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Lost My 3 Year Old Son In A Tragic Accident Two Months Ago


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Hello. I'm new to this site, but I have found several of the topics and postings very helpful. I lost my 3 year old son in a tragic accident 2 months ago on July 12th. It has been a devastating time for my family and me. We are all grieving in different ways, so that makes it even harder. I do go to grief counseling and a compassionate friends group for parents who have lost children. I guess I'm looking for anyone else who has been in my similar situation, and experienced a sudden accidental death of their completely healthy, vibrant child, and how you have been able to pick up the pieces and go on with your life, when that child was your life. I was a single stay at home mom and he was my everything.

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I am sorry you lost your child, there are others here who have lost their child and they should be on shortly to respond to you.

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Thank you. It is very devastating, as is any loss of someone you love. I just feel so bad for him because he never got to experience so many things. My heart aches for him and all that he is going to miss out onion life.He was so full of life, so happy, so perfect.

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I am so very sorry to learn of the tragic death of your precious boy, dear one, and I'm sure your heart must be broken into a thousand pieces.

It's good to know that you are seeking support through grief counseling and with The Compassionate Friends. You deserve all the understanding, compassion and support you can find.

You've asked about meeting others in a similar situation, and I want to introduce you to Maria Kubitz, another of our members who four years ago lost her 4-year old daughter in a tragic accident. You can find a list of her posts on our forums here ~ but she is also a beautiful writer who blogs at her own Alive in Memory website. You can find her on Facebook too ~ although right now she is in Dallas, Texas to present a workshop at the 38th national conference of The Compassionate Friends. As a bereaved mom, Maria may be further along on her own grief journey than you are, but I'm sure that upon her return, if you decide to contact her you'll find her to be a kindred spirit who has so much in common with you. Meanwhile, know that we welcome you here. We are holding you close and wishing peace to your broken heart

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Thank you, Marty, I knew there was someone else, just didn't know who/where to find her. There are a number of us who lost a baby before they were born (or stillborn), but that is a different experience than having gotten to know them and then have their lives cut short. It's all heartbreaking.

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Hello there. I'm so sorry that you lost your son. I did too. I lost my 15 year old son Matthew Jan 26th, 2015 and my infant daughter Erin Nov 24th, 1987. The fog of life right now is very exhausting and consuming. You are wise to go to counseling, and I pray that you find compassion and good advice in both places. I promise that it will get easier as you learn to live without him. I know it seems impossible right now though. I still have impossible moments and impossible days, but they aren't crowding out my life as much as they were at first. Along with losing my son, I lost nearly every friend that we have because they 'just don't know what to say' and over time decide to just keep us out of sight and out of mind. It's heart wrenching and aggravating. I hope that you don't experience the same thing, but I have learned that it's common. That's just one of the surprises that I didn't expect through our loss of Matthew. Prayer and faith have helped us tremendously, as well as getting back to work and exercising. Some days I can only fake it in public, other days I'm ok. Grocery shopping, well... all shopping is very hard on the heart. That was a surprise too. Avoid it when you can, and when you can't - buy a lot so you don't have to go through it so often. Places where families are can be tough as well. Keep that in mind when you choose where to sit in a restaurant, or at church, or wherever. Feel free to message me. God Bless.

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Thank you so so much for your response. I cannot even imagine the pain of losing two children. You really must be a very strong soul. Your message spoke right to my heart and resonated so deeply with all that I am feeling and thinking right now. I plan to message you privately.

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Dear ones, this article by psychologist and bereaved mom Dr. Joanne Cacciatore was posted on her Facebook page, and it made me think of you: Beautifulness

I worked with a grieving mother this morning who shared her feelings about what I call 'wearing the mask of happiness' on days when she really didn't 'feel' happy. She felt social pressure to pretend, to "just think positive thoughts" and to "reach for joy" from others' admonitions. There is a certain liberation in authenticity, a certainly beautifulness in being-you-to-fullness.

I share this piece in memory of her son, Chance, and the love they continue to share.

*****

A Wave of Surrender...

(When) my beloved child died,

I was catapulted into dark, deep waters where waves of pain crashed down upon me relentlessly. Grief, like a powerful rip tide, ensnared me and then carried me far from the familiar shore. I could no longer see my home between the waves that hammered me, and I fought for even a glimpse of the recognizably blue sky. The waves persisted ... and tumbled me, over and over and over, disorienting and confusing me. All was darkness and panic. I fought it. Occasionally, I would reach the coveted surface for a desperate, gasp of air only to be wrenched back under moments later. Grief filled my lungs. I would not survive the crashing water by resisting. I knew the fight against it would be hopeless. My only home was to surrender.

And so I surrendered.

Like any good surfer knows, there is no other way to survive this type of Herculean force. Thus the surfer mantra: Surrender to the wave.

So, too, it is with the waves of grief; and the battle, which I could never win, ended. I allowed the waves of grief to take me adrift to unfamiliar shorelines and places of discomfort. I became one with both the quiescence and wild motion of the waves. I was mindful of grief‘s proclivities to ebb and flow, tolerant of its unpredictability, patient with the bitter taste it left in my mouth; and in exchange, it became kinder to me. We became cautious comrades. Eventually, as does the rip tide, the grief released me to the shore. It spit me, grateful, from its jowl like Jonah from the whale’s rancid belly, and I found my way back home. But the places I had seen while on my unintended and uninvited journey would change me forever.

This was how I survived in those early months and years. I allowed myself to just be. I stopped questioning myself – my emotions, my tears, my thoughts, my rituals, my wishes, my suffering, my sanity- and I let it be. There was a certain peace that followed my decision to surrender. I no longer had to pretend to be “fine, thank you”, and I would no longer be the elephant at baby showers where only miracles are welcomed.

I no longer punished my failure to complete grieving within the allotted three-month time period by subjecting myself to the insufferable insensitivity of others. I could relinquish the rehearsed smile and perfunctory joy-hugs and, instead, acknowledge my ongoing sadness, isolation, and despair. I could be- me.

Here I am, 14 years later, and filled with gratitude for having surrendered to grief. My daughter’s life was worthy of every tear I shed into my ocean of pain. Her death was worthy of armistice with grief. Our love was worthy of a moratorium on 'normal' and 'status quo'.

Simply, she was worthy of whatever time and space I needed to mourn her physical absence in my life.

I am still, on occasion, overtaken by the tidal waves of grief. I don’t fear their arrival, and I am more prepared, now, to be transported to distant shores. I carry her flag with me as I travel, plunge that flag deep in distant sands, and I hope to help others along the way.

I am stronger and have faith that I will survive and learn and grow from what comes next. But I need to be me, truly me, in order to trust that process. This is the gift of surrender: a deepened sense of authenticity and trust in myself.

And now, I really do trust that the waves will release me, as they do, and I will come home once again for all my life.

-- Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, written in 2008 for my special little girl.

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I want to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss as I'm new here, just found this forum. I will say that I wish the internet was around like it is now back in 1993 when I went through my loss.

My heart aches every time I here of a young child that is suddenly taken from us. I feel you are doing what you need to do, reach out to others who have been there, Talk about your feelings, as I know it is so very hard to do. I know that I felt so alone in my grief and still do at times. I lost my daughter on June 15, 1993 when she was 3 just 2 weeks before her fourth birthday. I had dropped her off to the baby sitter so she could go with her older sister to the city pool to watch her learn to swim. 45 minutes later I got a call to go to the hospital, as they found her floating face down 8 feet away from a life guard/ They had sent her by care flight to Children's by the time I got there she was gone,

I know we never think anything like losing our child will ever happen.

I'm a grieving father, as father's we don't talk about our feeling as much as we should but I'm the exception. I just want to say that I'm always here to talk or help anyone in any way I can. I have walked so many paths over this time.

My blessing go out to you.

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The mask is for the benefit of others. Only wear it when you must.

When grief demands to be heard - listen - cry - remember - grieve - give it the time it demands - a half hour is sufficient - then go back to the real world until it visits again.

If I ignore my grief it knocks louder and more often than it should. Too much.

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Rick, welcome here and thank you for sharing, I know it's painful. It does help to have a safe place to share where others understand and don't expect you to wear a mask.

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  • 3 months later...

I was seeking for a group like this to talk about my loss.  I have seeked counseling and plan on attending the compassionate friends meeting.  I have not been able yet to talk to someone with similar problems.  I recently lost my 18 months old daughter from accidental drowning in our rental home with a pool on September 22, 2015.  I have been in pain since her death.  I am full of guilt because I went searching for her and found her floating in the pool.  She does not know how to open doors yet and the patio door is too heavy for her.  She just started learning how to walk and was still stumbling around. I was cooking dinner when suddenly I felt strange that my baby was missing, that feeling that your child's presence is not home anymore. I checked with my grown up children and she was not with them as always the case.  I knew then where to find out.  With the patio doot closed, I saw her floating body in the pool.  I ran and jumped in even though I did not know how to swim. She had fallen on the deeper end.  My husband was cutting grass and he ran in and did CPR immediately.  911 came and took her to the ER.  

She did not make it....since then I am full of pain, guilt, anger at God and myself...I cannot sleep well and wake up with tears.  I have been praying to God and to my baby.  Her name is Harmony.  I have so many questions...how did it happen? Why did I not look sooner? Is there really a place call heaven? How long will this pain be in my heart? Our family is not the same anymore.  We are talking and supporting each other instead of blaming each other, but just so many painful questions left unanswered.  I have suffered grief before but losing my baby was the worst...it is like no other and no words can describe it.

 

a lonely and sad mom just missing her precious child that I never imagined losing so early...I did nothing but research about toddler drowning...it has been a relentless journey so far...

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Welcome, Charlene.  I am so very sorry to learn of your tragic loss.  Losing a child has got to be one of the most painful experiences in life.

You ask if there is a heaven.  I believe so.  We do know that energy doesn't die, it just changes form, and it's been well documented that there are "after life" experiences by those whose heart has stopped and been resuscitated.  I am one of them.  The experiences relayed by those who have been through it are so similar, it can't be discounted.

There is information posted about this elsewhere on the forum, I believe in "Loss of Spouse" section.

The leader of our pack here is Marty, she is a trained grief counselor, and she also knows what it is to lose a child.

I strongly urge you and your family to get grief counseling.  With something this deep, it's necessary to have someone guide you through it that knows what they're doing.  If you had a critical injury, you wouldn't try to heal yourself without seeing a doctor, would you?  You've had a critical trauma to your soul, and need someone who can help you learn how to heal.

The pain can lessen with time, but the missing them never seems to stop.  It's been ten years since I lost my husband and there's never a time when he's far from my thoughts.  I talk to him, think about him, cherish our memories, and reach down deep inside of me when I need his comfort and encouragement.  He was my soul mate and best friend, he was everything to me.  I look forward to being with him someday, whatever form we're in.

Harmony is a beautiful name.  I am glad your family is supportive of one another, blame does no good anyway.  Usually it's just an avoidance technique because a person can't handle the reality.  Try to just take one day (or moment) at a time and know that whatever feelings you experience our normal for grief.  People have similarities in their grief journey, yet at the same time, everyone's grief journey is unique to them.

I long ago learned to quit questioning...I didn't seem to get any answers to them.  Life has tragedy and sometimes it seems to happen without rhyme or reason.  There isn't anyone pushing buttons that says your time is up.  There isn't anyone to blame.  I guess I've learned to change my questions to a "what now" but right now is probably too soon for you to be there.  It takes time to process this, for the shock to subside, and to learn how to adjust to a life thought unfathomable.

It helps me to understand that the person we lost...still exists.  It's like there's a veil between us so that nothing is the same as it once was, but at least they exist.  I can't touch my husband, I can't talk over my day with him (or if I do, he can't answer), I no longer enjoy what we once assumed would continue long into old age...but he didn't simply just stop being.  

It helps to memorialize the person, to honor their existence by creating a memory place for them.  When my little sister's baby died (she was one month shy of two years), they purchased a fountain in her memory.  Some people create a spot in their house with pictures, an urn, etc.  Others a garden.  Everyone chooses different, whatever way is meaningful for them.  Sometimes it takes a while to think of what you want to do.

I'm glad you found us.  There are a lot of caring people on this site who have been through loss of someone they never thought they could live without.  They will be along to post, little by little as they discover the new entry.  Some people don't know what to say, even if they're close to you, but that doesn't mean they don't care and feel deeply for your pain.  My heart goes out to you...the journey may have just begun, but you will get through this.  It does help to express yourself, verbally, in writing, art, whatever your expression.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Kay

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Thank you, Kay! I have been going over and over the accident in my mind...

My older kids reserved an area for Harmony.  I love gardens and she loved my yellow flower tree, so I am going to create a garden just for her.  My children has been seeing a counselor and I have been on a weekly basis.  My husband does not feel like talking to one yet, so he has been talking to me instead.

Harmony was the youngest.  My oldest is already 23.  So, Harmony was a blessing for everyone in the family. Thus, her death was very shocking and painful for us all.

I am happy to hear that you are doing well with the loss of your husband.  My husband is my best friend as well, so we share a lot together.

I hope to find peace within myself along this long journey. I have been talking to Harmony every morning and night, as these times are the ones when I miss her the most when I hear her voice waking me up and when I am tucking her to bed.

I feel that there is something, an energy there after death.  I felt it when she passed away that night, that feeling where someone said something is wrong.

Her death was just so tragic and heart wrenching, as I found her lifeless body.  The images just will not go away...maybe there will be a day in the future where I can tell the story and not cry...

Again, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I continue to research and read about these tragedies to help release my pain.  They have helped, especially your suggestions and tips.

Charlene

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Charlene, my dear, I am so very sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the life of your precious daughter. Since you're posting in this thread, I hope you've read through all the other posts above your own, and will take the comments and suggestions of others to heart. There is nothing we can say right now to ease the pain you're in, but I hope it helps to know that here in this safe and compassionate place, we all care for you and we are with you as you find your way along this difficult path. 

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I am glad you and your children are seeing a grief counselor.  Perhaps with time your husband will consider it as well.  Men seem to want to be stoic, it's hard for them to bare themselves...but I think that's why they sometimes have the harder time with it.

As Marty said, there are a lot of posts here from others who have lost children, it may help to read them, to know you are not alone in how you are feeling.

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Marty, that is a truly amazing article. I can't tell you how much of it was right on point. Every single thing she said, is th absolute truth, and she conveyed it so articulately. Thank you for sharing!!

The last month has been excruciating for me, as the reality sets in that my baby is not coming back in this lifetime. With the season change and all of the holidays he enjoyed most coming up, it pains my heart that he will be absent from our family gatherings. It's is going to be difficult, being the first holidays without him. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. 

Xoxo

image.jpeg

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I want to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss as I'm new here, just found this forum. I will say that I wish the internet was around like it is now back in 1993 when I went through my loss.

My heart aches every time I here of a young child that is suddenly taken from us. I feel you are doing what you need to do, reach out to others who have been there, Talk about your feelings, as I know it is so very hard to do. I know that I felt so alone in my grief and still do at times. I lost my daughter on June 15, 1993 when she was 3 just 2 weeks before her fourth birthday. I had dropped her off to the baby sitter so she could go with her older sister to the city pool to watch her learn to swim. 45 minutes later I got a call to go to the hospital, as they found her floating face down 8 feet away from a life guard/ They had sent her by care flight to Children's by the time I got there she was gone,

I know we never think anything like losing our child will ever happen.

I'm a grieving father, as father's we don't talk about our feeling as much as we should but I'm the exception. I just want to say that I'm always here to talk or help anyone in any way I can. I have walked so many paths over this time.

My blessing go out to you.

Thank you Rick for your encouraging words. It is surely not a path any of us would have chosen, but one we now have no choice but to live. Where there was once so much joy, hope, and excitement for the future, there is now a void empty where it once overflowed with joy and happiness for what was to come.

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All I can say is, what a beautiful child!  Your heart is surely broken.

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