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1 Month Ago I Said Good Bye

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One month ago I said good bye to Kevin for the last time. It was today the 8th even though I know he was gone when the accident happened on the 7th. It happened all so fast. The night before was our anniversary and we stayed in and had a quiet dinner and commented what a lame anniversary but that was ok. For the first time in a long time it was peaceful and we were calm.

Thursday morning I woke up and just had a feeling that it was going to be a bad day. Little did I know how bad it was going to be. He was finally off to get a job and was on his way to fill out the application and take the next step. He was a year and 3 weeks clean and sober. What a journey it had been and was still and continues to be. The motorcycle accident happened and my life was turned upside down.

I know I made the right decisions at the hospital. We had talked and he feared being trapped between two worlds and wanted peace. I can say that I think this is one of the few times he is at peace. The daily struggle he faced due to mental illness and being in recovery for addiction was difficult on both of us.

My friends and family have been amazing. I haven't had my breakdown yet but I know it's coming. More and more things are finishing up and I'm having less and less to do. So now it's bound to happen. I have my moments where I lose it and then I'm fine. Some days I'm almost grateful because I know he is at peace and the daily struggle is over for both of us. What gets me most days is that I don't have him to send that text to or to call with that random fact or when something good or bad happens. That sucks the most. We texted about everything and anything most days. I'm ok being alone as he was a truck driver for 2 years and had been gone for months at a time. But we could still talk and text and did it non stop everyday. Now there is so much quiet. But it is peaceful. If only my mother in law could get with the program. I know she is grieving but she did not really have a place in his life but feels that age is entitled to making demands on me.

It's just starting to hit home. I want to be sad and my body is defiantly grieving but my brain doesn't always agree. Sometimes I think the ultimate meltdown might still be months away. But the other part of me wonders if I really will ever have a meltdown. We had so many issues over the years and the last few had been very difficult but things were getting better. I just don't know. And I know that's ok but I'm starting to feel guilty.

Thanks for letting me share. There is lots more that I could go on for another eight anagrams at least.

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We must have all suffered our losses about the same time. I buried my husband a month ago today (our 13th anniversary was Sat 6/6) ...

Rozemon, Ric and I had our issues too but I still loved him. My last Valentine to him read "we've been together a long time now. We've laughed and cried and seen each other through the our best and worst and everything in between, and whenever I look at you, I feel even more love than I've ever felt before. Your're my partner, and you're my best friend, and I ask nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you".

Maybe it's the sticking by each other through the best and worst and all that inbetween that glues us to each other ...

I'm so sorry for your loss ... and you too lattiee, I'm sorry that you lost your uncle.

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I'm sorry you lost your husband and in such a sudden way. I think sometimes our body has a way of shielding us until we're better able to deal with it, so it numbs us with shock. Little by little as it begins to emerge, we process and deal with the loss. I'm sure you'll have meltdowns along the way, try not to worry about when, you can't grieve wrong, we all do it our own way as we're unique.

Just like your missing his texts...that was part of your everyday life, so of course you'll feel that absence. My husband's job was 75 miles away and the last year he worked nights & I worked days but he called me at lunchtime when he got up, at 5:00 when I was getting off work and he was heading into work, on his first break and on his lunch break at night. I missed those times and I missed the weekends that we always had devoted to each other. Those times I didn't know what to do with myself. Now it's been ten years and I'm used to being alone but not a day goes by but what I don't miss him (and talk to him).


I'm never sure what to say with regards to anniversaries, it's hard to have a "happy anniversary" when your beloved isn't there to share it with you, but it was one of the most important days of your life so ignoring it doesn't seem right either. I hope the day was peaceful as you recalled good memories. I like your last Valentine to him. It's true, we went through so much with our spouse, and it truly is about going through thick and thin together. We were there for each other through all life had to offer.

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