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feralfae

Facing The Future . . . Sometimes

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fae,

Snow is on its way, should have it Thursday night or Friday.  I'm going to try and make my way to my son's today, but there's a lot of flooding so I may not be able to get to his house...it's a long ways to go to "try" but I haven't seen my granddaughter for two months and it's going to start freezing at night and once that happens I can't go overnight, and of course it's too far to go over and back in one day as I can't drive at night.  Winter is starting out tough with high winds, flooding, snow, freezing at night, not conducive to going anywhere!

I got my pipe fixed from the freeze we had two weeks ago, had the plumber out Friday.

I'm ready for Christmas, but may spend it alone, my daughter hasn't called me back and my son & DIL never come here anymore.  They're having a dinner at the museum so I may go there with my neighbor.  It helps to get out.

I'm glad you're doing so much better!  Enjoy doing your cards, I always enjoy that too. :)  So many people have dispensed with that tradition, it's sad.

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Thank you Kay,

Although my health is better, and many things are going far better than I could have imagined, the absence of Doug is hitting me hard today.  When I go out to the garage, Doug's work bench, with his tools, is there.  Everywhere I look around here, from the benches to the gardens to the bird feeders -- all are reminders of Doug's creative and loving work and his presence, his consciousness, his hands, and our life together.  I keep crying and having moments of being almost paralyzed with missing him.  I know we are all going through this same feeling of being left behind, and so much longing to be together again.  The holidays seem to hit the hardest as I unpack decorations, thinking of past holidays when Doug was here.  I am smiling through tears right now, remembering our first Christmas together, when we found the tallest tree we could fit in the vaulted living room, and loaded it with ornaments just because we were so happy being together.

So, this evening, I am going to light a candle and let myself hold and gentle my grief while I write in my journal and remember, remember, remember.  There are so many good things in my life, and I don't mean to dismiss all the blessings, but for a while this evening, I need to let myself grieve and feel this flood of sadness that my magnificent husband is no longer here with me.  

 

namaste

fae

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That is kind of how it is, isn't it...we have good days and hard days.  Most of George's things are gone now, any tools that weren't stolen at his workplace, I have passed on to my son, our trailers too are gone, but here and there are still some things...his hat, his trinket holder...there is no way he could be erased from here, because even the beloved nature and deer and hummingbirds seem a part of him.  This place is full of memories...

I hope you hold yourself close and gentle tonight...

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I truly love what I have read here.  

It is now about eight months down the road from the last posts and I'm hoping Fae, that your journey has continued to improve.  

It has only been 7 months since the loss of my husband but many of the thoughts and feelings I'm having sound similar to your experiences.  I am grateful for all my husband gave to me, our years together and our son being the greatest.  I am very grateful for the emotional security and memories, and for the material things I am thankful as they have provided me with a home and the necessary things for me to continue living.

The dark times are further apart, not constant now.  They help me to see all of the things that I can be grateful for.  If this pattern of my journey can continue to evolve as time passes I believe that I can do my husband proud.  I need the strength to advocate for survivors of suicide.  It is time for the world to recognize that suicide is the result of an illness.  It is not illegal, not something that is contagious, selfish, or evil.  It is wickedly cruel to shun the grieving because of the stigma surrounding suicide.  We do not hurt less than the friends and families whose loved ones died from cancer or any number of other diseases.  It would not be humane to shame the child whose father was killed by a drunk driver so why are we, the family and friends of a suicide, shamed?  Ignorance!  

Enough of my rant.

May we all be blessed with good health, peacefulness and joy.  We will never forget our loved ones and there will always be dark days, I hope those days are few.

Marita

 

 

 

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today, or rather tonight at 10:20 PM, it will be eight years since Doug escaped from his cancer-infested body that no longer worked for him. I have taken the day off from everything so I can just think about Doug, our life together, all we enjoyed and learned from each other, and all the great things we did together.  I still miss him every day, and think about Doug a lot each day. My home and all the things he did in and around the house remind me of him.  My desk and my art remind me of Doug.  When I step out into the garage and see his work bench, it reminds me of Doug.  My own life reminds me of Doug, because he is no longer here physically to be a part of this life. 

But I am making it. This weekend is training for Destination Imagination assessors (I am one of those) and next week is a meeting with other anthropologists/archaeologists as we prepare a resolution to our governor about destruction of sites prior to proper assessment of those sites. Most states have a fairly strict protocol, but somehow, Montana seems to have adopted a very lax set of standards, resulting in the destruction of many sites by contract "shovel bums" who have not a clue... 

But today, I am watching videos of Doug, going through some photo albums of our climbs and other adventures, reading some of his beautiful love letters to me, and just letting myself indulge in the happy memories while holding our love in my heart. 

When Doug left, I never thought I'd live through his absence. Now I know that I can survive even losing Doug, although it still hurts and sometimes still brings tears and sobbing. But he is still worth it, and so am I.  My mother's death brought up many of those same feelings of loss, but I have survived her leaving as well. But Doug's death was such a huge loss that nothing else compares. 

Life can seem very dark and shadowed when our beloved leaves us here and goes on.  But we can make it.  I have not felt my heart sing the way it did with Doug, but at least now it hums sometimes from the joy of life. I think that will only get better. I still feel Doug here with me often, especially when I have big decisions to make or am feeling very alone. And life keeps handing me lovely surprises. I know now how much I have been loved and am still loved by Doug, as I read his notes and letters, watch his videos he made at my request, and walk though our forest he tended so carefully.  I remain surrounded by his love, and always will be until we are together again. I am wonderfully blessed to have been the one he chose. I am wonderfully blessed to have shared my life with him.  And I am going on, living the life I want to live, and doing the things I want to do. I will always love Doug, and his spirit will live always in my heart. I have survived and I carry on. Peace to us all. *<twinkles>*

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Sometimes we are really enriched to meet someone special...as is the case with getting to know you, dear fae.  For all that blessing, I wish you did not have to be without your Doug.  You make the best of everything and make your life count, but I know there's that gaping hole inside of you where he is missed...I know because I have one like it.  (((hugs)))

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Fae, Thank you for sharing everything you have with us. On the 16th of this month, I will be experiencing the fifth anniversary of my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  I didn't think I could survive for a day or a week yet here I am. I share the same sentiments that you have expressed... and still we continue on the path laid before us.  I appreciate you and many others that helped, listened, and encouraged me. Thank you - Shalom (Peace)

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George, I am so very sorry you have lost your beloved Rose Anne. I will be thinking of you on the 16th.  I hope it is a day of peace and love for you. Yes, under the care of our Creator, we somehow carry on, on the Path where we are led.  Peace to your heart. *<twinkles>*

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Dear Kay, thank you for your very kind and caring words. I can feel their warmth, and know these words come from your heart. Your presence here is a gift of comfort to us all.  Thank you for your loving compassion for those who are grieving.  I know you carry your own empty places, and that only makes your words mean much more.  Much love, *<twinkles>*

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Dear Marty, 

♥️♥️♥️  right back to you and Much love *<twinkles>*

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