What Do I Keep?

[Badturkeys]

My girlfriend of the last two years passed away three weeks ago from alcohol poisoning and I'm not sure what next steps I should do. We were deeply in love and had talked about having a future together. She suffered from alcoholism and possibly bi-polor disorder which made things very difficult for her and ultimately took her life.

One thing I'm not sure what to do about are her possessions. Her brother is coming over today and will be taking away some of her furniture and already I'm feeling like my girlfriends presence in my life will be a passing memory. I feel like that Gotye song "Someone that I Used To Know" and I hate the idea of not only just losing her, but losing all the contributions she made to our home. It makes me happy and feel like she is still with me seeing her clothes, decorations and artwork around. She really made our crappy apartment into something special.

The main issue I'm having is that I'm only 27 years old and I know that realistically one day I will need to move on and will date again. I dont want to wake up one day in a new relationship and realize that I need to throw all of my girlfriends things away because I have moved on. This is why I've decided that her brother and mother should end up collecting 99% of her possessions. I'm thinking I should make a photo book with great photos of her and us, keep all the love notes she wrote me, a bottle of her perfume she left and the necklace I gave her which holds sentimental value. Outside of these I might keep a painting she made.

Anyway going through this is really tough and I just wanted to see what other people have done in similar situations. Do you keep all the nicknacks, furniture, jewelry, decorations, etc or do you let them go and move on? She was a very important person in my life and deserves being remembered, but I also want to respect any future relationships that I might be in and not have my place covered in things that remind me of her.

Thanks

[MartyT]

My friend, I am so sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to you. I've not been in a situation such as yours, but as a grief counselor responding to your question, I will share with you what I think.

Unless your beloved's brother and mother are demanding that her possessions be given to them immediately, it seems to me that you would be wise to wait a while before ridding your home of everything you shared as a couple. Since you shared a home, some of your love's belongings may belong to both of you, and not just to her alone.

Your loss is so new, and right now every one of her belongings may seem like a linking object to you, which may serve to comfort you and make you feel closer to her. Be careful making any permanent decisions now that you may come to regret later. Given your age, you are absolutely right to think that one day you may find yourself in a new relationship ~ but that is in the future, and right now the main task before you is to find your way through the grief you're feeling at the loss of your current love. There is grief work to be done now, and you don't want to make it any harder on yourself than it is already.

Please bear in mind that only YOU will know what brings you comfort ~ and if letting go of some of your love's "stuff" seems okay to you, then by all means let it go. Just know that at this very early point in your grief journey, you may not be too sure of what you really want and what you will need later. So I would advise you to proceed with caution, and don't make any decisions about anything that can wait until you're in a better state of mind.

That said, I think your idea of making a scrapbook with photos and love notes, along with keeping her perfume and bracelet, is wonderful. Only you can decide if that will be enough.

Give yourself time to process this significant loss in your life. The time will come when you'll be ready to open your heart to another love ~ but that is in the future. Focus on what's going on in your life right now, and let yourself mourn your current love.

[MartyT]

I've just now read a beautiful Q&A that features one of my most trusted colleagues, Dr. Robert Neimeyer, whose column now appears regularly on the After Talk website. When I read this, I thought of you immediately.

On March 16, 2015, he offered the following response to a question from a widower seeking advice about removing his late wife's belongings:

In Buddhism, the "Middle Way" refers to a path to enlightenment that steers between two extremes, such as self-denial and self-indulgence. Avoiding a choice between such radical opposites, in this view, is the noble path that leads to right understanding and right action.

But one need not be a Buddhist to recognize the wisdom of this perspective. To remove all traces of your wife from your home and your heart, your closets and your conversations, would be to erase a vital part of your life story, the personal history that makes you, you. Surely a relationship based on love and openness would not demand such relinquishment of your identity, as if the years spent with your wife could simply be edited out of your life, like the pages of so many chapters cut out of a novel. On the other hand, the futile effort to freeze time suggested by your inability to release anything associated with your wife suggests that you are not yet ready to make room, literally or metaphorically, for another relationship.

What, then, is the Middle Way in this situation? Perhaps it would involve a careful, unhurried sorting of your wife's possessions: Which are genuinely cherished mementos for you to hold close? Which might become precious "linking objects" to your wife passed on to others who love her--perhaps your children or grandchildren, her siblings, or her friends? And which might become legacy gifts for those in need given in your wife's name, perhaps to a charity whose work carried meaning for her? Taking time to sift through such possessions, whether on your own or with a close family member, can itself be therapeutic, often giving rise to meaningful conversations with yourself in a personal journal or with the trusted person who joins you in the task. The important thing is to give such work the time it deserves, with no hurry to "get rid of" anything: some belongings will obviously be keepers, while others can clearly be gifts, and those in between can simply be placed in storage for later sorting. The first step is the hardest, and you may find that the process comes to feel right as you make decisions of which your wife would approve. With each such decision, you will be honoring your love for her, as you also make room for a new relationship.

[Guest]

We are at the beginnings of cleaning out our son's room and belongings, and this is indeed good advice Marty. Taking it slow is key.

[kayc]

I'm sorry for your loss, it's very hard. I agree that this shouldn't all have to be done at once and certainly not any time soon. Anyone you have in your life in the future will need to understand that when you lose someone you love to death it's not like a breakup, the love continues, it's life that changes. You shouldn't have to pick and choose. I would keep what brings you comfort and if you feel the desire to part with something, then that is the time to do it and not a moment sooner.

[Badturkeys]

Thanks everyone. I spoke with her brother and he said there is no rush and that I should keep anything I want. I havent had a chance to speak to her mom about it, who is taking it really hard, but I have a feeling she'll feel the same way.

I still have another 3 months left on my lease so it'll probably be a gradual process. I'm going backpacking this weekend in her memory (she loved being outdoors and in the forest) and while searching for my sleeping bag I ended up finding more of her stuff in the house including some awesome things that I will want to keep. Really appreciate the advice and I'm glad I havent rushed into anything.

[KATPILOT]

Badturkeys I am sorry for your loss. You are faced with a tough situation when it comes with personal items you keep as you go on with the job of living. At your age, it is quite likely that you will indeed develop another relationship. I want to share something with you that may help.

The first thing is that for now you are not in another relationship so what you can keep of your girlfriend's things, you should. I realize that you may have already given some items up, I would think that there are still some things that were between you and her................ Cards or letters for example.

As you move on, it will be something you can deal with at a future time. My son lost his fiance when he was as old as you. I watched him go through much of what may be happening in your life and it was a hard time yes. Some of his fiance's things are still in my home as he wanted to keep them just because. You never stop loving someone because they die. But! That doesn't mean you can't still love another. My son did marry and now has children. He loves his wife indeed but she knows what he lost and if a new girl enters your life, my guess is that she would more than understand who you were and who you are. You've already shown us that your capacity for love is way up there if just that you stayed with her through such a rough time.

Again, my thoughts are with you and I hope you find some tools to help you here on this site.

Stephen

[Badturkeys]

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

My grandmother just passed away today - so its been a pretty rough month for me and my family. Its nice looking at pictures of my grandma and gf together - they really liked each other a lot. Glad I havent done anything stupid like get rid of things too quickly.

Thanks again for everything!

[kayc]

I'm sorry you lost your grandmother. It takes time to process each new loss but I'm glad you have good memories that no one can take away.