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Facing The Future . . . Sometimes


feralfae

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Best news is that the CGA tests (done twice just to be sure) came back in the "all clear" zone.  No cancer.  I am going to take it easy all weekend, hoping that a couple of days of staying stress-free and slothful will give my body some time to heal.  If by Monday I am still having issues, I will begin to deal with it again on Monday.  These tests and the worrying have no doubt contributed to the abdominal pain.  I know I carry all my stress in my tummy.

Meanwhile, Carrie ----

I love to dance!  I know there is at least one other dancer around this fire.  Did you know that there are many videos on YouTube for Yoga Dancing?  Something to try, at your own level and pace.  I still use a Denise Austin routine, at my own range of motion and going lightly on some of the floor work.  But it still feels very good to move.  :)   Cataract surgery next week?  You know we will all be holding you in prayer and in our hearts, and we all know that you will come through this, heal, and perhaps begin to do a few gentle yoga dance routines.  :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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This calls for a celebration and a dance, Fae. Great news.

And we will all have Carrie in our thoughts as she has cataract surgery next week.

The fun thing about dancing is that all you have to do is move ~ who cares who's watching. 

Dancing while eating cookies. ;)

Anne

 

Cookie-Monster-19.jpg

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Fae,

All your sisters (and brothers) celebrate your good news with you.  I thank God for answering our prayers.  I told Jerry and Amberly that you aren't feeling well.  Now, I can tell them with a happy heart that you are going to be all right.  They will be rejoice with you also.  I'll need to wait until tonight to tell Amberly, because she's in class at Stockton (near Sacramento) at St. Joseph's Hospital until Tuesday.  

Stress free and slothful sounds good for this weekend.  Let's go for it.   I strongly encourage you to rest and allow your "insides" to heal.  I carry my stress in my tummy also.  I would like to think those sustained muscle spasms are "beer can abs," but it ain't so.  They are there due to a combination of stress and friendly support for my spine.  I've wondered whether if they decide to relax if I might not slither to the floor.  They're just doing their job.  I'm finding it difficult to praise them for it though.

Anne, you said that you are watching me.  I'm about to start looking for your hidden camera, because as I look at your Cookie Monster this morning, I'm sitting here with my fists full of cookies.  Uncanny.   I'm busted.   Beauregard and I likely wore similar expressions to that of Cookie Monster as we frolicked through the forest just before that danged tree root reached out and caught me by my foot.  

Dancing is just plain good for us.  It causes our happy to rise up and bubble over.  Ironically, Jerry was remembering this morning his dancing with Amberly on his feet when she was a little girl.  He said, with a sweet, poignant smile on his precious face, "My little girl grew up to be a beautiful lady."  When I told her what her daddy said, she said, "Awwww.  Sweet memories of life."  Indeed.  

Amberly also grew up to enjoy ballroom dancing.  She's is a good swing dancer, and gets her photo in the newspaper once in a while.  This never fails to surprise her, for she's just having fun.  I'll get my eyes fixed so I can continue to sew her dance dresses (and bloomers).  

Thank you all for remembering me on Wednesday.  You are a blessing.  If God be willing, and I believe He is, I intend to heal from both my surgeries and my injuries, and resume my normal life (but what is one?).  I can do this with you guys pulling for me.  I can, and I will.  I intend to dance again like Cookie Monster.

Cataract surgery is 90 - 98% "a piece of cake."  For those who have moderate to severe astigmatism (I have moderate), limbal relaxing incisions might need to be made in the cornea during surgery, or lasik correction afterward.  Ordinarily, people who have astigmatism are offered Toric lens, but according to the machine that is used to measure eyes, I am in a "lucky three percent" who do not need the Toric lens.  My prescription tells them I need Toric lens, but the machine tells them I don't.  They say, "We can't argue with the machine."  

A risk with the Toric lens is that it can slip, which causes blurry vision.  Their plan is likely best, so we now ask God to guide the surgeon's hands and decisions during surgery (We belong to the same church, so he will have to look at me).  He's a good doctor, and a good friend who prayed for Jerry when he was so sick (he told Amberly so on the phone).  

Our doctor is also a good man, evidenced by his adoptions of handicapped children from China and other countries at different times.  The last little boy has only one arm.  He and his wife were not told this until they arrived in China.  His having one arm didn't matter to them, of course.  It made him even more special.  Our church family fell in love with him right away, for no one can resist this wee boy's shy smile.  These children have a wonderful home, and will have wonderful opportunities.  Good people in our world are refreshing.

On a totally unrelated subject, if Butch is posting, I've been unable to find where.  I am worried about him.  Has anyone heard from him? How is our little Lily?

I will continue to pray for you all as you pray for me.   I pray for healing, strength, and stamina physically, and joy and peace for your souls.

Carrie

 

 

 

 


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HI Carrie,

I hope you saw Butch's post.

What a lovely story of Amberly and Jerry Dancing! And I love stories of loving people!  Doug and I have friends who have adopted 12 children with physical challenges—some from land mines—and their home place is a huge wonderland of playgrounds, tree houses, pets, "water features", special ramps and equipment, and a delightful place to visit.  One parent is an MD, the other a physical therapist.  Perfect team!  A few years ago, they flew to Eastern Europe to bring home #12 of the children. The story is simply too tragic to tell here.  But I have watched this child learn to walk, run, smile, play, talk, feed himself, and swim!  And he is growing sooooo fast!  :)

Carrie, you must give up dancing with the trees until you are all healed.  I know how tempting it is to twirl through the forest, though.  

I cannot begin to express how much the test results have lifted a worry from my mind, and relaxed my tummy.  :)  I know G*d and Doug are watching over me, and some of my worry is just residual PTSS, so I know I will keep getting better.

Off to be slothful and stress free and read a bit more of my book.  

I have this special circle of golden light, which is my "Pilgrim's Progress" prayer circle.  You are all in it.  Thank you for your prayers, and please thank  Jerry and Amberly for theirs as well.  

Holding you in the Light, especially Wednesday.  

*<twinkles>*

fae 

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Anne, thank you for the cookie monster.  Even though we talked earlier, I just wanted to say thank you again for all your support and prayers through this latest adventure.

Fae

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Ah, these new beginnings can be tough.  The new diagnosis is cirrhosis of the liver, non-alcoholic, but advanced.  Apparently, this was known after the gall bladder surgery, but no one told me or  referred me to anyone about it.  Now I am doing my own research, finding doctors, etc.

Please keep me in your prayers.

fae

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I am right there with you, fae.  They didn't tell me what I could do about it either, other than to lose weight, which may or may not help.  Trying!

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Kay,

I am finding a lot of resources on line, and also at the moment bugging the hospitalists to give me a referral letter to a specialist so I can get a better grasp of what I can and should do to alleviate and perhaps reverse this condition.  There are some resources on line, but I think I need to see a specialist.

Just got a return call from hospitalists saying that they are now not sure it is full-fledged cirrhosis, but with all these conflicting reports, I know I want to pursue this course of investigations.  Something is most definitely wrong inside, and we have ruled out cancer.

fae

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I wish you the best in trying to get to the bottom of it.  Did you have ultrasounds done?

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:wub:  Thank you.

I am just sort of hanging on right now, but all the reports have gone to a specialist.  There is not a lot to do except try to stay comfortable and hydrated until I get in to see the new doc.  The pain was not so bad today.  I am still avoiding pain meds, but doing a LOT of meditation and reading.

Kay, still hot and very smoky here as well.

I have a vision of us all gathered together, dancing in beautiful, gauzy gowns, among the autumn leaves, laughing and smiling as we sway to beautiful music.  

We are going to prevail.  We will celebrate life and love and our good health.

I think the other test results will be tomorrow as well.  So far, things look good, even if it is perplexing to the docs.  No cancer.  :)  I don't think it is cancer, anyway.  My grandson suggests that I have some worm I picked up in Africa or somewhere exotic.  I had not thought to mention such possibilities to anyone, but it is possible.

*<twinkles>*

fae

 

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Dear Jan, Thank you, dear one.  It is still very smoky here, with visibility down to less than half a mile.  I don't have any tests today, so I am going to make only one essential trip to town, and then stay inside and go gently the rest of this smoky day.  

I hope all is going well in your world.  I imagine the littles are growing more each day.  :)  I know you had a wonderful time.  

I am wondering how Kay is doing with smoke over her way.  I know we are all in need of some good weather.  

Happy Monday to you Jan, although by now, it is more than half over in England.

namaste,

fae

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Smokey here too, fires all over the Northwest right now.  Plus we have an arsonist in the area, has set over 20 fires and no one has caught them, one is blazing right now!  I hope they catch the person soon!

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Dear Fae and everyone, I'm having a brief respite of time alone (I think, given we can't have the one we most want with us, that most of us like to be alone) and then it's visitors until next Monday. My friend whose husband died a few weeks ago is needing company and I sense this may be good for us both. She phoned today to ask if I'd had my afternoon dog walk and if not could she join me. I think this may be good for both of us because she will respect my need for solitude too I think.

I don't want to leave this wonderful forum but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to help new grievers. I haven't got to first base with my own grief, and wonder if I ever will. My friend said she was having trouble going through her hisband's clothes and I after more than three years still have Pete's in his cupboards undisturbed. But I've learnt many things from this forum and one is It is as it is. 

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Hello dear Jan,

I just want to respond to your statement I don't want to leave this wonderful forum, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to help new grievers.” We have said so many times that each one of us is exactly where we need to be in our grief. Many of us are not able to say the right thing to help another griever, but that is okay. We share what we can and let that be enough. I’m sure someone said that to us many times for I find myself repeating it over and over again. There are many different threads on the home page and most of us could not respond to most of them. We do what we can.

I have found that since I’m not a new griever I cannot always respond to those in early grief either. I do find that moving down to the Grief and Loss section I still find value in remaining close to the forum. I do feel that our forum is here for all of us and it doesn’t matter if we only continue to be here for what it is we need.

Grief and Healing in the Afterloss's photo.

You know that there is no time limit on our grief. Those of us who come here because of a loss of a spouse will never “get over” our grief. I begin to understand this from reading many of the links posted here. There is always something though that might inspire me and help me become more accepting of my situation ~ it could be a song, or a poem or a video, or an article, or something someone might say. We do not measure how far along we are on this journey by where someone else is. We are where we are and that is enough.

Please don’t think about leaving this forum because you don’t know how to give feedback to all the new grievers.

Ps ~ I also have many of my Jim’s things in our home and they will no doubt stay.

Anne 

 

 

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Well stated, Anne!  And fae, I would personally miss you if you were not around, even as I miss the others who have quit coming.  Post where you feel comfortable!  There was a time I couldn't respond much to the new grievers, I think that's a phase most of us go through when we're still raw.  In the beginning we NEED to post with those who "get it" and are at the same place timewise, but then a ways out our journey takes us different places.  I've come full circle, and you may or may not find yourself doing so too.  But you are valuable here even if you choose only to respond to some of us "oldies".  :_

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I sometimes feel that we "survivors" of this journey who came on to this path at around the same time are emotionally huddled around Marty's fire, sharing our lives.  We have bonded through this journey.  We have stuttered and wailed our way through the effort of communicating our broken hearts and broken lives.  We have found those who gave us back the same sense of being shattered, in their own words, and validated our pain.

We have been on this journey together, finding bits and pieces of ourselves along the path, helping each other fend off dragons of depression, despair, defeat, and deep loneliness.  We look at each other and reach out a hand, our gesture saying, "Well met, my comrade.  We have made this journey with great courage.  We don't know if it is ever going to be over, but we are adjusting to carrying our hearts in a different way, to walking alone while walking with our Tribe, and to finding ways to mend little edges of this jagged wound that was our happy heart when our Beloved was walking beside us.

I could not give up the Tribe I have found here: you are all witnesses to my walk on this path, as I have been a witness to yours.  We can look at each other and nod our heads, acknowledging that we have made it this far.  We are learning a new form of independence now—one that keeps us standing but also reinforces our feelings of aloneness. I am surprised at how well we are making it each day, how gracefully we are carrying the burden of this grief and the heaviness of this empty place in our hearts.

We are each doing this in our own unique and beautiful way.  It is dancing around the fire, all to the same tune of grief and of celebration of life, but each of us doing our own steps, our own dance, in our own way.  And I am still learning from each of you.  We have not danced this dance before: it is new music, a shift in the timbre of the tune.  And we each hear it in our own way.  There are people who go through life and never hear this music of memory, loss, and courage.  There are people who hear it and walk away from the pain, or drown it in distractions and medications.  We, this little tribe here, gathered around this healing fire, have chosen to walk through our grief, and now, at last, we are beginning to dance a little; to be able to reach out and respond to the music of acceptance.

But still, after all this time, my heart still resonates with the words you share; with the images you create; with the effort I see you making to walk this path. So maybe we are making this music as we go along, this tiny ensemble of broken hearts, each humming, singing, beating, as we create this music.  I don't know if the music comes from G*d through us, or if it is our own piece of the song.  

We have this place to gather, to huddle, to share, and to sing and dance.  I sometimes think it would be nice to visit via Skype, but sometimes I think it would be lovely to write more notes with my fountain pen as well.  The journey is happening, and how we travel on it seems less important than that we are sharing our journeys.  :)

namaste,

fae

more nattering follows . . .

 

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I'm in bed for the day.  The smoke is giving me a tummy ache, the doctors are arguing (really!) about my present diagnosis, whilst knowing it is not cancer, thank goodness!  I am on clear liquids, so indulging in lots of organic chicken broth and clear cranberry juice (within reason) as well as herbal tea and jello.  I am letting my digestive system rest a few days, and then we will see how things are.  The pain is not as bad today.  Pain meds are not good for my liver, so I am avoiding them and meditating.  I also have many books to read.

A friend in Michigan -- climber and artist -- called yesterday to tell me she had a dream about Doug, and had a message for me.  (This is one of the main ways Doug communicates, because he knows I would probably be all objective and dismiss any dream I have myself.  So he sends messages through others, smart guy.)  The message was "rest, let everyone take care of you.  Be patient and heal slowly and well. I'm here watching over you."  So, okay, it is back to clear liquids and rest.  

And having had my lovely lunch of chicken broth, I am going to take another nap while I listen to Vivaldi.  :)

Love to each of you, and of course many flingings of

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I used to always write with a fountain pen!  I love the way it looks, it's so much more picturesque.  My early days of bookkeeping (before computer days) I used a fountain pen always on my books, took pride in how it looked as much as how it balanced.  I don't know what became of my pens.  I do remember I always had an ink stain on my second finger.  :)

How nice to get that message!  I have not had messages, but I know George's love continues.  I guess I am called to walk this journey by faith...which is the same way we started out our relationship...only now, instead of waiting a week until seeing him, I have to wait a lifetime.  Same difference.  It takes the same strength to wait a week as it does a lifetime.  It takes the same faith to know he is waiting for me.  It takes the same core belief to know he still loves me.

fae, I have been learning, learning, learning, about what is healthy for a liver, and what is not.  I am determined to be kind to mine so that in the end, it will treat me well.  Call me crazy, but it's part of my healing process.

My system crashed and I was lucky to recover this, so I think I'll post while the getting is good.

 

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I hope for the best possible outcome for your health.  And I hope your tummy is doing better today and the smoke is clearing.  We are supposed to get the elusive rain we've been awaiting the last three months...we'll see if it comes.  I'm going to take Arlie outside to do a rain dance if it does!

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Thank you everyone for all the wonderful kind thoughts, the healing prayers, and the caring and love.

It is clear air here today for the first time in a while.  The smoke may be back, but oh!, it is wonderful to be able to take deep breaths, to not have stinging eyes and a sore throat, and to breathe the air without tasting it.  Truly a gift!

Still no definitive word on what the heck is going on, except that it is definitely not C.  Probably not cirrhosis, either.  There seems to be some consensus about a small abscess in the liver, and so another shot of strong anti-infection stuff, along with some other stuff to reduce the inflammation.  While I don't like these shots in my behind, I like how much better I feel after 48 hours or so.  For the first time in a while, my liver is snuggling back under my rib cage and the stomach ache is gone. 

I am listening to a lot of guided meditation, eating very carefully.  Kay, I think each of us who is having medical issues is no doubt spending a great deal of time doing research, so no one thinks you are the least bit crazy.  Doctors don't seem to have time to tell us much these days, so we must, absolutely must, become our own best personal physician and health advocate.  Good for you.    I would simply like to have a break from all the medical adventures of the last three years, and to have my body able to rest and heal, without any more challenges.  I am told it can take up to five years to recover from multiple major surgeries and all the trauma, so I guess I will work more on patience.  :)

We are all learning a lot about ourselves: about our ability to survive, to make decisions about our lives and health, how to better care for our bodies and emotional well-being, and how to build new networks of support and caring.  What a challenging and strengthening process we have undertaken!

I am told to begin from today and give myself three months to begin to feel stronger and healthier, because this has been a significant setback.  We all know about those, and about how many different ways those challenges can manifest.  We have a lot of years left, so it is good that we are working to regain good health and to grow stronger.  We will prevail!

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to take care of myself when I'd love to go be with George, I don't have an answer for that except I feel I must try my best, same as my mom did even though daddy died years before.

I'm glad you don't have the C's!  I hope they find what it is for sure then and treat it!  You need some relief!

I'm glad Montana is clearing up, so is Oregon.  We had a bit of rain and that helped.  Praying for more!  :)

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