Calico Rose's Visit With Vet On 8 July 2015

[Copperpot]

How is Callie doing?

[LadyCarrie]

Hi,

Thank you for asking about Callie. I'm not exactly sure how to answer, for we are bouncing from having hope to having little hope to have her a while longer. She does well right after her water by bolus treatments. She's needing them two to three times a week now, and she's beginning to fight treatment due to pain. They get so they hate bolus treatments (understatement). Being sick and sensitive make the needle sticks and "cold" water feel unbearable after a while. If she can tolerate the treatments, she can have more time with a reasonable quality of life. She still enjoys some things (laser light; walks in the Hollow with me ~ some days), but we see her changing.

I didn't think I could even write at this time, but I find that I can today. Amberly is home, sitting on the floor in our bedroom, and holding Callie in her soft, velvety blankie, which she loves dearly. Amberly was supposed to work ER today, but stayed home to help Callie (and me; I got myself in a knot, and had bladder spasms yesterday; Callie and I are sharing a bottle of Mylanta).

Callie vomited three times during one episode during the night, so we took her to the vet's office this morning. The treatment didn't go well, and she begged for it to stop during the entire time. Without the treatments, we will lose her soon. She's tiring of them.

We are at a hard, hard place. Our days are filled with emotion. We don't want to make mistakes, and fear we will. There seems to be no way to not have (more!) remorse, regardless of our decisions. Our hearts are breaking, for this is as good as it gets for Callie.

We don't know the right time to stop the water therapy. We are struggling with our feelings of desire to save her life "at all cost," knowing that we are only postponing the inevitable. We do not want to say "When" for Callie; instead, we want her to say for herself, as Ashely did. We aren't positive, but she may have said "When" this morning at the vet's office. She cried and shook through the treatment. The needle slipped out, and she had to be stuck twice (18 gauge needle; big). She bled on Amberly, and on her towel. The decision to stop would be easier if she didn't do so much better after treatment. We know we won't be able to keep them up much longer, for that would be unreasonable and wrong ~ but what is "right"? We will definitely continue giving her the antibiotic injections (Amberly can give those at home, the vet said), and buprenex for pain.

On a lighter note, I'm happy to report that Callie ate her turkey and carrots (put through the blender) after her treatment today. We are vegetarian, but I'll catch her a pig, if she wants one.

Blessings,

Carrie

[enna]

Oh Carrie,

My heart hurts for you, Amberly and Jerry. Thank you for sharing this painful time with us. We are all interested in how Callie is doing. I am glad that she feels better after her bolus treatments. I am right with you about giving her whatever she wants and will eat.

I hope you know that we hold you in our hearts during these very tough days.

I can just see her following those laser lights.

Anne

[LadyCarrie]

Thank you for your words and kindness, Anne, and thanks for being you. Thanks for holding us in your heart.

Callie does look pretty cute chasing that little red light. Her legs are so short that when she makes a fast start after it, she goes nowhere, and just splats herself into the floor. She picks herself up, and sets out after it again -~ again and again. She thinks balls are for the unsophisticated, but the laser light is worth risking her dignity for. Because her legs are so short, she's not the most graceful little girl, but that's all right. It adds to her charm, and has given us lots of laughs over the years. We could always tell by the look on her face that she thought Ashely and Beauregard were being stupid for being so danged happy to retrieve balls for us every time we threw them. I declare she'd sit on the couch, look down her nose, and narrow her eyes at them. Amberlys laughing, because she knows that disdainful look.

Carrie

[Copperpot]

I am not sure what to say, I have never faced what you & your family are facing w/ Callies continued care. I know it must be such an emotional drain, even if it is one you are more than willing to bear. It sounds like Callie is really lucky to be surrounded by so much love & support. I wish her & you guys as many happy, carefree moments as humanly possible!

[Kacy]

Carrie,

I'm so sorry. I truly understand what you are going thru as what you are describing is what we went thru with our little shih tzu, Kacy. I don't know if it would help but I can offer a few suggestions. We used to warm the fluids by putting them in a sink filled with warm/hot water for about 20 minutes or so. And also, we used a smaller needle (can't remember the exact size now as it's been 5 years). Of course, then it takes longer but seemed to be a bit more comfortable. Our vet suggested doing fluids every day but that is not easy, as you said. They do feel so much better afterwards though.

I'm not sure about the Mylanta. Here is a link that suggesting it is too high in magnesium:

http://www.felinecrf.org/nausea_vomiting_stomach_acid.htm

Maybe there are other options. I didn't read the whole page.

It's a very difficult decision you are facing. I did have the normal guilt afterwards but as I look back, I know it was the right thing to do. So hard at the time though.

Will keep everyone in our prayers.

Mary

[kayc]

Oh Carrie, my heart goes out to you and your family, and esp. to Callie. This is the hardest thing to go through, make decisions, watch her suffering. I pray she finds some relief soon. How long does she have to go through the treatments?

[LadyCarrie]

I just lost what I wrote, so I'll try again.

Good morning, Carrie, Mary, and Kay (and to all❤️),

It's all right, Carrie, that you don't know what to say. We don't either. We vacillate so often that what we say may not be what we think within minutes. Part of the reason for our vacillating is Callie goes from eagerness to play to appearing about to die quickly. This is typical of kidney disease. Your caring is quite sufficient, and we thank you (all) for it.

Mary, you are right about the Mylanta, yet it's recommended by her vets at this stage. We can't get pill form meds into Callie due to her mouth pain and to her mile-wide stubborn streak. Even when she was younger and not so sick, we had to pass a long path of razor-sharp teeth from the front of her mouth to her throat, and she aimed to make our fingers look like soaker hoses. Amberly and I are both good at doseing, but whenever possible, we learned to go for liquid meds for Callie. Doxies have long, narrow mouths that are chock full of teeth like a small alligator, and they do not submit easily. A Doxie is to dog what Siamese is to cat. Getting chewed up several times a day caused Amberly and me to submit instead of her. She's the only one who ever "won" the Battle of the Pill over us.

Thanks for the idea of warming the water, and I'll ask Amberly if we can use a smaller needle since water isn't viscous. I've wondered why such a large needle has to be used. I think it's because many, if not most, dogs are scared and fight the treatment, so perhaps it's better to just get it over. I like your idea of the smaller needle. I think it's certainly worth a try with Callie. In truth, I think with Callie's terror and sense of self-preservation, she'll fight us hard regardless of how we do it.

Cats tolerate this treatment better than dogs. I wonder if I can convince Callie she's now a cat. No, I didn't think that would work.

One of our vets told us that Doxies do not tolerate boluses as easily as do most other dogs. Our Callie is a strong-willed child about this. I can't even blame her.

I think I'm a Doxie when it comes to needles. At age nine, I crawled over every row of seats in our elementary school auditorium, with a teacher at each end trying to grab me, when the county nurse had us all lined up in the aisle to vaccinate us. I smelled alcohol, a kid screamed, and I bolted. I heard one of the teachers say that they would get me when I went to the cafeteria for lunch. I didn't eat lunch that day.

I was a biter, so I identify with Callie (when you're the youngest and littlest of seven kids, you learn to use your teeth; that's my defense anyway). She just purely can't help herself. She thinks she's fighting for her life, and we can't explain. During her last vet visit, the vet asked sweetly, "Don't you wish they could talk?" I said, "No, not right now. You don't want to know what this girl is saying to us." Amberly said, "You'd be asking for soap."

Kay, there is no end to these water treatments. They are keeping her alive. When she can no longer tolerate the boluses, she will likely die within days to two to three weeks. The last days will become progressively miserable as she becomes more dehydrated. At the very end, she will have horrific seizures, unless we euthanize her before seizures commence. This is the terrible way of kidney disease.

Callie has encephalopathy, which is caused by KD, and it causes her to behave strangely at times, and more so as she becomes more dehydrated. Toxins build up in her blood, because her kidneys can't filter them out. This causes personality changes (e.g. she will threaten to bite, and she's always been so happy and sweet; give her a bolus, and she's more herself again; we do our very best to choke back sneezes when we're holding her, because she's always thought they were rude noises). Because the water is keeping her alive, it's so difficult to withhold it. We must withhold it at some time, because the kidney disease will progress no ,after what we do. It's maddening.

May I please scream, "I hate kidney disease" with all that is within me? I do scream that a lot in my head.

Again, I thank and love each of you for caring and for your compassionate hearts.

Carrie

[enna]

Love is love and we all do have such love for our precious furbabies. I am so glad we have this forum to share our stories. Pain is so much easier to bear when we are able to share it collectively.

Anne

[MartyT]

Yes, Anne ~ and Carrie, you have our permission to scream ~ right out loud. ♥

[kayc]

Carrie, I love your sense of humor, and yes, it sounds like Callie must have taken after you. ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Forum Family,

You are right, Anne, in saying that we all love our fur babies, and in all you said. It is because of our shared love that we feel a kinship with each other, and understand each other's joys and hurts. I am indeed grateful for each of you, and for this forum.

Thank you, Marty, for permission to scream out loud. I sometimes feel like I'm about to "bust" (due to Jerry and babies), but have yet to find a good place for screaming. If I scream inside, I'll shatter Jerry's nerves and he'll call our doctor; if I scream outside, "they'll" come and haul me off. Thank you for providing a place for me to scream with words. I'm a bit reluctant, because my words will cause others pain. I really don't want to do that.

Callie has yet to bounce back after her bolus yesterday. She seemed more energetic after we got home from the vet's office, and she enjoyed her turkey and carrots. She ate very little breakfast today. For lunch, I offered her almost the same meal as she had for lunch yesterday, because she likes turkey a lot. She refused the turkey, but enjoyed her fresh carrots and a couple of bites of yellow squash. She refused her mashed potatoes. Like with Ashely, her food now tastes like the horrible taste that stays in her mouth (I'm told this, and that she's associating the food with the nausea, so avoids it). I can only imagine, for her breath smells horrible. I do hope I'm not being too graphic. I'm writing as I think.

Callie's lying in my lap in a towel, and she feels so light. She's supposed to weigh nine and a half pounds; not eight. She's not moving around. She's just sleeping quietly.

Neither Amberly nor I like the look in her eyes today. Her eyes look sad, and she just wants to be held. As I told Amberly, it's possible that by tomorrow, she might want to eat, play, and go for a walk in the hollow with me. It is possible. Perhaps she just needs time to rest after her traumatic experience at the vet's office yesterday.

Each of us here knows what it's like to ride the rollercoaster called Grief. I'd say I want it to stop and let us off, but when it does, we won't have Callie with us.

Blessings,

Carrie

[Copperpot]

I am so sorry to hear Callie had a rougher day. I know these treatments & the worry have to be wearing you all down. The rollercoaster can make you feel like you are going crazy. At least it does for me. I am so glad you still have the blessing of being able to hold her. These moments mean so much in the long run. Sending you healing prayers tonight..

[Marj37]

Carrie - kidney disease is just so awful. I know the fluids can help them a lot.

And it is so wonderful Callie loves to be held.

Being a cat person I only know they usually hide when they are in discomfort. So I'm happy to hear she will be happy being held. Let that give you a teeny

bit of comfort in this journey.

My prayers for you all.

[kayc]

Poor little Callie. I had a medicine that did that to me and I can relate, I'm just so sorry. I hope tomorrow is a better day for her.

[LadyCarrie]

Callie ate her lunch after the third menu I offered her. Chicken has always been her favorite food, so she ate 2.5 ounces of chicken and one bite of potato. I'll call that a meal. I couldn't get her to do much more than soak her tongue in the water though. She did drink a little, perhaps a half ounce.

I think I told you that the toxins are causing her to have some strange behaviors such as threatening to bite anyone who approaches whoever is holding her. Today, she stayed in her bed under the light underneath my desk while we ate lunch. I thought she'd want in my lap, but she wanted to sleep in her bed instead. After I washed dishes, I came back toward my desk intending to hold her while I work at my computer, but she wouldn't let me get close to my chair.

She sat in her bed with her cutest look on her face ~ the one she used to have when she was a puppy ~ the one that made us fall in love with her at first sight. Her head was cocked to the side, and she just looked at me sort of inquisitively until I'd try to approach. I think she recognized me, but I'm not sure. She seemed to say, "You look nice enough, and I really don't want to bite you, but you must not come any closer."

I sat in Jerry's chair at the tea table a few feet away, and tried to appear non-threatening. I glanced at her rather than look directly into her eyes and waited. Dogs often take offense, or feel challenged, by a direct look into their eyes, especially if they're "weirded out." She finally rushed at me as though to chew a hole in my leg, but didn't attempt to bite me after she reached me. Instead, she wagged her tail, and I picked her up. It's like it didn't even happen now.

Carrie

[kayc]

It makes you wonder what's going on inside of her. I'm glad you were able to pick her up.

[Marj37]

I"m also glad she was happy to be lapped on you.

[LadyCarrie]

Callie threw up her supper last night, along with two square, flat, dark charcoal-gray rocks. Within these rocks were what looked like even smaller, finely-ground white/light-colored rocks. We haven't seen such rocks in our yard, but there must have been two. There is no explanation for rock-eating, except she's a Doxie. I've never known her to eat one rock, and certainly not two. She hasn't been in the yard alone in at two weeks. These rocks are a mystery.

Callie appears to have gone off her food. She has refused everything I've offered her since supper last night. She did drink some water today. She's begun to have clear diarrhea as of this afternoon, but in tiny amounts since there's nothing in her stomach. She's urinating, but not a lot. There will be no more boluses.

Because we need a good vet who we trust to be on standby, we tried to reach the vet who came here for Ashely in October. She is out of town until August 4! Our vet who we've liked for decades is still unavailable, I think. He was as of Saturday anyway. We like the vet who is taking his place, but we don't know how good she is for what we need her to do. I hate this SO badly that I'm struggling to not even write the word.

Callie is uncomfortable, but mostly just sleeps. She's not in agony. I'm trying to arrange things so she won't become in agony, or have seizures, yet keep her until we must let her go.

About 2 p.m., I carried Callie to the Hollow intending to take her on her/my favorite trail around the property one more time, for other than laser light, this is her very favorite thing to do. When I stood her onto her feet in the Hollow at our starting point, she sat flat on her bottom, and couldn't even begin. I picked her up, and she snuggled her head into my neck. The bright sunlight made her keep her eyes nearly shut to totally shut while we were out. I carried her and talked to her about many happy memories we've shared as I walked our trail for us both, with tears rolling down my face as I tried to sound happy for her. She looked around enough to know where she was part of the time. I found a place at the end of the Hollow where I could hide from Jerry behind some cedar trees and cried. As sick as she is, she tried to comfort me, which grabbed my heart hard. I brought her back inside, and put her in her bed to rest.

About 5:30 p.m., I took her out again. I had not intended this, but she seemed more alert. It had cooled down, and the sun had dipped below the tops of the tallest trees, shading a 12-degree incline driveway (think treadmill) that she and I use as our workout (she always thought it was a game just for her). I took her back to the hollow, which is always our starting place, and set her onto her feet. This time, she was interested, and could stand up on her wobbly little legs. She really wanted to take her walk, so she tried hard. We very slowly walked down the trail in the hollow, across the yard, and even climbed the driveway, except the highest five feet. She walked back down, and to the steps that lead to Jerry's office, and said, "Pick me up, please." I was quite surprised that she even wanted to finish our walk as usual. I gave her much praise, and she wagged her tail. She was proud of herself, as she should be.

As I brought her through Jerry's shop, she seemed happy to see her other bed, toys, and familiar things. On a whim, I reached up and got the laser light from a shelf and let her see it. She got so happy to see it. I set her on the floor, and turned it on. She chased it part way across the room and back, and told me that was enough fun for the day.

I offered her water, but she refused to drink. And still refuses water and food.

Thank you all for hearing my heart, for I hurt. We are all hurting in the Hall household tonight.

Carrie

[Copperpot]

My heart literally aches for you. Those tender moments you shared in the hollow. Its enough to tear anyones heart to shreds. So, so many tearful prayers for you tonight..

[LadyCarrie]

Thank you so much for caring. Callie's getting worse, and in pain. Given buprenex. Amberly's crying her heart out, and now, I just found Jerry in another room blowing his nose. She went from walking our walk to pain within a few hours. Prayerfully, the buprenex will cause her to sleep until morning.

[Kacy]

Carrie - keeping Callie and all in our thoughts and prayers!

Mary

[kayc]

Praying for you. I know it's hard. Poor Callie.

[enna]

Keeping you in thought and prayers. Those of us who are pet lovers know the pain of losing a pet member of our family.

Did the bu prenex help Callie?

[Marj37]

I'm glad you are keeping us informed.

Love to your household