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Existing After Loosing The Love Of My Life...

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I found this page when searching for comforting material online...I really enjoy browsing through similar experiences, pain we are going through, but mostly the positive and uplifting comments on this site . So I have decided to write too because I believe getting your emotions out to the world helps us all in the grieving process.

I lost my partner S. 52 days ago from cardiac arrest. 40 year old healthy man "fell asleep" in the car on his way to work. If I knew that day before he left for work, that that was our last kiss and last hug I would never let him go.

It's been a taugh journey since he left. I feel like part of me is gone. But it's ok as long as this part of me missing is with him. We were so close and honestly never fought. He was all and more that I ever dreamed of. I'm trying really hard to accept the fact that he is not physically present anymore but found a lot of comfort in learning about life after death and believing that he is still here just not the way I was used to.

His absence is killing me!What kills me also is that all my beliefs, theories are gone. I don't know what to believe in anymore.

In short... I left my country at early age, worked hard, adopted to the new culture, educated myself and always believed in being a good person. It wasn't easy but I did and was really proud of myself. Found myself in a abusive relationship, got out after two years. A month later my ex commited a suicide. Left everything on me to handle, his parents were not involved in his life. A lot of stres but I managed it.

Two years went by and I met a love of my life S. I was so grateful that he showed up and daily told him how much I appreciate the smallest things he did for me. I thought to myself, all the hard work and drama I had before was worth it if I had to go through to meet the love of my life. I was always very positive and always looked for a bright side of life events. Always said that I became who I was ( after S. death I am not who I used to be) because of my life experiences and didn't regret anything in life even the most painful moments.

S and I had a perfect relationship, I had absolutely nothing to complain about. We had the basics such as respect and honesty and we had it all. We were happy doing whatever just to be together.

I truly just exist since his passing. I do believe we will be together again when it's my time to leave this place but am so looking for him to communicate with me. Maybe I am wanting it to much, but believe this will be a major breakthrough for me. I want to live for him because I know that would make him happy but it's so hard. I isolated myself from people. I just get irritaded with comments like "It will get better with time."... I don't need to hear that right now so I feel better just being alone.

Books, articles online, spiritual movies have helped but this site is simply awesome. I am so grateful to all of you for sharing your pain, comforting words to eachother... I got to realize I am not alone and I THANK YOU FOR THAT!

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I hope you have read the threads in "loss of spouse/partner" section and will post there because many there don't venture to "loss of love" section because it's often due to break up rather than death and it's a different experience than their's...I want to make sure others see your post so they can respond appropriately.

Yes, this site is a life saver, it has been to me, and we'll be there for you as you walk this journey, if you want us to.

It's common to feel your beliefs, etc. are now in question or challenged. I don't look at that as a bad thing, but it's reaffirming once you've come through it. Different people have different spiritual beliefs and we don't try to sway each other here, but it's okay to talk about too.

I'm glad you found the love of your life, I'm just so very sorry you lost him so soon. I think the grief/loss we feel is in direct correlation to the depth of the love we experienced. To me, it is the price I pay for having loved so deeply, but worth every moment we got to spend together, I wouldn't change a thing, I just wish it could have been longer...but then I guess we always feel that no matter how long we shared, be it two years or forty.

I think the "it'll get better with time" means, for me, that the level of intense pain doesn't continue in this intensity, we couldn't withstand that for a huge period of time, but we gradually adjust as it sinks in, and we do get better at coping with the changes...time alone does not heal, but the effort we put into our grief work does help us. This is a place where we help each other on our journey, we share feelings, mindsets, attitudes, pointers, and it all helps little by little. The people here are the silver lining that have helped me along the way.

I, too, was one of the lucky ones that had a super relationship, and I miss my husband as much today as I did the day he died...we may get better at doing this new life that is ours, but the missing them goes on and on...

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Kayc, thank you for your response and thank you for redirecting me to the right threads.
I couldn't agree more with you that the grief /loss we feel is in direct correlation to the depth of the love we experienced. I am just still in such a disbelief. I am totally ok at times and wonder how I do it and then it hits me like crazy again and I feel guilty for being ok, like I am betraying him. I keep convincing myself that he would want me to be happy just to get through the day.
I keep wondering and am looking for answers but realizing that all my questions will never be answered.
What's the point of loving, getting attached? What's the point of loving so deeply when at the end one will be hurt? :(

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I don't know except I would not have had it any other way or missed one moment of the love I had with George, even though it ended in my pain.

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