Facing The Future . . . Sometimes

[feralfae]

Kay, I was just thinking today about how despondent I was when Doug left, and all that was going on.  I know you had some of the same staggering emotional issues to deal with.  I think we must learn again all over how to take care of ourselves, and who we are, and what we need to feel and hold in awareness about our bodies, so we can help with the healing.  They now know that guided meditations for wellness have a significant positive influence on healing.  Sometimes, when I am doing a guided meditation on healing, I am sure I can feel little tingles of energy healing cells and helping to create new, healthy cells as well.  

I think this life is a gift from G*d.  My awareness through my spirit is another gift.  We have the Earth to care for and for our playground.  We have other life forms to observe and learn and teach.  (I am still working on my Raven talk skills.  They are just SO smart!)  I think we celebrate life and share our Joy, our Ananda, when we are living in a body as healthy as we can make it.  I am learning that it is going to take a couple of years for me to get back after all the surgeries and stuff.  But, yes, we must, absolutely MUST do all we can to be our healthiest selves.  I recognize how much I needed my healthy body, even if it is still weak, through this time of great stress from the smoke. The contrast in how I felt with and without the smoke has been remarkable.

The smoke is moving in again a bit, but what a wonderful time it was to have a couple of clear days to feel so much better!  I hope we get some more rain.  I do hope we both get blue skies and gentle rains, alternating, for the next couple of months. This smoke is such a burden for those with respiratory issues already.  I've been wearing a little face mask some of the time when I go outside.  But for now, I am certainly enjoying the good air!    I hope it stays very clear for you.  And for me.    

fae

[feralfae]

Today it has been 43 months since Doug left.  Most days, I still have at least one "flash flood" as memories overwhelm me and the longing becomes strong and alive in my heart.  I just miss him.  He isn't here to share the first aspen leaves turning gold, the first frost in the high country, the calling of the migrating geese, swans, and cranes.  He isn't here to share a plan for our winter adventures.

But I am here, and doing my best to figure out this life these days.  I am reading some books on successful retirement, taking to a couple of specialists (I see a new one this coming week, over in Missoula), clearing more things from the house, selling more books, and doing gentle exercises and walking to begin to rebuild, yet again, from the smoke and this latest round of whatever is going on.  Things will be all right later, I think.  

I drove up to one of our favorite picnic places, but it was too chilly and wet to have a picnic, so I just watched a moose for a while, ate my salad in the car, did not hike anywhere, but had wonderful and vivid memories of the last time we were there, visiting with some people from Kodiak, Alaska and sharing canned salmon, elk jerky, crackers, some nice merlot, and later, some torte au chocolate Callebaut.  

That picnic day, as we were planning our move, we sat there in the sun, with the sound of the creek laughing its way down to join the Blackfoot River, making plans for building the house in Southeast Alaska.  Just soaking up the sun, holding hands, smiling at each other, and thinking about the life ahead of us.  I smile now to remember how peaceful, happy, content, and relaxed we were that day, with an "all clear" from the oncologists, and Doug feeling stronger and healthier.  We were ready for another adventure.  A few months later, Doug was given only weeks to live, and life moved in to another phase for both of us as we began to wring every precious drop of loving and life out of each of those days of his preparing to leave.

At 43 months out, the pain of grief is a lot softer most of the time now.  The tsunamis of tears and emptiness come with less force, and don't last as long.  I am beginning to remember some of the things I used to do that made me happy and that were part of our playing.  For as hard as we worked, life was pretty playful back then.  I may take out the house plans and look at them again.  It is a good house to build, smaller than this one–easier to maintain.  Who knows?

Doug left a lot of lists and things to do, and I am still sorting out and deciding what of those things I can do, and which I need to let go, at least for now.  I know I am at least a couple of years away from full recovery and rebuilding my body from so much trauma.  That is okay and I will take it slowly but steadily, as I have been doing.  Recovery that took a month when I was 30 now seems to take six months.  I am learning more patience and to give more attention to my body.

I wish Doug were here, and I wish life felt whole and happy and playful again.  Some of those wishes will come true.  Some probably won't.  But time is healing and softening the grief, and that is a lot for which I can be grateful.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

 

Dear Fae,

I am thinking of you as you continue on this grief journey you are on. I am hearing you as you talk about the plans you were going to make with your Doug.

You have beautiful memories that flood your heart this day and I’m glad you are focused on them.

Yes, our grief does get “softer” as we do the “grief work” that helps us as the months pass. Thank you for reminding us of that.

Now about our bodies that take a little longer to heal ~ most of us can sure understand what you are saying. Sometimes I have to remind myself to carry my oil can with me when my ‘young’ mind thinks it can do more than it really can.

Anne

[kayc]

Thinking of you, dear fae, on this day of remembrance.

This has been a hard week for me as well...two of my sisters in the hospital as well as my friend, Jim with CHF.  Today I spent trying to find a $4,000.00+ error in the treasury reports...finally have them done and perfect.

I smiled at your watching the moose...I, too, as you well know, love nature and all living things (except the pesky raccoon that keeps getting into things on my place!).  Tomorrow will be time to pick some more apples to take to my beloved horse friends.  

[Wifflesnook]

Dear friends

at last I've got time to myself to catch up. It's been lovely being with my daughter and grand daughters but hard as we've both had an awful cold which has lingered and I'm still tired. Fae I'm reading how you miss your Doug. It doesn't go away of course. I visited our field today which meant so much to us and it's so hard to see the trees that Pete planted grow so much and him not seeing them. But I do feel in a deep down irrational part of me that he knows. I cling to that and know that all of you, whose loved ones died several years ago share my feelings. The grief doesn't go, it just becomes easier to bear somehow.

Jan

[kayc]

I'm trying to catch up, too, Jan.  I installed Windows 10 and have been dealing with problems from it.  It won't let me access, add to or delete my own pictures!  I found a roundabout way to get around it but it's a pain, wishing I hadn't switched, I loved Windows 7.  Anyway, I don't want to get going on Microsoft, I'd be here all day!  

Arlie and I took some apples to the horses, I could have made juice or applesauce from them, but honestly, the horses get so much enjoyment out of them, I don't want to rob them of any pleasure.  

How far away is this field of yours, Jan?  George and I planted some pine trees here, you have to walk down amongst the trees to see them.  They haven't grown very big even though it's been about 13 years, but at least they're still alive.

[feralfae]

I sat in a restaurant yesterday while the oil on the Honda was being changed. I was nibbling on a poached egg and some fruit.  My mind was a million miles away, off in another land and time when Doug was still here and he was just getting back from moose hunting up in the Arctic Circle where he did get a moose.  He was in Alaska, I was in Montana, and we were both excited about the shifting of the seasons, the beauty of the leaves, and the crispness of the air.  That same sense of the seasons shifting is in the air now, again.

As I sat there yesterday, the restaurant music (which is usually a sort of background elevator music) switched and there was a song from the 60s.  Then another.  Then, as I raised a grape to my mouth, the last song Doug sang to me began to play.  I did not cry, because I had asked for a message that things were all right; that he was all right, that all was well.  I thanked him for the song, and then wondered if I was silly to lean so heavily on a simple song.  I mean, any song could have played, right?  

But as I sat there, clear as a bell, I heard Doug's voice and laughter, and he was saying, "Look, I keep sending you these signs, and you keep asking for signs, and I don't know what could be a better sign that our song. I am here with you, babe."

And I would probably not have written this if Marty had not posted the You Tube interview about NDEs and afterlife experiences in response to a query about mediums.  Then, after listening to the interview, I remembered how on Doug's last day, I had to shut out the "noise" from the criminals and not carry it with me in to the room where Doug was by now struggling with his last breaths.  I wanted to hold him and sing to him and help him to leave with joy and love.  I was not going to let their vicious calls upset me when Doug needed me.   And Doug was able to leave with a smile on his face, and  "Oh! Wow!" were his last words as he watched the Angels who came for him.  I am so very glad I was there to help him to leave.  I am so glad I was there to share our love as he was leaving.  

I found out on Monday that some of my medical problems are related to the PTSS.  But I am healing in and out, and I am going to be healthy and strong again.  I know.  This morning, I woke up remembering again those days of playing in the Arctic, and of hearing our song the last time I drove the Haul Road north of Fairbanks, which was after Doug had escaped.  I am still traveling, and these days, I just watch for the next sign post and arrow.  

This is not an easy journey we are on, but the rewards of Faith and Love, and still having the love we shared, somehow make it all worth while.  

We carry on.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Edited September 16, 2015 by MartyT
Link inserted

[enna]

Thank you, fae, for your beautiful openness to what is around you. I do think there are signs all around us and either we choose to accept them or we just need reassurance that they are signs of our loved ones. 

I have not listened to the video Marty posted about NDEs and the afterlife experiences, but I will go and listen now.

I love how more good memories are surfacing for those of us who have been on this journey for a while. It does happen.

My mantra for the last few weeks has been: SMILE for it helps the wrinkles disappear. For so long in my early grief I'd look in the mirror and see someone I did not recognize. Today I'm beginning to see a little bit of who I was a few years ago.

You, my dear friend, have come a long way as have many of us who are still on this forum. I'm still in need of all the "fairy dust" you send along. 

[kayc]

I love your mantra, Anne.

Like you, fae, I know our love still exists, I proceed on faith, the same way our love began, to carry me.

I, too, feel the changing seasons and welcome it.  I've had enough heat for one year and am enjoying the Autumn crispness, the fire in the wood stove, even the bit of rain sent our way.

[feralfae]

I highly recommend the video Marty posted, and to which she kindly linked above (thank you Marty!).  I've already adopted "Tahiti" as my special password for talking about these communications and visits, as well as for NDEs.

(We do tend to get comfortable in our "ruts" and tend to settle in where consensus often leads us.  Doug and I used to talk about spirits building new paradigms of peace.   )

So, the video is about shifting paradigms, or expanding paradigms.  And Tahiti was an unknown paradigm to European culture for a long, long time.  Yet Tahiti existed all that time, but was not a part of our western geography of awareness.  

*<twinkles>*

fae

Edited September 17, 2015 by feralfae

[feralfae]

In my email box this blustery, chilly morning was an email linked to this article:

http://www.emotionalgeographic.com/blog-1/2014/11/23/holidays-and-trauma-holding-both

Which speaks to all of us who face this holiday season with a loss, with that sense of someone missing from the days, and the challenge of holding our loss, our trauma, while also holding the beauty of the celebration with those who are still here around us.  It was just what I needed today, so I thought I'd share it here, because we are all in the midst of the holidays, while needing to honor our own feelings of loss.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

An outstanding article, Fae, which I intend to share with others (already added to Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources 2015). Thank you so much for drawing our attention to this important and insightful piece ~ and a happy Thanksgiving to you, too, dear one.  ♥

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing that, Fae.  I like how she addresses it's not just moving on we need to do, but holding as well.  A friend of mine recently remarried after several years of widowhood.  She married someone with the same timeline as her.  They both have every intention of continuing to remember their late partners and honor them, as well as cherishing each day they have each other.  I think it's the only way to make it work.  

I know someone else who remarried and he doesn't get widowhood at all.  He demands she not have pictures up of her late husband, and never mention him in his presence.  Her late husband is her children's father!  I don't see how she can make this marriage work with such constraints on her, I know I would be unwilling to live with that...and it's very hard for her to do so.

[enna]

Happy Thanksgiving to you also, dear fae. The article was informative. 

[feralfae]

Gratitude and remembering.

Keeping in my mind that I could hold the happiness of the Thanksgiving season, and the sadness of celebrating without Doug, I went into the holiday mindful of my own need to balance, acknowledge, and find a place of comfort for my own spirit.  After a fairly quiet two days of company, too much delicious food, lots of being social, and occasionally taking breaks to send love to Doug, I sat quiet for a part of today, to write a long letter to Doug, remembering four years ago, our last Thanksgiving, when he was here, and we had company, and after dinner the guys went out to sip port and puff cigars, and I stayed inside to clear the table, set out candles, and make some coffee and tea. We had torte au chocolate Callebaut with raspberries for dessert.  It was a warm Thanksgiving day four years ago.  Things were so very different.  We had not quite given up hope, still knowing that miracles could happen at any time, but the surgeon and doctors had been pretty clear after the last surgery that there was not much hope of many more months, and Doug was anxious to get many things resolved before he left.

But we had that Thanksgiving day, and that holiday weekend, to enjoy friends, hold hands, snuggle and smile into each other's eyes, and tell each other of our love.  We had dear friends where with us, patient and helpful to Doug as he did his best to be host through his weakness and inability to eat much.  But he smiled a lot, and told great stories.  

Yesterday, one of those same dear friends raised his glass, and with tears in his eyes, made a toast to Doug, because he misses Doug as well.  It was a touching tribute, and warmed my heart.  I am glad Doug is still loved and remembered by friends here in Montana, and I am sure by friends all around the Earth.

I am so very thankful we had our years together.  I am so very thankful we got to love each other, share from our hearts and spirits, and have this love that is enduring and forever.  Doug's spirit is still with me every day, and I am incredibly thankful for that.  He guides, reassures, and comforts me.  No matter what has happened, he has been here with me to help me to carry on, to help me to hold on to my faith, and to not give up.  His gifts to me are unending and fill me with gratitude for his love and the blessings of his spirit joined with my own.  

In the midst of all the celebration and beautiful tables, candlelight and epicurean-delighting food, I am thankful I have such beautiful memories to sustain and strengthen me.  Even while the sadness brings tears, the memories and the loving presence I feel always in my heart, speaking spirit to my spirit.  I am sustained by those days and hours we share with each other from the depths of our being.  I am most amazingly blessed to have such a love in my life.

 

Blessings to us all.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Oh fae, it sounds wonderful, that Thanksgiving with Doug!  I'm glad you took some time after TG for solitude.  I've had plenty of solitude as I've been sick for a month.  I am slowly improving but way too slow for my liking!

I understand what you mean about having such beautiful memories to sustain and strengthen you...that is what gets me through life, that and my furry family.

I feel the same, blessed to have ever known such love!  Most never do.

[feralfae]

And here's another really good one about 

 

Leaving an Old Identity Behind

 

It helped me to recognize and think with more awareness about the process of becoming, and the state of emotional and identity limbo that accompanies these shifts in who we are, have been, and are becoming.  

*<feralfae>*

 

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Fae

thank you for that wonderful memory of your last Thanksgiving with Doug and pointing me to that email which I didn't read until now. I've been reading Pete's journals from 1989 and reliving happy memories which I can bring into the present to enjoy. I'm thank ful for the fact that he wrote them and now I can read and remember. I still have to live on in the present but it's ok to take the past along too. 

[MartyT]

What a beautiful and insightful piece of writing that is, dear Fae (Leaving An Old Identity Behind). Blessings to you for finding it, and thank you for sharing it with us!

[kayc]

It has been a long time since I was George's wife.  At some point when I was unaware, I left my old identity behind...it must have been so gradual to have not noticed it was happening at the time.  I fought against it, esp. in the beginning.  But little by little we become more and more aware that they are gone and we are alone and we incorporate changes into our lives accordingly.  Even if it means taking the trash out now when they'd always done it.  Even if it means dining out alone sometimes.  We take those big steps and in so doing, we are leaving our old identity behind and creating a new one.  But I also recognize that our old lives with them will never be completely gone, because they left their mark on us, by touching our lives in such a way that we are never the same again for having known them.

[enna]

"The me-that-I-was needs to give way to the-me-I-am-becoming." A quote from the article you posted, Fae, reminded me that we are not who we were when our spouses were alive. I am still the same person, but I am different. I am in a place where the memories keep me focused on what I had. It takes a while, but the good memories surface and I am so glad I have them. Almost daily I recall something about my Jim that brings a smile to my face. 

[feralfae]

Life keeps getting better.  I am healing.

And things are just falling in line like a wave of synchronicity sweeping down the river of time with the tide.  

[feralfae]

 

Maybe some day, when I retire, maybe I'll write a book about it all.  This has been almost a four-year saga, but I think it is over now. And here is what I know, for sure, and it does not matter what the comparison:

 

G*d is (the) Good

and

Love

 

is

 

STRONGER

 

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

 

 

[kayc]

I'm glad you feel you're making some headway, fae.  

[feralfae]

Thank you, Kay.  I am grieving a lot healthier as I heal from the medical and psychic traumas, and that makes a huge difference.  My emotional balance is returning, as is my physical balance, and my psychic balance.  Belleruth Naperstek and my wonderful healer here have been remarkably effective at helping me put myself back together.  The other day, it felt as though some special piece clicked into place, and that now I can stand back and admire the new creation and get acquainted with me.  

I hope things are going well for you over there.  Is it snowing yet?  I know it is due here, but only snow in the mountains.  We are due for rain down here in the foothills.  I have had a super busy couple of weeks with clients and art.  Today, I am resting and letting my body rest from a bit too much exercise and moving wood.

And it is a beautiful sunny day for taking a wellness day: sunshine, warm, breezy.  A good day for kite flying, actually.   Hmmm . . . maybe I will go on a picnic to one of Doug's favorite places where we could sit under the huge trees, near the creek, and listen to the water gurgling.  It is really warm here. Down on the lake, there is a little breakup, with ice ridges piling up toward the western shore.  But I know in a few days the North Wind will remind us that it is winter in Montana.

Is everyone about ready for Christmas?  One of my fun projects this week is to send out Christmas cards, and I love taking the time to write personal notes, think of the person or people who will hear from me through the card, and how wonderful it is to have friends and family, tribe and community.  

namaste,

fae