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Mothers Day For Animal Moms


Maylissa

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Maylissa,

I'm so very sorry for all that you are going thru. Sending healing thoughts your way to help you deal with having to handle the arrangements for your brother. So sad that this news came to you on Mothers Day.

Mary

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Maylissa,

I am sorry for the loss of your brother and all that entails. My sister just informed me she's left me as executor of their estate, something I don't feel up to handling, but she doesn't have anyone else as she has no kids. Her husband is a hoarder and she can't even get into her garage, they haven't been able to get into it for years. There's so much stuff in their house and they haven't taken care of their house in latter years so it'd be hard to sell. Their yard is overgrown with Ivy everywhere. I wouldn't know where to start. In addition, her husband has a store with fishing stuff that is overrun with stuff. This is a small town that doesn't have a big call for it so it'd be hard to get rid of.

I hope your brother doesn't have a lot of stuff to clean out. St. Vinnie's will come get stuff if you call them, but they probably take whatever is sellable and leave whatever isn't, which may/may not help.

I'm sorry your day was so disappointing. Mine was too, didn't hear from my kids until last night. Didn't feel very cared about. It's hard when you feel that way esp. when you have people that SHOULD care. Maybe it's not that they don't care as that they're inept at showing it or their priorities are screwed up, but still, it's important to convey love sometimes and this day is one of those times.

As Marty pointed out, the loss of someone with whom your relationship is inadequate is a loss nonetheless because it's now final that it never can be anything else and he died on those terms...so while a part of you can feel relief that a lifetime of this is over, gone is even a faint dream that it can ever be anything else. It's a weird mixture of feelings, I kind of felt like that when my mom died, although dementia had softened her enough to make her nicer to be around just long enough to suck me in and make me miss her. :wacko:

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Kay, I finally got to answering your other post, above, in case you haven't seen it, as I just edited the existing reply to keep things more in order.

Yes, I'm familiar with the whole hoarding aspects of such situations, and worse. They are just nightmares to deal with! Meanwhile, I've still got to finish sorting through and organizing the last bits in our own house, after living with nothing but packed-up boxes for 2+ yrs. during our reno from hell. For an organizer such as myself, this doesn't sit well at all, yet I'm so exhausted by everything, I've been procrastinating about it.

Apparently, my brother's house was already cleaned out once, when he was first incarcerated, but I'm sure it's become a total hellhole again since his release. The biggest problem there, is that I'm in a different province, many hours away, and requiring flying to get there. We also need to find out if there even IS a Will, or whether he died intestate....in which case, I'd be once again battling with the Public Trustee, who is notorious for stealing estates away from relatives and general bungling overall. That office had already screwed me before, after my father had died, not even informing me of his death, and more such unbelievable nightmares. But if there is a Will, I'm likely cut right out, in which case I WILL be going ballistic, as this was the brother who had already stolen our parents' entire estate all for himself, the rotter! (there is NO love lost there, believe me, after what he did to me and others, including his criminal harm) But there are also a couple of other relatives who also betrayed me horribly over all this back then, who will I'm sure be "vulturing" to thieve whatever they can, if they hadn't already, since at least one of them had a key to his place. So pretty sure anything that was left of my Mother's that had been kept from me, is long gone now in any case. Now it's a matter of funds alone, I'm sure, some of which may be hidden in offshore accounts no less, and I'll have to fight for my rights and gawd knows what else. I have to call the police there today, then start looking for a lawyer there as well, before things go too far. Gawd knows who's going to rip me off THIS time 'round, though. I'm just not up to all this, and the expense alone is another issue. All I know is I'm sick to death of getting cheated out of everything that matters to me. :angry2:

Similarly to you and your mother, mine also had some dementia (as did my father, but his was FAR, FAR worse, and wrecked everything), yet there was some healing between she and I before she passed. It was still a "complicated" grief, though, but I let it all go in a heartbeat when my darling Nissakins suddenly needed me to care for her in much larger measure than before. An easy choice for me, since no one ever loved me as much as she and her brother had.

I'm also so sorry your own Mothers Day was so deficient. Honestly, what is wrong with people nowadays??!! "Should" care, is right! But most people are Takers, not Givers, so it's no wonder the world is so screwed up and others suffer so greatly by that.

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Feelings being what they were, why not let the state deal with his "estate" and save yourself the trouble? They can't force you to come do all the dirty work!

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Maylissa,

I found the post you edited...wow, you really have been through it. I tried to adopt a cat from a neighbor once, she was 18 and hadn't a clue how to parent and that cat wasn't getting care for a hernia it had, we wanted to adopt it and take it to the vet but she also refused our money.

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Feelings being what they were, why not let the state deal with his "estate" and save yourself the trouble? They can't force you to come do all the dirty work!

Because it was in large part the "Public Trustee"'s Office that made sure I lost out on everything twice before! :o (am not in a State, but a Province in Canada; laws are different in each country, and even in each province) They're inept, corrupt, and indifferent in their jobs, but (just like many vets!) get only slaps on the wrist, IF even that. So far, my time is already being all-consumed by this effort - talking to police, the Chief Medical Examiner's office, searching through old emails for helpful info from the LAST 2 times this kind of thing happened, etc.. But the deceit has already begun, and relatives have already made moves and inroads (only 1 day after the death) into taking all power over for themselves, leaving me without a leg to stand on now, from what I've heard so far. They already have access to my brother's house and all of its contents.

The whole system's corrupt & lacking in checks and balances for victims of it. The police didn't even make a real effort to search the house for papers, a Will, etc., since the M.E. figured he'd been dead in there for 2 MONTHS or more, and the place was a horrific mess. Guess the stench was too much for them to want to bother to go get respirators on and do their jobs properly! So now the entire situation is a mess because of them. I should have had 1st rights as the closest blood relative, but they took that away from me and gave it instead to my nephew and his underhanded mother (the woman who I had great reason to suspect ensured my other brother - her partner for a few years - died of a massive stroke). Now have to talk to a few lawyers to see what's viable, and what's not. If it's anything like the last 2 times, though, I don't have any real hope of any good outcome for me, and will become a "Loser" with a capitol "L" for the THIRD time in a row. I just can't express how much I hate my rotten family now, and the world's evil ways as well. And Karma for vile humans never seems to step in in time to do any real good, either. I truly think this world is trying to kill me off in short order, it's being so cruel.

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I did see you are in Canada, but even here the laws vary from state to state. The point isn't where you are, but if it's a lot of work and nothing to show for it, I guess I don't see the point when you weren't close and don't owe him anything. I guess you're a better person than me.

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No, the point is he owes ME, for our entire parents' estate that he stole outright, including mine and our deceased brother's portion (which should now go to my nephew). This was my chance to finally recoup those egregious, and criminally-stolen financial losses, once he died. But if my nephew and his mother are planning to take everything, that's not right, or fair.

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I thought he didn't have anything of value left. Most people who go to prison lose everything somewhere along the way, unless he wasn't in for long.

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No one really knows for sure, but I'm the only one who has the closest idea and official accounting of how much he really got from our parents' estate, and it wasn't peanuts. It's not likely he ran out of all those funds since he was a hermit by choice (no driving, traveling, friends, etc.), and there's the real estate's value to add to it now, too. The biggest challenge might be locating where he stashed those monies, and if it's even accessible if they were hidden offshore. Or if he had a ton of creditors who are owed large sums.

Adding to my outrage, I'd even found old notes of earlier conversations I'd had with the police, where I'd asked directly, and they had assured me I would be the first one notified, and directly by them, if he were to be found dead in his house, since we'd expected that to be the case. So I was clearly "on file." But they didn't even bother checking their entire file for the closest, living blood relative when the time came. Whatever was easiest for them is what they went by. I honestly can't believe how my legal, familial rights have been trampled time after time. It's been like a 2x4 to the face, making my whole identity as a member of the family "null and void," as if I'd never even existed.

That hurts just as much if not more, than everything else. And leads to the bigger question, "why was I even born" if I've ended up, in effect, a "nobody" in everybody's eyes, including legally? It truly feels like the proverbial "sins of the father" have come home to roost, not on those of like kind who deserved it, but on my shoulders...the one family member with the highest moral compass of the whole lot. Why am I being punished like this for all of their crimes? And what was the point then of rising above all that my entire life, if in the end, I'm a victim of everything bad that I fought against?...and much like the animals so often end up too, I might add!! This is all just telling me I should have callously sat back and allowed all sorts of innocent lives to be ruined forever, instead of doing "the right things" to try and prevent that from happening. On an even broader scale, it sure looks like "good" does NOT triumph over "evil" at all, and no matter what one does to combat it. The crooks, the morally-defunct, the uncaring, the downright evil, always seem to win in this world, as that's been the result I've seen and experienced over and over again in especially the last decade of my life.

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I am so sorry for you Maylissa, because it sounds like this whole process is going to be seriously stressing to you. I wish for you, peace.

I do understand how unfair things can be in families...in my own family my mom left everything to my brother and absolutely nothing to us five girls. We didn't count. In appealing to my brother for even just a couple of mementos, it was not forthcoming. I've had to accept that without bitterness to him but have been able to do so, so I know it can be done. Not easy, but it's the least of things we had to go through and deal with in a lifetime of unfairness, it just is what it is. :)

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Thanks for sharing that, Kay, and I'm so sorry, you too were dealt such an unfair blow. Why some parents especially do such things, knowing the rifts it's going to cause, is beyond me. But it does always help to know others have had similar trials to deal with, so you don't feel as alone in those issues.

I'd written (on the advise of a therapist back then) a long, impassioned letter to this brother (even sending copies to other relatives involved, so no one could try and later twist my words, approach, or motives!), asking for just certain sentimental items, if they hadn't been sold (by our father) and he had them. No response, same as for you. I'd even offered up a much larger share of the estate to him (at the time not expecting to be cut right out), but he took the whole thing, regardless. He was always a very mentally sick individual, but that doesn't excuse the behaviour of all the other relatives who backed him up in his evil plans....and if I dared speak here of what those entailed, you would probably vomit...

Now though, I'm forced to revisit all the vileness from the past that I'd basically put behind me, because it's all tied into my brother's estate. "Welcome back, PTSD"....groan. Speaking to lawyers this week, so we'll see what comes of that. Mainly, I need to decide asap if it's even worth pursuing, and if I can live with whatever decision I come to. Mainly, I'm sick of spending good money for nothing in the end, like my father and brother are still bleeding me dry, even after death. And I'm really mad at my own soul for choosing to become part of such an insane family. Wasn't worth it, so far!

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I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make, because in the end, it is your well being that matters most, not mementos, not parental recognition, not $, nothing but your peace of mind, however that can come by. There comes a time we realize we are done with having them stick it to us and we say enough is enough and we let go of it all. I'm glad I was able to love my mom in the end, in spite of it all, realizing she was a tormented being not capable of more, and my brother, he is a good person that I don't think did the right thing with us, but again, he has to live with his choices at the end of the day. It is what it is. He's still my brother. We were not close before, we are not likely to be close in the future, HIS choice, not mine.

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That's exactly why I had distanced myself from them many moons ago...to gain more peace of mind. I only maintained some contact with my Mom. It's not really the lack of "parental" recognition that's bothering me the most, but my legal rights being stepped on and circumvented by The System and whomever else. I no longer even care about mementos associated with the family, as those memories are now tainted by what's transpired since, so who needs more reminders of that? If anything was even left (which I highly doubt anyway), I'd just sell it, and those monies would benefit my own future. It's really because finances would greatly benefit both our present and future, that I bother pursuing this to whatever point at all. It's the practical thing to do!

I'd forgiven my mother long ago, and my eldest brother as well, but the others, no. They're not even worth forgiving. They will have to deal with their own souls and actions regardless, and will have to forgive themselves, and I have nothing to do with it. This is about standing up for myself and my rights in the present, and not allowing others to treat me with disrespect or as a pushover. I'm just going to do what I think will be for my good/better/best interests in the long run, and overall. It just may not be that easy to tell what that is, beforehand. For all I know, it may turn out that sitting back and just waiting after taking a few simpler, proactive and protective steps, is all that's needed. There's just too much unknown as yet to tell. The largest part of the dilemma is in trying to determine, or guess, if the estate's assets even outweigh its liabilities. If I had that one answer, I'd have all the other answers I need.

But this brother was never really a "good person," starting from at least the time I was very young myself. A "bad seed," just like our father was. And even though I'm one of few (and the only one left alive now) who knows potentially why he become like that, he still made his own choices. We both came from the same family, after all, yet I chose very oppositely. So I don't mourn for him, personally, but for the fact that I grew up with such a lousy family, and their bad influence still ripples outward today, through other relatives. But this brother abetted in harming &/or killing countless innocents who I've, instead, fought for, and so I'm glad he's finally gone from this plane. That huge worry is no longer warranted, so I can finally rest easy on that count. His Life Review must have been a real doozy for him to experience first-hand because of all that, but I'm pretty sure it still wouldn't have made him change his sociopathic mind, either. Interestingly, I never have gotten any signs from my father, or now this brother, yet I did from both my Mother and other brother...which may be an indication of who chose to seek more enlightenment, and who didn't.

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Maylissa,

I just wanted to say again that I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. I think you need to decide what is the right thing for you and go with it. Hopefully you will be able to determine soon if it is worth pursuing, but it seems that situations like this can drag on forever. It also seems so many take the easy way out with their jobs (in this case, the legal aspect of it), which makes things even harder. In our own experiences with lawyers over the years, they put more effort into getting your money than in doing the job they were hired to do. A few exceptions here and there, but very few.

Mary

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Ugh, computer suddenly crashed and I lost my whole reply...a new one now:

Yes, hopefully, although I know all too well how long these things take, and how useless many lawyers are. I cut my teeth on the previous family battles, then again with the reno. Many people who are successful with suits are the ones who've done most of the lawyers' work FOR them, I've learned. As we've lamented for years now, there's very little if any "pride in one's job" left anymore out there. And yet the lazy and inept people keep getting rewarded, while the exceptional ones, more often than not, lose out. Nice world. I've lost virtually all faith in things just "working out." And in tandem with the ridiculous number and severity of my losses in the last decade or so, I've lost almost all of my resilience, too. I don't want to be a 'soldier,' with great strength to carry on, if there's no tangible OR intangible "reward" for all this strife and battle. I just feel lost now.

I've encountered SO many "whiners" out there who rage and wail against far, far less than what I've had to endure, yet they get (and expect) everyone's ear and sympathy so easily, while I'm lambasted for my own, far more weighty complaints, or they're continually minimized, or even laughed at, adding insult to injury. Many also seek to swiftly take away my natural anger over these trials, as if there's something wrong with that reaction, and it requires immediate snuffing out, and I need "fixing," as if I'm "broken." Well, even if my case isn't the "worst in the world," I still dare any such people to go through everything I've had to, and survive it all, without becoming a total basket case in the process. I had to re-read a synopsis of what I'd written to someone years ago, detailing a fair chunk (but still not ALL) of what my family, this brother, and other relatives had done to me, and I honestly couldn't even believe, myself, that I'd survived it all, it was so outrageously bad and extensive. No wonder no one really believes it. And same for our reno. I can't believe I'm even still standing.

But now I have to ask what the point of surviving it was and is, if life is just going to keep getting worse, not better, for me, as it has insisted on doing these last few years? And why is this meme still operating when I've tried so many ways to reverse this nasty trend? I know and deeply feel I deserve much better than this, so why haven't things become easier? I'm just so bone-tired weary of it all.

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I echo what I feel and Mary expressed, that you do what you feel is best for YOU and don't look back!

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  • 2 weeks later...

General update here....and I should have moved the non-Mothers Day portion of this to a completely different thread! Oh well...too tired, and I guess too late for that now.

Unfortunately, what I felt and feel was best for me, just isn't panning out or is being impossible to attain. Things have rapidly gone from bad to worse to truly "unbelievable." Seriously, no one can believe this story, it's become so outrageous, even more so than the story before. But now I have to somehow deal with my feelings about it all, and they are so compounded now, it seems like an impossibility. The sheer level of betrayal that's become apparent from both relatives AND the corrupt System is so overwhelming, yet simply walking away from it all just feels disempoweringly defeatist, and so may not serve me well in the final analysis, either. Every day has brought another shocking and astounding revelation and action aimed against me, &/or aimed towards someone else's interest over mine, I can't even begin to process it all.

And all this on TOP of my continuing grief over my 2 cat loves...it's just too much. But even IF I dropped it all now, I can't now unlearn all the grisliness of what I found out, and it's already done untold emotional, spiritual, and psychological damage that I'm not sure I can overcome this time. And in the midst of this, there are the usual folks who glibly toss out time-worn cliche´s like, "just start thinking "happy" thoughts instead!"....as if they could easily do it themselves (which I highly doubt) if facing the same traumas all at once, and as if I haven't been trying that all along and for years during traumatic events, while one after another of the things that helped me BE happy are torn away from me, regardless. Just the look in their faces, and the tone of their voices when I share what I've learned, is enough to tell me they haven't got a CLUE how to handle what I'm dealing with, yet out come the ridiculous, new-agey cliche´s anyway. Some have even laughed, so inappropriately, at my pain and anguish. (only ONE person apologized immediately for that inappropriateness, which I very much appreciated; now that's accountability, responsibility and acknowledgement in action!)

At this point, all I can say is the rage and bitterness created by all this is severely challenging, and too many people plainly just get a complete FAIL as human beings.

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Wow, I guess nothing surprises me any more, I've certainly received my share of inappropriate comments when my husband died. I know a lot of people don't understand grieving an animal and will say stupid things but that's because they haven't experienced love of an animal like we have, they don't realize the depth of relationship you can have.

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Actually, I was referring to the whole brother's estate thing, about these recent, shallow comments and laughter. So if we hope people can or will relate better to a strictly human event or issue, even that's apparently not enough to save us from this added insult-to-injury. Like you, too, I got more than my fair share of such garbage when my Mother and another brother died....but seemingly again (from what others told me upon hearing the remarks), on a more egregious scale than most folks suffer from. That said, most of those came from this same, crazy family and extended family members, so that's not as surprising as where they're coming from today! I don't know WHY this is such a recurring nightmare for me, but it's gotten WAY too old, and I just wish it would STOP already!

Hey, maybe we need a thread to list all those callous remarks we've all likely heard...to help us purge them out of our systems and get the creative juices flowing for "what we WISH we'd said back"! :P Hmmm....that reminds me!....I'd had such correspondence from a fellow griever years ago, who was such a funny, sarcastic guy about this exact topic (from his own experiences), he had me in STITCHES over his comebacks. I'd suggested co-authoring a book for grievers, listing these, but don't recall now whatever happened with that....boo. I think it would sell like hotcakes!

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We had such a thread years ago, something like "Stupid things people say". I tried to find it a while back to no avail.

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This brings to mind the phrase "the more time I spend with humans, the more I like my dog (or cat)". I don't understand why people need to be so nasty at times. Yes, I think most of us can throw a few jabs here and there (I know I can), but why do that in a situation like this? I just don't get it.

I was talking with someone who recently lost their dog and when they went to pick up the ashes, the person just asked for their name and handed them the bag with the box of ashes in it. No expression of sympathy. Just handed them the bag. Now, why would a person like that even be working in a crematory or funeral home? Would it have been too much for them to say "I'm sorry about the loss of your dog"? Just like, why couldn't the family just say they were sorry and let it go at that?

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