Calico Rose's Visit With Vet On 8 July 2015

[LadyCarrie]

Dear all,

Thank each of you for your kindness to my family and me, and for your prayers.

From the beginning, we had two vet's who told us they would come here when we told them that it's Time. We learned our first choice will be away until August 4. We called the second choice, and her tech said that she is out of the office. There wasn't a chance of her being called at home. We've called the vet who has been in Hawaii, and although he is in his office, the tech will only leave messages on his desk. Amberly called his office again, and pleaded with the tech to just tell the vet and that' it's Callie who is suffering. She said that she would tell him, but he has a full schedule. She said that we could bring her to the office and wait. Callie cannot endure that. Amberly told her that Callie screams in pain when we move her, or even touch her ear (literally). The tech said, "Oh, you're requesting a house call. He will call you sometime after 2:30." It is now 5:10.

We are giving buprexex, and dissolved Valium by syringe. This helps, but not enough for this death to be easy. I tried so hard to keep this from happening. Unlike Ashely, Callie "crashed" suddenly.

I trusted that at least one of the two vet's who said they'd come "whenever" we were ready to do what they promised. Callie let me know When, but there was no help available. We called when we realized Callie had gone off her food. I believe we called at the right time for Callie; even so, our worst kidney disease nightmare is happening. Because Callie screams at the lightest of touches, there's little hope her death will be easy. Amberly and I anticipate she will die screaming. This time yesterday, she had her walk. It's been over 24 hours since we've been trying to get a vet here.

Our programmer is here, so he took Jerry to the surgeon in Modesto to get his stitches removed, and to check a lump Jerry just discovered in the tissue of his right breast ( ! ). I could hardly bear to let Jerry go without me, yet I couldn't leave Amberly alone with Callie. I told Mark to not leave Jerry's side until he brings him home to me. If we can't get the vet to come tonight . . . Well, I don't even know how to finish that statement.

This one is going to be hard to deal with. Right now, I'm just trying to hold myself together, for at any moment, against all I believe is right, I may need to take a crying Callie to a vet ~ somewhere. Perhaps to Modesto, and they won't allow us to even stay with her there.

Vet on the phone now. He's coming now. Dear God, I can't bear this

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Truly, God is SO good. He answered our prayers. We can hardly believe that considering Callie screamed even to have her ear touched even after vet got here, and was awake looking at us, Callie went to Heaven to find Ashely easily. This is all I can write for now. Must go to Amberly. Pray for us, please.

[MartyT]

Carrie, I'm so very sorry. Of course you are in our prayers tonight ~ and may your beloved Callie rest in eternal peace until you meet again at the Rainbow Bridge . . . ♥

[enna]

Only sadness for you, Jerry and Amberly tonight. I am glad Callie is no longer in pain. I believe Callie and Asherly are happily reunited.

You will see them again. Keeping you in my prayers. Hugs to each one of you dear Carrie.

[Copperpot]

Carrie, I am so so sorry for all that you have gone through with all of this. You have done right by your doggie & I believe she is with Ashely & my Chester somewhere wonderful, chasing her laser light. The Lord is with you, he grieves with you. We are here for you, whenever you want to share. Many tears for you tonight ? I am praying!

[Kacy]

Carrie,

I'm so very sorry. We are all crying with you.

Your beautiful girls are together again. Will keep all of you in our prayers.

Mary

[kayc]

Carrie, I am so so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with your family today. I am relieved to know she went peacefully and is once again with Ashley. I know the pain that remains is yours and Jerry's and Amberly's. Please let us know when you know more about Jerry. I know it was a hard night and today not much better, I pray for peace for all of you and that you all realize you did the best you could for her.

My love,

Kay

[LadyCarrie]

Thank you all ~ each and every one ~ for your kind words, which I just read to Jerry. We both are crying tears of gratitude for your care and friendship.

Callie is on her way to the crematorium to be cremated this afternoon by the person who cremated Ashely. She's a tender, compassionate woman. We are blessed to have her. She was particularly kind to us with Ashely, for she knew Ashely died too soon and suffered greatly due to the actions of a vet who allowed his ego to override his good judgment. The vet who came here to euthanize Ashely told her the truth on him when she brought Ashely to the crematorium for us.

This day is a HARD one, for sure and certain. We will get through it, and will feel relief when we get Callie back home where she belongs. She will take her place beside Ashely and Catey Elizabeth on the bookcase in Sonspot, a small sitting room that joins our bedroom. They're in plain sight from our bed. They'll be home together, as they've been all their little lives. We hurt so badly, yet we are at peace in our hearts and minds.

We choose to forgive the vets who failed be here as they said they would. They could have prevented Callie from suffering and seizuring through the night when the streets are rolled up in our small community. We suspect the tech never told our vet Callie was suffering, for he is so tender-hearted that I've seen him cry when he euthanized a dog one Christmas Eve (not ours). If he knew, yet didn't come, perhaps he had another emergency, or a series of them (surgeries?), at the same time. Perhaps the vets had good reasons for not coming that we aren't aware of yet. They are both good people. One is out of state on vacation, we think, and that is certainly understandable. Forgiveness is a conscious choice of the will. We might hear the echoes of the Bell of Hurt and Anger still ringing, but those will fade in time. We know that Grief, Anger, and Fear are an unholy and ugly trio who will insist on visiting us for a while. Love is more powerful, and will boot them out at the right time for us.

Amberly just texted that she's seen Callie just now, and that the vet's office did an excellent job. They put her in a curled, sleeping position like normal, and wrapped her in a floral pillowcase. She's wrapped in her own blankie she loved so much. Amberly says that she feels better after seeing how professional and compassionately she was wrapped. Her name is printed on her and her container in full: Calico Rose Hall (not her full registered name, but her family name; this is as we wanted it). Amberly said, "She looks so sweet," and that she couldn't hold back her sobs. She spoke with Jackie, the one who will do her (private) cremation. Jackie remembered Ashely, and all that happened to her. She assured Amberly that she will take very special care of Callie as well, for she understands how we love our girls. We've lost them both in nine months. It just seems impossible. How quiet our house is without them. We must give Beauregard extra attention, for his life changed yet again also.

Warm hugs to all, and may the Lord be with each one. He understands our pain, for He suffered far worse pain than we will will ever need to, and for love for us all.

Carrie

[Marj37]

Love from my heart to yours. Such beautiful care you took of your special Callie.

I'm happy for you that she could leave from home.

A hard time of mourning.

Your friends are here.

[MartyT]

Carrie, my dear, your precious heart and beautiful soul shine through in every word you write. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us at a time when I know your heart is torn in two. You lift us up with your lovely spirit. Blessings and peace to you, to Jerry, to Amberly and to your beloved Beauregard. ♥

[Copperpot]

It is so sweet (terribly sad) but sweet how carefully you have handled every aspect with Callie. Even the cremation. I did not know anything about private cremation etc. we said our goodbyes to Chester & just left him there. I know exactly how you feel about forgiveness with the vets. I am still trying to get there with our vets & even with myself. I liked your words about grief, anger and fear being an evil trio that will mess with you for a while. Very well said. perfectly sums it up.

[kayc]

Carrie, You are indeed a precious soul, forgiving and kindhearted. I pray you feel some relief when Callie's ashes are back with you, in her home.

[LadyCarrie]

Again, I thank each of you, and each of you is precious and dear to our hearts. This has really been a hard day. Some days are "difficult." This one is just plain "hard," but nothing like yesterday. Gully-washing tears day. Waves of hurt wash over us as we remember. I found Callie's yucky KD food in the refrigerator door, and that made my breath catch.

Amberly has Callie now, and will be bringing her home with her after work today. I'm anxious (not meaning eager). I want her home, yet I dread seeing her in such a little box. That's going to tear our hearts in two, but then relief and a sense of rightness will come. This happened with Ashely, so it's what we expect, and hope for. Amberly said that Callie's engraved plaque will be ready next week. She and Ashely are in identical cedar boxes, and Catey is in a slightly different style of cedar box. Catey Elizabeth died on 4 July 2000, just after the births of Ashely, Beauregard, and Callie in San Diego. We really hope Beauregard will stay with us for a long time, for its difficult to think of our being Doxieless.

Jackie gave Amberly Ashely's paw prints today. I had left them at the crematorium on purpose, for I cannot look at them yet. I don't want to see Callie's either. Amberly feels differently, so I asked her to put them away for me for now. What comforts one, can bring pain to another, but you guys know this already. I didn't ask for the paw prints to be made, but bless Jackie's compassionate heart, she made them as a gift for me. Someday perhaps, but not today.

Amberly said that she's not her best with her patient care today, so she's delegated a lot of it. She'll need to pull herself together before Saturday, because she's scheduled to work ER this weekend. If she is unable, she won't do it for the patients' sake.

A good friend reminded me today that Callie has lived fifteen years. And the point is? He didn't mean any harm, and I'm not angry. I can say hurtful things in ignorance also.

Kay, you asked about Jerry. The good news is that both lesions on his neck were basal cell rather than squamous cell. The surgeon doesn't believe the lump is serious, but wants to watch it for a while. He told Jerry to "quit playing with it" or "nothing might turn into something."

Jerry got my text telling him that the vet had arrived just as he was going into the exam room yesterday. When the doctor asked how he was, Jerry handed him the phone to read my text. The doctor said that he truly understood the hurting, for he has experienced it. Jerry was his last patient, so he pulled up a chair and visited as his friend for about an hour.

When Jerry got home from getting his stitches out, he told me that he had asked the surgeon to give me a call at home to give me his report, because he himself wouldn't understand it. Jerry told him that it might be a good idea to wait a little while before calling me after the vet left. He asked Jerry if he should wait for a couple of hours before calling. Jerry said, "If you don't mind, that would be good." I looked across the living room to Amberly and said, "He has no idea what he's asking." She smiled at his innocence, and agreed. Jerry said, "Is there a problem with my asking?" He got concerned he'd done something wrong. I told him,"Doctors don't do that anymore." Jerry sees him as his friend who happens to be a surgeon, so didn't realize he had been presumptuous. He not only asked him to call, but at about 6 p.m., he asked him to wait two hours so as to not disturb me. I cringed, although the doctor has been a good friend since the 1970s. The doctor called me from his home. I asked Amberly to take the call for me, because I wasn't doing so well right then. He said, "Jerry told me to call, so I'm calling." He was very sweet. He asked Amberly, "How are you, Dear?" He's known her since she was a kid. There wasn't a lot to report medically, so he talked about our loss of Callie and work and such for a while. He told her that he agreed with me that Jerry should soap the area where the lump is, and check it only once or twice a month. Amberly told him that "will be rough on Daddy's OCD." He'd noticed that Jerry was unstable walking yesterday. I was concerned about him going without me. I was so pulled. He decided with me that I needed to stay with Amberly.

We had planned to transplant three maple trees that have grown in containers for a few years today since we have help this week. I feel like I have just have to go "somewhere/anywhere" today, or "do something," but Jerry doesn't feel well. My way to help myself was to go dig a hole (a BIG hole), and plant something (have grief-weak, but restless legs; can't stay still). I thought it would be good to get Jerry outside also. He said that he didn't feel up to it. I had it all organized. I asked him if he could walk to the yard just to supervise. He tried, but couldn't. He said that he will try again tomorrow.

His equilibrium is bad. Amberly told me last night, and again this morning, that she is worried about him. Grief is making everything that hurts him hurt worse. He lay on the couch most of the day, except to eat his lunch. He couldn't stay awake. Maybe tomorrow will be better for him. I did walk around the front yard for a few minutes, pulled three weeds, and sat on the front deck for a few minutes and let the sun bake me a bit. What I need is a good 90-minute massage with hot packs.

I am dreading going down into the hollow again. I must meet this challenge soon. I'll likely be all right after I do it. Beauregard thinks the entire yard is his, and it was through his benevolence that he permitted Callie and me our special trails. He also thinks all the strawberry patches are his, although we planted them years ago before he was born, for the birds. He noses around in the plants for strawberries, and we are entertained watching him as he checks his crops.

Blessings and hugs to all,

Carrie

[kayc]

I am glad to hear Jerry's news. It sounds like he has a very kind doctor.

It's sweet they had the paw prints made, I've never had a vet do anything like that. I think my son's vet did that for his dog, Skye.

You are right, what comforts one person hurts another, this grief can be all over the place sometimes. Be understanding of yourself.

[Copperpot]

I know what you mean about the prints. I never thought I would want ashes or a print. But we got both. It was terribly difficult to see the print. But it really is a beautiful clay print & has his name stamped in it. It makes me sad thinking of missing those big paws of his, but sometimes It feels nice to see it or even touch it. We thought for sure we would want to scatter his ashes. Now that we have him in our room with us, I cant even imagine scattering them. I hope you can find some small comfort when Callie is home. Maybe someday even in the paw prints. I am not completely aware of the other things your are facing with Jerrys health, but I will be praying for healing.

[LadyCarrie]

Callie is Home with her Creator now, and at home with us also. She is between Ashely and Catey on the bookcase, and next to my doll who is the real "Lady Carrie," a gift from Jerry. Jerry, Amberly, and I wept together in a group hug, and then I set her in her special place. I thank each of you for being here with us. We love you for it, especially since you've reached out to us during your own time of grief. Perhaps soon I'll be able to share happy memories on the thread our other Carrie started. Love to all.

[kayc]

I'm glad you have her ashes and the paw print that can be saved for the future. It took me two years to figure out where to put my husband's ashes, it needn't be done right away and a lot of people choose to keep them. In a sense I did too because I scattered them in our back yard where I can look out my patio door and see, they are also where my pets have been buried. My kids call it the "family plot", it is where I want my own ashes to go someday.

Carrie, I know what a hard process this is to go through, my heart is with you.

[LadyCarrie]

Precious and highly-valued Friends,

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote:

"Life is real! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not the goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returneth,

Was not spoken of the soul."

Callie's spirit flew away to her Creator who also created our world of beauty and hope. We all must somehow grasp and hold onto Hope.

For now, my heart feels bruised, bloody, and battered, yet because I've experienced losses of different kinds, including spousal loss by suicide, I know this wet-noodle-legged stage will give way to greater functionality, and then to greater peace.

I'd really like to skip this heart-wrenching pain part, but to live life fully, suffering is a necessary part of it. I hate it, yet wouldn't want to miss living life fully. My words sound contradictory, yet I think there's truth in there somewhere. My mind is too fuzzy to give voice to it. My thoughts are too slippery for me to hold onto today.

Amberly changed her ER duty to next weekend, so she is home with us. We all need family time today. We listened to "A Place in the Choir," together, and wept until we could cry no more. We've also laughed hard as we've remembered happy memories with Callie and all of our babies. I think we had an unplanned wake for Callie.

As deep and painful as this hurt is, it is a precursor and a reminder of an even worse hurt yet to come. I wonder how I will ever manage, for it feels like I cannot. I know the only possible answer ~ it is with God and "With a Little Help from My Friends."

During my last visit with my doctor, he said that he was happy that I had gained a pound. He's going to be downright delighted when I have my next visit, for I'm eating everything that resembles food. I'm in love with cookies. Amberly says that I've never met a cookie I didn't like. I have no cookies, but Graham crackers with peanut butter make a good substitute. I really must get a grip. My doctor is a big, stout Hawaiian man. I tell him that I'm plenty big enough for a Scots-Irish woman. I was nowhere happy about that definitely unneeded, ungainly, and unplanned gained pound. Amberly is laughing at me, because she knows I almost have to lie on my back to zip my britches like in the "olden days" when this was deliberate.

How I wish I could have eaten for our wee Callie girl! Now that I've had that thought, I must go and ride out another wave of grief. I live in California, but I'm no Surfer Girl!

I love and appreciate each one of you with all my heart. We thank you so much for holding us up through this very difficult time. I will see you on other threads. May our Lord hold each of you tenderly as you grieve for your own precious fur babies. We understand each other.

Warm hugs,

Carrie

[enna]

To our dear Carrie, Jerry, and Amberly,

One thing I hope you know that as you present yourself here around our fire you have all of us holding you close during these very sad days.

We hurt to know that your sweet Callie is no longer with you in her physical presence. You are surrounded by love from all of us who love our furbabies.

Anne

[kayc]

Carrie, Have some chocolate, Anne always recommends it! I'm glad Amberly is there with you, I like how close knit your family is.

Yes, I wish you could skip the painful part, esp. seeing as you've had more than your share already.

I'm glad we have the hope of seeing and being with them again!

[Copperpot]

I wish you could somehow skip over the pain part too. I wish I knew a way around it myself. We know what we believe, we have our resolve. But our emotions in the moment can cloud that clarity. I am glad you have support around you. Its so very important.

[LadyCarrie]

Like I said a few months ago, Kay, let's you and me go raid Anne's refrigerator. We know she has chocolate somewhere. I don't trust myself to read a dessert cookbook, for I might eat the pictures. I don't think I'm going to go off the deep end and drop to 98 pounds this time. I scared myself back then when Jerry first got sick. I'm more in danger of becoming a butterball now. Amberly gave herself until tomorrow to pull herself together work-wise, so I'll give myself until tomorrow to rein in my voracious appetite.

I wish we could host a gathering of our forum family here. That would be fun. This would be a good time for since I'm on a "Food" diet. Seriously, someday, perhaps we can meet somewhere. There was a time when I could have said, "Y'all come 'own' in. The coffee pot's 'own.'"

Yes, we do have this hope of being with our furbabies again. God has such wonderful things planned for us that we can't even imagine them. He said so. I think our furbabies will be among the happy surprises He has waiting for us. Our forum friends are among our blessings while we wait. We wait together, and support each other as do the wild geese (Anne shared video). I wish they were safe from the hunters' guns. They are such special creatures in how they stay together, and protect each other. Jerry and I have a pair of ceramic geese on our dresser, for we have likened ourselves to a "goose couple" for a long time.

Carrie, we looked at your photos of Chester yesterday, because there were some that Amberly hadn't seen. The one with his head out the window is hilarious. You have a book in that boy of yours, I tell you. I am just beginning to know him, yet I can look at his photos and give you a story that didn't even happen .

❤️ To all,

Carrie

[kayc]

Carrie, how I wish we were all neighbors! I'd love to come on in when "the pot's own". Love the drawl!

And I will never be anorexic like my mom. I have this last 18 lbs that stubbornly refuses to let go. Oh well! I eat healthy and exercise, I can't worry about the rest. I figure it must be God's will I have a little extra padding as Lord knows I've tried to ditch it! Doesn't come off as easy when we get older. I always figured I wouldn't worry about my pets too much until I saw them losing weight. I had a butterball cat (also named George) that suddenly dropped to 15% underweight...turned out he had cancer and nothing I fed him would make him gain anything back.

Years ago I used to do prison ministry. When I'd go to OSP (maximum security penitentiary) there'd be tons of geese all over the visitors' parking lot and lawn. They live there! Why they picked that spot, I don't know, but they've been there as long as anyone can remember.

[LadyCarrie]

How special that you were a part of prison ministry. I'm happy to know this about you, and I admire you for your work. I had good friends who devoted much of their lives to prison ministry. I was so proud of them, as I am now of you.

Jerry and I were visiting my brother and his family at Springfield, IL at Easter time one year when Amberly was a young adult (18, I think; barely "arrived"). She called us from home to ask us our opinion of her joining a group of ladies to sing at the prison. The prisoners had requested only ladies to sing for them. I'm sure these ladies were protected so much as was possible, yet they would be locked in with no hope of getting out should there be a lockdown. My brother thought I'd forgotten my parental guidance skills (and my mind) for not objecting. I couldn't object (out loud), for that was between her and God. I do acknowledge much relief when she let me know she was safe. She was young enough that it seemed strange to leave her "home alone," and this girl decides to go get herself locked in a prison to sing. What timing! Why mothers get gray.

Don't be positive you can't become anorexic based on your present weight, but possibly on your conscious decision to not become anorexic. I never thought it could happen to me, but it happened fast. I seemed to just melt, and I can get rather plump myself.

My doctor and his parents are "church friends" of ours. His beloved mother (recently deceased) was quite plump. She is what his ideal woman should be now that she is deceased. He used to be just the opposite when he was just out of medical school at age twenty-eight (I've been around forever, so knew him when he was still wet behind his ears; I remind him of this when he gets pushy). He allowed no overweight people to work for him, because he didn't think it was good for his reputation as a doctor. His chubby receptionist was so upset with him one day for telling her that she must lose weight or her job that she asked me, "Have you noticed the size of HIS butt?" Well, no I hadn't, but I did check it out. I learned later that it seemed all the nurses at the hospital knew already that Dr. P. has a big butt. His wife was rail thin ~ so thin she couldn't become pregnant ~ and I think at his encouragement. She did become pregnant once, and lost her baby. I remember, for several people of our church grieved with her. They adopted two children; one girl, a holy terror, and a sweet little boy. Dr. P. is older and somewhat wiser now, but seems to be over-correcting.

Happy Sunday. ❤️

Carrie

[kayc]

My mom was anorexic, she was so afraid of gaining weight she went way overboard the other way! I don't think I could ever be simply because of how much I love to eat! In recent years GAINING weight has plagued me, not losing it!

Prison Ministry is one of the most challenging things I've ever done, I can't tell you how much I've learned from it. I started out naive...not any more! I'd recommend if anyone wanted to do something like that to go through Chuck Colson's group or something already established. You had good reason to go gray when Amberly decided to do that...if there'd been a prison takeover or anything like that, she could have been in danger. Most of the time, though, things go smooth. The hardest part of it all was dealing with the guards...some are good, some can be worse than the inmates they are guarding! I've seen just about everything.

I hate to see anyone discriminate against weight, doctors should know better! There is more to a person being heavy than just what they eat. Medicine, genetics, a lot of things can contribute to their weight besides just what they put in their mouth. No one should be that judgmental lest the same thing happen to them.