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Mothers Day For Animal Moms


Maylissa

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I know this post may sound minimal compared to the gut-wrenching grief of fresh loss that so many of you are presently going through, but with Mothers Day right around the corner, I just had to write about the oh-so-familiar panic from the past that is once again gripping my heart. Naturally, all online articles on grief during Mothers Day are focused on human mother loss or human child loss, so one daren't comment, lest we get blasted for DARING to feel the same about our socially-disenfranchised, 'Pet' Parental grief.

I haven't even had the time nor energy yet to detail my most recent losses here (that are now already 9 months long), and I won't provide all that background for the sake of this post, except to say it is what's now termed "ambiguous" loss, meaning there's no sense of "finality" to it, and deals with 2 cats of our former neighbours, who I'd come to love and care-give as if they'd been my own, for 5 years, then lost to a totally unexpected move across town. And I've not been asked or allowed to see them since one brief visit 2 weeks after that move.

The start of this Spring has been hard enough for me already...the worst Spring I've experienced since losing my fur-daughter over 8 years ago. She had always kept me in cats, one way or another, since her own transition, and so this is the first time I've had NONE to get me through any of the many other losses I've had to endure, including other terrible traumas (other forms of different types of loss) I've been through at the same time. These 2 cats were my last 2 saviours, and I've been a mess ever since they were taken away from me. I cannot even bear going into my yard now...the yard that had been their haven (and others') for 5 years. Spring yard clean-up, etc. awaits, and I cannot even start anything without ending up standing there sobbing or feeling desolate, wandering around aimlessly, and just feeling sick over the emptiness, with no furries to love, talk to, play with, hang out with, cater to.....

And now it's almost Mothers Day, too. What's really significant about it is that it was because of these 2 cats, and the other ones (all now gone, one tragic way or another) who have graced my life since losing my own two babies, that I was able to gradually get through any Mothers Days at all, and could finally feel less sorrow...or at least have some furry comfort in my sorrow. And more than that, too, the one fur-girl (they were rescued/adopted cats, non-blood-related, step sister and brother) who absolutely INSISTED(!!!) from Day One that I come to love her as my own, had taken up the SAME Mothers Day ritual that my own furkids had always done for me....that is, gracing me with some sort of present each and every Mothers Day. And more....this fur-girl had ALSO learned the same thing I'd asked my own girl to do for me, regarding certain types of these presents:

Since I love all creatures, when my fur-daughter, Nissa, was very young, I asked her to please try not to injure or kill any other critters unless she made it "quick" and also intended on at least eating them, so she wasn't taking a life for no good reason. And that's exactly what she did from thereon in. (I never asked this of my boy, since he never tortured anyone he caught after he'd made that mistake once in his life, and never caught anyone if he didn't intend on eating them) So I later came to request the same from this other little love of mine, and from that moment on, SHE TOO complied! Any birdie she later brought into our house was still alive and unmolested, and she allowed me to re-capture them and set them free to fly back outside again (even though my swift release of her gift still upset her a bit). That of course only made me love her all the MORE, for the love and respect she was showing me, in addition to helping me RELIVE one of the most treasured memories I have about my me and my beloved Nissakins.

But now.....now my Mothers Day will be devoid of ANY of these cherished blessings. Instead, it will be filled with dread, despair, tears, anger, hopelessness, etc....all those 'lovely' feelings of loss and grief, and with no one left here to help me take the edge off. The fact that this has been an Ambiguous and Disenfranchised loss to begin with will only make it worse, since there will also be no one (no, not even my husband) I can cry to or with, or talk to, or lean upon. If I'm lucky, to distract me (because I've mentioned it several times already), we'll be going for High Tea (a past favourite treat for me, yet I've lost interest in virtually every former "feel-good" activity now), but I just KNOW I'm going to bust into tears at some point, over the whole idea that I'm now in NO way, shape or form, a MOTHER to anyone anymore.

Thanks so much for listening. :closedeyes: Oh, but please don't suggest I go out and adopt cats of my own. I have many valid reasons why this isn't a good idea right now, or possibly ever again...but that's one of the other reasons my pain is so deep and vast.

Anyone else feeling the same kind of sting over Mothers Day?

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Maylissa,

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. These animals make such a big impact in our lives and when they leave, it just creates a vacuum that can't be filled. It's such a shame that your neighbor chooses to ignore your feelings after you did so much for her cats. But apparently, she feels that there is nothing more to owning an animal than feeding it, so probably does not understand your feelings at all. And now the daughter wants a dog, when it doesn't sound like anyone even pays attention to the cats. Hopefully, that will never happen.

As for Mothers Day, I know that trying to stay busy when you don't feel like doing a thing is very, very difficult. That's what I've been doing here for days. I can relate to the yardwork, etc. and no desire to do anything. I wish I had an answer or suggestion. Would visiting a local shelter be out of the question? Maybe an hour spent with a kitty or two would brighten their day as well as yours.

Hope you are able to find some peace with all of this. It's hard.

Mary

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Thanks for that, Mary. I haven't felt like doing anything for months now, yet have pushed myself, at least somewhat. That's worked for me at times before, but not now. Everything I look at, inside OR out, is just a painful reminder of who's missing there, and all we used to do together in ever-increasing frequency through all of those 5 years. At the end (and when we kept the kitts for their last month here, so had them AAAAALLLLL to ourselves, w/o the neighbours' daily nonsense/neglect to deal with), we got even closer of course, and got to do even more fun stuff together, and whenever WE wanted....so they really felt like "mine and mine alone." This is all such a slap in the face to everything I've done, and all I'd stood for and became, that I don't even know what my purpose in being here is anymore.

Like you'd said in your own thread, I just want to scream, too, even if for slightly different reasons. But they still have to do with losing animals, those dear ones I'd so painstakingly come to love, in tentative increments over the years. Nissa always sent me cats in increasing need of assistance, involvement and care, so keenly watching and pushing me "just a little bit further" each time to re-open my heart, as well as open to receive more fully again. (she knows her dear ol Mom so intimately well) But then, it's as if Source viewed all my hard-won progress and said, "Ok, good. You've made so many strides and come so far, and now.....WHAM! You're going to lose all that, TOO, hahahahaha!!!!" I could not be more shocked at what's happened, having thought that "finally, Shannie HAS INDEED succeeded in making me love her, the little Queen of All, just as she'd wanted all along, and I've had to get more and more involved in treating her for conditions I'm familiar with but that would have paralyzed me with fear too soon after losing my own girl, so the timing's been just purrfect, too...so now surely we'll NEVER be parted! Surely, somehow, some way, she'll end up mine for GOOD, whether or not her step-bro does." And then, in that last month, even HE (Carly) and I became so close, it was like a miracle! They hated how they were ripped away from me so brusquely that last day, as did I, but the nasty people of the world seem to hold all the power. In any case, I canNOT find any "meaning" in why all this happened as it did, not for myself, and not for them. And I'm more than tired of all these harsh and heart-breaking experiences anyway.

And now?....all this time has passed, and they've still not been handed back to me. So nothing I've done has made any lasting difference of good to anybody. I've not only lost my role as a mother, or part-time mother, but can't even be happy that the other huge trauma is more or less over, since the ending of that was supposed to be shared with my darlings, Shannie and Carly, too. I'd promised them that. And now I've been made to look like a liar...even though they know what's happened wasn't my doing. But their hearts are broken, too....and surprisingly, especially Carly's!! That cuts me like a knife, knowing the additional love and care he got from me in that last month has only added to his present-day pain, whereas I'd first thought mainly only Shannie would be that hurt, and that was bad enough!!! I've somehow failed all of us, and I'm afraid Mothers Day is just going to dig that knife even deeper into this wound.

As for visiting other shelter cats, normally a good suggestion, but I just can't seem to make myself, as I always want to get them ALL out of there. And since none of the shelter founders have ever appreciated (or even accepted in some cases!) the pro bono healing work I've offered up, that's another insult I just can't handle right now. Plus, all the shelters around here really only want people to do physical labour, not to just "spend time with" their cats. So I don't need them griping about me behind my back, either, since "work" is the LAST thing I need any more of! Most of them also have to desensitize themselves to a certain degree in order to keep rescuing animals, so often end up not soft-hearted anymore, but quite judgemental of those who are sensitive and grieving, since they never have time to grieve. I don't want to put myself in the position of having to defend my grief even there, nor to be forced to listen to all the in-fighting stories amongst them all. Rock and a hard place. If I only knew of someone around here who'd actually want to let me be with their own cat/s for awhile every now and then, that would be great, but I don't.

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Maylissa, I am so sorry you are down. You've been here for all of us as we've lost our pets, I somehow thought you'd have a house full. I'm so sorry you lost the neighbor's cats that you dearly loved. I understand how that is, I've gotten very attached to some horses down the street, whose owners don't pay any attention to them, and now they're selling the property and I'm worried about where the horses will end up. They look forward to me and my dog visiting and giving them attention, I'm afraid they'll miss us.

Alas, it isn't that unlike having our children...and when they grow up and leave home we miss them terribly, although we can't help but worry about them now and then.

Mother's Day doesn't hold allure for me as I rarely hear from my kids and this will be my first Mother's Day without my mom. I'm very thankful for my dog and cats at least they love me!

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Maylissa, my dear, my heart just hurts for you. I know you have your own reasons for not bringing another kitty into your home and into your life right now, and I know that I must honor that choice ~ but I cannot help but wish for you a kitty of your very own to have and to hold and to love ~ not one that belongs to someone else over whom you have no control at all. And I cannot help but think of all the precious feline children out there who would give anything to have and be loved by a mother like you. ♥

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Maylissa,

I can only agree what Marty stated so well. Maybe you would consider fostering a kitty? I know you must have your reasons for not bringing another cat into your home, and I truly respect that. Only you know what is best for you. But I do agree with Marty - it would be a very lucky kitty to be the one to receive the love and care from you, and we all know that, unfortunately, there are so many waiting.

But again, this would be a decision only you could make. I totally understand if you don't feel it is the right thing for you to do.

Mary

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Sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to my own thread here....just too much to get done. I also now don't know how "MulitQuotes" are working, and don't have time to check, so have just lumped everything into the one!

...somehow thought you'd have a house full.

Yes, everyone always does, and you'd think.... But in one way I DID. It was still enough of a handful looking after each of the 8 or so neighbourhood cats who were being neglected around here over the past few years, each coming to me for help. Almost all of them knew each other, too, since our yard was the favourite local hang-out for them. So they kept me hopping, and in good company of course. And if I had had any of my own, they might never have allowed any other cats IN, so it was maybe just as well. All but 1 of these other cats would also come inside our house for catnip, or some snacks (depending on who it was), loving, playtime with me AND each other, snoozes, since after a time, I'd taken to re-using the portable cat door I'd constructed for our own kidlets. We all had so much fun together, my heart's totally broken now. There ended up being so many tragic endings that between those and the home renovation from hell we got stuck in for years (still not 100% complete), I just never had enough time or energy left to recount them all here. But I loved them all. And never did I imagine I wouldn't be able to at least come back with one happier story someday...

...I've gotten very attached to some horses down the street, whose owners don't pay any attention to them, and now they're selling the property and I'm worried about where the horses will end up. They look forward to me and my dog visiting and giving them attention, I'm afraid they'll miss us.

Oh, DEAR!!! I'd be afraid, too, knowing what often happens to horses that aren't cared for. And I LOVE horses....so much like cats! (why cats & horses often hang out together, too :)) Maybe you can at least let them know how you've felt about them, give them a heads-up about their imminent move (in case they've not heard about it already), and let them know you'll always remember and think of them and wish them well...and whatever else of comfort you might like to tell the poor guys. Or ask the people directly what their plans are for them, and if it's not a good scenario, reach out to horse rescue groups who might be of help to them?

Alas, it isn't that unlike having our children...and when they grow up and leave home we miss them terribly, although we can't help but worry about them now and then.

Yah, sigh...but I worry about my dear Shannie and Carly daily, knowing what I know about their situation, these awful people, and what I found out through another ACer who's helped me. What's really stressful, too, is that it's not like they're already in spirit, where I'd at least KNOW they were safe and happier again. This ambiguous loss thing is horrible! Frankly, I wish I could steal them back (as many had suggested to me before they moved), but last I'd checked (through myself and more than 1 other ACer, where we all got the same info from the cats), their Higher Selves had chosen to go with their people, so I just couldn't dishonour their own souls' wishes.

Mother's Day doesn't hold allure for me as I rarely hear from my kids and this will be my first Mother's Day without my mom. I'm very thankful for my dog and cats at least they love me!

Oh my....that's not good, either way! I'm so sorry, Kay. I remember how tough my own 1st Mother's Day was without my Mom. I took a picture of her to a M's Day brunch, and toasted her....all while trying unsuccessfully to hold back the tears in a public venue!...not that I really cared what others thought. But yes, at least you have your furkids around, and can create your own rituals or fun for the bunch of you. I was often happy enough to have that, and to heck with the rest of the world.

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Maylissa, my dear, my heart just hurts for you. I know you have your own reasons for not bringing another kitty into your home and into your life right now, and I know that I must honor that choice ~ but I cannot help but wish for you a kitty of your very own to have and to hold and to love ~ not one that belongs to someone else over whom you have no control at all. And I cannot help but think of all the precious feline children out there who would give anything to have and be loved by a mother like you. ♥

Thank you for your empathy, Marty :closedeyes: and of course in one way, I certainly wish the same kind of thing for myself, too! When I read what you'd said, naturally, I burst into tears, knowing that's what I 'should' be doing, for myself, for some in-need cats out there.... And it's exactly what my H has said before, too -- having someone else, instead of those "over whom I have no control at all." That was a common refrain and complaint for both of us while I was choosing to help these and all the other cats, to be sure. But I'm quite the train wreck after all these years of having not just my own heart broken time after time, but also those of all these cats I'd come to love and not be able to save from harm or death. More than that, though, it's the hard practicalities that are reigning supreme right now.

I knew I'd explain things more fully at some point, so I'll just do it here and now.

I'd thought I'd posted one of Teresa's (Wagner) classes here, but I guess I never did. In any case, I had taken one by her not long ago, called "Animals Grieve, Too," and was one of THE best animal-focused classes I've ever taken (how I ADORE Teresa, as you know!), even though much about its content broke my heart even more while I was already grieving terribly. While I had already deeply considered the bulk of vital considerations for animals that she imparted during that course, it ended up really cementing the conclusions I had previously come to on my own. In essence, I don't have ANYBODY right now to whom I could or would entrust my animals' future care should anything ever happen to me &/or my H. And no, even my H is not "good enough" for that if only I should die or become incapacitated. (apparently, this is quite a common concern from animal moms!)

That's really one of the biggest bottom lines for me. I always said that I'd rather be the one left behind to grieve, than have any of my own furchildren go through that pain without me to support them, or to be left bereft of the lifestyle they were accustomed to because I was their mother. As with so many situations for defenseless animals, absolute horror stories abound if proper provisions aren't made by their guardians, and I'm cognizant of far too many of them to ever naively rest easy. I just cannot allow that kind of thing to happen if I can help it at all.

Also, since I'm still trying to maintain at least a sliver of hope that I might still be asked one day to either sit for my dear Shannie & Carly, or that they may end up being handed over to us after all (or go missing and then be able to be formally adopted by us instead), if I already had other cats, that may not work out and I'd have to decline sitting for them, or maybe even adopting them! I can't even imagine!!! Neither of these scenarios solves the problem of not having any back-up person in line, but I feel such an absolute duty to these two now, that I'd make myself scramble faster to find a solution if I had to. But for now I have to play a waiting game and see what, if anything, may change over time. And as much as I hate it, my own Nissa had said (to one ACer I'd used to verify some things) that there would BE no more cats for me....at least for the time being. I'll be delving more into that soon I hope, but it's looking like for now, I just have to live with things as they are, if I can.

It IS just killing me inside, though, as if I can't breathe and have been holding my breath for all these long months, still always checking the doors and windows for any sign of them, still hating coming back to a house where no one's eagerly waiting for my arrival, not having someone who loved to follow me around and greet everyone at the door, and all those precious charms. Shannie became that one for me in short order. And just as it is for those we do legally "own," it's her, and her so dearly sensitive brother, who I want back, not someone I didn't spend 5 years in an ever-growing relationship with. :(

So thank you for such a wonderful and heartwarming compliment, Marty :wub: , but someone new is just not currently a good idea, and may never be if I don't ever find anyone who would fit the bill as a suitable "beneficiary." My heart hurts for me, too.

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I can only agree what Marty stated so well. Maybe you would consider fostering a kitty? I know you must have your reasons for not bringing another cat into your home, and I truly respect that. Only you know what is best for you. But I do agree with Marty - it would be a very lucky kitty to be the one to receive the love and care from you, and we all know that, unfortunately, there are so many waiting.

But again, this would be a decision only you could make. I totally understand if you don't feel it is the right thing for you to do.

Mary

Yes, Mary, I've also thought about fostering, but I'd still be facing the same dilemma (as stated above) if I should ever be asked to sit for Shannie & Carly again. That could mean a recipe for disaster, as they wouldn't already know any "strange" cats and would totally freak out over having "their" old territory (our house) invaded by others, meaning I'd have to turn down the opportunity to see and be with my darlings again, even if only temporarily. I'd feel like a total traitor, and then would worry myself SICK over who would be sitting for them if not me! (due to all the dreadful, previous sitters these people had used) I know it's also not really right to put my own life "on hold" because of a "what if" possibility, but I can't convince myself otherwise as yet. Again, another problem with an "ambiguous" loss, vs. an outright loss through death.

There are also some issues with fostering through rescues (especially around here, but not limited to here either), as they all really do hope you'll just keep them forever, since cats aren't anywhere near as readily adopted as dogs. Understandable of course, but still an issue, considering my other problem. So there's not much real difference in fostering vs. straight-up adoption, if there aren't enough people willing to adopt fosters. (most rescues here have dozens or even hundreds of cats waiting at all times) Also, it would really just put me right back in the same position again if anyone did want to adopt them later on. I'd still have a relationship torn apart and be forced to say goodbye to someone I'd come to love "as if" they'd been my own. I really don't think my heart could stand it. So it's flat-out adoption or nothing, really.

But thank you, TOO, for such a lovely compliment of my "momhood." I do feel like a real jerk and loser for feeling this way, and I wish I could somehow fool myself into not knowing what I do, but it is how it is, I guess.

As to Mother's Day plans, that day's High Tea is already all sold out, so if I want it at all, we'll have to go the day before instead, leaving the actual Mom's Day devoid of any distraction for me....so back to the drawing board for now.

_______________________________________________________________________

And to everybody here, I SO appreciate all your time and attention to my own pain, I truly do. I had had to let go of a few unhealthy friendships over the last while, and was dumped in others, making all this (and other personal issues) that much more traumatizing. So you've all helped me feel less alone in this harsh world, and I send xox's to you all for being there for me.

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Maylissa,

I totally understand everything you are saying. I sometimes worry too about what would happen to my dogs if something happened to me. I know my husband would try, but I worry that he would forget to give Molly her medicine or not notice when someone needed to go out and then have to deal with messes here and there that eventually would overwhelm him. Sorry to say, but I think some men just aren't good caretakers. Now, if I'm sick, he is with me, but with the dogs, he seems to need to be told what to do. Sometimes, he remembers Molly needs her medicine and other times not. Maybe it's because he knows I will do it, I don't know.

Since 3 of our 4 dogs are from rescue groups, he could give the dogs back to them. I know that Molly's foster mom would take her back as she was crazy about Molly, and I know Molly would get good care there. I don't think he could give her up, though, but with CHF you just can't remember meds one time and then forget them the next.

I do worry about my one setter, as he came from a shelter (and as shelters go, one of the better ones). He has a frew quirks that some may not tolerate and I worry what would happen to him. He's only 5 years old so could be around a long time.

After losing Allie, I seriously considered asking the rescue group where I got Sandy (our other setter) from to find another home for her. I actually contacted them and told them I was considering it. I told them if I decided, I would keep her her until they found another home and actually as somewhat being in the position of being her foster, I would be the one to decide where she went. I just feel like my heart is not into this after losing Allie so suddenly and in such a horrible way. I know time may change that, but I just feel that it will never be the same.

Didn't mean to sidetrack things here. Just making my point that maybe as we get older, we start to worry about things that we would never even have considered years ago. And as for friends understanding - that doesn't happen much here either. Most think we are crazy for adopting these dogs anyway and for spending the amount of money we have for their care (not that they really have any idea of what we have spent). They are more into having a dog as long as it's not too inconvenient or expensive for them. They don't seem to have the "save the world" attitude that I feel about animals. Not judging them, it's just not their way.

A friend who used to groom my dogs (one of the few who understands) once said it is a curse we have - caring so much for our animals that we grieve so when they are gone, and I think she is right.

Mary

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Just wanted to add one other thing that I have never mentioned to anyone. After we lost Lucy in February, I started looking for some type of memorial to put together for her. I never followed thru because I guess I was just too heartbroken to do anything. But one of the things I came across was a website about different flowers representing different things. For Lucy's personality, it was violets. I can't seem to find the website again (bookmarked it somewhere), so I don't know why that was the one, but it was.

Last Mothers Day, I was so upset - we had lost Lucy unexpectedly a few months prior, my one son lives out of state and would not be home, and the other son, who lives a few hours away, hadn't gotten home yet. It was early in the morning, and I decided to just walk around the backyard. As I walked along our privacy fence, I happened to look down and there in the corner by one of the fenceposts was one lone violet. Years and years ago, my neighbor had planted violets and I thought they were still there, but none had ever grown under the fence. I felt like it was a sign from Lucy.

On the Sunday that Allie died, when we came home from the ER, I wanted to be outside. The sun was shining and the weather was so nice - a somewhat rare occasion here and certainly not fitting with the events of day. I walked out into the yard, and looked down and there were all of these violets scattered here and there in the yard. Now, they may have been there before and I just didn't notice (and that is probably the case), but they just seemed to jump out at me. Since that day, I've noticed that they have spread almost across our whole backyard.

Yesterday, I was outside walking around again. I have some hydrangeas planted on the other side of the yard - about 100 ft away - from where I saw that violet last year. There was a lone violet of another variety (a lighter color, mixed white white, as opposed to the solid, dark violets in the yard). It was so strange to see it there. Maybe a sign from Allie? I would like to think so, but have to admit that I really struggly with those kinds of things.

Anyway, Maylissa, I hope on this Mothers Day there is some comfort in some way for you. I am not really looking forward to the day either as neither son will be in town and, of course, it will not be the same without my two girls.

Mary

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Oh Mary, I love the story of the violets, and if I were you, I'd have no doubt that the lone violet of another variety is a sign from Allie! Besides, if wanting to believe that brings you comfort, who is to say you're wrong?

I understand and appreciate your struggle with "those kinds of things," but if you wish to explore the subject further, this post may be a good place to start: After-Death Communication: A List of Resources. See also the links on this page of my website: Animal Communicators ♥

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Mary,

I love the story of the violets. I did a little reading about violet personalities, there's quite a bit out there if you google it.

My husband loved pansies. (He called them the smiling flower). I'd grow some in a hanging planter on my back patio, which is on a hill, so the patio is about 8' off the ground. The summer after he died, I found a pansy on the ground below the patio, it had taken root by itself, which I find unusual. In the 38 years I've been here, that is the only time it has ever happened. I also wondered if he hadn't had something to do with it, to let me know he's still here.

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Marty,

I will check out the links. Thank you. Years ago, I contacted several ACs and have to say that none were even remotely close with anything relating to my dogs. I have thought recently about trying again, but hate to waste the money right now with all of the vet bills if it ends up the same as in the past.

I had one other incident happen about six months after Lucy died. I was driving home one afternoon and all of a sudden, for no reason I could think of, I started to cry about Lucy. When I got home a few minutes later, I decided to check the FB page of the rescue group where we got her. It's not a a very active FB page and no one had posted for a while, so I don't even know why I looked. But there was a post from the adoption coordinator that she was reposting pictures from a previous yearly fund raiser that had been held about 8 months prior. We had taken Lucy to the event. It was the only time we went. I had seen the pictures she posted right after the event and knew that Lucy was in some of them, but when I opened the pictures there she was - in the very first one of probably 40 to 50 pictures. It was so ironic.

Anyway, I will definitely think about trying again.

Mary

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Kay,

I truly believe that the pansy taking root on its own was surely a sign from your husband. I don't know why but the pansies and violets always make me think of times past. I think they are somewhat related in the flower family, if I'm correct.

I have a spot in the yard I'm going to plant some this year. After Lucy died, I thought of doing it, but just couldn't bring myself to. So, hopefully this year I will. I did find a beautiful picture of a Cavalier on Etsy, with her head resting on a row of bricks and pansies here and there. Thinking about buying it.

You had asked about a picture of Allie, and I'm going to post one as soon as my husband moves all of my pictures from my old computer to the new. Hopefully soon.

Mary

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Oh, those are WONDERFUL stories, ladies, and glad you both DID mention them!! -_- And yes, indeed, I certainly believe they are signs. And Mary, even IF you just hadn't noticed the violets before, the fact that your attention was drawn to them at all....is a sign all by itself that someone was "whispering" in your ear to "look....look there..." Everything is Consciousness touching and intermingling with Consciousness, so that kind of thing happens all the time with ADCs. It's beautiful! *Sigh*

For me, though, since Shannie and Carly aren't dead (that I presently know of, anyway....another additional stress of ambiguous loss! :unsure: ), I can't even look for any such signs....at least that I know of. But hmmm, maybe I shouldn't limit things to any preconceived notions. Yet if I did see a sign from them, I'm sure I'd fly into an immediate tailspin, wondering if that meant one or both of them were now dead! Ugh....my head....

Mary, I do think it's wise to wait a good amount of time before handing anyone back, since your grief is still so fresh. You know what they say about not making any big decisions whilst grieving... But speaking of your other dogs, how has the rabies vaccinosis issue gone? Any good news there yet? I've been hoping all along... And don't worry about "sidetracking." That's just a part of discussion, and I welcome it. Most of us (well, women, anyway!) go off on tangents a zillion times when talking verbally, so not to worry.

About worrying as we get older, yes, there's that. However, I've always been cognizant of the fact that age itself really has nothing to do with it, in that one can die or become incapacitated at any age, so you still should have a comprehensive plan, including a financial plan, in place for any animal "dependents." I'd had a pretty large one for my beloved Sabin & Nissa, but scenarios have changed drastically since then, and frankly, even IT wasn't as complete or optimal as I'd really wanted. That course brought up a LOT of worries on that front for several participants who, like me, don't have suitable friends or family they could count on. And as for husbands, oh yes, I hear you! Those are exactly the kinds of issues that are so common. I mean let's face it, most men aren't natural Nuture-ers. Heck, I even worry about the kind of care I'd receive if I needed a health advocate, as my H doesn't care to remember even half of what I've tried to teach him over the years, much less to be willingly proactive on my (or anyone's, even his own) behalf. I did virtually everything for our kidlets, myself. He's just not one willing to go the extra mile regarding healthcare, or even several other things, like playtime. That was always my forte´, not his. It's a real concern for me, since love means not just feeling an emotion, but taking ACTION on it.

He did SO nicely suggest we go away overnight for Mother's Day, but I'm not too keen on the amount of expense, and there's still all that dang yardwork waiting, with weather/temps ruling the timing of things, and several lengthy and large projects to get done this summer. So I'm trying to think of some simpler, daytime activity in a place that won't remind me in some way of when S & C were here. Problem is, my mind is feeling pretty scattered, so I'm not able to think very hard. Even a bike ride is questionable, since we often used to ride down to the area where S & C ended up moving to. But in truth, my heart would like to go hang out near their new house, and if I see them roaming around the new neighbourhood, just snatch them both up and drive away, singing "lalalalalala!" to any consequences!!!! Their 'mom' (using that term VERY lightly here) had kept repeating to us the irresponsible and dangerous idea that they could roam all the way down (~6 houses away, then across a street!) to a man-made storm pond area there, for them to hunt and hang out. I KNOW this spot, having biked there many times, and naturally I was horrified on every possible level, but she wasn't listening to reason, as usual. It's a popular dog-walking zone, and they could disappear pretty easily if down there, though... That's how my head is working lately...sigh. What an inner battle this all is. :(

And glad you posted the link to that page here, Marty! (months worth of reading material), because it reminded me to check out the Annual Afterlife Awareness Conference coming up (at bottom of page), since I was thinking of purchasing their streaming coverage of this year's (and including last year's) event, if that's still available. I'm getting highly interested in William Buhlman's OBE work, of late. Wish SO much I could physically attend. Things sure have come a LOT further than when I initially started on this path after losing my precious fur-son in 2000. Suddenly, I'm no longer in the "minority" anymore! :P

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Oh-oh-OH, Mary!!! ANOTHER great sign from Lucy!!! How marvelous of her. :) See how those "whisperings" work? ;) You could always try Teresa Wagner, who's been doing that work for DECADES...but there are many really excellent ACers out there. I think I'd posted a list or two in another member's thread whose dog had gone missing, not too long ago.

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Hearing your story, Maylissa, reminded me...years ago my daughter Melissa lived in a duplex and there was a neighbor cat that looked raggedy and skinny, dirty, pathetic. Her and her husband started giving him attention, and he really took to them. One day she found out her neighbor was going to move and she couldn't bear the thought of the cat, Rick, no longer having someone in his life that cared for him, so she knocked on their door and asked if she could buy him. To her surprise, they said, "You can HAVE him!" and they handed him over.

Today Rick is beautiful, filled out, an amazing gorgeous cat that is so social! He's one of the most beautiful cats I've ever seen.

They also had a roommate that had a cat named Casey. Casey used to climb in bed with them and they showered her with attention. When they all vacated that place, their roommate was willing to let them keep Casey. Casey was a beautiful cat that flourished under their care. She has since passed away and my daughter got her paw print and had it tattooed on her ankle as a memorial of her. I remember my SIL, Don, used to call Casey his "little plus size model". The last couple of years of her life she was no longer a plus size model, which was sad, because we all knew her days were numbered.

I am always so glad to hear of pets going to a home where they'll be loved and adored in the manner they so deserve.

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I've read Mary's lovely post and akin to you, naturally, I agree with virtually every word. Of note, a few key points she made:

"Actually it is no different than losing a person we love."

Amen to THAT!! The more of us who say so, boldly and repeatedly, hopefully the more it will sink into the general populace's consciousness.

"In many instances, like my own, a pet is the living link to a significant person we have lost."

That of course is another one of the reasons my loss of Shannie & Carly is extra difficult. They were, and remain, the last links to our whole, previous "Gang" here. I used to sit and sob into Shannie's fur every now and then, reminiscing with her over particularly the other 2 cats we'd tried unsuccessfully to adopt, and with whom she and Carly spent so much time here. I know they both missed those two just as much as I did, and so it was heartbreaking for us all. And Shannie and Carly were the last in this whole Legacy of Love, as Teresa might put it. It's just been way too much loss in only a few years' time, and this last one has become like the straw that has broken this camel's back. :(

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Kay, those are lovely stories. I only wish it had been that easy in each of my cases.

The 2 other cats we'd tried to adopt together (brothers) had a tragic life as well. I'd helped them out in various ways for 2 years -- long story, but that self-absorbed family went through cats like nobody's business, all of them ending up dead in short order. I'd also known these 2 boys' predecessor, who died at only ~1yr. of age. The one before her also died very young.

Then the family bought a new house, and even whisked the cats away before moving day, so I never got to say any goodbyes. I got my chance with one of them later on, when we saw him outside at the new place, and while I don't want to go into it here, it was a very spiritual experience that made us let him go, rather than stealing him away with us right then and there, even though we wouldn't have also had his brother, too, and of course there was no WAY I would have wanted them torn apart, either, they loved each other so much. Well, turned out there was a huge reason for him to stay, in that it was probably the last time he ever got to be with his brother ever again. You see, soon thereafter I ran into the father of this family, who coolly told me that they'd given this one away to relatives, breaking the brothers up without a thought....again, they were just "property" to these people, to do with whatever they wanted, with no consideration of the cats' feelings or needs. The irony just about killed me, as we could have taken him in that case, since they had ended up separated anyway! But apparently, when we'd seen this one, he'd only been there being sat for temporarily while those relatives went on vacation. At that point, later that day we tried again to adopt them (I had their cell #), this time offering a large sum of money for both. But we never got a call back. Now I have a few reasons to believe they've since both died.

Another boy, from the house right next door to these other awful people, really wanted us to adopt him...and he, too, knew many of "The Gang." I'd had some run-ins with the father there, who was an addict and wife-beater, turned out. We missed rescuing this boy simply due to bad timing, when we'd gone out for a day trip, and a realtor (for that rented house) scooped him up and took him away (to the H.S., turned out, but I didn't find that out for weeks) upon discovering the entire house trashed inside, and only 1 other cat plus a rabbit left indoors for 2 weeks, trying to fend on their own. All the other animals were just missing, and likely just let loose. This boy did get adopted out, I discovered later. His buddy, the other cat who lived in their garage with him, likely ended up killed by the H.S., but even if not, those 2 were split up and never saw each other again, either.

And the very first furgirl who my girl sent me to care for, also ended up dead. I'd known her for all 6 years of her short life, had managed to at least convince her person to get her spayed, but it was I who put up posters, etc., and searched for her for 2 weeks when she went missing, while her 'family' did nothing but stick an ad in the local paper, and only for one issue. Turned out, she'd gotten poisoned and died an excruciatingly painful death, then her body was dumped somewhere and never found.

There were others, too, but it's all too painful to keep recounting the many horrible stories. Just one terrible heartbreak and tragedy after another, with me being the only one who cared about, and for, all these beautiful felines. Many of them were harboured several times overnight at our house, sleeping with us, being fed and watered whenever as needed, being brushed and played with, home-treated as needed, and more. Shannie mainly and virtually lived here, rather than at her house, and everyone naturally assumed she and her brother were ours. As for people, let's just say I've come to despise our neighbourhood and almost all who choose to live here. They've managed to break my heart and spirit with their callous anthropocentrism.

So I could have ended up with a houseful of cats, if anything had ever gone our way. But it never did.

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Maylissa,

I hope whatever you choose to do today, Mothers Day, that it brings some peace to your life - even if for just a few hours. I wish I had a magic wand for all of us who so desperately miss our babies that would take away these feelings, but, of course, I do not. Sometimes it feels as if we are just going thru the motions of living.

Mary

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Thank you for the kinds thoughts for today, Mary. Sure could use some!

So far, it's being brutal, since my H has mucked up hugely as usual, so now I feel more alone than ever. I've sent myself a mother-focused, acknowledging quasi-card instead, because of it. Even picked out some flowers for myself at the grocery store yesterday, since I'd gotten zilch without having to ask. I'd also expected I would be getting a new type of "build it yourself" ecard I'd discovered and had expressly pointed out yesterday, to be filled with pics of all my furry loves...but he gave up, full of excuses, and even expected ME to pic out the pics for it, myself. Always giving me extra trials to deal with when I'm hurting, he is, so now I'm also filled with anger and resentment on top of it all.

Been reading this morning about the International Bereaved Mothers Day movement I'd never heard of before, but where I'm sure animal mothers certainly aren't welcome or acknowledged, as it always is with all of these human-centric things. Learned that the great irony of Mothers Day is that it was actually originally begun as a tribute for.....Bereaved mothers, not as some "happy," fluff celebration at all.

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Thank you, Marty, you dear woman, you! Just what the doctor ordered for such an emotion-wracked day! :wub:

Shockinlgy, I've just had another blow...not in the way most would interpret it, but a shock nonetheless. I just received word late this afternoon that my last remaining brother was found dead in his house, leaving me the only one left of our immediate family. However, my brother was a criminal of the worst order, so it's not as if I'm sad about his death (he'd betrayed me and everything 'holy' so egregiously), but because it could mean lots of grueling work ahead for me, which I'm not in any real shape to handle right now....but handle it I must. And yet, I'm considering getting any notice of this news as a Mothers Day gift also of the "highest order" from my darling furchildren, since they know my heart and story (even after their deaths) so intimately. Still, I'm left feeling bereft and hugely unappreciated by my H, even after this news. What an insanely turbulent Mothers Day, is all I can say!

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