Tired Of Being Strong

[kayc]

Ambulances, sometimes helicopters if needed.  I subscribe to the ambulance service so if I need one I won't have to pay beyond what my insurance covers, this way it helps supports the cost of the ambulance services overall.  

I do love where I live but there are always trade offs wherever you live.  I have the benefit of living in nature which brings me peace and serenity, I get to see wildlife and live among my beloved trees and hear the rush of water going by, but the down side is picking up branches after a storm or getting snowed in.  I'm going to fully appreciate Spring, Summer, and Fall!  The end of winter is nigh!

Lest you think these recent events are common, they aren't.  They call this an anomaly and say it's a 50 year storm.  I was around in 1969 when they had 4' of snow in Eugene (which never happens!) but we weren't without electricity and phone and still had running water and did not begin to have the devastation we did this time with trees coming down.  If it's once every 50 years like they say, I won't have to worry about seeing another one.  In 69 the city came to a standstill, people couldn't go to work.  Stores were closed.  The city scrambled to plow snow so businesses could open back up.  But it was nothing like this.  This is my first time ever having the highway close up for five days!  I do remember my kids' dad (XH) telling me about it happening for a couple days way back when, but I hadn't ever seen it and it had never happened in my 42 years here.  I hope to never see it again.  

And oh yeah, Marg, I live with the wild animals!  I smell a skunk outside now.  It's not uncommon to see a cougar, my most dreaded and feared animal!  Yes I've seen bear on my property but they've never caused a problem.  I've had raccoons, they're meaner than you'd think and don't look so cute as in pictures, they're very wild.  Foxes, coyotes, I had a run in with coyotes when my son was a teenager.  He'd been working on his 4WD truck and wanted to show me it in action.  I begged off, just wanting to get out of my work clothes/shoes and have dinner, but he said it'd just take a few minutes.  Normally I pack water bottles and a granola bar or something in case of an emergency, a jacket.  But off we went, up a mountain...well his 4WD didn't engage and we got stuck in the snow.  We put branches in front of and behind the tires trying to rock it out but nope, it was good and stuck.  We had our Whippet (we called her a Whimpet) Lucky with us and we started walking.  It was 7 pm when we'd left and 1 am when we got home.  On the long walk home (and I do remember telling my kids never to drive any further than they'd care to walk) my son told me, "Just think what a great story this will make for you to tell your grandchildren someday."  "Not working, Paul", I replied.  We walked on in silence.  As we got to the bottom of the mountain we saw a sight I will never forget...there was a band of coyotes, OMG, maybe 20-30 of them in all, they were singing and dancing!  It was like we were witnessing a ritual and it felt rather eerie.  A couple of them left the band and circled around us, they were eyeing Lucky.  We took turns carrying Lucky while the other one carried rocks and threw back at the coyotes to keep them at bay.  They were too close for comfort.  We went on like that for maybe a couple of miles.  As we entered paved road and left the gravel, they finally turned back.  1:30 am we're finally having dinner!  I was tired at work the next day but had a good story to tell...

The next day Paul and a friend went up on the mountain and pulled his truck out with his friend's truck.  And he figured out what had been wrong with it.  His love affair with working on vehicles has never abated.

And bear?  There's the time I was walking Arlie on our street and I saw something large and black at the end of the road, towards where we were walking to get home.  At first I thought it was a huge dog, didn't remember one from around here like that...but as we approached closer, I saw it was a black bear standing up in the road!  Normally I like that my dog is quiet, I've taught him not to bark at deer or horses for the obvious reason...but bear are scared of barking dogs so I tried in vain to get him to bark!  Nope, he was quiet as a church mouse.  So I thought, I just need to give him the idea, so I showed him how it's done, I started barking at the bear!  Arlie wasn't having it.  Evidently he thought bear fit into the same category as deer and horses.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw my neighbors looking out their window and laughing and pointing at me!  Of course from that angle they couldn't see the bear, they just thought I was weird.    I finally made it home without the bear approaching.  He may have thought I was weird too.

[Johnny]

Ana,

My aunt was practically yelling at me over the phone telling me I needed to be strong. What my family doesn't understand is that although they know what it's like to experience loss of a loved one, they all have at least one other person in their lives to lend a shoulder to cry on in times of need. I do not.

So it only hurts me when they tell me that because nobody should have to endure the loss of their life's love alone.

You are right, I think just telling someone they need to be strong does not help, because after all, we know we have to be strong.

I believe you are already strong and are dealing with your loss even better than I am.

[kayc]

Sometimes what we need is just someone to listen, not "tell" us anything, that can feel invalidating of our grief experience.  Especially when they have no idea what we're going through.

[mittam99]

Johnny, no offense meant but your aunt doesn't have a clue. I'm sure she means well, but the idea that you must do this or must do that or as the English say "keep a stiff upper lip", simply doesn't apply. You've just lost the love of you life. It's not just the intense sadness you feel. It's the fact that losing your soul mate effects absolutely everything in your life. From the time you wake up til the time your head hits your pillow, you ache from the loss. 

It's best to do things on your own timetable, and not based on someone else's idea of what they think is "proper". Your grief is your grief. There's no rulebook in grief. It's all on the job training and doing what feels right to you.

[kayc]

Marty once said "Throw the shoulds away."  That's true, it stuck with me...

[TomPB]

Johnny, welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

The clueless are hard to deal with, even if, or maybe especially if, they mean well. I had a friend compare me to Queen Victoria who never "got over" Albert's death. I had a PCP who thought 6 months was the magic number. Lots folks just say "how are you" expecting the usual "real good" response and don't know how to respond if you actually answer. I have my expectations calibrated on the people in my life, from good to share with, to stick to sports and weather, to avoid.

[Margm]

I've never been bothered with advice from people.  I don't ask for any anymore.  I did ask one girl I graduated with, more beautiful now than in high school, still working, an elite job, kind of figure (judging here) that the reason is not just money.  It keeps her young though, so I sure do not condemn it.  I did ask her how she handled things, knew her husband (damn good looking creature all his life), they had been neighbors, high school sweethearts and married for at least as long as I had been.  She acted like it was a strange question, did not really give an answer, and I sure let that go like a hot potato, learned not to ask.  Given some advice.  Mainly, "keep busy" and that flew over my head.  Relatives leave me alone about it.  Friends are not inquisitive and do not offer real advice.  Maybe after being shunned by two of mine and Billy's young married life friends, it kind of put things in perspective.  They were still married, in precarious health, in fact one went to the nursing home with a stroke right afterwards and his wife matter of fact said he would never leave.  The other husband, I think he is 80 now, and I think he has a dementia of sorts.  They already heard the footsteps behind them, they were Billy's childhood friends and only mine after marriage.  It was too close a reminder to be comfortable with. David Wolfe's book "You Can't Go Home Again" definitely meant you cannot recover the past.  I haven't.  But, I have made a present that has purpose.  Being needed is a purpose.  I don't solicit advice and none is given.  It is my path.  My sister "backseat drives" when I am driving.  She misses her car, but I don't accept backseat advice about my grief, except from experienced drivers.  (I will remind about C.S. Lewis's quote "No one ever told me that grief was so like fear" and sometimes in the mornings when no one is around I start into an anxiety attack.  Have not figured yet if this is fear of living or fear of dying. 

[Gwenivere]

52 minutes ago, Marg M said:

(I will remind about C.S. Lewis's quote "No one ever told me that grief was so like fear" and sometimes in the mornings when no one is around I start into an anxiety attack.  Have not figured yet if this is fear of living or fear of dying. 

I can SO relate to that, Marg.  It’s quite the conundrum.  Having an anxiety attack today and feel both.  Don’t want to die, but not want to live like this either.  What I hate most about the attacks is my mind. Wants to attach them to something and will often grab some long ago bad time that means nothing now.  Amplify it and torment me with it.   Or, as it it did today, leaving my cell phone at home for a quick check at the PO for mail.  All the things that could go wrong and contact numbers on it.  Yesterday a social worker came by.  She’s nice and all, but when did my life change from friends and family to strangers?  Rhetorical, I kno w when it did.   We all do.

[kayc]

C.S. Lewis writes with authenticity.  A very real person with a very real love, and very real grief, and it shows.

[Margm]

Yesterday I received a message on FB from a friend through high school, had been my best friend for awhile.  She had undergone back surgery, L4-L5, and could not sleep in her bed because of the pain.  She cannot take the opioids (neither can I) and was going to have an epidural (I think), that is not what she spelled.  She wanted to sleep in her bed but couldn't.  She lost her husband a few months before Billy left.  She has grown children and grandchildren so I asked her did she have help.  She does not.  I did not ask why.  She lives in Wisconsin, I cannot reach her.  Her sister from our old hometown has Alzheimer's.  She would not come back anyhow.  I will order a book from Amazon (it is only $1.99), but right now need to help someone so won't have money till the first.  This book is a legend about two old women left behind by their tribe in the Arctic region because they were too much trouble to take care of, and the story of these two elderly women not only surviving, but thriving.  We all have a purpose of somewhat.  I don't do things because of Billy anymore, but I do help others that are close to me and sometimes when I am alone with too much time to think, still knowing I have a purpose, my flight/fight impulse runs into a bowl of jelly.  And my friends, you who are fighting alone battles, my friend in Wisconsin, well.............my heart is just with you all and that does not help one damn bit.  Remember when you chew all the sweet out of gum and you throw it out?  Well, that is when my anxiety takes over.

[kayc]

I read that book a few months ago, Marg and it is wonderful!  It is an encouraging story of survival. I also loved that they not only survived but helped the family/tribe that left them to die.  It's a lesson of forgiveness as well as survival.  I think in their quest to survive, they did find themselves and their purpose.  Bless you for wanting to reach out to her, that will be a good read for her.

[Margm]

And that is what you do, and all the others, too many to list, we just survive.  Until Billy I was really not familiar with death.  My dad was gone, but he and I had cancer at the same time and were fighting on two different fields.  He and my two best friends fighting it at the same time.  One out of four lived.  You have survivor's guilt.  I watch my granddaughter, afraid to face life out in front of people and I think about how much life I hope she has to live, and I hope it is good.  She told me I had already faced all those things, and she is scared.  And, that is why she goes to counseling.  I look at the new trees at Walmart waiting to be planted and I think, "done that."  I have one more adventure.  I sure don't want to be a burden to anyone. That scares me most. 

[scba]

On 3/25/2019 at 10:06 PM, Johnny said:

Ana,

......

You are right, I think just telling someone they need to be strong does not help, because after all, we know we have to be strong.

I believe you are already strong and are dealing with your loss even better than I am.

Hello Johnny,

I´m very sorry for your loss, and glad you find your way till this forum, which is of tremendous help. There are no judgment here, nor a race to see who is doing better. In fact, what´s a good grief? 

We are all strong, IN SPITE OF the personal tragedy we are all enduring and coping with. 

I´m strong but not for conviction, rather than survival necessity. I never asked nor wanted to be who I am today. I didn`t need this in order to learn life lessons. So, when non-mourners tell me "you`re strong" it feels like a stone medal. My inner "me" is silently saying "who cares? I couldn`t care less if I`m strong, I lost the love of my life! I don`t want to be strong, I want him back!".

My problem is that I´m very much aware about what caused this present time. 5 years later I struggle with this new life, this new me, and a supposed legacy from him which I cannot feel nor see. I`m not wiser, though it feels like I have been chosen to be revealed "the other side of the coin".  I have experienced it all: living in hell, not wanting to live, emptiness, void, anxiety, hoplesness, profound sadness, lack of purpose, a pain that has no name, fear, panic, crying out of nowhere. 

Yet, here I am. 

I have never been happy again and of that too, I`m aware from time to time. In fact, I got used to live with unhapiness, and somehow it doesn`t hurt anymore as before. Maybe it`s brain fog, brain cheating, brain tricks.

I made a math count, If I live till 80 y/o I would have spent more than 10 hundred days without him. At this figure, I´m oriented to believe in an eternal afterlife. That´s the only thing I could think of in terms of "repairing" what´s been done.

Grief feels like crazy. 

It´s not about that someone is dealing with grief better, we do what we can. Really. We all do. You do too. It takes one day at a time. The first two years are very, very hard. 

Peace to you,

Ana

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have one more adventure.  I sure don't want to be a burden to anyone. That scares me most. 

What adventure are you referring to, Marg?

[Margm]

I don't like the reality of the word "dying" even if it is the right one.  So, I will just say "leaving this body behind."

 

[Cookie]

On 3/29/2019 at 9:51 AM, scba said:

Hello Johnny,

I´m very sorry for your loss, and glad you find your way till this forum, which is of tremendous help. There are no judgment here, nor a race to see who is doing better. In fact, what´s a good grief? 

We are all strong, IN SPITE OF the personal tragedy we are all enduring and coping with. 

I´m strong but not for conviction, rather than survival necessity. I never asked nor wanted to be who I am today. I didn`t need this in order to learn life lessons. So, when non-mourners tell me "you`re strong" it feels like a stone medal. My inner "me" is silently saying "who cares? I couldn`t care less if I`m strong, I lost the love of my life! I don`t want to be strong, I want him back!".

My problem is that I´m very much aware about what caused this present time. 5 years later I struggle with this new life, this new me, and a supposed legacy from him which I cannot feel nor see. I`m not wiser, though it feels like I have been chosen to be revealed "the other side of the coin".  I have experienced it all: living in hell, not wanting to live, emptiness, void, anxiety, hoplesness, profound sadness, lack of purpose, a pain that has no name, fear, panic, crying out of nowhere. 

Yet, here I am. 

I have never been happy again and of that too, I`m aware from time to time. In fact, I got used to live with unhapiness, and somehow it doesn`t hurt anymore as before. Maybe it`s brain fog, brain cheating, brain tricks.

I made a math count, If I live till 80 y/o I would have spent more than 10 hundred days without him. At this figure, I´m oriented to believe in an eternal afterlife. That´s the only thing I could think of in terms of "repairing" what´s been done.

Grief feels like crazy. 

It´s not about that someone is dealing with grief better, we do what we can. Really. We all do. You do too. It takes one day at a time. The first two years are very, very hard. 

Peace to you,

Ana

Ana: what you said here really spoke to me.  It will be 4 years in June, and I am now starting an antidepressant because I am so tired of the constant anxiety and then depression/sorrow I've experienced since the day he died.  I've tried everything to combat it.  I also don't feel happy and would love to find my way back, but would take just some peace.  It's so hard to realize this far down the line that it might not get "better" like everyone said it would--grief books and groups.  I guess some people find someone else and that helps a great deal because I find what is a soul killer to me is the loss of the close connection with another (but that particular another), which is not so simple to replicate, but I hear all the time of people finding others to create that with.  I guess it's not in the cards for me......although I would like it, I can't imagine who I could get that close to again and comfortable with.  The idea of dating sounds very stressful.....anyway, hugs to you, Cookie

[Cookie]

On 3/26/2019 at 4:55 PM, Gwenivere said:

I can SO relate to that, Marg.  It’s quite the conundrum.  Having an anxiety attack today and feel both.  Don’t want to die, but not want to live like this either.  What I hate most about the attacks is my mind. Wants to attach them to something and will often grab some long ago bad time that means nothing now.  Amplify it and torment me with it.   Or, as it it did today, leaving my cell phone at home for a quick check at the PO for mail.  All the things that could go wrong and contact numbers on it.  Yesterday a social worker came by.  She’s nice and all, but when did my life change from friends and family to strangers?  Rhetorical, I kno w when it did.   We all do.

Oh you guys, that is exactly what I have been living with for almost 4 years since the day John died....that anxiety and the way you describe it sounds exactly like what I feel.  There is such comfort in hearing that you are not the only one, although, I am not happy it's happening to anyone else.  It has driven me to try an antidepressant, something I said I would never do.  I'm just so tired of it.  It's exhausting; feels like it's sapping the life out of me, and it's not something you can explain easily to anyone else unless they've experienced it.  I tried to share with a friend and she said she was surprised, that I always seemed to upbeat and engaged (imagine that!).  I ended up feeling like such a failure when I had to admit that I was not.  Failure at grief....F-.......I know, everyone will say you can't fail grief, but why do I feel like I have anyway.....hugs to all, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

You didn’t fail anything, Cookie.  Deep down I am hoping you know that.  I’m into year 5 and have ditched anything told to me by outsiders.  That’s the only good that has come from this.  I take antidepressants too, but did before he left.  They may help you at least make sense of the jumbled thinking.  They won’t cure the grief of course.  I was once told they don’t give out badges for suffering.  You can always change your mind on the meds and ditch them.  I wish they worked faster, but it takes weeks to know.  Maybe look at it as a tool, option and think if is it worth trying.  You’re not committed to anything.  I, personally, don’t think mine are doing a damn thing now, but I’ve been on them for years, it would be hell to get off and I might find I feel worse.  So I just take them and push on.  Last thing I need is withdrawl.  Do look into that would be my recommendation.  Weigh the possible pros and cons.  But I must reiterate this again.....cover your ears....

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!  YOU ARE GRIEVING THE LOVE Of YOUR LIFE!   

Oh, and I’ve been told how well I am doing too. HA!  They don’t see me when I’m alone.  My counselors know the real me I have become.  That adds to the loneliness when people think that all this time has worked some magic.  I was just at the grocery store and put several things back because I knew I couldn’t use them in time before going bad.  The ripples are endless.

[Kieron]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The ripples are endless.

I wish I could simultaneously "heart" this and "upvote" this, Gwen.

[kayc]

ABSOLUTELY NOT A FAILURE!  That word should be stricken from your vocabulary with regards to yourself!  All of us are survivors and we may not feel brave but we've had to be courageous just to continue in the face of adversity and the absence of what we deemed best in our lives...our loved ones.

 

[Gwenivere]

Question,.....what is the difference supposed to mean between reacting and upvoting?

[MartyT]

Frankly, Gwen, I have no idea. It's a feature that comes with our site. I just know that if you hover over the heart icon at the base of a post, another icon appears next to it, giving you the option of clicking on "Upvote" ~ and if you just double-click on the heart, it registers as "Like." Clear as mud, I know . . .

[Kieron]

haha, I just meant there were things about Gwen's post that I could cheer on, hence  "Upvote", and things I could relate to or empathized with, hence the "heart."   Maybe this 😍 would suffice for both. 

[Cookie]

On 4/10/2019 at 10:47 PM, Gwenivere said:

You didn’t fail anything, Cookie.  Deep down I am hoping you know that.  I’m into year 5 and have ditched anything told to me by outsiders.  That’s the only good that has come from this.  I take antidepressants too, but did before he left.  They may help you at least make sense of the jumbled thinking.  They won’t cure the grief of course.  I was once told they don’t give out badges for suffering.  You can always change your mind on the meds and ditch them.  I wish they worked faster, but it takes weeks to know.  Maybe look at it as a tool, option and think if is it worth trying.  You’re not committed to anything.  I, personally, don’t think mine are doing a damn thing now, but I’ve been on them for years, it would be hell to get off and I might find I feel worse.  So I just take them and push on.  Last thing I need is withdrawl.  Do look into that would be my recommendation.  Weigh the possible pros and cons.  But I must reiterate this again.....cover your ears....

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!  YOU ARE GRIEVING THE LOVE Of YOUR LIFE!   

Oh, and I’ve been told how well I am doing too. HA!  They don’t see me when I’m alone.  My counselors know the real me I have become.  That adds to the loneliness when people think that all this time has worked some magic.  I was just at the grocery store and put several things back because I knew I couldn’t use them in time before going bad.  The ripples are endless.

Thanks, Gwen....your words are shuch a comfort.  I talked to the doctor about withdrawal from the med, and she said it wouldn't be a problem.  I'm not sure I believe that, but am going forward anyway because I don't know what else to do....got to give it all a try.  I agree with you about the constant ripples/triggers.  They never end, do they?  Fondly, Cookie

[mittam99]

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Question,.....what is the difference supposed to mean between reacting and upvoting?

You have two options...  "like" and "upvote". Like is pretty obvious but upvote is a bit murky. I take upvoting to mean you feel the post is valuable or important. I believe upvoting started on Reddit. If a topic got an upvote it was bumped toward the top of the topic list.