when I use that type of description.

And yes thanks so much, yesterday and today have been much better days.

Hugs.

[kayc]

I hope you will keep coming here and read other's threads, it'll help you to know you are not alone and that everything you are experiencing and feeling is normal given the circumstances.

[Guppy2006]

Sorry for your loss Teri, I am also new to this forum and was never one to spend time on the computer except to check my e-mails. My Husband passed away on April 17th, 2015 and I still cannot work or take care of my grandkids (who we were raising together) or simply go into the community. Everything reminds me of him and I feel everyone that was there to support me during the services have moved on...they don't call anymore or stop by just to visit. My husband and I were married in 2004 and right before he died were making plans for the upcoming summer. I liked your comparing it to the Alice in wonderland because it does still feel like a dream and EVERYTHING is not as it should be. My work reguires me to provide therapy to Children who deal with behavioral issues and their families. I have been unablle to return because just the thoought of helping them with their issues seems too much to bear when I am in need of my own therapy. And I am so afraid of going back to work because then I feel I'm expected to "snap out of it". I have always considered myself a strong person, but realize now that he was the rock who made me strong. I don't want to be around peole but I also don't want to be alone. Make any sense? My youngest daughter is watching the children for me until I feel I can care for them without melting down every few minutes. I feel guilt because they are also grieving and worry about my job but on the other hand I don't care about anything. Again, make any sense? last night I made a llist of goals to work on which included several basic things such as going to get blood work, going to the grocery store and getting my hair done. Things that I thought would be easy to start with. However, I got to the hosital for my blood work and instantly had a melt down because that was where my husband was taken before he died and I remembered the numerous trips we made to see the doctors and his surgeries. Needless to say, did not get any of my goals completed but will try again tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next. My Mom told me to go to a grief support group in the hospital but becase it is so difficult to be around others, I came to these forums instead. I can write and cry at the same time and reading the stories of courage and endurance will surely help along this desolate path of self destruction. I can feel your pain with every word you wrote and I'm sorry that you also have to go through this horrible readjustment in life. I hope we both find the strength to see the brightness in the world again. Bless you!

[kayc]

Usually one doesn't go to the grief support groups until a little further in their journey, but Marty has some information on how to select one, what to consider.

Trying the next day and the next and the next is about all one can do. (((hugs)))

Edited April 30, 2015 by MartyT
Link inserted

[mrundell]

Terri...

Your story was touching. I too had a one in a life time love. My husband passed on April 15, 2015 after 4 years fighting congestive heart failure. We were married 28 years. I lost my best friend... my other half. I miss him so much. But being here on this site has helped. Just knowing I'm not alone and that there are others out there that understand this pain and the feeling of being lost and scared. Knowing there are people who understand is priceless. Thank you for sharing.

Micki

[Dew's Girl]

Teri,

I know that you are missing Brian like crazy. I have found that it helps to talk with others going through the same thing. I hope this site brings you some peace.

Amy