When We Realize Who We Have Become

[KATPILOT]

Last evening I came to a realization, an epiphany if you will, about who I have become. I am four and a half years now on this grief's journey which is enough time to have made this discovery. I now understand who I am and how I shall be for the rest of my days. I had responded to a post about triggers and thought about the changes I have made in my own home when later as I was sitting, thinking, and looking about the room that I haven't actually had a trigger moment in my house for years. My home is still filled with Kathy's memory in the furniture, décor, tableware, and so many things yet they have not triggered a sad memory in so very long. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my trigger moments were happening when I was away from home. When I travel, shop, eat out, and yes even at work, I have moments when sorrow creeps in. It's not the object. It's not the smell, sound, or taste that does it. It's just simply her memory. It just comes into my thoughts so many time during my day. Every night when I go to bed I think about how much I love her and think again with my first thought as I awake. It has been that way since that first night. I now realize that it will be that way for the rest of my life and that isn't such a bad thing.

What I understand now is that this is who I am. I know beyond any doubt that I will live this way, functioning quite well as I explore life. I know I shall always be a bit lonely but it is my choice to be without another relationship. This new me who is called widowed, will function in society, pay his taxes, and seem outwardly okay. I will however still have those sad moments and find sanctuary when I get home. For there I can let it out and not puzzle those who don't "get it". I will still travel, enjoy my sons and grandchildren, and dine with friends, but I will still be alone. This is who I understand I have become and will always be. I am so very okay with that. I just understand that I am no way anything like I was before she left.

After enough time, don't we develop a good understanding of who we are? For me, last night was the moment.......... my moment.

I am simply put, just Steve, not Steve and Kathy.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

I thought you had a lady friend in your life? I, too, have reconciled myself to being alone and that's okay, it took me quite a while to arrive there. I wanted to put my life back together but found out that couldn't happen unless George was here. So I had to adjust to my new life, as is. It does get lonely sometimes, although I've gotten used to living alone, there's times it hits, like holidays, weekends. No one to cook for. No one to help with the things I can't do, like Anne was saying today. Mostly I really look forward to holding him once again, I swear I'll never let go!

[enna]

This quote reminded me of what you said, Steve. We are different and this does not mean that it is bad. I like your last line from your post ~ "I am simply put, just Steve, not Steve and Kathy."

[KATPILOT]

I just love those truisms you find Anne. I have a few now mounted on magnets stuck on my fridge. And Kay, I do have a lady friend and I think more than one but it is just that.......friends. I would say purely platonic if that word makes any sense. It just doesn't get physical nor would the L word ever be used. I have men friends as well but none of them could ever address deep emotional issues. I think most of us here have settled into a new way of living but for me, last night just clicked with that "aha" moment. That is the time you looked at yourself in the mirror....I mean really looked at yourself, and after all these years saw who exactly you are.

[KATPILOT]

Traveling has become more a part of my life and slowly the frequency increases. I know the main reason is because Kathy wanted to travel more once our parents were gone and we were free to leave without fear of being away when they needed us most.  I was the one to drag my feet making excuses why I couldn't go. Kathy would just look at me and say  "that is so not true". We would talk it back and forth until  I would have no defense left and we would be off. And of course I had a glorious time but how could I not if we were together?  So with her in mind, I make myself go just imagining her words.  I just got back from Norfolk Va. to celebrate my first granddaughters birthday and like so many trips now it was happy 90% of the time but hitting a couple of land mines got me a little emotional. One was in an airport terminal on a layover.   I know it can happen. I know when I go to Hawaii in two weeks for my anniversary, I will have some emotional breakdowns but I just don't care. If it is going to happen, it's going to happen. The good always out ways the bad.  Just keep a pair of sunglasses handy.  I should also ad that I made a promise to her at her request that I would go to Hawaii (her most favorite place on earth) and it's taken me since February 17th, 2011 to keep that promise. Guess I was dragging my feet again.

[kayc]

I hope you have a great time in Hawaii, I know it'll likely be mixed feelings and very poignant, but I hope it's overall positive just the same.  Imagine Kathy with you and she will be there.

[enna]

Good for you, Stephen. I hope you have a good time in Hawaii even though it will be bittersweet. I really like the idea of keeping a pair of sunglasses handy. I could have used that idea the last time I visited my grandchildren in IL. 

Anne

[MartyT]

Safe travels, dear one, and we know that in your heart your beloved Kathy will be with you. ♥

[KATPILOT]

I thought I would write to describe this odyssey I am living. I got back much the same as I left but not without a deeper understanding of who I am becoming. Now traveling to Maui is quite different when you are alone. You find yourself surrounded by couples off on a romantic trip (hopefully) and you remember what it was like the last time you went. I was much the same as they were, heading off to paradise. Now when I look at them, I feel their joy. I embrace their love for each other as if it was my own for you see, love is the key.  It  draws me to them as if it was a good book, or a great movie. It warms my heart to see them when the world is so very dark right now. Love seems to shine on among the anger and hate. In this tropic paradise, all that, is left behind. I use to feel bad when I would see couples hand in hand. It reminded me of what I once had, and miss so very much. But then as time went on, I came to understand that it wasn't the touch of someone, or the companionship filled with conversation. It was just simply her. She is the one I can never replace with another companion, or the physical touch or sex or anything else. Just her. That's all. The part that warms my heart still is that I have that piece of her inside me for all of time.  When I see those couples, I don't feel so alone. Inside me she still resides.

When I speak of my life as an odyssey, I refer to how charmed I am. I can walk down a street in Lahaina and feel some urge to walk into a store where I will find a shirt with the style she would have had me wear. I'd been looking for such shirts as the ones she bought me are beginning to wear out some five years later and there they were. The lady told me I should try it on since I haven't even a clue what size I wear. I haven't shopped for seventeen years. As I stepped into a changing room, a favorite song of ours started playing which was so out of line with the Hawaiian music playing when I first walked in. It was "I need you now" by Lady Antebellum. I lost it in the changing room and it took a few minutes but how aware I was that she was with  me right then. It's okay, she does that.  I bought five shirts if you can believe that and I felt so damn happy.  Later that night I went to eat at a restaurant for my anniversary. Yes it was happy-sad but it was still my anniversary and I am getting quite good at eating by myself. I bought a bottle of her favorite wine and they corked it for me so I enjoyed it in my room for days.

You know, it can be a little hard watching those glorious sunsets from your balcony when you are the one remaining, but It's still pretty. If you look hard enough, you can see past the tears and embrace the love you still own.  When I got on the plane I thought about the last I time I left to go back five years ago. I hated leaving. I wanted to stay in paradise forever. This time, I couldn't wait to get back to my little house and into my own bed.  I fulfilled my promise to her that I would go back. Now I will look to new adventures knowing as I travel that I will never truly be alone.

[kayc]

Oh Stephen, what an incredible beautiful way to look at it!  I will keep this in mind the next time I head someplace that I formerly would have gone with George.  I have learned to enjoy such places for their beauty, alone, even as I did with George, although it's now missing the romance and sharing I once had.  But I don't recall letting myself feel the joy of other couples in the way you describe, although I'm happy for them that they have it.

[MartyT]

Thank you for sharing those heartwarming thoughts and insights with us, dear Stephen. Welcome home. ♥ 

[KATPILOT]

I'm not certain if it's age or my loss that makes me feel this way.

[kayc]

Haha, I love that!  

[KATPILOT]

This morning I was listening to a favorite song and It reminded me of something my wife often told me. She said I was to afraid to fly. She wasn't speaking about airplanes. Getting me to go places or try new things was like pulling teeth for her. I guess I dragged my feet. Often it would start with a trip she wanted to make. I always gave in after a few nights discussion and I so enjoyed the experience. The song was "Drops of Jupiter" by Train.  One line was

"A story bout a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land"

What I realize now is that I am flying. Oh I flew with her.  No, ......... we soared. She always loved spontaneous happenings. Before I met her she did so much and after enough time, I grew to understand it. I now understand that I have been doing just that. Perhaps not as spontaneous but I am flying, maybe solo, but still flying.  After I lost her the trips looked more like hell than a good idea. But, I went. I don't know if it was force of habit since we did travel a lot, or perhaps it was my way of honoring her. I don't know for sure but I do know that I am better at it years later than I was at first.  

I have come to realize that living alone is moving forward no matter how slow it seems. If I look back at the last 57 months, and I imagine it in a time lapse video, I would see how the changes are. That china hutch, or my bed. The coffee maker, my coffee mug, and so many things I never noticed have been changing the landscape of my world. I never wanted to change a thing. It would change my memory. Yet things kept changing and things keep wearing out. You can't stop the future. It's going to happen no matter what.  You also can't stop the memories. The triggers will still come no matter how hard you may try to hide from them. Even after this much time, I melted down this last weekend. I don't even try to fight it any longer. It's like you are running through a battle field and a shell goes of knocking you to the ground. then you get back up and keep going because you know the battle will continue and something drives you to find safety.  The meltdowns still happen but you've lived through them for so long, it just doesn't matter any more. One day you find you have adapted to that way of living. The best part though is that you know in your heart of hearts, you aren't denying the grief. That is a very special time when you find that you can survive albeit not as good when they were with us.

[Stargazer]

Beautiful. ❤️

[kayc]

Oh so true.  Since George died, I've had my ramp rebuilt twice, my roof replaced, my car and truck replaced.  I gave away our trailers and the riding lawnmower.  I have gone through two computers, bought a new loveseat.  I no longer get a real Christmas tree, it was too hard to do by myself, so I gave in and bought a fake one. I've lost three cats and one dog and got new ones.  I was laid off three times, finally retiring.  I am still on the Morning Worship Team but have added on being Church Treasurer and help out at the Senior Site.  I have all new friends.  Both my kids have gotten married and I've become a grandma.  My son got out of the Air Force and went to college.  So many changes!  Yet for the most part my house is still arranged the same.  How different life is without him though!  No one to talk to or cuddle with.  No one to help.  No one to go places with.  It's very different living alone.

Like you, I also had a meltdown (or two) this week.  I didn't expect to be doing this, this far out.  It doesn't happen often, thank God, maybe it's the holidays.