I Am All Over The Place!

[LoriM]

I am simply all over the place these days. My grief has taken a hold of me and I am just one brain fog mess My husband passed away in March, he had cancer for over 3 years, and I was the only caregiver, two children, homeschool mom. Yes. When I write it, even I get overwhelmed. Oh, did I mention that both parents have passed, and there really is no family. Yes, friends, but you know, they have their own lives.

This is my life. I sit here today with over 3 years of caregiving and watching my dear husband suffer. He was the love of my life and I saw him suffer and die. Then I came home alone, the next day having to tell my kids on the couch that daddy passed away, their cries will sadden the depths of my heart forever, then planning the memorial, then soon after my 9 year old son having such a difficult time with anger that I had to take him to a behavioral center for help, then I had to put him on meds which was a difficult decision that I had to make on my own, of course. I can't even walk down my stairs and look at our family pictures, and I can't even look at photos of my husband when I am alone, because it hurts too bad. I am carrying loads of tears from my children, and I have to take my grief in very small pieces, Along with this, I can't sleep until after 2;00 because somewhere in my brain it associates it with the time I came home after my husband died. This week I had a few hours to deal with paperwork, bllls, phone calls, etc and just stared at the computer. Literally stared into space. I couldn't remember what I was suppose to do and just couldn't grasp the order and details of things. I forget things, I can't remember how to get to places, I feel so crazy. I think I might have early alzheimers or something or maybe this is the grief. I have to much to do. I also have so much to learn. How can I learn when my brain isn't working? My husband took care of the computers and cars and big things. I had to install this box thing to get my internet to work and the tech on the phone told me to connect it to the router. I almost had a breakdown. What the H is a router? I just keep moving, taking the kids to their classes, and doing my best. Oh, and I smile, yes, have to smile when someone asks, "how are you?" I hate that question. As far as talking to someone or venting, I want to and then I think, "no, there is nobody" I mean, anyone that would understand. I miss my husband so much that it just aches. I thought he would be with me until we were old. I am angry that there are old people holding hands, and that's all I wanted. I want to scream to God, "LET UP!"

Oh, and today, when I mentioned something to someone about my foggy brain. They were trying to be helpful, but then "advised" me to volunteer at a homeless shelter or adopt a grandparent. I am sorry, I am all into volunteer services, I have done it all my life, serve. How in the world could I give one more ounce of myself? My kids need me and geez, I have a mountain of "to do's" and I can't even think. I think that innocent comment really set me over the edge.

[Suitearia]

Lori

I am SO sorry for your loss and all that you are going through. My husband died May 1st and while we didn't have young children I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling; especially when you said that you just star into space, when you just want to scream, and how it feels to see old couples walking and holding hand. I wanted that too ...

While I'm still in the early stages of my grief too; I would agree with you that that innocent comment probably triggered your grief attack. My boss sent me flowers yesterday. It was just "I'm thinking of you today. Have a good weekend" and I stood there with panic rising in my throat and thought OMG ... and I freaked for awhile then when I logged off of work I just went into meltdown mode. I think that how you feel and what you're thinking isn't alzheimers but a lot of stress, emotional pain, and plain grief. It must be so hard for you with children that are also in pain.

I know that the more advanced members here will speak to you and encourage you ... and from reading other posts (and my own) that they will encourage to seek out some grief counseling.

Please know that I heard your pain and send hugs to offer you some silent support from afar

[Froggie4635]

I read so many posts and want so much to offer comfort, but I, too am in the midst of my grief journey. It is just over 6 months Mark is gone, and most times it feels like it just happened. During the week things are much easier to deal with. I have my routine: get up, take care of the dogs, get ready for work...put on my brave face and try and focus best I can to do my job - stressful days or too much gets thrown at me and I want to run. I come home, take care of dogs, eat something and most evenings just crash on the couch and escape into television. The weekends I go from project to project, walk around the house a lot. My friend comes by most Saturdays and it is another distraction for a while. Most times I am simply functioning. Sometimes I really feel like I am wallowing, but many people on this site tell me that it is NOT wallowing...that my life as it was is gone and that I am just trying to find my way, and that it is not easy and that I need to feel my feelings, whatever they may be. There are MANY wise and helpful people on this forum, and can help and give comfort and let your thoughts be heard. This is a journey that has NO rules or instructions to follow. It is one that has to be done alone, but that does not mean we cannot have company and support as we make our way.

[iPraiseHim]

Lori,

I am praying for you as well. My wife passed in February. She was disabled for six years and then died suddenly. I too, found my wife dead, when I came home from work. It was totally unexpected. I can not unsee that. The feelings you experience are normal in the grief process. I'm honored to read your post and how you are taking care of your children. It's okay to be angry at God. I met my wife much later in life and expected to live happily every after into our sunset years. I'll be praying that you find your way. It helps me to come hear to read about others going through this grief. It is a club no one signed up for yet we are bonded together. Few people in the world understand the pain and loss we experience. Come back and share here. It is safe and there is so much good genuine support here. Please know we care. Shalom

[feralfae]

Dear Hearts,

I am so very sorry for the losses you have had. What a painful and difficult time this is for you, as you slowly face this new reality of your life, and search for ways to ease the pain of your grief.

My heart is going out to everyone here, because I do remember how it felt those first few months, that first year, and even the second year after my darling wonderful husband Doug left. Now it has been more than three years, and while I am "functioning" pretty well out in the world, in my studio, and with friends and community, there are still days when I simply melt down.

Early on, it is entirely normal for us to be in such a fog that many things slip past us. We are numb, and that is for a good reason. Being numb allows us to "dose" the grief and its pain and emptiness so that we can slowly come to accept this new reality. We need to have the fog, the numbness, and the sense of being a bit separate from what is going on, so that our heart has time to find a little bit of balance in this dramatically shifted life.

It takes time to heal a broken heart, and what could break our hearts more than losing our beloved? I simply cannot think of anything else in life that has ever sent me so deeply into pain, grief, a sense of being lost, and feeling that my heart was no longer working. Even as I write this, I am crying. The difference now is that I know these are normal, healthy tears of grief, and that the crying will not last a long time, and that soon, in a few minutes, I will be able to gather myself back together and go on with my day. But the first year and longer, I cried for hours, sobbing until I collapsed in exhaustion. Everyone has a different experience with grief, and yours is unique and your own special journey.

We are each on this grief journey because it is absolutely necessary for our survival, for our spiritual healing, and for our own rebuilding of a life that will be different than the one we had. But while it will be different, we will always carry in our hearts the loving Spirit with whom we shared this life.

It does get easier over time. The pain softens and we learn to carry our grief with more grace. We begin to see the clouds moving, hear the birds singing, smell the flowers blooming, and smile at the laughter of children again. It just takes time.

I am so very glad you have found your way here to this place where we share our grief journeys, discover that we are normal, not crazy. Grieving, not lost. In deep pain, but not without hope. It does get better. It does get easier. But for today, honor your grief, give yourself as much loving compassion for your broken heart as you can. Take very good care of yourself with healthy foods, lots of clean water, plenty of rest, and the company and emotional support of friends, family, support groups, counselors, grief counselors, and also reading books and articles that Marty recommends. There is a lot you can do to help yourself and to help find your balance. Give yourself as much loving care and support as you can. I know how much life can hurt right now. Honor your pain, and find ways to alleviate it when you can. Funny movies are a good distraction, as are books and music.

Love and take care of yourself. Love yourself as much as you can. Ask for help. Reach out for hugs and emotional support. Come here and unburden your broken heart. Know that you are not alone, and that while you may feel that way, their loving Spirit is still with you, and your Creator has not abandoned you. Take time to pray, to write in your journal, and to sit in peaceful meditation. It takes time, but your mind will clear, your heart pain will soften, and life will slowly become more bearable.

I wish you peace and healing, and send many blessings and some *<fairy dust>*

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[enna]

I too wish to reach out as my friend Fae has done to all of you who are in early grief. A few of us have been on the journey you are on right now and we know how "crazy" it all seems. One of the most important things we can do is tell our stories. This is a safe place to do that. There are no judgments only care and love sent your way.

This I address to Lori and it can apply to each one of you,

You have touched on many things that are completely normal in grief. As a caregiver for my beloved Jim for five years, I can understand many of the symptoms you are describing.

I am so sorry to hear that your dear husband has died. Both you and your children are in early grief. Not having young children at home now I cannot imagine how very difficult it must be for you. Our children are very resilient and just as adults they too will need to grieve for their daddy.

Right now as you mentioned the “business” part of the grief has to be taken care of – bills, insurances and so many other expenses and you are in a protective mode from your grief. You not only have yourself to care for, but you have your children.

I do hope that you have sought out a grief counselor to help you with this transition. It is so important that the children know that it is okay to be angry that their father is no longer there with them.

It is so normal for you to be in a fog right now. I can remember that the least little thing sent me into a flood of tears and most times I couldn't even remember if I did something or not.

I am sorry to hear that there are some who make suggestions to you like perhaps volunteering would be good for you! You are not ready to volunteer right now for you have enough on your plate. People’s comments are said in good faith and most don’t have a clue as to what you are going through.

There are so many excellent websites that can help you understand what your grief journey will be about. It’s taking one day at a time ~ it’s knowing that everything you are feeling is normal. You are not “going crazy” ~ you are grieving.

One of the sites that I found to be of help to me can be found here: its author is our own moderator, Marty, and she has solid information to offer.

The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/course-52.html

It is also in book form:

Finding Your Way Through Grief: A Guide for the First Year

http://www.griefhealing.com/finding-your-way.htm

There are many different ways we can help our children. Art therapy is not only good for us but excellent for children.

Anne

[kayc]

Yes, this is the grief, you do not have dementia. The fog will clear but it can take a while. You've already been given much information to peruse and digest, so I won't add more just now, but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you try to function and take care of your kids. I hope you will get help with your grief, finding a good grief counselor and seeing a doctor at this time can be of tremendous help. Try to take care of yourself, eat healthy, drink lots of water, no alcohol, take daily walks, many find meditation helpful although it can be hard to get into at first (start with brief ones).

I hope you will continue to come here and post your thoughts, feelings, experiences. All of us collectively help each other and Marty is a wonderful Mother Hen.

[Dew's Girl]

I hope you find some comfort here, as I have. There are many wonderful people who have been through this and understand.

From my experience, only a few months longer than you, on this road I will say that it is just really important to give yourself some grace and do little things that bring you comfort.

I know it is cliche, but like they say on the airplane before it takes off, in case of a crash you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you will be ok to take care of those that depend on you.