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Girlfriend's Dad Died 2 Weeks Ago And I'm Lost


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Well 48 hours later and pure silence once again. I went to work and hung out with friends but always in thr back of my head is why no communication? I tried calling a couple of times and have messaged but she rejects my calls and wont even read my messages. Writing this down as a way of venting bc i have no other outlet since my friends always expect me to be the happy cheery life of the party. I freaking hate this and I'm sure tonight is gonna be a long sleepless night. I just wish she'd say something, anything. She was so sweet on Friday and now cold as ice. The worse of it all is being ignored.

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This is to be expected, you need to get a hold of yourself before you drive her to break up with you completely. You need to do your life as if she isn't there, only just being in the background in case she needs you. Do not depend on her for anything! Least of all to feed your ego! It's not up to her to give you the constant reassurance you seem to want. Work on that with a counselor. Her life is up side down and you're worried about her not messaging you or talking to you? She has more important stuff to deal with right now, don't you get that? I know you're worried, but that's YOUR problem, not hers. I know this sounds harsh, and at one time I felt the same way you're feeling now, but look what happened, I've learned from it. I didn't even GET a chance, he just up and broke up with me without any discussion, no warnings, nothing. Don't drive her to do the same!

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I hope you are doing some reading about what is normal and to be expected in grief. We often say that it is a roller-coaster ride: sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down, and sometimes we are completely upside down. And there is no getting off the ride if we decide we don't want to be on it anymore. Your lady will not be "the same" (whatever that means) every moment of every day, and for her, some days will be better than others, but many will be unbearable. To interpret her not contacting you for the last 48 hours as "being ignored" is really jumping to a conclusion that isn't fair and probably not even true . . .

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I'm sorry to be a little more harsh as well, but it seems after so many posts about the particulars of how many times she did or did not message you or didn't take your calls, etc, that you really are expecting a person in the early stages of immediate grief to prioritize your ego. You really don't want to come off as selfish here. Think about if you lost an important person. Would your priorities be related to keeping up with texts? Or Would you hope that your girlfriend would make your well being her priority? Would you hope that she'd understand the deep pain you would be experiencing and give you space to heal if you needed it? I don't know. It's just beginning to feel like you don't have a lot of empathy for her. You sound a little demanding when you expect her to attend to you right now. I only offer this as maybe a reality check. Your ego issues are yours, not hers. Even if she wasn't in crisis...you might have some work to do on yourself. And that's ok. We all do. Therapy is very helpful and I hope you'll consider it. She's not the issue here. I say all of this in a supportive way, because you seem to be on a loop going nowhere. And I'm saying this as someone who was dumped out of nowhere by my grieving partner. I hope you find peace within you, that isn't based on how much she calls or texts. She's in one of the most difficult experiences one can go through. It's not about you right now. I read a book called "grieving mindfully" to try to understand grief and loss, and it helped a lot. Good luck.

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I completely understand all of you, and wpuld think thr same if i didnt get msgs from her telling me she likes speaking to me and my texts give her comfort and to please not abandon her blah blah. But then she goes ice cold on me and then sends me ridiculous msgs telling me, "busy, what's up?" Anyways yes im getting help with my counselor and a part of what she's saying is to just run away from this and then the other part is saying tough it out buddy. I understand grief all too well and try to understand her but without getting any feedback it's quite difficult. I havent reached out today and it actually feels good bc im not staring at my phone waiting for a msg. I know im inflicting all this crud on myself and acting as a masochist, but my common sense is getting stronger and letting me know that even if she does decide to leave, my life wont end.

Thanks for the harsh words and a good kick in the a$$ guys it brought a smile to my face and some comfort in knowing that u guys write all this for my own sake. Hugs to everyone.

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Your counselor is giving you mixed messages? Sounds like time for another counselor! UNLESS you're misunderstanding or misinterpreting what she's saying.

Marty and erfette and I pretty much wrote the same things to you, so I hope you'll take it to heart. When you start zoning out again, I hope you'll come back and read this before texting her again and before jumping to wild conclusions.

You say you know grief all too well...you may know the grief YOU have experienced, but you obviously don't get HER grief response...and it IS normal. I never went absent on anyone either in my grief, but some people do! Everyone responds in their own way, has their own set of coping skills, and a very unique situation and different level of grief. It's not something we can compare no matter how many times we may try to.

Erfette and I have both been through this, we've been in your shoes, we understand what you're feeling and the tendencies you are having...we want to warn you because we have come through it and learned through the experience. We want you to have the best possible outcome for all concerned.

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I wonder if the question you should explore with your therapist should not be whether you should stay with her or leave her (which all seems to be based on how you can leave first bc of your fears that she'll leave you) but rather why do you have such a high need for hourly reassurance from your girlfriend while she is suffering? Your expectations of her are not realistic. She's actually not shutting you out. She's told you she wants you in her life. She's not breaking up with you. She's just not solely focused on your ego right now. I seriously think you need to shift your expectations if you do actually love her. When she says she's busy, I hope you will listen to her. She is busy. When someone dies there is a lot to do, for months to come. And she's supporting her mom and other family members. It's a big deal and you don't seem to get that. I'm sorry but at this point your expectations are seeming pretty self-absorbed. Why do you expect her to be catering to your ego while she's suffering?

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I couldn't agree more with what you say.

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Ive taken everything you guys have said and have shifted my thoughts to what is it that i can do to make myself happy while she works out her life. Its now been a couple of daya with no communication and im ok with that. I spent time with a nun last night that I'm quite close to and she told me I'm making myself sick over nothing. Some other pieces of advice must have struck a chord within me bc i woke up today happy and not anxious. I listened to music while getting ready for work and for the first time in days actually started dancing and smiling, it feels good. Well hopefully ill continue to feel better and dig myself out of this dungeon i have put myself in.

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Good...and if you haven't already done so, maybe see a doctor about your anxiety? It's one of the best steps I ever took. :)

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Yes i went to the psychiatrist last week and got some meds. Im doing better but ever so often I get these mini panic attacks and this is my outlet so i come and vent it on here and then u guys give me the advice and say what i need to hear (read). Compared to a couple of weeks ago my anxiety level has considerably lowered and my worrying is getting better. I actually did hear from her today and kept our dialogue very short and i made sure to be considerate and comforting. Im learning as i go and trying not to be so self-absorbed about my worries and more about her grief.

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It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself, and I'm glad to hear it. I'm still working through my relationship with my partner, and though I am so grateful we are back together, our future is completely uncertain -- so I understand how hard it can feel. It is hard. But it's also such a good opportunity to do the work on my self that I need to do, because really there are never any guarantees about relationships. We want to plan and think of the future, and we can...but none of it is a guarantee no matter what. It's a big life lesson, learning how to be present in the moment and be comfortable with uncertainty. This site has been a really helpful outlet for me as well, and I hope that you continue to heal and grow and find the love you want in all areas of your life. And let us know how you're doing!

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It can take 2-4 weeks for the full effects of the meds to work so the fact that they seem to be helping you already is really good. That and realizing some things and working on your own issues will really benefit. Good luck with all!

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Though id update you guys. Well today I left her and have cut off all communication.  I found out that during a family vacation just yesterday she slept with a guy at the hotel she was staying in.  After texting her that we were through all I got was an ok.  I alwayz knee she was a bit selfish and i tried to look past that, but she's just not the person i want to invest any time or energy on any longer.  Believe it or not im extremely relieved that this happened bc my life can get back to normal and i can focus on being happy once again.  

 

I want to thank everyone for their advice and input and hope we all learn to achieve happiness when something like this happens. Life is full of lessons and this was a hard one but glad I went through it.  The only thing i fear now is i will go back to my "playboy" ways but will try and stay away from bars and clubs for awhile so i dont backlash. 

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Oh I'm terribly sorry. I know that you invested a lot into this relationship and it's odd circumstances. Best of luck with your future, may you find true love; it's definitely worth looking for.

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Need to vent! Today was an awful day.  I cant seem to turn a page or a corner without thinking where i went wrong or what i did, and why didn't i get some type of response.  How can people like this exist? Im a darn good looking guy and consider myself a good guy but then life throws this at me.  Just not fair.  

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I am so sorry!  It's not that you did anything wrong, please don't try to accept the blame for someone else's wrongs.  I am glad you have the truth at least and can begin to heal and move on.  I hope you'll take some time for yourself to heal and grow through this.  Again, I'm just so sorry, I know it sucks, big time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well it's been a week or so and thought I'd check in.  I'm doing relatively well and have settled back into my regular life again.  It's been great seeing all my friends and apologizing to them for being a bit distant wifh them the last few months.  I received a call from the ex a couple of days ago and decided to meet her.  The meeting was very nice and cordial but she asked me to please take her back, and I could see the grief pouring from her body, but I gently told her the best thing for me is to let her work out her problems on her own.  She's still coping with TONS of issues with her mom, and i pray for her but wont put myself back into that situation.  

 

I hope whoever reads this can learn from what i went through.   I was in an awful black hole but through my faith, friends, this site and perseverance, I saw that I have to come first and put my needs before any other person.  I feel a bit selfish writing this, but if im not happy,  no onr around me will be happy with or for me.  Anyways I'm at work and had a little down time so wanted to update everyone. 

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I think you've learned a lot through this whole experience and have come out the wiser for it.  There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself first, for we are no good to anyone else if we don't first take care of ourselves, and that is more than just physically, but in all ways.  

I'm glad you can still be cordial with your ex.  She's been through a lot and even though she didn't handle everything exemplary, she's winging it.  In what I've learned in my life in my relationships, cheating is a deal breaker for me and if someone will cheat, they aren't to be trusted.  They should do their breaking up FIRST and be open and honest with you before they "move on".  It may not make them bad people altogether, but not for you.

I'm glad you have friends through thick and thin, a good friend is worth their weight in gold.  Good luck to you!

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