bangkok35 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2015 So today i received a cpl of messages and i thought she would call bc she's going to work and most times we have spoken have been while she's driving, but nothing. I don't know if im being friend zoned or not but as for now I'm going to grip through the silence and see if she contacts me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2015 Please advise! Our text messages the 5 days have been mostly her telling me she's with her mom. Basically other than a dew phone calls, this is all I get from her. Should i be happy i at least get that? Is it possible for someone to ALWAYS be around their mother? Am i being played for a freaking fool and wasting my time and energy? Im so mentally tired im ready to just shut my eyes and sleep for months till this pain goes away. Today I had to pinch myself bc im so emotionally withdrawn from the rest of the world. Wtf is happening to me? How can someone call me babe ALL the time but not have the decency to find 1 minute to call? I dont think she's in as much grief as her mom so i don't even know what to think at this point. Please help someone. Im drowning here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 27, 2015 Report Share Posted July 27, 2015 Yes it's not only possible but highly probable! You're going to have to adjust your expectations if you want to weather this, you're going to drive her away! No you aren't being played, she's GRIEVING and it doesn't get over any time soon. If you can't handle it, go ahead and move on, but this is going to be a long duration so you'll need to adjust to it if you want to preserve what you have with her. You also need to understand that it may NOT ever be the same again. You're doing what I did, basically analyzing to death and driving yourself nuts in the process. Try to chill and hang out with friends. Avoid relationship talk. Let HER initiate the calls and let her know you understand she needs time right now so you'll be there whenever she wants you but you're giving her space to be with her family right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2015 Thank you Kay for the quick response. Should i send her a text msg stating that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 27, 2015 Report Share Posted July 27, 2015 You're going to need to be patient. Very patient. She isn't avoiding you. She's grieving, her mom is grieving, it's a HUGE loss to her family. It's only been 2 weeks... and you can expect 2 months of near silence, then a few months of quiet - but not silence. If it's too hard to wait - then get some help waiting. Read, clean, learn a new hobby, buy a guitar, something... you are causing your own anxiety. Not her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 27, 2015 Report Share Posted July 27, 2015 My friend, you might also do some reading about what is normal in grief, so you'll have a better understanding of what this woman is going through. See, for example, Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief Grief: Understanding The Process Helping Another In Grief How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences What Is Not Helpful To A Person In Mourning: A List of "Don'ts" Words of Comfort To A Person In Mourning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 27, 2015 Report Share Posted July 27, 2015 Well stated, Cindy. Wait for HER to initiate conversation/text, otherwise it could be construed as impatience or taken that you're deserting her. People who are grieving can be ultra sensitive too. I hope you'll do some reading of the links Marty sent you. If you can't be patient for a couple of weeks, I just don't see how you're going to make it for the long term though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2015 Thank you all for your words and advice. As of right now i haven't made contact and she hasn't made contact either, but that's ok. I have spoken to our group of friends (we have the same group) and she hasn't made contact with anyone other than me. I think what we are dealing with here is her mom's grief more than hers. It's very hard to stand aside and have her deal with her mom's emotional distress while she ignores her own, but I'm waving the white flag and will let her work out her grief and that of her mother's as best as she can. I will be here if and when she needs me, but I won't push anymore. I've read all the articles, thanks Marty, and know what role I have to play. I have made plans to hang out with friends tomorrow night and hopefully can experience some happiness. My anxiety is way lower today thank God. Ive been praying and asking God to please help me be strong so that I can get through this ambiguous time. Ive also started a journal, helps to just write down what I'm feeling. I think the hardest part of our role is the not knowing and not taking anything personal. Having read so many posts and articles I know it's not anything i did, but deep inside I cant help but question the "what ifs". Well I'm off to work but I'll keep you all updated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 28, 2015 Report Share Posted July 28, 2015 That sounds great! I hope you can remind yourself when you're feeling anxious and it's feeling personal and you're starting to worry & question again. It's natural to have these emotions and they're so hard to deal with! Having faith that all will work out is really key to getting through this time, as well as equipping yourself by reading, reading, reading, just as you've done. I'm glad you'll be spending time with friends, it all helps! It's not anyone's "fault", grief does what it does. And you're right, she has not only her own loss to deal with but is trying to be there for her mom too, although I've seen the outcome the same regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2015 So she called me today to simply ask me if she had bought a certain dress bc she was buying another one and didnt want to buy another one. She sounded fine but a bit racy in her speech, as if she was trying to speak as fast as possible in a single breath. We then chatted a bit and i asked her if she needed space and if my msgs from beforenn she said "of course not just busy with mom" i left it at that and told her it was good talking to her. She then said she missed me and hung up. I feel great today and for some reason have let go of everything. Ive said the serenity prayer and it's helpijg bc at the end of the day no matter how much i worry it wont fix anything. I'll keep everyone updated and although i don't think this relationship will last i can only hope that pur friendship will persevere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 28, 2015 Report Share Posted July 28, 2015 That sounds good. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about the relationship just yet but give it time to play itself out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2015 I think I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best, but deep inside i know myself and as of right now if and when i do see her I will have built up a wall to protect myself. My friends crack up at me because Im not the "best" guy when it comes to relationships and they find it comical and tell me I'm getting a taste of my own medicine (i can sincerely say ive never ignored anyone and have always come to a closure with any girl i have had any type of relationship with). Tomorrow i have a therapy session and will spill my guts out and see what my therapist says. Kay i read ur thread about Jim and im so sorry you went through all that but from the bottom of my heart im so happy you have stayed strong and are able to be an angel for so many people in this forum. We don't know each other but u have become a sort of beacon of light at the end of this tunnel. At the end we all survive amd keep chugging on mo matter what life throws at us. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erfette Posted July 29, 2015 Report Share Posted July 29, 2015 Parent loss can be transformative grief for many people. Her world is upside down - not just her moms. I wonder if you can shift your feelings of expectation to feelings of love and compassion for what she's going through? Best to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2015 Yes Erfette today was a very different day. I didnt message and didn't think too much and she messaged that she was taking care of financials and the estate will was being executed. I told her thank you for messaging me and that my thoughts were with her. Tomorrow is a very hard day bc it marks 3 weeks so ill send a simple msg in the morning and tell her that im praying for her n her family. I feel like she's hot n cold on an hourly basis but I'm here and will continue to support her however I can while at the same time trying to keep myself sane. The only thing bothering me now is why i no longer get little msgs in the morning j at night like i did a few days ago but it is what it is. I cant expect anything from her although it would be nice. Of.course my insecurities are trying to wear me out by thinking there may be a new guy but that is probably my jealousy coming through and trying to blame the change of her pattern on something other than her grief. I almost sent her a msg today asking why the sudden change and why she cant at least msg me a simple morning or gnite but i wrote it and deleted it and then just kept on going with whatever I was doing. Everytime I speak to her she sounds so normal but then when not on the phonr she's very cold and dispondent. Bipolar much? Jk i know it's all the process and ill stand on the side line as long as i have to or can. Thank God for xanax!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 29, 2015 Report Share Posted July 29, 2015 It's not Bipolar, it's grief. I'm sure it comes across that way. I remember how stunned, totally blindsided I was when Jim broke up with me. It's like it came out of nowhere. But he had a lot going on in his world and it all affected his responses...or lack of them. I was willing to wait but was not given that option, he made it pretty clear in his final note. I am glad, however, that I left the door open to being friends, to showing him compassion for what he was going through. We had months of no contact, and then when I found out his mom died, I sent him a hand made sympathy card. He called me when he got it and talked for 3 1/2 hours. It's like the floodgates opened and everything he hadn't been able to say was let out. I was there for him, by phone, in the oncoming days. And it wasn't until his mixed messages were yanking me around emotionally that I put up a wall. I realized if this was to work (as friends), I needed to not hope for something more. So I let go of all that. It's a difficult thing to do and not everyone can do it, but I'm glad it worked for us. Grief does change people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2015 Kay it sounds like the outcome may have been what is best for you, although i can imagine it's not what you wanted. Today marked 3 weeks that her father passed so i sent a simple message this morning telling her i was thinking of her and had her and the family in my prayers. Against my common sense i sent her a msg that i missed her and missed seeing her and about an hour later the phone rang, it was her. We chatted for just a few minutes on video chat but it was great seeing her. She even sent me a "kiss" msg which i hadnt received in awhile. Our conversations are weird but I'll take what i can get bc i know her life right now isnt full of a lot of activities. Anyways im feeling better and throughout the day my anxiety and worrying has lessened substantially. Im learning day n and day out how this all works and coping as best as i know how. I hope to see her soon so i can just be by her side for a bit, but that may not be in the near future, time will only tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 30, 2015 Report Share Posted July 30, 2015 The thing to keep in mind that as strange as it may seem, her behavior is not out of realm for the circumstances. Grief makes it hard to think or focus. After losing my husband ten years ago, my focus has never been quite the same sense. It really affects you on every level. It seems to me she is making effort, she hasn't broken up with you, it's mostly your own insecurities and anxiety getting a hold of you. It's important to continue making effort to get a grip so you don't push her over the edge. Sometimes we can be our own worst self-fulfilling prophesies. You're right, the outcome considering everything is good for me. He isn't able to give what I need in a relationship and I'd rather be alone than be in a "less than" relationship. It had potential but without him giving it his all, it couldn't work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2015 She called me today and we are going to meet up for a little bit. Not sure what to do or say and I'm extremely nervous. I'll probably stay very quiet and see what happens but she did ask me to bring a couple of her things with me that she'd like back. I have the end is here and I'm kinda ok with it bc at least it's an end. Pray for me guys that i don't act out and become mean, my way of dealing with being hurt. I hope this isnt the case but once someone asks for their personal belongings it's usually a way of getting closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erfette Posted July 31, 2015 Report Share Posted July 31, 2015 I hope that you can set aside some of your anxiety, which seems based in you (not her actions) and have compassion for her grief experience. I say this from experience - like Kay said, my own insecurities were fueling the anxiety, not my partners actions. Expecting her to be attending to your insecurities while she's in grief (plus the day to day responsibilities related to death of a parent, plus the sadness of seeing her mom in grief) is just not realistic or fair - to be blunt. I didn't talk to my partner for 2 whole months after she broke up with me in her grief. It was very hard, but I knew she needed space and I needed time to figure out what I was capable of. I really urge you to do your own self work right now. And to be kind and patient with her. She's suffering. When someone you love is suffering, how do you want to be? Maybe that's a question to consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2015 Ok so we just met. She opened up about her feelings and seemed very normal. We spent a few hours together just sitting and talking, not about the death or anything. The discussion of "us" came up and she told me she doesn't want me out of her life at all, to please just stay the strong one (i put up a good front). Although she asked me for her stuff she didnt take it and told me to hold on to it. You all are right. My anxiety is caused on my own, but now that i have information to go on i think we will make it through this. I will keep you all updated, but i must say today was a very good day. I know what to expect and not to expect and not to take her actions personally. God bless you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erfette Posted July 31, 2015 Report Share Posted July 31, 2015 I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope you can remember that she still may experience ups and downs, and may be less present at times. This is grief. So even though you feel better, I encourage you to still investigate the root of your insecurities and do the self work that will make you happier and a good partner. I think that's the only way to be successful in relationships anyway, even when there is no grief. "Normal" might change as she moves through her process. Best to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 31, 2015 Report Share Posted July 31, 2015 Very well put and good advice, erfette. It'll be important in any relationship to have done your self work first. A counselor can be a good asset in helping you explore yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted August 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2015 Im way calmer although i have my teensy anxiety but i think it's normal anxiety at this point. Like i previously posted, the not knowing was what was driving me insane. She opened up last night and told me her feelingd about many things which makes it easier to cope with her durikg this time. I was proud that she considers me her rock and was very thankful i hadnt decided to run away. My expectations for her have lowered and i can only wait for time to pass by and see what happens. Having her hold my hand and hug me and kiss me the way she did yesterdat only reinforced that she does care. I was expecting the complete opposite. She is a very reserved person to begin with and this has just made her pull back even more, but im glad she is dealing with her loss in a positive way and keeping herself along with her mom busy on a daily basis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 1, 2015 Report Share Posted August 1, 2015 That's so wonderful to hear! Your anxiety will undoubtedly raise it's head again, so when it does, remind yourself of these things. Keep in mind that this is a really tough time for her, it's natural that she's not like herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bangkok35 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 Yeah the anxiety is still here of course. The weekend has almost passed and she has been very silent but she keeps telling me to call later and when i do she rejects my calls. I just told her ill try again later and she said, "ok we will talk later this evening then" with me as long as I get a little msg here and there I'm ok, but im trying to be ok if i dont get message. I have a fear of abandonement and im scared she'll just simply forget me (all in my head i know, but it is something im working on. Today ill go over to a friend's house n hang out for a bit then get home and prepare myself for the upcoming week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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