Grieving Horribly Over Loss Of My Beloved Cat

[Marj37]

I am so, so sorry for your loss Marj! I grieve right along with you.

Marj, what is the story behind your baby Gb? Were you told why he had the terrible breathing problems?

Do you still have Hamish?

I'm curious as to where your furbaby's name Gb originated from. Is it an abbreviation of some sort?

Do you have any pictures posted of your babies? If so, maybe you can direct me to the post?

~ Mia ~

Hi Mia--

You can read about Gb on my "Gb kitty is missed" thread. There are photos there also. And a couple pics with bro Hamish.

As for his name....my vet had a kitty named Gooseberry. And I loved it but I didn't think if worked for my

rambunctious kitten --- so I named him Gb and it was a perfect name for him. Like in the play :"Cats"

there is a song about the naming of cats I definitely think I found his.

And once again I send my heart thoughts to your sadness in missing Spooky.

[Critterdoll]

Thanks to all who responded with a warm heart once again to my latest bout of grief!

I really take to heart what all of you had to say! Marty, in the same vein as you suggested about writing a letter to Spooky, as I was saying

my prayers this morning, I spoke to Spooky directly within my prayer, feeling that Jesus was holding my babydoll as I was talking to him.

I apologized to him for neglecting him emotionally in the last few weeks before I had to take him to be put to sleep. I don't think the Lord

would be insulted that I spoke to my beloved pet while praying to Him, because Spooky is also His creation. I had a good cry as I was

praying and apologizing to Spooky. I hope he heard me and is forgiving me. Also Marty when you said surely Spooky knew (still knows!)

how much I loved him. I took great comfort in that, that I would see him again someday.

I still have a very heavy heart. I was looking at condominiums online yesterday and while looking at them, I once again felt guilt that

Spooky would not be with me in whatever new home I end up in. And also, I didn't look for long because I still feel like I don't care

about anything and am not mentally ready to move forward. I still need to give myself time as all this is still very fresh and painful

for me. As of yet I can't picture myself in a new home without him. Being here where he spent almost his entire life both gives me

comfort and pain at the same time.

It might sound very strange to some of you, but I am also afraid that the healing process will push Spooky further away from me.

I know that at some point I need to let go and move forward, but even that in itself hurts, like I am afraid to let go. It's as if the

missing him keeps him closer. I know that's not a healthy way to feel, but maybe for now it is normal.

Marj, thanks for guiding me to your post. Your babies are absolutely beautiful! What a lovely picture of them. And I got a kick out

of how you got Gb's name.

My Spooky never, ever wanted to be photographed, so in all the years I had him, I don't have one single picture of him looking right

at the camera. So because of that, you wouldn't be able to tell, he had the most gorgeous blue eyes. The friend I got him from asked

me if I was going to name him Frankie after old blue eyes himself, Frank Sinatra, but obviously I did not. One time a few years ago,

I was taking pictures of my Christmas decorations, so while I was at it, I started taking pictures of Spooky, and believe it or not, I

ended up taking about 30 pictures, and deleting them one after another, because he did not stand still and look at the camera for

one single picture. He would either duck his head or walk away as I was snapping the shot. So although I do have pictures of him,

not one is a picture you could say let me frame this. I had bought frames to put his pictures in, not expecting him to be so camera

shy, so the frames remained empty.

These are my feelings for today. Thanks again to all who took the time to comfort me. May you all have a blessed day!

~ Mia ~

[kayc]

Maybe you could make a collage of the pictures you do have? By themselves you might not view them as suitable, but perhaps together it gives a more collective view of him.

[Copperpot]

I completely understand what you mean when you say missing him keeps him closer. I have felt this so much over the past month or so. I want to heal, but healing means I have to move forward, without him. I had a recent dream about him & in the dream I knew he wasnt supposed to be there. But he kept coming to me, giving me Chester hugs. It was like he was saying goodbye. Weirdly enough, as painful as that was, its seemed to help me. Like he was giving me permission to let go a little. One day at a time right? Hang in there. (Hugs)

[Marj37]

What a wonder-fur dream to have! Whatever it means it sounds beautiful.

[Critterdoll]

I am still having a very rough time dealing with losing Spooky. It feels strange because even though it has only been a little over a week since

he is gone, in another way it feels like he is gone much longer than that. I feel like I have been grieving forever.

I try to be out of the house for hours to not think about my pain, but the minute I come into the house, the pain hits me again like a ton of

bricks. Also the mornings are still very bad for me. As soon as I wake up, my first thought is of Spooky. Sometimes I feel so much pain from

missing Spooky so much, I feel frozen and numb from it, like I am in a very dark place.

At times when I feel slightly better I think I am starting to recover, but then I break into a torrent of tears again. I guess it is like someone in

this group said at one point, the grief ebbs and flows.

Copperpot, I am so glad to hear that your dream of Chester helped you in a way! Just having had that dream shows the very strong

connection you had with him. I have mixed feelings about wanting to dream about Spooky. On one hand I'd be so happy to see him again,

but on the other hand, upon waking and knowing it wasn't real, it might affect me in a bad way. But what is meant to be, is meant to be.

If it happens for me, then God will give me a way to deal with it as He did for you since you said the dream seemed to help you. I think

sweet Chester was giving you a message.

I pray every morning for God to ease the pain in my heart and I am counting on Him to make that happen. My prayers also go out for all

of you who are going through what I am going through and may your hearts be eased as well.

All we can do is take it one day at a time as you said Copperpot.

Bless you all!

~ Mia ~

[kayc]

You had Spooky in your life for a very long time. You formed habit patterns and those are all changed now, it will take time for you to have new habit patterns, that is to no longer expect him to greet you in the morning or when you come home at night. You've also been in the habit of sharing your very existence with him, and now it will take time and effort to grow accustomed to being alone again. Grief is all encompassing, it does seem to consume our life, particularly in early stages of grief. I, too, hope you begin to see some relief, yet I realize it's only been a short time. Yes, one day at a time!

[MissingMalibu]

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I too am going thru the same thing, I know exactly how you feel

[Marj37]

It's just so so difficult to have the rhythm of life changed when they leave us. Oh - so bewildering. And while I like change and embrace

it - this is not the kind of change I relish at all.

Gb was an active boy------- Hamish is sweet and loving and sometimes I get him to play to make up for when he and brother Gb

would wrestle and run the house.

I still have the same exact thing when I return to my house. No one comes to the door. The two of them used to - Gb being the

active instigator.

All who have loved and lost know this upsetting pain.

And sometimes I forget about 'one day at a time' and then it seems hopeless. But I know it isn't. But for the moment it is.

[kayc]

And there's ups and downs. Three steps forward, two steps back...yet still moving in a progressive fashion overall. (((hugs)))

[Critterdoll]

Yes, KayC, there definitely are ups and downs, with hope that truly I will move forward without taking too many steps back!

I am also trying to take one day at a time, but it's so hard. Most of the time I wake up in the middle of the night and

sometimes it takes me hours to get back to sleep, because when I wake up, my first thought is of Spooky. I am not yet

at the point where I can think of the good times I spent with him. My thoughts are still mostly on the sadness of losing

him.

The other day a couple of antics of his popped in my head that I had almost forgotten about. It actually scared me

that I would forget things about him. I decided I would write down all things about him as soon as I think about them

so I wouldn't forget again. That way I will have captured the essence of him to look back on when I am ready to smile

rather than be sad.

~ Mia ~

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Friends,

We are back from Modesto. Amberly got off work on the 3rd at 2 p.m., and brought us to Modesto where Jerry had his lab work done at 4 p.m. in preparation for his CT of his spleen yesterday morning. We saw the cardio-vascular surgeon yesterday afternoon at 2 for the results. The CT showed the 2 aneurysms have not changed during the last six months, so the doctor said that he doesn't want to do surgery as long as they don't change. Yaaaay! Waiting each time for results is difficult. The relief feels SO good.

You will likely remember my "low flight through the Hollow" while playing ball with Beauregard on July 29 (see above). I was meeting the challenge of readjusting to being in the Hollow after my last two sad walks with Callie. I did not come through that fall-with-no-landing uninjured, as I had determined I would. Sometimes a strong will just isn't enough.

On the way home yesterday, when we came through Sonora, we went by our primary doctor's office to ask him to write an order for me to get my back X-rayed. The receptionist said that he had two more patients to see, and he wasn't seeing anymore patients. Amberly and I suggested that she go let him know that I needed to see him. She came back and said that his nurse said that he was with a patient, and was seeing only one more. She said that we needed to go to ER. That could mean a 4-hour wait.

We walked outside, stared at the ER building for a few minutes, talked it over, and went back inside. Sitting at ER for several hours, especially after our fast-paced, anxiety-producing trip, wasn't acceptable. Without raising my voice, I told the receptionist that I was going to go "friend-to-friend" to him. I told her that I have known Dr. P. since he was 28 and still wet behind his ears as a doctor, and the nurse needed to let him know I was in his waiting room now and in pain. Within a few minutes, I had my visit, collected my order ~ and my hug ~ from him, and was on my way to radiology for my X-rays.

The doctor told Amberly and me that we "are always getting into trouble." He found humor in our hassling his staff (we were nice; I promise). He and his wife have been friends of ours for a lot of years. We were among his first patients when he got out of school (receptionist not born yet). A group of us from our church (his church also) decided to help this young doctor get his start. Our entire family became his patients, including my mother. That was thirty years ago. I thought he could give me fifteen minutes yesterday. He thought so also. He just needed to be made aware of my need.

The radiology tech introduced himself as Deepak. I asked, "Chopra?" He said, "Yes. He's my father." That could be true, but I think the kid is just fast on his feet. The dressing room was frigid. He had me strip to my undies, but allowed me to wear my sandals, my glasses, and my ring. That's a dazzling outfit for a 71-year-old woman with chill bumps that made me look like a plucked chicken.

After my contortionist act on his table, I think I was hurting as badly, if not worse, than I was when I made my "trip" through the Hollow with Beauregard. My back and legs throbbed all the way home, and I could hardly wait to get to bed and find wonderful warmth. Jerry knows me well. He plugged in my heating pad right away, and said that it would be warm for me soon. I said, "Oh, thank you! I'm in love with my heating pad!" He laughed and asked, "Should I be jealous?"

Now, I have a small dilemma. I have a follow up appointment with my primary at the same time I have an appointment with my ophthalmologist for an ultrasound exam of my eyes as a pre-op for cataract surgery on August 19 and on September 9. I agree with Amberly that after our persistence with the primary, we'd better take a chance on offending the ophthalmologist. I'm not looking forward to his massaging my eyes with an instrument anyway. Actually, we are all long-time friends and "church family," so it will be all right.

Dilemma solved. I'll keep my 11 o'clock appointment with my primary, and will see my ophthalmologist at 4:30 tomorrow afternoon. Amberly just called to let me know that she talked with someone she knows in that office.

I know my primary is going to refer me. I'm quite sure I felt the sacrum and ilium pull apart. I have the classic pain pattern of a dislocated sacrum, but I may have cracked the ilium (and/or?). I should know tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to like this. I don't know how I can manage eye surgery and spinal injury at the same time. Some of you will know that it's Jerry that I'm really stressing over. He tells me that he's going to be fine. He reminds me to hold onto my faith. He's right, of course. I'm just in a bit of a dip. I'm an in-charge person "out of charge" ~ a disorganized organized person. Yes. That's it. I'll get a grip.

Amberly will be at Stockton for a cardiac class August 13 - 18. She and one of the doctors she works with will be taking a forensic medicine class together at Sacramento in mid-September. She must not change these classes. We will manage.

Thank you, dear Mia, for allowing me to finish my Flight in the Hollow story on your thread since I began it here.

Blessings and warm hugs to each of you,

Carrie

[kayc]

Mia,

I'm glad you're going to put his antics to prose, that way it will never be lost, for you or for others.

Eye surgery usually heals relatively quickly and if they knock you out for the spinal treatment perhaps you can sleep off some of it? Maybe you can have someone look in on Jerry, ask the neighbors for help, prepare some meals ahead of time? I wish Amberly could be there for you, her heart will probably be with you both anyway.

[Marj37]

Yes, KayC, there definitely are ups and downs, with hope that truly I will move forward without taking too many steps back!

I am also trying to take one day at a time, but it's so hard. Most of the time I wake up in the middle of the night and

sometimes it takes me hours to get back to sleep, because when I wake up, my first thought is of Spooky. I am not yet

at the point where I can think of the good times I spent with him. My thoughts are still mostly on the sadness of losing

him.

The other day a couple of antics of his popped in my head that I had almost forgotten about. It actually scared me

that I would forget things about him. I decided I would write down all things about him as soon as I think about them

so I wouldn't forget again. That way I will have captured the essence of him to look back on when I am ready to smile

rather than be sad.

~ Mia ~

Mia -I'm so glad you are writing his antics down. I have pages written in my Gb "book". I bought an appealing looking journal a week after he

left and have been adding little bits and love notes as I want. I needed to find just the right one that appealed to me for my writing.

There are so many little things our delightful kitties have done in their lives with us that it is a treasure to have these thoughts on paper.

I recently looked thru the one I wrote to Mr Purr back in 2000 and it brought all those little habits and actions back to mind. So it is a treasure.

I've even written with tears running down my face.

As well ,I also have my scribble "sad" journal that has my feelings -- the whole range, even some cursing!

Keep on'a writin' gal!!!! And add some drawings or pics of him. I have included one of the empty treat bags I found with Gb's

teeth marks on it.......if I didn't hide them he was opening them asap. And Hamish would supervise and wait.

[LadyCarrie]

Hello to all,

I understand the habits of so many years. My heart goes out to each of you who are hurting so deeply for your furbabies. I'm going through these habit and routine hurts also. It's the feeding times, bath times, bedtimes, and play times that trigger the hurts, isn't it? I suppose that just about covers all the time. We must come up for air some of the time, and we do. Some days, it just doesn't feel like it.

I fed Ashely, Callie, and Beauregard by hand, not only to bond closer with them, but to keep them from swallowing their one ounce each in one bite, as Doxies are prone to do. When their food was kibble, it was "two for you, and two for you, and two for you" three times a day, and two pieces as a treat after each time they used their potty boxes. After Ashely died, it was difficult to feed just the two. And now that Callie has died, just the one. This part is rough, yet there's no other option but to make a new routine (feeding Beauregard elsewhere). It's just too hard to say only "two for you."

We are really hoping we can have Beauregard at least one more Christmas. He will be fifteen and a half then. He's become more lethargic after Callie died. He was able to go up and down steps before Callie died, although it was difficult for him due to arthritis. We have to carry him up and down all steps now. He tries, but just can't make it. It's so sad to watch. This seemed to have happened overnight. He's losing interest in playing too quickly. It's difficult to believe the drastic change. Perhaps it's coincidence. We're giving him a lot of attention, and are trying to get him better again.

Writing your memories as you think of them is a very helpful thing to do, Mia, and you'll be happy you did it for years to come. Sharing your memories with us is helpful for you, and for us as well. We learn from each other, and try to hold each other up.

I love to hear all about each fur baby, and I care for each of you here. I know each of you is hurting as much as I am, and I'm SO sorry.

Someone was kind enough to ask me if I have photos that I can share here (please forgive me for not remembering who. I'm in a bit of pain, and if I go back to look, I'll lose this, and may not be able to rewrite tonight). I do have photos, but I don't know how to put them on. You guys are smarter than I about this. One day I'll learn. I've learned only how to get them to where our photo is. Even that was an accomplishment for me.

Hugs to all,

Carrie

[Critterdoll]

Carrie, I am so very sorry to read about what you are going through! I will say prayers for you that your situation will improve!

I am also very sorry to read about your beloved Beauregard! My heart is aching for you and him. Thank you for your genuine

concern for us as well!

Today is two weeks to the day that I had to have my baby put to sleep. I will try to spend most of the day outside so I don't think

about it too much. Thursday was very bad for me. I cried and cried all day from missing Spooky. I tried to tell myself to get it

together, but to no avail. I just needed to cry, and am doing so right now as well. Even when I am not crying, I have a terrible

ache in my heart that so far is not subsiding.

The corner where he used to sleep, I now filled up that spot with packing boxes, just not to see it so empty. I guess by doing

that, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that he will no longer occupy that spot ever again. Also, by putting the boxes

there, I don't visualize Spooky sleeping there, which I was doing, and I think that was causing me even more pain.

Yesterday for the first time since he died, I packed a couple of boxes for my move. I mostly did it so I don't sit and think.

Even the day when I had to take Spooky to the vet to be put down, I kept telling myself all morning, don't think, just do, meaning

focus only on getting myself ready to go, not focus on where I will be going; to the vet. I was numb from what I knew I had to do.

That was truly one of the worst days of my life!

The other day I stopped by the fabric shop in my neighborhood to visit with the owners, a senior couple who have the most

gorgeous cat you'd ever see. I told them about Spooky since they are animal lovers. They also used to have a black and

white cat named Stretch who used to parade around on the counter in the shop. Stretch has been gone now for a number

of years, and the gorgeous cat they now have is named Bushy. I forgot if it is a boy or girl, but (I'll say he) has a beautiful

bushy (hence the name) tail. He is orange, with faint tabby stripes. He is a "people cat". When I walked into the shop he

purposefully strided right toward me for that petting he knew he was going to get. He also hangs out on the counter, and

looks you straight in the eye, which cats usually don't like to do. About a year ago, he and his "humans" had an article

written about them in the local newspaper, which of course I kept. I took some pictures of him, so at some point I will

post them. Visiting with Bushy made me feel better for a little while.

~ Mia ~

[kayc]

My heart goes out to you all. I know how tough this is...been there, too many times.

[Marj37]

Bushy sounds like he gave your lovely moments of reprieve.  I am thankful for you for those moments.

There are few like that when we are so sad.

[rachal07]

My prayers go out to all of you. I am finding comfort in knowing that I will be reunited with my little buddy in heaven. I hope that you can also find this comfort. It may sound silly but I have also found comfort in sleeping with Shreks favorite stuffed animal. 

Mia - God bless you. Your wonderful kitty is not forever gone. Just know you are not alone in your grief. 

[Critterdoll]

Thank you Marj37 for your caring words, and rachal07 for your words of comfort!

Rachal07, nothing is silly if it brings you comfort!  Whatever it takes to ease the pain you are going through is perfectly acceptable.

For some reason this morning I again woke up feeling a crushing sadness and cried a whole lot again.  Some mornings I am able to get by without crying, and some mornings not.  I don't know why some days hit me more than others, but when the sadness hits, it hits with a vengeance.  Mornings seem to be the worst time for me, and as the day progresses I feel a little better.  Other times I feel so bad also is after I have been out for awhile and as soon as I come home, the emptiness hits like a sledgehammer.

I can't count how many times Spooky would be sitting on the window watching for me to come home.  As soon as he saw me, he would jump down from the window, and by the time I got in the door, he would be waiting right by the door to greet me.  I hope when God calls me home, Spooky will be waiting for me the same way by the entrance to the Rainbow Bridge!

In my prayers this morning, I said prayers for all of you as well.  You are truly a special group of people!  And Marty, many, many blessings to you for your special, loving care and attention to us all!  You have been through so much adversity in your life I got to realize, as I read about you. I was so in awe that you were able to pull through and move on from each sorrowful experience in you life and yet here you are, offering comfort to us all while you are also in need of a shoulder to cry on!  Thank You and God Bless You!

~ Mia ~

[MartyT]

Blessings to you as well, dear Mia, and humbly I thank you for your very kind words ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Mia,

Thank you for your care, and especially for your prayers.  God is good.  I realize this is true even more during my deepest hurts and suffering, for that is when I know He is right there in the midst of it with me.  I talk with Him, and thereby form a closer bond and relationship with Him.  I tell Him how sad I am, how hurt I am, how frustrated or angry I am, and everything that's on my mind and in my heart, including my joys.  Then I listen for Him to speak to my spirit.  Sometimes He Speaks to me through Scripture, and sometimes through the voices of my friends, such as yourself (all of you).  

We here on the forum hold and rock each other gently through our words.  When we go through hurts together, we form bonds and relationships.  We feel each other's grief, and when one of us begins to falter, the others step up, slip arms around the stumbling one, to go shoulder to shoulder with her or him to lighten the load.  I thank God for you and each friend here.  Each is a blessing to me, and I thank you for lightening my load.

Mia, rearranging your belongings is a good thing for you, I think.  It's my way of easing grief pain, yet it isn't right for everyone.  No physical change I make moves my babies out of my heart or mind, for they are  imprinted there forever with indelible ink.  Moving and changing things around is my way of helping to lessen triggers; even so, they still nail me.  For example, last night Amberly was sitting on the couch in our bedroom studying for a big test she has to take next week.  I forgot momentarily that Callie is gone, so  when I walked into the room, I expected her to jump up and bark to acknowledge my presence.  You know the rush of adrenalin to our "pit" at "trigger times,"  don't you?  The "rush" surely doesn't feel happy like the butterflies of falling in love though. 

Your loving relationship with Bushy shows what a big heart you have for other cats.  This is good.  

Like children, one fur baby can never replace another one.   My heart just aches to have another short-legged, fun-loving Doxie.  Our home feels SO empty without Ashely and Callie.  Our situation will not allow us to adopt again, but this time, unlike when we lost Catey Elizabeth Doxie, I want another baby.  When we lost Catey, I declared for a while that I never wanted another one, because losing one is just too hard.  

I've come to want to have a rescue baby in order to save its little life and to make her happy (and my selfish little self as well).  I think all of us are just going to go a little nuts when we lose poor old Beauregard.  I was trying to "pump him up" that day in the Hollow when I fell.  I was actually telling him that our workout was good for both of us.   Famous last words (giggle).  I was determined to get him in shape so he can live.  

I have some pretty serious injuries, but in time, with treatment, and by the grace of God, I will become all right again (not exactly the same, but good).  Mama used to tell me to act my age, but I don't do that very well.  I ask y'all to continue praying for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Warm hugs to each, (something happened to font)

Carrie

 

[kayc]

Carrie,

I'm sorry you have such injuries and pray you'll continue mending.  My prayers are with you.

[LadyCarrie]

Kay,

Bless your dear heart.  Thank you for praying for me.  Getting my foot caught underneath a tree root was a bit much for my arthritic back.  

As treatment, I'm opting for myoskeletal work, hot packs, (ultrasound?), and massage first for a dislocated sacrum, and if I must, injections in my spine.  Amberly says that they help with pain by reducing inflammation, but the thought of it is enough for an instant cure.  Yep.  Whimper.  I'm a coward when it comes to needles.  

I went online to find a Certified Myoskeletal Therapist in our area, but no names came up except our own.  The doctor wants Amberly to be my therapist.  She's very busy with classes during August and September, but that's all right.  I need to heal some first.  She gave me treatment number one tonight, but it had to be brief and light until I heal more.  

I've been active despite my back problems, which has helped me stay active.  I have fought a good fight against arthritis, and I will continue to stay as active as I can (after I heal) in order to keep moving.  I'm thankful for all I've  been able to do.  My prayer is that I can get healed quickly for Jerry's sake, as well as my own.   I'm still able to take of him, but care is modified.  I'm finding different ways to do what I need to do.  

Hugs, ❤️

Carrie

[kayc]

Isn't it interesting that we DO seem to find other ways to do things when we are injured?!  I've found that to be true too.  I haven't herd of myoskeletal doctors, but I wish you well in your continued search.  Therapists don't usually go easy on people...will that be a problem with Amberly being your daughter or can she remain tough?