Tired Of Being Strong

[kayc]

I don't know about five set stages of grief, but it's anything but easy.  

[Gwenivere]

Kubler Ross defined the 5 stages of grief.  Before she died, I read that she regretted it became so etched in stone as she discovered so many other phases to it.  One was anxiety and fear and you don't read much about that unless you seek it out (which I have).  I also don't know if acceptance is truly possible in our hearts.  Yes, we accept they are gone, but the stages as defined make it sound like we achieve a freedom from the pain and i know that will never be true for me.  I think we each have our own stages, many shared, but also some unique.  I've pretty much thrown out the 5 stages because they also make people around us think we will progress them them in an orderly fashion and once we reach acceptance, it will magically be over.  We will be just dandy.  What do I know at 13 months?  How do I know how I will feel in 2, 5 or more years?  I don't know but I DO know that losing someone that was in my life for 39 years will remain an impact I will carry forever.  I think about when I lost my mother in 1990 and the years it took to adjust.  I think about and love her still, but it is so different.  A definite bond, but not one like I chose to be my life mate.  Every loss has its own pain.  All are intense.  But this one is the one that will forever change me in every way.  

[Margm]

Gwenivere, I looked up the meaning to some of the "stages."  Actually, the articles that Marty left us to read helped.  The first week he was gone my bravado was big.  I was going to get me a Class C RV, small one, as I cannot put together this travel trailer that we have.  I think sometimes when Billy and I would say "you are me, I am you" it was something that I believed in very much.  That first week I believed that I could do this.  Then, the real reality set in.  I was going to do it by myself.  At that time all I knew was I wanted out of this way too big house we were planning on leaving anyhow..  Over the years since Billy faced the fact that he was probably going to make this journey by himself (I was the one that was dying), he tried to make me dependent on him.  I had to fight my grown kids (still do) and him too just to drive the truck to the "big city."  Maybe my friend saying "Now you will be able to find yourself" meant that I would be totally dependent upon myself.  I will never have all the pieces of this big puzzle that we have to put together, but at least maybe I can find all the corners.  My grown children are right there for me.  I don't want to be the little old lady living with her children, totally dependent on them.  I am strong physically for an old woman.  I know I want an apartment, small, by myself, and I want to rent.  No more worrying about appliances, AC/heating units, floors, plumbing, chinks falling out of the brick walk and steps, fireplace leaking, termite checks, mowing yards.  If I remember correctly, when my close relative was in AA, she said the first year (away from alcohol) you do not take on any responsibilities..  About 55 years ago when I first knew Billy, right before we married, he told me he was afraid of responsibilities.  Well, we had 54 years of being responsible, being enablers for our children, grandchildren, making many mistakes.  I never wanted to be like my mom, totally dependent on my sister just so she could stay in her precious home.  But, after having someone with you for so many years, you realize you are a dependent person.  So, maybe my friend was right, maybe I do have to find myself now.  And, this is where the fear and anxiety you mention walk in my front door.  

[hollowheart]

Margaret, I think we can be very independent even while being dependent on someone else, if that makes sense. It's understandable to be dependent on Billy as you made decisions together and were together so long your daily life was made up of decisions you made on your own and as a couple, even if you didn't realize every little one. It's when you don't have that person there to bounce ideas off of, or even tell them of what you decided to do on your own is almost like a loud neon sign highlighting their absence.

I know I went to my sister for advice for pretty much everything to see what she thought about it, even if I was purse browsing. I'd gather a few and see what she thought about their styles. 9/10 she was right, they were ugly, lol, as I have no sense of style, but if I really wanted something I'd buy it. I can be independent, but I liked having here there for help and advice.

Now, knowing I have NO ONE to share those shopping trips with, or any little minute day to day thing I might do, is scary.  She  was always there and I had a choice in involving her or figuring it out on my own. Now, without that choice I do feel lost and afraid, but I had a quick moment of realizing that I can and have made decisions on my own. I believe I can be independent, I just don't want to be. I preferred having her here to help me, to bounce those ideas, to discuss and have her even make some choices for me. When you are so used to doing something you aren't supposed to get used to doing something else overnight.

[MartyT]

As a grief counselor, I would be remiss if I didn't reiterate these points about the so-called (and widely promulgated in the media) Stages of Grief:

The so-called Stages of Grief derive from the stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her still popular book, On Death and Dying. Since that book was first published (in 1969), many people have taken her findings much too literally, expecting the dying process to occur in neatly ordered stages, one following the other. 

The stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are:
1) Denial and Isolation
2) Anger
3) Depression
4) Bargaining
5) Acceptance

As wonderful as her groundbreaking work in death and dying was, her "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross' pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief. 

What we need to know is that grief is the normal response to the death of a loved one, and it doesn't happen in neatly ordered "stages" as such. 

Most of us who specialize in grief counseling prefer to think of grief as the personal experience of the loss, and mourning as a process (not a single event) that can affect us in every dimension of our lives: physical, emotional, social, spiritual and financial. 

Everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no specific time-frame for it. Although grief is different for each individual, finding a way through it successfully requires some knowledge and understanding of the grief experience and the work of mourning. 

[hollowheart]

Marty, that is a good point that these stages were not supposed to be specific to someone in mourning as I always felt odd when people would mention the "bargaining" stage in all the grief stuff I read and I'd think "that doesn't describe me at all", but of course these could very well be stages someone dying would go through. However, once that person has passed on it's over. For someone living another 30 or 50 years with a loss what do we do? And I think now society has sorta told us we should flow over these over a period of time, get to acceptance. ACCEPT the loss and then close that chapter and all is well and now on with the day. 

The only people who don't want to hear there is no time frame to grief are those grieving. Everyone else assumes the clock is ticking.

 

[scba]

Thank you Marty for your clarification! My therapist talks about "sense" rather than acceptance. And "sense" not in the way of "make sense of death/loss" (he follows logotherapy school).

The poem I posted was ment to describe the metaphor of "circle" in the grieving process. 

[Margm]

My big saying used to be "Lord willing and the creek don't rise."  I don't say that anymore.  I used to look at "signs" as magical.  I have had a yard full of red cardinals today, which I used to think "Mammaw, my daddy" but at this space in time I look at them as just birds looking for food.  Billy did not believe in my magical side of life, but he loved hearing about things I believed in.  One time walking up Signal Peak in New Mexico's Gila Wilderness, I heard distinct women's voices on the trail ahead of us.  I heard them over and over.  When we got to the top, there was no other trail or road for them to have come on except to pass by us.  I knew I had heard the ghost voices of Native American women.  When we came home and I told someone about it and looked to Billy for confirmation, he denied hearing them.  I guess that was my magic and mine alone.  That is a part of my life I want back.  That is a part I will go looking for again.  I so wanted, whoever passed away first, to be able to communicate with the other.  That is something I hope I do not give up on.  

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, MartyT said:

As wonderful as her groundbreaking work in death and dying was, her "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross' pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief. 

This makes perfect sense to me as I have never found the 'stages' all that helpful thru other losses.  Yes, some applied in their description, but looking back I do see these as more relevant to Steve than to me.  Fear and anxiety are way up there in my stages.  I don't get thru a day without an anxiety attack or two.  My crying goes beyond the normal definition to a sobbing described as keening.  I can't even form words when it gets that intense.  I had written my grief counsellor last night to again remind me that at 13 months this was all still normal.  I got a resounding yes.  Thank you for clarifying that, Marty, because we are so slammed with the stages from all sides of people that think that it is a predictable progression and if we don't fall into that, we can be perceived as doing something wrong.  One thing I have seen is society is not very patient with those in grief.  At least ours.  Some cultures fully recognize this and wouldn't even question our pain and how we have to do it at our own way and at our own pace.

[MartyT]

I think it stems from the fact that we Americans live in a death-denying society, Gwenivere. We don't see death as children and we are shielded from the reality as adults until, sooner or later, someone we love is taken by death, and we suddenly realize that we have no tools, no experience, no role modeling to help us know how to deal with it. 

From Denial: The American Way of Death, by Jeffery A. Johnson:

Modern America appears to be preoccupied with the preservation of youth and beauty, with is catered to by the plastic surgeon. Society seems content to cling to the illusion that youth--and life--can last forever.

However, the millions of dollars people spend to stay young will not delay the inevitable. The fact is that life will end, and how Americans choose to cope with this reality gives us an overall picture of our society's position on death; generally speaking, the American attitude is one of avoidance.

A major factor contributing to the American view of death is the fact that it has been hidden from us. During the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, the dying remained at their homes and their primary caretakers were family members. Children were present along with everyone else throughout the dying process and the subsequent funeral preparations (O' Connor 1).

Once death occurred, it was the family who handled the funeral arrangements. Family members washed the body, built the coffin, and prepared the grave site (O' Connor 3). The visitation or wake was held in the home of the deceased.

"Each person learned about death firsthand. From caring for the dying family member through disposition of the corpse, death was within the realm of the family" (DeSpelder and Strickland 12).

Death moves away from home and family

The advancement of the health care field altered the way people died, as well as the extent to which families could participate in the dying process. In the late 1800s, the number of people in the United States who died in a hospital was under 20 percent (O' Connor 2). According to Webb, "By the 1970s, a hospital room was where nearly all Americans died ..." (31).

O' Connor adds, "Our cultural denial of death" began as the medical profession took over what had been the family's role of caring for the dying. Doctors initially saw death as a "failure" and an "enemy" which had to be fought with technology. "As most people went to hospitals their impending death was greeted with denial ... Doctors lied, nurses lied, family members lied ..." (3, 4).

As the twentieth century progressed the extended family became more and more a thing of the past. People increasingly had a tendency to move away from home. They may live hundreds or thousands of miles away from their parents, grandparents, siblings and other relatives. Due to this migratory tendency of modern Americans, they may not be able to experience the dying process and death of loved ones. Therefore "a highly mobile life style contributes to making death less immediate, less intimate" (DeSpelder and Strickland 17, 18).

Another contribution to the decreasing visibility of death is the generation rift. Senior citizens, many of whom are in long-term care facilities, are cut off from the rest of society. Their loved ones may be busy with their own lives, families and careers, making contact between the old and the young more rare (Ibid. 19).

Modern employers bear responsibility for taking away people's much-needed time with dying relatives, as well as interrupting the grieving process after a love one's death. "In modern corporate settings ... employers are typically given just three days leave, even if it's a spouse or other very close relative who died. Then, employees are expected to go right back to work" (Rodale and Stocker) . . .

[kayc]

Yes, I've read about them, but what I meant when I said I didn't know about them was I wasn't so sure I agree .  For one thing, they don't always occur in some set order, for another, there may be more or less stages, we're all individual in how we grieve.  Some people feel angry, some do not, etc.

[hollowheart]

18 hours ago, MartyT said:

I think it stems from the fact that we Americans live in a death-denying society

Once death occurred, it was the family who handled the funeral arrangements. Family members washed the body, built the coffin, and prepared the grave site (O' Connor 3). The visitation or wake was held in the home of the deceased.

 

Interesting in that I just happened to be on Pinterest last night and I follow a couple of people that saves pins of pictures of family deaths from the 17th and 18th hundreds where families and brothers and sister posed with the deceased. I happened to come across a bunch of pictures where siblings were posed with their dead sibling(s) and it got to me as I lost my sister and I was thinking 'that would be me posed with her in a different time' and the children looked alive, were dressed, and posed.

It might feel and look gruesome to some, but of course in the day it was the only picture they family would have of them so it was very common, but I do wonder what it did mentally to the family and the siblings left behind. Was there closure to doing that? Can you even imagine today doing that with your loved one? I think it would be even more traumatic, even if we needed to (for pictures sake). Even though the deceased were handled with respect and care, being dressed up and posed nicely, but still. 

[kayc]

I think there's healing in the respect of dressing them, building the coffin, etc. but I don't think I'd want a picture of my husband's dead body, I prefer the pictures i have of him alive and with me, his personality showing through!  When I "viewed his body" it was clear to see he was not there.  It was just the housing, that finally wore out, and let him down, making him pass into the next life, but it was discarded and of no more use to him.

[Gwenivere]

When I got the call Steve had died, they asked if I wanted to come see him which I declined.  The cancer had so devastated his body beyond the man I knew that the thought of seeing it seemed ludicrous.   He was finally free and had hated me seeing him alive with all the changes.  My goal is to never see him like that in my head again.  Fortunately in dreams he is in his prime.  All pictures are of him that way as I destroyed all taken during his struggle.  

[scba]

Walking through year 2, I have understood that,

Ambiguity arrived to stay. 

Meaning of Hope, future, dreams and happiness have been re-defined. 

Missing is never gone

Pain is transformed

Grieving becomes a very lonely place

Memories are a sacred place

Sadness is not an attitude towards life. It is a response to loss

You don't stop loving him/her, and your relationship keeps going on a different level that is still to be figured out

You keep taking one day at a time, as sun rises and sets every day.

thanks for reading.

 

[Gwenivere]

I'm also finding the 2nd year harder. It's disheartening, but also makes sense as there are no more diversions of tasks and a long year of repeatedly waking up alone to a life that will never be the same.  Redefining everything is painful and exhausting.  I hope to not wake up to the slam he is gone.  Hard to go through a day when it starts with a gut punch.

[hollowheart]

I wish tears could bring my loved one back to me.  That's the one thing I have plenty of. 

[Gwenivere]

So true, Hollowheart.  If only it worked.  

[Guest Janka]

16 hours ago, hollowheart said:

I wish tears could bring my loved one back to me.  That's the one thing I have plenty of. 

My dear hollowheart,

I understand you very well.If it would be possible,I could sail over the sea...It seems to me real after all of those tears I´ve been crying so far...I´m so sorry for your loss!

Hugs and kisses from Janka

[scba]

Dear Hollowheart, I understand the feeling. The soul is longing and aching. Wounds from the soul are the hardest to cope with. Trust that with time and with work of grief the pain will lessen, or will change form. 

A big hug to all of you. 

[scba]

Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning":

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.” 

 

[kayc]

Gweniviere, you're not alone in thinking the second year is harder.  I think we expect it to be easier because we've survived all the firsts without, but expectations often set us up for a fall.  The truth is, the loss still remains uppermost in our hearts and minds.

[kevin]

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.

Henry Scott Holland.........I got this on my Fridge

[Margm]

Kevin, that was beautiful.  It is 1:43 a.m. here in the south, kinda cool, rain for days, flooded creeks and all waterways.  We might have some sun tomorrow they said.  I sure wait to see that sun come out.  Hettie, my neighbor widow, and I both have had the doldrums this holiday.  This is my first holiday without Billy, this is about her 2nd without Loyal, her husband.  They were a couple of years older than Billy and myself.  But, we had all been married about the same length of time.  For some reason, I just cannot sleep, even with sleep aids.  I copied the writing above and will print it out in beautiful dark print and go back and read it often.   Thanks again.  

[kevin]

This was sent to me and is really what initiated my spiritual rebirth.......I'm volunteering at the homeless shelter tonight, that's why I'm still up.....But you make mention of talking to Billy all the time, that's good.........\I've got my copy on glossy photo paper attached to the Fridge.....If this Resurrection has been misinterpreted I will be some disappointed.....take care and get some sleep.