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Tired Of Being Strong


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On 10/6/2017 at 5:30 PM, Gwenivere said:

Some found others, my own mother did.  I don't know if it was the length of time or the bond that was different.  Doesn't matter.  We each know our own fate in this I feel.  

I don't think it's a matter of time but of the bond. Think of it this way, if a couple was together 50 years, that doesn't mean they were soul mates. Many people stay together because of the kids or just the fact that they've been together so long they wouldn't know any other way. On the other hand, a couple may only be together a very short time but they have that instant bond where they know they are perfect for each other.

Tammy and I came from different worlds, we were 14 years apart in age and our families didn't understand the whole meeting each other on the internet concept. Tammy's mom was worried I could be a serial killer or something and my brother in law questioned why I'd want to start a relationship with someone with a severe illness. But Tammy and I had an amazing connection and a profoundly deep love for one another.

I'm happy for those who have found love again. If that's the answer to their prayers, that's a wonderful thing. For me, Tammy was my perfect angel. My everything. The one person that brought happiness to me in a very challenging world. We were and always will be a team. She was all I ever wanted and I wanted us to grow old together. No one could ever take her place in my heart and never will.

 

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

but of the bond.

We tried once to live without the other one, we were apart six weeks and saw each other every day, so really not apart.  Then we had about 30 years of wonderful.  It was worth the not wonderful and if I had to do it all over again, I would not even mind the first month waking up thinking I was in prison.  I would not trade one moment and I would not miss or change even the bad times.  It was a wonderful trip.  In 10 days we will have been apart two years and I miss him so much.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A friend of mine told me she met a man suited or me.

This was not a hypothetical situation like "would you like to date again?". She described him, she knows him.

I was in shock. My mind started to race. I didn't want to make a scene because she is a dear friend and she ment well. I stayed calmed and found out a good rational objectively reason to reject her candidate. 

This could happen again....and I am, maybe scared is not the right word, but I don't want it to happen again and I wish I have the power to prevent it. Until now people have hinted at dating with metaphores. Now there are real people they want me to introduce. 

When se described this man, all I could think and see was my boyfriend. I asked heavens to bring him back so I would not have to be in this situation, to say the least. He was suited to me in all possible ways and beyond.

I will need more strength and wisdom to endure new situations in grief and I am so tired, I don't want anymore grief tests.  

Needed to let it out. 

 

 

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38 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Ana just let these people know you aren't ready for anything like that and to not ask again.

That's simply stress/pressure you don't need at this point.

I wish I had the courage, I had it once and I got "are you thinking to be alone for the rest of your life?"

And so I cried. 

I will have to take courage once more. 

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Ana,

I'm sorry they just don't get it.  Please tell them this adds stress to you that you don't need.  That if YOU ever want someone, they'll be the first to know.  Tell them the "rest of your life" is too much for you to look at right now and it's recommended to take one day at a time and that's what you are trying to do.

 

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Thinking of you Ana.  When we appear to function well on the outside people think the inside is in a better place too.  Too bad we humans are so hard to read sometimes.

My warped sense of humour says that we could get rings for our middle fingers.  Rings engraved with messages to share.  "not interested", "outside doesn't represent the 💔 inside", "feeling broken today" and on the flip side "let's party".  

I'm sorry that you are feeling pressured and stressed.

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16 hours ago, scba said:

I will have to take courage once more. 

It does not take courage to ignore ignorant people.  Good manners aside.  They show me good manners, I smile, hang my head, walk away.  You have given them all the attention they need.  If they are smart, they will  understand, if not, then you have smiled, acknowledged they said something, but you do not have to answer ignoramuses..  

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It falls on us to educate those on the outside.  I'm finding it isn't as hard anymore now that I realize I can't explain all the feelings which they would never get anyway.  When someone starts down the 'road of advice' I simply stop them, explain I don't want any unless asked and thank them for thier concern.  I have had to do it repeatedly with some but I have finally backed off everyone.  New people I will do the same.  

If someone had gone past the limits of understanding and actually had someone they wanted me to meet, I would probably have to resort to words best not typed here.  That is way overstepping a personal line.   

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I thought of you, Ana, when I read this just now:

Responding to "How Are You?" by Michele Jarvie

A recent conversation with a friend challenged me to remember and brainstorm helpful answers to the dreaded question "How are you?" in the midst of grief. Of course, each answer greatly depends on how well you know the person asking and the safety you feel in the environment.

(1) "The truth is that I'm struggling. I'm not in a place to talk about it right now, but if you're really interested, maybe we could later."

(2) "I've been better."

(3) "A better question is 'How are you today?'" (If the relationship is worthwhile and you can educate them a bit on a kinder inquiry)

(4) "I'm F.I.N.E." (Knowing inside yourself that FINE is an acronym for Fu**ing Insane, Neurotic, and Emotional)

(5) "I'll be okay, just not today."

(6) "As Marley said, 'You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.'"

(7) "Ask me another day."

(8) "I'm putting one foot in front of the other."

(9) "I'm vertical."

(10) "Life is really hard. I'm doing my best."
----
Also, check out this poem: "PLEASE SEE ME THROUGH MY TEARS" 
by Fernando Alvarez

"You asked, 'How are you doing?' As I tell you, tears came to my eyes….
And you looked away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given drained away.
'How am I doing?'
I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two.
This pain is indescribable. I need you.
When you look away, when I am ignored, I am again alone with it. 
Your attention means more than you can ever know.
Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! 
They're nature's way of helping me heal….
They relieve some of the stress of the sadness sometimes.
I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brings me sadness
…..but you're wrong.
Her memory will always be with me, only a thought away.
My tears make the pain more visible to you, but you did not
Give me the pain…. It was already there
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, 
You've helped me. You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need.
Be patient …. Do not fear
Listening with your heart to 'how I am doing'
Relieves the pain, for when the tears can freely come and go
I feel a tiny bit lighter. Talking to you releases
What I've been wanting to say aloud, 
Clearing space for a small touch of joy in my life.
I'll cry for a minute or two…. and then I'll wipe my eyes.
And sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.
When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, 
My chest aches, my stomach knots…..
Because I'm trying to protect you from my tears.
Then we both hurt….me, because my pain is held inside, 
A shield against our closeness… and you, 
Because suddenly we're distant.
So, please, take my hand and see me
Through my tears….
And we can be close again."

 

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Mine are "day at a time" and "hanging in there".

Friends and family want me to be "better" and have a naive picture of how that will happen fairly quickly. Especially if they haven't seen me for a while they're apt to say "feeling better now?" etc. If I'm having one of my better days I don't want to tell them, since they'll jump on it as proof I'm "moving on".

First cool nights reminding me of how warm it was to hold on to Susan.

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Marty....the twist I heard in F.I.N.E was F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  I kinda like the insane better, it's more accurate.  They both work tho. 💔

Tom, I've been using the 'hanging in there' too but have noticed people take that as almost 'fine'.  They say, know what you mean or aren't we all?  I'm more intrigued when to reactions when I say 'not very good' or something like that.  Most people get tongue tied as they are not expecting it.  But hey, they asked.  (Insert shrug here)

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I cannot say that I do not get out much, because I'm gone all the time.  My friends are in touch on FB mostly and none of them push me.  Maybe because I am so much older than all of you that they think, "well, she's a goner anyhow."  But, I get no good mannered advice from any of them. They cheer me on.  Am I just lucky, or am I just too old for them to care?  I have a bunch of loving friends and I can honestly say I love them as friends.  One little busy body one, she remarried, but I think I worry more about her because she is going to face this again.  I have now considered myself lucky for reaching all those milestones, even though we had more to share, and I still suffer from the stupid phenomenon of if I fall asleep anywhere but in my bed, if I even drift off, Billy is there.  One time he kissed me on the forehead. Hallucinations?  Why just when I reach REM sleep?  It does not happen at night.  (And, unfortunately, it rips up any scar tissue I have built up.) Xanax gives me amnesic sleep. Remember, I saw the two little girls (Angels?) on the ambulance steps.  No one else saw them.  I can remember them but cannot remember what I ate 5 minutes ago.  (Which is something I am really going to have to watch with gaining all that weight.)  I know I don't wear makeup and gained all that weight because Billy is not here, but I have to get a grip on it, and honestly, I am beginning to want to.  For me.  So I can keep walking. 

I know I am blessed with good friends who have already been through the fire, and other than the one who wanted to force me to go to the grief sessions where the people were grieving their children), all the rest have been understanding.  None push me..  But, they do keep in touch.  

The thing is, I am an old lady (I'm sorry Marty, I am using this as a metaphor) and I can count my friends as many.  I have coworkers and I have high school friends, and I have relatives.  What I am saying is this.......my graduation was in 1960, and I am friends (small school, 106 in my class) with the "girls" from way back then.  Is it possible to renew friendships from years gone by?  Look how long it has been for me.  And, these people understand, because as I said, they have already walked through the fire.  Is it possible you have old friends from school days?  I know everyone was not brought up in a close knit small paper mill town, but you have to have acquaintances from years gone by.  Just a suggestion.  One size does not fit all.  (Who said that?  It was one of the guys.)

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Marty....the twist I heard in F.I.N.E was F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  I kinda like the insane better, it's more accurate.  They both work tho. 💔

Tom, I've been using the 'hanging in there' too but have noticed people take that as almost 'fine'.  They say, know what you mean or aren't we all?  I'm more intrigued when to reactions when I say 'not very good' or something like that.  Most people get tongue tied as they are not expecting it.  But hey, they asked.  (Insert shrug here)

Gwen, I also had the "insecure" version and yes, "hanging in there" can come across as positive.

Another reaction to an honest answer is like this. A lot of people say "How are you" just to make conversation, and are ready with a cheery response regardless of what you say. So with some friends if I answer e.g. "Don't really want to go on without her", they say "OK! Cool!"

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Just had a Birthday and got flooded  with all the Facebook stuff.......Got me thinking......The early Years when life was simple........I think I have gone full circle in my mind, and want to go back......My memories aren't too Jaded, but to have that  innocence or ignorance again, we accepted life with the confidence we could handle anything............Need to concentrate  on Health and other Age related challenges ........On the lighter side, ordered truckload(big) of dirt for new garden...My time is cut out for next week to wheelbarrow  all this dirt from front yard to back.....take care 

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It is very presumptuous of me to believe that every person can have the country redneck life I am actually blessed with.  That is why I came back here.  I am sorry some people are not allowed my "privileged" life.  Even though I would not be considered rich in money, I am rich in friends who help me.  That is why I so much do not tolerate ignoramuses, and do not want you to have to either.  I'm sorry.

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I know how lucky I am Gwen.  All I have to do is let them know and we will go out to dinner, accidentally went to movie with a friend the other morning (cheaper in the morning), and Brianna likes to go to the movies.  It was nice to see her.  I'm sorry, and I know they are waiting for me, but I just don't want to go anywhere.  My widowed friend (retired teacher) belongs to a group of widows called "Adventurous Babes Society" and she goes everywhere, different continents, etc.  They have parties all the time.  Honestly, I'm not up to partying yet.  She is close to my age and lost her husband a little before Billy left.  I just cannot do it........cause, I just don't want to do it.  But, it is nice knowing I could if I wanted to.  Not much on partying, never have been. (well, I was before I met Billy), but I was a child then.  I have not entered that part of my 2nd childhood yet.

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On 10/19/2017 at 5:58 AM, kevin said:

Just had a Birthday and got flooded  with all the Facebook stuff.......Got me thinking......The early Years when life was simple........I think I have gone full circle in my mind, and want to go back......My memories aren't too Jaded, but to have that  innocence or ignorance again, we accepted life with the confidence we could handle anything............Need to concentrate  on Health and other Age related challenges ........On the lighter side, ordered truckload(big) of dirt for new garden...My time is cut out for next week to wheelbarrow  all this dirt from front yard to back.....take care 

I hope the rain abates long enough to allow you to spread it, maybe Tuesday and Wednesday.  Right now it's pouring rain!

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32 minutes ago, kayc said:

Right now it's pouring rain!

I guess the USA is just a very big place.  Down in the south, we have burn bans.  Down south of y'all, California is burning.  

Kevin, I admire your getting out and doing all that yard work in spite of the troubles you have had.  Got to keep these bodies moving, or they won't.  I sure need to practice what I preach.

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When "this" first happened, the only books I could concentrate on were written by widows, widowers.  I had to reach out and see that what they were feeling was also what I was feeling.  I made a mistake on one or two books.  One, I left at the "washateria" for someone else to read and I took it out of my mind's memory.  It bothered me so much that I could not talk to Billy.   Yesterday driving the 49 miles to my Arkansas pharmacy, (Louisiana does not like to give Xanax), I saw the clouds in front of me for miles with two eyes and a smile,  I like my imagination, do not like aberrations.  I could talk to this Billy.  

My granddaughter likes me to stay  up and watch TV with her.  Last night was one of my recorded shows, "Chicago PD" and I kept wanting to go to sleep.  I did nod off for only a few seconds (long enough for her to notice and wake me up) and when I opened my eyes, I saw Billy again.  I don't know why that happens.  I welcome the Xanax at night because it gives me amnesia from dreams.  Nothing would make me happier everlasting than to have Billy back, but I know these are just aberrations and he is not here and it really bothers me rather than comforts me.  

My daily reading by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D, today addresses what other people think our life should be now.  (I actually go days without reading him now), but today (and I won't write all that he says), it tells us this:

"So, the next time someone hints at a deadline for our grief, let's just smile and enjoy the sound of it whooshing by.  We're masters enough of our own grief to realize by now that deadlines are mere sound effects."  He had written a quote by Douglas Adams that said "I love deadlines.  I like the  whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

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Okay, I did let on my sadness and it was picked up by someone who has known me all my life.  She reminded me that I was a "Steel Magnolia' and reminded me to keep busy.  Can I tell you this, she keeps the "homestead" going and husband keeps the grandkids in another state.  They go months without seeing each other.  I want to tell her to cling to him tightly, he already has heart problems.  They are all together now and other people's life's, they are really none of my business.  I had to make Billy leave me to go fishing, instead, he fished in the front yard.  Technique was all he cared about in fly fishing anyhow.  I worked a bunch of years into our retirement (working was my hobby), and he would not leave the couch beside me.

I don't know why I am talking nice about him.  I made the mistake of going back to bed after my usual waking up time, slept two hours and dreamed he had run off with his secretary.  I met her too and they were mean to me.  So, I stayed angry with him.  Surely God would not give him a job with a secretary.  (I sure miss that boy.)

Addendum:  "Keep busy!!!!"  I have put over 10,000 miles on Ferris Yaris in less than a year.  I am busy enough.  (I don't practice what I preach).  No worry.

 

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