Losing My Son Is Horrifying Yet Spiritual.

[Kate3]

We lost our 11 year old son Nick 7 weeks ago to a tragic accident. We live very rural and kids are on atvs at very young ages. We started with a go-cart years ago then graduated to a 4 wheeler. My husband turned down the throttle so it wouldnt go to fast and spent months teaching him the rules and riding with him until he was ready. One afternoon he decided to take it for a spin around the yard while Nana was babysitting. We live on a farm and he went to the feild beside the house. One minute later his brother came running back saying "there was an accident, Nick is unconscious and bleeding and the 4 wheeler was ontop of his legs. I recieved that phone call at work! I lew home to find ambulances and a helicopter in the field to take my son away, the hospital they took him to was 90 minutes away. I barely remember the ride. Nick has severe brain trauma as well as many other life threatening injuries. How could this be! No, he cant be this hurt, I remember pray as hard as I could for a miracle. He was so hurt, it was horrifying! My precious baby! He lasted 34 hours after the accident, then it was time to remove life support. His father and I held him sobbing and hysterical! I remember a moment the room went silent and I looked at the ceiling to ask god why? What I saw at that moment was the most incredible beautiful thing I had ever seen! At first it was very close up and I could tell what I was seeing, then I knew it was Nicks auburn highlights in his hair iilluminated by this beautiful warm misty light. Then I could see him and he was illuminated also but not like sunlight, the light seemed to come from within, then I got a very close up view of a beautifully detailed gigantic angel wing. I was in awe of it. Nick looked to one shoulder then to the next and made a face like whoa! Check out these things! Then it was gone!

I believe with everything in me I saw my sons soul. And because of that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that life lives on.

we are devastated and going through the worst, most darkest depths of hell anyone could never want to imagine. But Im also searching. I feel him around me all the time, I feel him talking but cannot make out all the words, i want to learn to hear him. There is no way death can take away the love I have for him! I feel it growing stronger. Ive started to meditate but my pain is so great its very hard. I did see a wonderful psychic who gave me a moment of peace and confirmed he does still exist. Does anyone else feel these things? Am I going crazy?

[enna]

Your tragedy has left me without words, but I do want to let you know that I have heard you. Who are any of us to say whether or not our loved ones make themselves present to us after death. If they do they do. That is my belief. I am so happy you are receiving signs from your Nick. NO, you are not crazy. Nick is letting you know he is alright. I send you hugs. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Anne

[Kate3]

Thankyou Anne, this is my first time saying this to someone outside my family. One could say you project your own beliefs but, we have always called ourselves spiritual but not religious. I was hoping for a miracle while he was at the hospital absolutely with every ounce of my being. However, I was not thinking of angels. It gave me hope. Seeing that and my other 2 children is what keeps me from laying down and never getting up.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, to lose a child feels devastating. There are many here who have had "signs" from their loved one, and I believe it's given to them for a reason, yet not all do. Yours is unique but I believe it was meant to reassure you. My journey has been faith-based, although I would have loved a tangible sign, but as I understand, all of our journeys are as unique as each of us on them.

I hope you find comfort and encouragement here and welcome to this site.

[MartyT]

Kate, my dear, I am so sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the life of your beloved boy. As a bereaved mom myself, I hold a special place in my heart for mothers like us.

Just this morning I read these words, written by a bereaved dad, which touched my heart:

Those of us who have lost a child know things about life that others do not. We have been through a terrible life-situation that fundamentally changes us as people. From the day my daughter, Ilana Libby, passed away, I walk with a heavy heart. We are left to an eternity of questions that can never be answered, such as: 'What would her laugh would have sounded like?' and 'How big she'd be now?' These questions torment Julie and I and they are impossible to escape. I don't think we'll ever escape them, and honestly, I don't want to escape them. I want to embrace them. We didn't get much time on earth with Ilana, so we're left with hypotheticals. We do know that she forever changed the world. Even if it was just my families' world. ~ Jeremy Krashin

It is way too early in your grief to know the extent to which your precious Nick has changed and will change your family's world, but I know in time you will discover those ways too. I know that in my own case, the death of my baby David led eventually to my interest in working with the bereaved ~ but that happened many years later, after doing lots of my own grief work. Give yourself time ~ lots of time ~ to process this traumatic loss and find your own way through your grief. Don't hesitate to seek the support of others, such as that you will find with The Compassionate Friends and MISS Foundation.

Having read your description of what happened at the moment your son's soul left his earthly body, I can assure you that you are NOT "going crazy" ~ Actually you're in very good company, as many others have had mystical experiences very similar to your own. Doing a bit of reading on the topic may help to reassure you that this is not at all uncommon. See, for example, my article "Am I Going Mad?" ~ Mystical Experiences in Grief, and be sure to read some of Lou LaGrand's work on what he describes as Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Kate,

I am so, so sorry you are suffering such tremendous loss. My heart hurts for you. May God hold you tenderly, and give you comfort and peace in your heart by His supernatural love, strength, and power. Like Kay, I've never had such an experience, and my life ~ and griefs ~ are faith-based (Christian) also. I believe you were given a special blessing, for your need was/is great.

I send you warm hugs,

Carrie

[Kate3]

Thank you for the love, we are so empty right now, I have been surprised where I have found the most comfort through this, even from complete strangers. I am reading everything I can get my hands on about spirituality. I grew up in a very extreme religious home. I have faith but do not attend a church. I feel this is different, deeper. I am now on a spiritual journey to find the meaning of this, if any and the meaning of life and death in itself.

I like this site you all seem very genuine, thankyou.

[kayc]

I think most of us on this journey see things in a more spiritual light...we have to! It doesn't have anything to do with religion but rather something we're aware of ourselves. It's not about teaching, it's about knowing.

I lost three children before they were born, that was hard enough as they were very wanted but to lose a child once you've gotten to know them...that's a whole new thing. I'm glad you know he still exists. Energy doesn't die, it just changes form. I remember when my husband died, I could plainly see he'd left his body, he no longer had need of it, but I knew he existed still. I know that still today and it's been ten years.

[Kate3]

I agree KayC energy cannot be destroyed. As a motherI have to know! Just because his physical body is not here doesnt mean its over. Obviously Im not delirious, I am well aware that he isnt here but, I feel like he IS somewhere. And I have to know and learn anything and everything about heaven, light, love energy, etc. Any books or info would be great. I have read many grief books already. And a few on the psychology of grief but now Im wanting to seek spiritual info.

[kayc]

Maryanne (Froggie) posted today about her experience with a psychic over in Loss of spouse section, you might want to read what she wrote. Even if a person doesn't go for that themselves, you can't argue another's experience! I remember reading a book about heaven after my husband died, it felt encouraging/comforting.