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Grieving Horribly Over Loss Of My Beloved Cat


Critterdoll

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Amberly called and her mom's second eye surgery went well. Much better than the first. Carrie will no doubt spend the rest of her day sleeping for she agreed to take a codeine tablet and did not feel the block this time. 

Anne

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Thank you for updating us, Anne.  Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Carrie!  So glad it went well!

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Good morning,
 
I'm writing to say "Hi" to all, to give an update on my cataract surgeries, and to thank each of you for caring and for praying for me.  God is good, and although I'm not "out of the woods" yet, I will soon be fine.  
 
The only problem I had with the first surgery was that I felt the block.  I didn't even need a Tylenol when the feelings returned afterward.  My vision was crisp and clear, and things were so much lighter and brighter.  
 
Because I felt the block the first time, the second block was done differently.  I had the worst headache afterward than I've had since giving birth to Amberly with the help of a spinal (11-day headache then!).  My head and eye hurt terribly all afternoon, and throughout the night.  There was no ease or let up.  I'm sure the Tylenol 3 (codeine) must have helped, but not nearly enough.  
 
I felt the first block because the numbing drop had not taken effect before the dilating drop was administered.  I was supposed to have just these two drops, but I was given four drops in quick succession.  Apparently, two nurses did the same job, or one did it twice.  The bottom line is they washed out my numbing drops causing me to feel pain,  rather than pressure, during the block.  
 
After the second surgery, I no longer see things as crisp and clear with the first eye corrected.   Things are much blurrier now.  My hope and prayer is that my vision will not become even blurrier.   Because the second surgery took longer, my retina is "bleached out," and there is little difference in brightness than prior to surgery.  
 
The positives are that I can see, and there is hope corrections can be made with a prescription.  There is also hope that my retina will heal on its own and within a few days.   I am so very grateful to see as well as I do.  I'm not complaining.  I am explaining.  I am fine and am very appreciative.  I believe I will improve with time, but I could live contentedly as I am.  
 
My Meniere's symptoms are bad (I feel intoxicated and wobbly-legged ~ like walking in a small boat on water).   Stress and sodium are the two major things that cause or exacerbate Meniere's symptoms.  I can control the sodium, but cannot control the stress completely.  The stress of the surgeries and struggling to not cry over the loss of our babies (Ashely, Callie, and Beauregard) until my eyes heal are among my stressors.  
 
We are socked in with smoke from the Butte Fire, which is still burning out of control fifteen miles from us, and ashes are falling here like fine snow.  The ground is covered with ashes deep enough that when we walk, we leave footprints, and our footfalls cause little puffs of ashes to jump upward.  Amberly said that the ashes seen in her headlights as she was coming home last night, looked like lightly falling snow.  Melones Dam is between us and the fire, so we feel reasonably safe.  
 
We have friends who are evacuated, and friends of friends who have lost their homes in this fire.  Rescue teams are getting as many horses and cattle out as they can.  Between 200 - 400 horses have been brought to Sonora (where Amberly works), and others to different locations. Please remember these people and the precious, terrified, and frantic wild animals in your prayers.  Many animals are in physical pain.  One man called his son to say he was trapped.  The latest news I heard is that he has not been heard from since.  Perhaps he's found safety.  My problems pale in comparison.
 
Amberly left this morning for her forensic nursing training at the Department of Justice Building in Sacramento this morning.  We encouraged her to not cancel this training, especially since her work requires her to take the class.  All expenses and tuition are paid for, and as a bonus, she was given a surprise night on the Delta King in Sacramento tonight.   Her evening will include dinner and live theater.  We couldn't let the kid miss that.  Her room is on the Sacramento River side, rather  than on the city side, which is even better.  
 
I was invited to an evening on the Delta Queen, the sister ship to the Delta King, at Greenville, MS during my dating days.  We are delighted Amberly has this opportunity all these years later.  If you're interested in these ships (wooden paddle boats), you can find them on Google.  They have an interesting history.
 
Amberly arranged for two of her staff to be on call for us medically, and our programmer will be back from West Virginia late Tuesday night.  He would get us out in case of fire.  I promised Amberly that we would take only necessities if evacuated.  We are surrounded by huge dead pine trees (up to 150 - 200 ft tall)  that loom over us, so we are in great fire danger.  California is in much trouble due to drought.  We've lived in the same area for forty-seven years (over 30 in same house), and have seen nothing like the results of this drought.  
 
Not every tree will die, and after this time of being ugly, the area will become beautiful again.  These mountains and this forest are an awesome place to live, and they're home to us.  We stay.
 
A big Thank You and big Hugs to each of you.  Please remember me when you pray.  I pray for you all also ~ every morning. ❤️
 
Blessings and hugs,
Carrie
 
 
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Carrie,

I hope your eye gets better in time, a friend of mine went through it and it took a couple of weeks before he could see clearly.  Another friend went through it and had immediate results.  I don't know why it's different for everyone.  I'm so sorry you had pain accompanying yours!

And the fires/smoke...I hope it clears soon.  Seems it's often this way this time of year.  :(  We have extreme fire danger too due to the drought (Oregon).  We've never had drought before, Oregon is known for it's rain!

Get well soon, dear Carrie, and I pray it doesn't come to evacuation.

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Carrie, I also am glad that you came through the surgery reasonably ok, but I do sincerely hope that you start seeing clearer as time passes!  I have worn glasses since the age of nine, so I can understand not seeing clearly.   I can't see clearly even two feet in front of me. Especially for you right now it's got to be very frustrating since cataract surgery is supposed to make your vision better.  I have been praying for you knowing you would be having that second surgery.  God bless you and your patience with all you have been going through!  A friend of mine had cataract surgery a few years ago, and while she was at it, she also had lasik (spelling?) done at the same time and now doesn't need glasses at all.  Carrie, I will continue to pray for you that your life will get back to normal as quickly as possible and you can also properly grieve for Beauregard!

I went through something traumatic just four days ago myself.  I badly banged my foot into furniture and my big toenail popped off almost completely and was only hanging by the cuticle.  It was bleeding pretty badly and I was absolutely horrified over what happened.  I had to wait two days to see my podiatrist because of his office hours.  I finally got to see him Saturday morning and he gave me four shots in the toe (painful as heck) to numb it and then he pulled off the toenail completely.  He said if I left it on, it would have most likely caused a serious infection.  After that I had to keep my foot elevated.  So here I am with a bandaged toe and have to limp around and not be able to take a shower until tomorrow after not having showered since this happened.  He told me to remove the bandaging tomorrow morning which I cringe to do, because after he pulled the nail off, I saw the raw bloody nailbed and now will have to see it again after removing the bandaging.  Ugh!! I am also on antibiotics to ward off infection just the same.  After that it's just a matter of waiting for a new nail to grow back which he told me would take at least 8 months.  I'm just hoping that when it gets cold and I have to wear closed shoes, the nailbed won't feel too sensitive with a shoe over it.  But I truly believe God was with me through this, because even though this was and is horrific, supposedly according to the doctor, I should have been in excruciating pain the minute the nail popped off, yet I have not felt that much pain except for the shots, and now some pain since he removed the nail.  Bless the Lord!!

I still do cry over Spooky and went through a huge crying bout a couple of days ago, especially since I was just sitting around for days with my foot elevated and had more time to think.  This past Saturday was already seven weeks since he is gone.  It seems like the time passed quickly, but at the same time I feel like I have been grieving forever.  I have not been able to pack more belongings for my move since this accident I had, but overall, I have not done much since losing Spooky.  As soon as my foot is better I absolutely must continue packing because time is of the essence for me, not to mention I can't wait to adopt some more furbabies whenever I get into a new home!

Hugs to you all!

~ Mia ~

Edited by Critterdoll
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OMG, Mia, That must hurt like the dickens!  I wish it was sandals time of year!  That happened to my BIL many years ago, his nail did grow back fine, my little sister & niece both had to have theirs removed, ugh!  I hope you find some shoes that will work with the bandaging, maybe slippers for a while?  Good luck to you!

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Mia,

What an accident!  Shots in the toe sounds like as much fun as shots in the nose (or eye).  What was your speed when you banged your toe into the furniture?  It was probably about like mine when I got my foot caught in the tree root.  It didn't feel like we were breaking the speed limit, did it?  I suspect you are going to have one sore toe for a while.  

Your heart and spirit are in a good and right place, and God is indeed with you.  I will add your toe accident to my prayer list (I need to write lists these days), and will ask God to heal you quickly and completely.  I also pray He will keep you out of pain.

Blessings,

Carrie

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Thanks for your comments kayc and Carrie!  Funny thing (not really) was that even after the numbness wore off from the shots the doctor gave me, it still didn't hurt that much unless I walked around.  But....... I did not end up escaping pain unscathed after all.  Up to that point the most pain I felt was the shots and a bit when the doctor pulled the nail off completely with pliers.  The pain started happening for some strange reason after I removed the bandaging on Tuesday morning according to the doctor's instructions.  The toe started throbbing, and continued throughout the day and escalated to a point on Tuesday night where I had to take four Advil for the pain to subside.  It was so bad I spent all Tuesday evening crying.  (That was one way of getting my mind off of Spooky.)  I called the doctor Wednesday morning, and although I wasn't supposed to go in for a follow-up until this Saturday, he told me to come in for a look see right away.  Good thing his office is right around the corner from my house.  He looked at it and said for having had the nail pulled off only four days before, it was looking as it should (not much swelling and no infection).  He wasn't able to give an explanation as to why I felt the pain at that point in time, but I was just relieved things are progressing as they should.  I told him I would grin and bear the pain, just as long as I know there is no infection.  At this point the toe is feeling a bit better, but I'm still on antibiotic and have to apply iodine and dress the toe every day.  Kayc, here in New York it still is sandal time thank God.  I am grateful this didn't happen during closed shoe season because there is no way I will be able to put a closed shoe on right now because the nailbed is extremely sensitive and somewhat painful if I touch it.  (Yesterday hit 89 degrees and today around 87 degrees, which both days probably broke records for September.)  I still felt God was with me because in reality I should have felt that excruciating pain all along and I didn't.  Most of the time the pain I felt didn't match the injury I sustained.  My heart is more injured over losing Spooky.  Thanks be to God that my toe will heal, but the pain in my heart for Spooky will never go away.  God just softens the pain with the passage of time.  Love never dies!

Carrie, I can't wait until the time you will be able to cry and let out all the anguish you have been experiencing lately.  My prayers have been with you also, and thanks for your prayers!  You truly are a courageous woman, I have to say!  God be with you throughout your journey of trials!

Blessings,

~ Mia ~

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I have heard that some of the Native Americans had a custom that if they had an ache in their heart, they would cut a finger or something...it took the focus from the pain in the heart to the pain in the body, I guess it was one of their ways of coping, I don't know.  My husband was Native American, but we never talked about this.

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Kayc, I guess because the physical pain at the time will stronger than the ache in the heart.  It makes perfect sense.  How wonderful also to know that your husband was Native American!  I have always been fascinated with the Native American culture!  I have a number of books on that subject and always said that if I had lived during the 1700's or 1800's during the time when the Native American culture really thrived, I would have liked to have been from that culture.

~ Mia ~

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Me too, I have a lot of respect for their culture and wisdom.  Plus, it's interesting!

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Hi Mia,

Hope that toe gets faster healing than 8 months.  I cringed as i read it all!

And Spooky will help you find and take care of new kids.   You will still miss him but little mannerisms of Spooky will manifest themselves.   I see it in my little Seamus fella!!

Many hugs and paw pats........

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Hello to all,

Mia, I have been praying daily that your toe will heal quickly and completely, and for your pain level to lessen to none very soon.  That was quite an accident you had. 

Regarding my cataract surgeries, I am delighted with the outcome, although my vision did not return as it became after my first surgery.  I had never seen so well in my life as after that first surgery.  It was surely good while it lasted.  My vision is at least as good, if not better, than I was told to expect, so I'm delighted.  I am to get a new prescription on October 7.  God is good, and I am so grateful to see. 

I asked the doctor why my vision became scary-blurred after the second surgery.  He explained that this happens when surgery is done on the second eye.  This confirmed what I thought had happened.  They work together, and what happens to one affects the other.  You know how it is with twins.

I am happy to tell you that I am not in a full-fledged Meniere's episode, as I thought I might be.  I believe the medications I was given likely caused the symptoms to become worse for a while.  We all depend somewhat on our eyes for balance, but people who have Meniere's depend on their eyes for balance a lot.  My blurred vision affected the Meniere's until my eyes began to work better.  I am back to the way I was prior to surgery Meniere's-wise.  Another blessing.

Amberly is back from her forensic nursing class at Sacramento.  She bounced in late Sunday afternoon and announced that she is now a Medical Forensic Examiner.  She passed her written and practical state exams.  She says that she loved the science part of the class, and found the law parts interesting.  She isn't great with the photography part, but will learn.  She was happy to find herself average, for she had been apprehensive about the photography test.  She found parts of the information in the lectures sad and angering (e.g. antiquated laws; story of ER docs drawing straws to see who had to do the "tedious" work of examining the rape victims).  Amberly will be the examiner for the clinic where she works.  Her position at work didn't change.  The forensic work is added.

I told you in my last post that Amberly was looking forward to dinner and live theater on the Delta King on the Sacramento River.   She had not anticipated becoming part of the cast for an interactive murder mystery.  She had so much fun doing this, for unlike her mama, she's never been shy on stage.  She and her friends enjoyed exploring Old Town Sacramento, including the museums and restaurants in the early evenings. 

The Butte Fire, which is 15 miles from us, is now 84% contained ("contained" usually means to have a bulldozer line around the fire).  Full containment is expected by October 1.  Four hundred and seventy-five homes, 343 outbuildings, and 42 other structures have burned.  Most people have been allowed to return to their homes, but some evacuation centers are still open.  One of the doctors with whom Amberly works had to help evacuate his parents, and her supervisor's house is now pink due to flame retardant.  Amberly's supervisor's neighbor's house burned, so the plane dumped the load of retardant onto her supervisor's house.  I'm sad to tell you that two people  were found dead.  One is believed to be the man who called his son to tell him he was trapped.  Amberly said that she heard at work that he had only one leg, and could not get out fast enough.  I know this has nothing to do with our much-loved and precious pets, but I thought you might want to know the update since I told you that we are near the fire.
Warm hugs to each of you, and thank you for praying for me.  I'm going to be just fine.  Each of you is special to me. 
I  thank you for your care and responses.  I pray for each one here that God will meet your needs ~ and a whole lot of your wants ~ each day.  May He heal your hurting hearts.  I'm convinced He gives us people when we need them, and so He gave us to each other here on Marty's forum. 

Our hearts hurt so badly for our babies, Ashely, Callie, and Beauregard.  I've managed to not cry after surgery, but have had some really close calls.  One of the closest calls was when our neighbor Dave came to visit and reminisced about the babies.  He talked about watching them romp around the front deck, even when they were so little that all three could be held in our hands at the same time.  When he sobbed three times, it was almost too much for me.  He meant no harm.  He doesn't get along well with people, so gives his whole heart to pets.  His grief is genuine.

I'm having a bit of trouble with the font, so I hope this posts correctly.  I do hope it doesn't look like I screamed at you.  Please know it's an accident if that happens.

Blessings,
Carrie

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Carrie,

I'm so glad they're getting the fire contained!  I'm glad your Meniere's isn't as engaged as you'd thought.  And congratulations, Amberly!  That sounds like a very interesting career.

I hope your eyes continue to improve.  Perhaps it takes them time to adjust?  I certainly hope so!  I struggle with my eyes and can relate.  I get eye strain because I can't see very well with my left eye.  I have cataracts but they say they're waiting for them to get worse.  ???  I wish they'd taken care of it last year when it was covered.

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Thanks for the update, Carrie. We continue to hold you in our hearts as you heal from eye surgeries, loss of precious fur babies, and all the fires surrounding you. I hope Jerry is gently reminding you that you need to rest your eyes.

Be sure and give big congratulations to Amberly. :wub:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Carrie, I am so glad that you have gotten through the surgeries and I hope your vision will start improving soon!  I am so sad to hear what has happened to people in your neck of the woods because of the fires.  How sad about the people who lost their lives because of this!  After I read about you having Meniere's, I looked it up online because I wasn't familiar with what it was, so now I have a clear understanding of what you have been going through with respect to that.  You truly are one brave woman!  But I know God has been with you through all you have been going through, and He will continue to be with you as He never forsakes us!  If I were in your shoes, I don't know that I would have been able to hold back tears no matter what the doctor said.  Just hang on until the time when you will be able to cry, and when that time comes, we will be here to help you through your grieving for your precious babies!  God Bless You Carrie!

Kayc, I have heard that yes, cataracts have to get worse before they can be removed.  I know a few people who have had them removed and now are happy with the results.

My toe feels much better.  As of yet the nail has not started growing back yet, but despite that I feel no pain (unless I bang it somewhere).  A few days ago for the first time I was able to wear sneakers, but I still put a band aid over the toe to give it a little protection in the closed shoes.  Carrie, I thank you for your prayers, and my prayers are with you, as well as with all the rest of you as well!  I pray that you continue to improve day by day!

Marj, when the time comes to adopt, I do hope indeed that Spooky would help me find new babies to love as much as I loved and still love him.  He knew he was loved very much, and I would tell him that all the time, using a certain tone of voice that he recognized as a loving tone of voice.  He sure knew me like a book, as I knew him, which comes from living together for so long. 

Blessings to you all,

~ Mia ~

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Mia,

I'm sorry to hear it's been rough for you the last few days.  (((hugs)))

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi all,

I haven't been here for awhile.  I banged up the same injured toe again and had to go back to the doctor.  The thin layer of film that grows over the toe until the nail grows back lifted up due to banging my toe and the doctor had to grind that film down to get rid of it.  It sure did hurt when it got down to the toe while he was grinding.  He said otherwise the toe is doing ok and the nail is starting to grow back, although it looks weird.

Yesterday was three months and one week since Spooky has been gone.  I still do miss him terribly and sometimes my mind goes back to the day I had to have him put down.  When that happens I still cry as if it just happened.  In Marj's thread the discussion was basically about having to relive the pain through every new season and I believe that to be so true.  A few days ago when I was about to fall into a crying jag, I picked up a book I have about Grumpy Cat and read a few pages.  That's what I needed was to have a few good laughs to forget my sorrow.  I am assuming you all know about Grumpy Cat and his hilarious negativity.  Nothing like Grumpy Cat to pick up your mood, that's for sure.:)

A few times I have gone to a Petco near my home to look at the cats up for adoption, just to feel better.  The last time I went, there was a mother and daughter there to choose a kitten for adoption.  The little girl fell in love with a black and white kitten that loved to be held, but her mother preferred another one I named Miss Independent right on the spot.  It was a gorgeous pale gray, pale beige and white patchwork kitten who for the life of her did not want to be held.  Every time they picked her up she squirmed her cute little way out of their arms.  That's how I came up with the name of Miss Independent and everyone agreed that was the perfect name for her.  I don't know who they ended up choosing because they said they would come back the next day with the girl's father to help decide.  Miss Independent was gorgeous, but I personally will want a cat who loves to be held, like my Spooky loved to be cuddled. 

~ Mia ~

 

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I like an independent spirit (my dog has one) but I also like some loving.  Kitty likes to be held for a little while but she's very independent and grumpy and takes off in a huff when she's ready.  But she is so interactive, almost like a dog only with a lot of "cattitude" (as my daughter calls it).  :)  I hope they let the little girl pick her own cat out.  

I'm sorry you've been through so much with your toe.  I've had several relatives go through it...some have had the nail permanently removed but others have had theirs grow back, depends on what's going on with it...injury or persistent fungus.  Hopefully you won't have any more problems again.  If you can wear closed toe shoes maybe it'll help protect it from the banging.

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Hi Mia --- good to go looking - it's always teeny tiny steps.

Do you have a Humane Soc in your city?    They have the adoptable cats/kittens posted online to look at.  

I know you miss Spooky each day.  How could we not when they are such a part of our 24 hour day/night.   And the habits we have of daily care for the specific one are gone - it's an empty & hollow space.   I still have the hollow even with Hamish and the two teenage kittens and all the 3  require.

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