Basically Falling Apart

[Maureen]

my mom got sick 3 yrs. ago, wouldn't see a doctor, and went blind, had bad headaches, and changed visibly. i stopped working to stay home with her, very terribly confused about what was going on, and couldn't force her to go to a doc or do anything.

she became delusional, hearing things, very disoriented, albeit blind in one eye for years, just lost the sight in the other eye recently. very odd behavior, very stubborn, completely confusing. legs swelled, all sorts of things happened. i offered so many times help for her, and to take her to a doc, and when she became unable to both see and walk due to the legs and the disorientation, offered to call an ambulance for her and stay with her in the er, of course. she refused flat out, if i couldn't take her she wouldn't go. i'm too small and would never have hazarded that.

this was since the end of 2002. sept.2003 she collapsed, and had several grand mal seizures, was unconscious, and alternating babbling strange talk at someone behind me that night. i called my sister and finally convinced her to come to my home, not knowing that what my mom was having were grand mals. we ended up hospitalizing her. she was unconscious for 28 hrs. and then in the hospital for a week. she'd had 7 grand mal seizures, a full team of neurologists could not find what caused it, and she was *different and damaged* ever since.

a month in a rehab/nursing home and she was miserable. wanted to come home to her own home to be with me and die in her own home. i brought her home. she was home here for 2 years, steadily going downhill. i made sure she had everything she needed ~ doctors came to the house, even the dentist. she had a beautiful and comfortable bedroom ~ breakfast nook, commode, everything she needed or wanted. she wanted to just stay in that room as she could no longer walk and see and felt comfy there.

throughout all this, my sisters, who had distanced themselves from their mother for years, and were very hostile to her, one visited her once. the other (that had come to my home that night) promised me she'd visit every month, give me a couple of hours break, take care of my mom. she came, ate my food, talked about herself for hours, visited with her mother for about 20 minutes each time, and never once said hey go, i've got everything covered. take a break. she never even pottied her mom ~ not hard ~ we're all girls, right? always came marching in to me and said you better get in there, she's gotta go. that's YOUR job.

my mom was sometimes alert, and almost like "my mom" sometimes, and lots of times she was "out there" confused, and i can't even explain. didn't matter to me. bottom line, she stopped eating and drinking in august 2005 and passed away for my birthday the same month. i was SO very happy for her, because she was in intolerable pain, to the point that the morphine and other drugs hospice provided for her weren't quite covering it anymore.

i came in to the room as she passed away and i was SO ecstaticly happy for her that the pain and misery was over!!! thanking the good lord so happily that my mom was finally free.

one sister came down that night after i'd had my mom's body removed. never said a word about mom. the two of them came down again the next day. not a tear was shed, not a word spoken. they claimed they'd come for ME?????

i haven't heard from one ever again, the other like twice. i handled everything, settling the estate, getting my businesses back in order so i could keep the roof over my head, etc.

now, 4-5 months later, i'm crying every day almost. i am SO alone. on christmas not one relative called to see how i was faring the first set of holidays w/o my mom. not one. not a christmas card, not anything.

insincere attention i do not need, hence i'm not upset about that. but what is this overwhelming sense of feeling SO alone, so questioning my own existence, my own worthiness, these heartwracking crying jags? i can literally feel my heart breaking.

can ANYONE shed any light on this or am i going bats????

[Maylissa]

Maureen,

My sincere condolences on losing your mom and then having to suffer further because of your family. I know the same sort of feeling, having also been through the wringer with my immediate family and relatives, and friends, too. I, too have been abandoned in my grief and got only one card from an aunt this Christmas ( which led to a really upsetting letter from her a few wks. later, so that was a wash anyway ) and none from friends, either - 2 years after my Mom's death. Too many of us are simply forgotten, or avoided ( pick your poison ) after a major loss.

What you went through with/for your mom was pretty traumatizing in the first place, not to mention the aftermath, so it's not surprising you'd now have a lot of extra grief to handle. It's also not unusual to really start feeling pain awhile after the fact, especially when there are other circumstances that add to the loss. Keep in mind, you're also suffering grief ( which isn't limited to only death ) over the loss, or absence of, your sisters.

When one's world, as we had known it, falls apart and is changed in big and small ways, as one former friend put it, it really "does a number on you". I, too, question more than I ever had before, what the point of life is, why I'm here, what's it all for, what the point of my particular existence is, etc. It's gonna be along haul, trying to find some answers, as these are the really HUGE questions that we try and avoid thinking about until something forces us to confront them. So, no, you're not going batty ~ you're normal, grieving normally.......it's just not a nice space to be in. I hope this helps you to calm down, somewhat, about all the confusing feelings. The rest of the battle is the stuff of heart-work.

BTW, I love the picture of your cockatiel! What a cutie!

Edited January 21, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Maylissa gave you some great feedback. I am so relieved to hear that other people are feeling SO alone and lost, like I am. I have been through a deep "soul searching journey" (I don't know what else to call it) for the last year. It has been hard and painful and tiring, but healing at the same time. And yes, I still cry and cry and cry. I'm not sure that will ever end! These boards have helped me more than any of my "friends" (of which I have VERY few left. So keep posting and reading other posts. You aren't as alone as you think.

Shell

[Maureen]

thanks both of you, Maylissa, and Shell. BTW, that darling little cockatiel is my little angel Miss Pea. She was called home suddenly on January 19, 2004, a few months after my mom came home from the rehab. Miss Pea was 3 months short of her 12th birthday.

I raised her and her brother (twins) from two weeks old. My mom helped too...... loved it. they were dropper fed til about 3 months and then gradually began to eat "big kid" food (seeds) and the rest is history. Miss Pea is my best friend. Not was, IS. and always will be. something in my heart died when she had to go back home. and then 20 months later, a little more of my heart died when my mom had to go back home, although i did and still do rejoice because it ended her pain and i know she can see again.

ever since reading your post, Maylissa, i did some serious thinking. i can actually "feel" those very depressive vibes coming on. i usually just sit in my office and cry and scream and cry. (i work at home so i can do that.) but yesterday oh boy did i feel one of them coming on and it took all my will power to not do that. and it took all of my will power not to abandon my work again, feeling hopeless about that too. i just kept looking at my mom's smiling face in the picture on my desk, and Miss Pea's too, and kept on working. i was SOOOO proud of myself that i didn't collapse into despair again.

i think the point of us questioning life, people's attitudes, and our own behavior and doing that soul searching is part of healing. i think it is part of a gain of wisdom past the tangible facts of the painful event(s) and i know for one i feel better after i've spent some serious time thinking and even writing it down in my diary. that being said, it does NOT cut down on the pain being felt at all.

it certainly is a relief to know that other people are going through the same thing. imagine the h*ll it would be if you were truly alone........... i'm so grateful for this message board and for the people that are here, generously sharing their pain so we can all eventually heal and deal with it.

[Maylissa]

Dear Maureen,

I'm so glad something we said helped you, in whatever way.

You're right, I think, about the reviewing of many areas of our life after someone we love dies...and also about how the pain remains despite that soul-searching. In fact, I've found that in some areas, it worsens due to that soul-searching, which often raises other questions, concerns and regrets. I'd love to say that it's all worth that introspection in the end, but since I'm not there yet, I can only hope that it's so.

I also wanted to make sure you knew about the Pet Loss forum here, just in case you'd still like to talk about Miss Pea. I'm so sorry that she's not with you anymore, either. I had 2 budgies (separately) when I was a child, and into my early teens, each of whom I loved deeply....so I just LOVE birds, especially their scents! I suffered great trauma from each of their deaths and it took me many years until I could entertain the notion of including any more creatures in my life. I eventually did, but not 'til I was 30. I chose cats, and when my Sabin died before his time at the age of 13 ( and he was black, so Friday the 13ths are special days to me ), I wanted to die, too. No other death has been as painful for me (so far) as his. I'm afraid his sister's may do me in for good. She's just turned 19.

You mentioned Miss Pea's twin brother....is he still with you then? And is 12 years very old for cockatiels? (my first budgie was only 4 when she died, likely from an impacted egg - she was laying eggs despite never having been around another bird, which I understand can happen somehow; my second budgie was 8, but illness, not age, took him away)

I know I'm way off the original topic here, but just wanted to take the opportunity to chat a bit about our other beloveds.

And yes, I've imagined how terrible it would be if I was totally alone....then I get very afraid, as I will LIKELY be in that position at some point, since my husband and I have no children, he's got a huge family history of early heart attack on both sides and we still have NO good friends where we live. We also don't live in the same place as both of our families are/were - the only kids of the two families who ever moved away. I don't know WHAT I'd do!

[Maureen]

hi maylissa,

i've not been chatting here for a week or two, took some time off for me, even from my business, just to sort of get myself in order, etc.

re: the introspections / soul searching we got to talking about here......... yeah, it raises other questions, other painful moments / events also, and these have to be dealt with squarely in the face in order to move on. at least that's how it's been with me thus far. my mom will be gone 6 months on Feb. 24th....... in that 6 months i've heard from precisely one "1" ~ yup, you heard me right, O*N*E relative and that was a big twice. not on the holidays, no, two times randomly just to "see how i was doing" and then talk all about herself, and to emphatically tell me i could never fathom how tired she was and how much she was doing. BTW, that's my own sister we're talking about ..............

i bit my tongue clear through and politely chatted for a bit and then got off the phone. no, i could never know how tired she was or how hard she was working since i myself was recuperating from caring for our mother for close to 3 yrs 24/7/365 no breaks. ah yes the soul searching i've gone through. questioned my own self worth, questioned whether i "deserved" success with my business, questioned whether i was worthy to actually put my feet up on the coffee table and watch Steve Martin get the Mark Twain Comedy Award and whether it was "ok" to laugh out loud.

i'm at the point now where i do take the time and analyze these disturbing and slightly ridiculous thoughts that come into my head. i'm also learning to laugh at being abandoned and being totally alone. i keep picturing myself getting my toes wet in the lake.............. and splashing around a bit. that's what it's like now. i know my mom will always be with me. so with my best friend with me, how can i go wrong?

Miss Pea's twin brother Snugglebuggy is still with me. he will be a grand old 15 on April 27th, Lord willing. And what a handsome blonde fellow he is too!!! he is his mommy's boy, for sure.

Miss Pea was old for a cockatiel ~ she was almost 12 and each year they live is approximately 8 human ones. So she lived approx. 96 human years. plus she laid alot of eggs (non fertile, just eggs) and that wore her out. she loved to play "hen"!!! Miss Pea was my very best friend and always will be.

i guess that's what so hard........ losing both my best friends within 18 months of each other.

[shell]

Maureen,

When my dad died, his half-sister sent some ugly red flowers. I called to politely thank her for them and she didn't ask a single question about my dad or how my mother was doing. She didn't ask about anything! She talked to me like I was a casual acquantance. Needless to say, my mom decided not to send her a Christmas card. As far as we are concerned she is no longer family. My dad was not close to her, so he would approve of our actions! I just don't understand people (that's why I love animals so much...them I understand).

Two weeks after my dad died one of our babies had to be rushed in the middle of the night to the vets and died from an undetected heart problem. My mom and I were just heartbroken. It almost did us both in! So I know what you mean about losing two best friends at the same time. We all have such similar experiences and share so many of the same feelings, it's too bad we don't all live in the same town so we could form our own support group! But this site is wonderful and helps so much!

[Guest Maylissa- NOT a Guest!]

Maureen and Shell,

Okay, the site won't keep me logged in again, but just so you know, it's ME, Maylissa!

Can't WAIT to reply, but have to get ready and go look at some washing machines today, so don't have time yet....just wanted to let you know I read your posts and will be writing soon! Take good care, both of you! (((((hugs))))))

[Maylissa]

MAUREEN,

I meant to write on the wknd, but have had a cold getting me down and now am farther behind in chores and projects I'm avoiding anyway....sigh.

Yes, self-absorbed relatives can give us so much more grief than the one we're already trying to cope with. It really depletes one's energy to be abandoned when we need the most support. It's rather a shock to the system to find out, after all these years of living in what was obviously a dream-world, that people you thought you were important to in some way, really don't think of you very much, if at all. I'm totally fed up with those who promise things/support, with no real intention of following through. False promises and irony....that's been the entire theme ever since my Mother's illness first began and all the way 'til now.

I began an energy technique this wknd. to try and address the emotional and physical ways this has affected me, and am glad to see that my inner reactions have indeed become less pronounced - so far, what a relief! I still need to process things, but plan on applying this technique to the entire story, in hopes of beating these depressive feelings once and for all. Just this wknd, I've moved into feeling that I will do whatever I want to do, and not be concerned with what anyone else in the family thinks about any of it. I seem to have accepted, quite calmly, that none of them are ever going to change in any way at all, and on the flip-side, that they can't change me , either, so they'll just have to deal with whatever moves I make in whatever way pleases them....and I don't care. Realistically, I expect the worst from all of them, but too bad, so sad, for them! This is even a step ahead of where I'd been years ago, when I had to disassociate myself from most of them. I feel somewhat like I've gotten at least part of my old self back...the self who was more determined and self-reliant, stronger, and who felt pretty good about her own choices. I aspire to laughing off being abandoned, too, Maureen, as you're starting to do. It's fabulous that you've come so far so soon! Well done, girl!

And as for Steve Martin, well, how can you NOT laugh??? He's a clown and I love him! That's one thing I seldom ever feel guilty about. I just enjoy the fact, in the moment, that I CAN laugh at something, as it's one of my core NEEDS in life. Better than drugs, food, sex! Laughter saved my sanity all through my life and w/o it, I'd be as good as dead. The longest time I ever went w/o any was after my fur-boy, Sabin died - took me about a year before I could even begin to chuckle about anything again.

Speaking of which....Snugglebuggy....what a fabulous name! ( give him a nose-to-feathered breast one from me! ) I imagine you might have feelings like I do, anticipatory fear and grief, seeing as he's already 'up there', just as my fur-gal, Nissa, is. I know you said you've gotten 2 (?) more in the last little while, and that will probably help matters. If it isn't too hard to think about, may I ask, just what did Miss Pea DO with her eggs afterwards? Or did you simply remove them after a time? I remember taking Kiki's to show-and-tell in Kindergarten when it became obvious she wasn't interested in sitting on them....but then, we knew nothing, no books on it back then, and we didn't have a proper nesting box for her.

I still carry a lot of trauma associated with her death, as my father laughed and did a little jig of glee ( I'm not kidding - he actually danced ) when he told me on his way off to work that she'd died overnight. My Mother almost killed him and had to literally shove him out the door, as he was having so much fun with seeing me hysterically crying at this news. My father's a beast and I hated him from that moment on, with good reason. Sorry about this....it's always just below the surface, it's such a bad memory waiting and hoping to be healed. So you can see that unresolved grief NEVER goes away, until it's somehow...well, resolved! It's HOW to do that that escapes me for the most part. ( in this case, it's mainly the grief over 'losing' my father in that very moment ) I was really abandoned very early in my life, by all of my family members, one way or another, so you'd think I'd be more used to it. And maybe I am...but it never stops hurting each time it happens again. How one truly 'comes to terms' with this, I still don't know. My skin just isn't thick enough.

SHELL,

I see we all have some less-than-desirable relatives to deal with. I suppose I could give your dad's half-sister a crumb of credit for at least sending some flowers, albeit ugly ones, as I got ZERO flowers, for either death, from MY relatives ( heck, I hardly even got CARDS! )....but not asking about a thing would also cancel that out. People can be such PUTZES! Mind you, with people like that, if they DID say something, it would more than likely be something you'd wished they'd NOT said anyway!

I'm so sorry you, too, like Maureen, lost a furbaby so soon after another major grief. It DOES seem like way too much to ask anyone to bear, that's for certain. The 2 months apart thing was enough for me, thanks...I can't even imagine 2 short weeks.....

Yes, getting together in the same place would be wonderful! I HAVE heard of some women on some boards, some of whom travel fairly often, who do find out where each other lives, and try to arrange to meet and visit, but I guess that doesn't happen too often....unless one travels a lot! We, on the other hand, NEVER travel, as we need to be here for our fur-gal - no 'mere mortal' could ever hope to take care of her needs the way I/we do! I love these boards, too, but DO wish I could physically meet and greet with some of you fellow-mourners.

[shell]

Maylissa,

We never travel either...for the same reasons! I'm glad there are other people who put their fur babies first like we do.

I was thinking how weird it would be if several of us were in the same city, but I guess that's one thing about these boards, you never know.

[Maylissa]

Shell,

First, I'd like to thank you for always being around here...it helps to have steady connections on these boards, and your presence is much appreciated! Second, I just realized that my location isn't visible on my profile - thought I'd marked that! So, just in case...I live in Alberta, Canada - not from here, but here now. I've rarely seen too many people from my country ( at least who say so ) who post on ANY of the boards I've used....strange...do we have fewer deaths here or something?!

I met one other woman from a dedicated animal loss grief site who also hadn't taken a vacation in about 12 years, for the same reasons, until she lost her own furbaby. She had mixed feelings about that first trip ( last summer ), but ended up having a decent time afterall. Their trip fell right on the first-year anniversary of her baby's passing, so it was extra-difficult for her. We're good friends now, but she lives in Georgia, so we may never even get the chance to meet! However, I've sworn that once we can travel, that's going to be one of our destinations. There's nothing quite like making friends by sharing, at the START, those deep feelings that are usually hidden from view for the first part of a new relationship....cuts through all those facades to reveal the heart of us....such a refreshing change from the norm!

[shubom]

Hi Shell, Marylissa,

Thanks for regularly posting too. I enjoying hearing the different opinions. I find this better and more helpful than some of the grief counseling sessions I've been too. Do any of you go to grief counseling? I've been to a few group sessions as well as one on one sessions. I'm still trying to figure out which is better for me. I like the group sessions a lot better because I can hear other's experiences. I try to avoid one on one sessions with counselors who have never experience the death of a loved one. I've had a few of them, and I've found it a waste of time with them trying to quote sayings from various books.

[shell]

Maylissa and Shubom,

Thanks for the thanks! Thank you too. I feel closer to some of the posters here than I do to my few friends I have left, because I can be more open and honest here. I can share feelings without worrying that I'm being depressing or bothering someone...you all know what I mean!

Shubom, no I haven't been to any kind of grief counseling. Where I live (which is Alabama, by the way) all the groups are run by churches and I'm not very religious, in the traditional sense. So I hesitate to go to them, thinking all I'll hear is how God wanted things to be this way, or something! NOT something I would want to hear right now. The best part about this site is that I feel like I'm going to group counseling.

Hang in there, both of you,

Shell

[shubom]

Shell,

I know what you mean. I really enjoy this site too. It really helps me talk to other's who are going through it. Right now my emotions are so wacky, I don't know what to do. This morning I was feeling ok, but now I'm feeling like crap. I'm telling you, I cannot imagine 5, 10, or 15 years without my mom ! What the heck is this kind of place?! I really hate it here.

I know what you mean about grief counseling. Sorry that the ones near your home are all through the Church. That can be frustrating. Where I live, there's grief counseling through the Hospice which is a good thing. Maybe you can find something like that. But ya, good grief counseling is hard to find. Don't know why, because logically everyone will go through it in their lifetime. So you'd think it would be important. But no. Anyways, I'm just really tired today. Doing ok this morning, and now I feel like crap. I want to go home and just sleep. But can't because I have no home without my mother there. I'm staying with my Aunt. But my aunt's house is not really my house. So basically I have no where to go. So I'll just sit here......I really miss my mother !

[shell]

Shubom,

I know you feel lost. And helpless and hopeless. I still have my mom, but I can fully understand what you are going through, because I worry constantly about losing her too and have imagined what my life would be like without her. As we've often said, grief is this terrible roller coaster of emotions. For awhile you feel ok, then terrible, then hopeless, etc... all in one day! It is tremendously exhausting, which doesn't help any. I wish I had some wonderful, magic advice for all of us...or anyone at all did! All I can say is that I guess we all have to hang on by our fingernails and take it one minute at a time.

I think sometime soon you will be able to go back home and maybe it won't be as bad as you think. Maybe the place you shared with your mom will bring you more peace and comfort than you tink. I certainly hope so. Just know that we are all here for each other and keep posting. I honestly think about all the posters here every day and wonder how they are doing. Hang in there, sweetie,

Shell

[Maureen]

hi gals,

i'm back. i know i've been gone awhile. had a great deal of thinking to do, plus w*o*r*k, and i have to say, thank God for work. i had a couple of client websites to design, shopping carts to set up, and i was SO busy i hardly had time to think! besides keeping the roof over my head, work is good because it indulges creativity and that is always good.

i was reading some prior posts here under this thread. i never travel either. who's gonna take care of my feather kids? Besides, Snugglebuggy is so old now, he'd cry for mommy anyways. the new kids, Maylissa, are Miss Beadie Baby (a little girl cockatiel who just turned 1 in September '05) and Violette Peroquette (a violet parakeet) who turned out to be a boy not a girl. but he likes his name so i leave it!!! i got him for us for Christmas. the other two just LOVE him! this week we are bird sitting for a friend's parakeet, Rudy. they are in the bedroom now socializing, sleeping, yakking, you name it. what fun! i love them.

i've done alot of thinking and you are right Maylissa, the more you think sometimes the more pain you bring on. but i'm kind of a warrior woman in that sense, i prefer things straightforward and out in the open, hate living behind rose colored glasses or behind a smokescreen of only comfortable thoughts so i can avoid all the other stuff. So i did alot of thinking and my doubts, fears and reservations about alot of things that went on are out in the open where i can see them and deal with them head on. you cannot have healing if you don't have pain first. i'm actually doing better because of it. but i understand that is NOT for everyone.

you know, now my sister that i spoke of has the same thing going on in her life, not exact but close. her son is actually having to deal with the decisions and pain very much up front. her ex-husband, with whom she remained friends, had a very deadly strep infection in his blood and didn't know it. he collapsed and his girlfriend rushed him to the hospital. this was on feb. 2 just a few weeks ago. his fever was 104.7, he coded blue, they brought him back after 20 minutes, can you believe 20 minutes, rushed him to another hospital, he suffered cardiac arrest, coded blue again, they brought him back after ANOTHER 20 minutes.

needless to say, Steve has never woken up, he has suffered major brain damage, eyes and pupils respond to no stimuli whatsoever, his liver and kidneys and now a lung are compromised, and just a day or so ago his son was with the Hospice people, and signed the DNR form. his dad is being moved to a short term hospice with just a ventilator to help him breathe and a feeding tube in the stomach. from what i gather, not directly but reading betw. the lines of the emails, his son is considering removing life support. which i applaud.

there's a long history betw. my sister and me, not pleasant, but my BIL has always been kind and courteous to me. when my mom was home sick here, he came with my sister every so often, was always kind and courteous to my mom, very very nice to me, and became extremely fond of Snugglebuggy (the two big boys got along just great) he'd play with him and everything. i showed Snuggle my BIL picture and told him that his buddy was not gonna come back and play with him anymore. Snugs looked at me with knowledge in his eyes, and looked up, and i told him yes, his friend was going to go "up" and be with his sister Miss Pea and with his Grandma, (my mom). Snugs cried a little bit. he understands "up". and then he was ok.

flip side, my sister is very grateful for my prayers and all, no doubt, but now she is patting herself on the back for being the strong one, for helping everyone get past everything, and all that jazz. i'm sure in her mind she is, but she just doesn't see that it is not about her. she never misses a chance to say what wonderful deeds she does for other folks. humility is not her style........ isn't it nicer to be humble and let other people tell you that you've done a good job rather than singing your own praises?

it makes me grit my teeth but you know, i guess due to the thinking i've been doing, i'm gonna let it go. i will never forget a great many things she's done that were hurtful with me taking care of my mom, like "oh just put her in a nursing home and get on with your life", and many other things. but i'm gonna be the bigger person and not mention it, and just let it go.

i'm satisfied with what i did, i'm very happy that i did NOT put myself first, but instead put my mom first, especially at a time when no one else was willing to and she desperately needed it. no, my behavior wasn't perfect, i got frustrated and i should have handled some things better. but at least i didn't abandon her and never once, now matter how tough it got here, did i ever even lift up the phone to call a nursing home. mom wanted to die here in her own home, and i gave her that. so now i need to evolve as a person and hopefully the Lord will forgive me my faults, and i need to make a serious effort to accept how my sister is, zip my lips and be the bigger person.

i thinking i might be moving on to the next phase of grief which may be acceptance of what i cannot change, gratitude for my mother's peace, best wishes for my BIL's coming peace, and move on as my own human being. what do you all think?

[shell]

Hi Maureen,

Yes, I think you are moving towards acceptance and applaud your attitude towards your sister. I am like you, in the sense that I have thought about all sorts of things and tried to face them and deal with the feelings. Very painful at times, but very healing.

An interesting subject you brought up is that you felt you didn't do everything perfectly. I would get frustrated with my dad when he was sick too, and later would regret having spoken a little sharply, stuff like that. I think some of what we feel is shame over stuff like that, but it is normal and you have to realize you did the very best you could. I would go over and over times I thought I should have done something differently, or better, and finally realized I did ok, I did the best I could. My dad was home, with the people who loved him and died peacefully. We can't be perfect all the time and especially under such tremendous stress. Has anyone else felt this way?

I think you are doing great, Maureen, and hope you continue to "evolve" forward.

Shell

[Maylissa]

Hi Maureen,

Nice to have you back again. And nice to know yet another person who sacrifices personal travel for the sake of their pals' care! I guess we could form a club, but then we could never meet each other cuz we'd all be 'stuck' at home! And oh, I laughed and gasped at the same time ~ Miss Beadie Baby!! Ya don't say! That's so uncanny, as one of Sabin's ( many ) nicknames that I gave him was "Beadie-Buddy-Boy"!! And Violet....oooo, a violet budgie - beautiful! Are you going to also get a 'mate' for him, too? I'm wondering if he's going to miss his own kind's company, when Rudy leaves. Yes, there ARE so much fun! Most people don't realize what a hoot so many animals, especially birds, can be, given some collaboration on the part of their people. Truth be told, no human ever has the power to make me laugh as deeply from the soul as these priceless pals do. I wish I could just pop on over to your house and play for hours with your feather-kids...although you might be rather insulted, as I'd probably just ignore you!

Like you, despite the pain, I do prefer to have things out in the open, to be dealt with, somehow. It's just the 'somehow' often stymies me. Everyone else in my family prefers to complain about something, but not DO anything about it, whereas I've gone the opposite way, having seen countless examples of how their method doesn't work.

I'm very sorry to hear about your BIL's sudden condition, but I think you're right - what would be the point in 'trapping' him here, with no hope of having anywhere near a normal life again? I hope whatever happens, or is decided, will serve the greatest good for everyone concerned.

I was also so touched to hear how Snuggle reacted to this news. That validates what I've told people all these years ~ birds really can and DO cry. This is what my second budgie, Kiki ( I kept the name from the first one, as I liked it ), did when our family went to B.C. for a week when I was 7. The lady taking care of him said he'd pined all week and wouldn't sing and when I came in to get him, his eyes actually were red-rimmed and a tear escaped when I greeted him. It broke my young heart and I swore I'd never leave him either with strangers, or for that long ever again. He went through one more harrowing incident, with my father, when me and my Mom went to visit her mother for a wknd, and where we were forced to rush back home, and after that I swore I'd never leave him even with family ( unless it was my Mom ) either, ever again...and I never did. ( gee, I just realized, I started this pattern a very long time ago! )

Your sister sounds like a friend I have, with that egoic bragging thing. With my friend, I always say it's such a shame because, if not for that, there's plenty to like about her...BUT her ego really intrudes into everything that's going on, and constantly, so there's little avoiding it. As a consequence, I've avoided her a lot this year, as I just can't handle hearing about her superiority every few sentences anymore. The really ironic part is that my friend likes to also include in her bragging stories that she's a humble person! So you're a bigger woman than I, if you can get past this in your sister, w/o shrieking! I would actually bring this up with my friend, but honestly can't think of a gentle and tactful way to approach it, so I've just said nothing and paced myself in terms of contact with her. It's the 'best I can do at this time'!

I don't actually believe anymore that there are actual 'phases' of grief, only that there are many feelings associated with it, no more or less common among people than those that might be experienced in different, but also common circumstances, and that we simply move from one feeling to another, in no particular order, with some people not even necessarily experiencing ALL of those common feelings through their grieving process. For example, at times I've felt very accepting of certain events, only to discover later that the UNacceptance came back. I've found many feelings have moved back and forth...perhaps seeking that more balanced point? On the other hand, certain aspects remainded solidly the same throughout. So I prefer now to just deal with what IS, at any given time. That alone, can sometimes help with the acceptance of our own states through the process, I find. So while I'm happy that you're presently feeling more accepting and grateful, I really couldn't say whether that will be permanent or not for you. (although I suspect, in your case, it might be, as you've moved quite quickly already through much of it) In any case, I think you've certainly got the right attitude, and that goes a long way towards healing, no matter what else transpires along the way.

BTW, I'd also posted under the General Grief forum recently ( twice ), and if anyone has any suggestions for me there, feel free to give me your 2 cents' worth, too.

Edited February 19, 2006 by Maylissa

[Maureen]

maylissa i replied to you under general grief. i hope it helps.

[shell]

Maylissa,

I am going to general grief next.

I think you are so right about the grieveing "phases" and that it is emotions that come and go and come back and on and on. I think what you said about dealing with whatever is going on at any given moment is great. That's what I think I've been doing for awhile, but didn't realize it until you talked about it.

Shell