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Speaking the Pain

I woke up this morning without any real motivation for the day. I stared at the ceiling, then pushed myself out of bed. I felt longing, aching, vacancy. I went downstairs and sat on the couch and read a little. One of the things I read is that if you present yourselves to others as being "alright," they will be comforted and you will turn to stone. What you experience must be felt and acknowledged.

So I sat down on the couch, I closed my eyes and just started breathing. Every breath contained pain and loss. I wanted to hear Chloe's footsteps, her voice, her laughter, her hug. I just said what I was feeling, that I felt so sad without her, I didn't know how to make it to the end of this life. Then the tears came. After that I just sat and talked to her. I talked about letting her physical presence go. I said I could let her go but I still needed her in my life.

It is hard to be in this place of no control, no power. It just happened and no button I push can bring her back. It's just done.

Honesty and tears released the aching from my heart, giving me a renewed motivation for the day.

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I remember when I lost my George...I could not imagine living another forty years without him. Through this journey I have learned to take one day at a time, without contemplating the whole big future. To think of all of the tomorrows alone, it's overwhelming. Today I can do.

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