Tired Of Being Strong

[kayc]

I esp. like the " Whatever we were to each other, That, we still are. "

I remind myself of that often.

[scba]

I need again to write down my angry. My dad has just told me that things happen for a reason, that an X event is God's will. I was shocked....my father saying this to me, so my boyfriend's death is a reason and so on? I swear that if I ever hear this statement again said to me I will explode. There are days that I'm tired of being polite and understanding that people has no idea and that I must be strong and endure those comments. I'm sure I'm wrong but I'm just so dammed tired of hurting remarks coming from people I care.

[hollowheart]

17 minutes ago, scba said:

I need again to write down my angry. My dad has just told me that things happen for a reason, that an X event is God's will. I was shocked....my father saying this to me, so my boyfriend's death is a reason and so on? I swear that if I ever hear this statement again said to me I will explode. There are days that I'm tired of being polite and understanding that people has no idea and that I must be strong and endure those comments. I'm sure I'm wrong but I'm just so dammed tired of hurting remarks coming from people I care.

Scba, I had the same kind of remark from my own mother. I ranted a couple days about her saying to "Make yourself happy" and that I was crazy for saying I was not in a festive mood. I definitely get being hurt by the one person you expect to get your feelings. It's even worse when that is the one person you have to go to and they make you just want to walk away.

I don't know why people say these things. Saying "everything happens for a reason" and "they're in a better place" are two things that need to be banned for saying to grievers. I don't know if your father doesn't know what to say so he says "the standard" or he is really out of tune with your grief.

I also think some people put their own importance on the loss and say whatever because they don't think you should be that sad in the first place. I have found myself saying more than once that I'm done with people.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry you had to endure such an insensitive comment, and coming from your dad makes it especially hard to hear. You've every right to be angry and hurt. Once those feelings abate a bit, I hope you'll take a moment or two to read and take to heart Dr. Bob Neimeyer's  Three suggestions for dealing with insensitive consolations  ♥

[WolfsKat]

37 minutes ago, scba said:

I need again to write down my angry. My dad has just told me that things happen for a reason, that an X event is God's will. I was shocked....my father saying this to me, so my boyfriend's death is a reason and so on? I swear that if I ever hear this statement again said to me I will explode. There are days that I'm tired of being polite and understanding that people has no idea and that I must be strong and endure those comments. I'm sure I'm wrong but I'm just so dammed tired of hurting remarks coming from people I care.

Oh, I've heard THAT one too much already!!!   A reason?  If there IS a "reason", I would have to think that Connor's death was to punish/torment him, me, BOTH of us!  Or, this one...."The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away".......how in the hell does anyone think this is even remotely comforting?  I swear.....in times of loss, far too many people "open mouth, insert foot"......a simple "I am so sorry for your loss" is enough.....we have no need to be fed platitudes. Marty gives some good advice above, bless her!  But, yeah.....I've had to work at not letting hurtful (to me)  remarks anger/upset me.

[Margm]

I was sitting with my little 94-year-old mama.  She has Alzheimer's.  There was a rare moment of recognition and her remembering me and Billy.  I wanted to cry and talk to my mama.  But then she remembered his brother being one of her 3-5 husbands.  Mama's only husband was my dad, who passed away over 30 years ago.  I still have my mom, yet I do not. I have had my mama for 73 years.  I had Billy for over 54 years.  My brain is numb most times thankfully.  Can you think how lucky I am/was to have these people for so long?  Count my blessings?  I can do that, but the pain is still with me.  And fear.  What do I do now?  I go back to our house Saturday.  One foot in front of the other.  The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step.  My journey won't be that far and I don't care.  My family, all of them are so supportive and do not. want me going back to that empty house.  I don't want to go.  I will attempt another quote, "promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, WolfsKat said:

Oh, I've heard THAT one too much already!!!   A reason?  If there IS a "reason", I would have to think that Connor's death was to punish/torment him, me, BOTH of us!  Or, this one...."The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away".......how in the hell does anyone think this is even remotely comforting? 

I laughed at how you said that. I was nodding while reading. I almost eye rolled at people who kept throwing bible quotes at me. No, that is not helping. I also hate "When it's their time, it's their time." no, it's not anyone's time unless they're over 95 years old.

[Guest]

There are so many comments; Hallmark snippets that sound good until one looks at what they really mean, then they are simply moronic and asinine. First of all I struggle anytime anyone for any reasons speaks on God's behalf especially since so many utter totally contradictory statements concerning what God is thinking.  But to think you are be comforting when you make statements such as: "God does not give us any more than we can handle" (So there are no suicides?) "It was his/her time to go." (Where is this calendar?) "God needed another angel in heaven." (HE doesn't have enough? HE's been collecting them for thousands of years) "It is God's will" (Seriously God inflicts torture and hunger and disease and accidents and war and disasters? Is this how he gets his kicks?) 

I am a good person; I have my flaws but overall I am a good person.  Compared to me Deedo was a saint.  I have never met such a loving, caring and forgiving person in my life.  There is nothing either of us did to warrant the past twenty-two months.  I would not wish what I've been through on the most evil of people.  My guess is most, if not everyone, on this website would agree.  Grief is the worst thing I have ever encountered.  Not even Deedo's cancer can compare with what I've been through in the past twenty-one weeks.  

The hard part of life is that people die and when they do those of us who loved them are left trying to find our way through the misery of their absence in our lives.  It happens. It sucks.  We don't need fixing, we need someone who will call us up and say lets go to a movie, and when I pick you up if you are not up for a movie, let's rent a movie.  And if you decide you aren't up for a movie then let's talk.  And if you can't talk then I will understand and I will not be hurt and I want you to know that I am here for you, to hold your hand, or to offer my shoulder.  I know you are hurting and will be hurting for a very long time and that's okay because we can hurt together.

[scba]

Thank you Marty for the link, and thank you all for your support.

I would like to add to the list "his/her mission on Earth was fullfilled". 

 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Brad said:

 I would not wish what I've been through on the most evil of people.  My guess is most, if not everyone, on this website would agree.  Grief is the worst thing I have ever encountered.  Not even Deedo's cancer can compare with what I've been through in the past twenty-one weeks.  

Brad, all the questions you ask about God are the very same ones I have.  Well intentioned as they might be from people, they do not see that the statements of grand plans, what we can bear, etc. are not soothing but rouse anger at a time we are raw and looking for ways to ease pain that may never make sense. They are not helped with mysterious reasons we should just accept.  I know one person who I avoid the topic with as years down the road he is still miserable despite this helpful statements and tears up when he even says them.

like you, I would never wish this on anyone.  I, too, thought things were bad when we were battling the cancer.  I had no idea the extreme devastation it would leave when it won.  To see Steve surrender and know he had to...it us a place beyond words to describe.  It was the ultimate decision and changed my world forever.  

If we find people that will be there as you described, we are very fortunate indeed.  I have but one person that comes close of all the people I know.  There aren't a lot, but I am amazed that all of them cannot come close to understanding my needs even when I tell them.  Some still argue my 'attitude' to life.  So we are forced to isolate more which is the last thing we need.  But survival trumps everything.  Even if we don't feel it, we know our partners want us to survive, but I also know they would know the most how hard this is.

 

 

 

[kevin]

I'm hearing great quotes lately, and I relate them to our Journey. What I picked up today was pretty simple..".you can't live your life by looking out your rear view mirror"..........I think the grateful dead summed it up once...mind you they were talking about music..." you can't live in the past, but you can't forget old friends".......two steps forward.....Have a good evening and all the best....  

[Froggie4635]

Here it is, 3 am and I am awake.  Too late to go back to bed, since I will need to get ready for work a little earlier today.  I will probably be a handful of people who will be at work today in my office.  My MIL wishes for me to go to Christmas Eve mass tonight...just like I did last year.  I have to keep reminding myself that Mark was already gone a year ago...that our Christmas memories would date two Christmas' ago.  My sister-in-law requested one of Mark's shirts...not sure what she is going to do with it.  My sweet Pongo lays at my feet, looking up at me with his sweet brown eyes.  I wish I knew what his thoughts were.  I know I wouldn't have made it through this passed year without these wonderful fur babies I have.  I still feel so lost at times; those times when I am not focusing on work or not caring for my "pack".  I know everyone wants to see me as "better than I was".  I have made some strides to be in a different place...but not necessarily "better".  I find moments of peace; moments where life isn't so heavy all the time.  I guess that is progress.  They say that part of grieving is about re-figuring the relationship with your spouse.  It also makes you question your beliefs...is he REALLY waiting for me?  The message of society is to strive for more...work hard and you will be rewarded.  But what if the one thing you want most is not something hard work and give you?  The one thing that would make your life whole again...to want and crave something that will never be.  I've stopped speaking this way, because in my mind, the people around me (most of them) don't care to hear it anymore.  Life Goes On...and I am supposed to just buck up and go along with it.  Perhaps I am feeling somewhat envious of all those people who have their normal life, and don't realize just how precious that is.  I want sometimes to scream at them to not squander the time...to appreciate each and every minute, second, moment that they have with their loved one.  It takes losing the one person who was your whole world, to teach you what is important.  I never felt I squandered time with Mark.  I still felt like a newlywed bride right up to the minute he died...I loved him with all my soul.  I guess I am really envious that there are couples who are getting more time together than I will ever have with Mark.  I feel cheated.  I am supposed to feel blessed for the time I DID have with him...can't really see that right now.  I don't allow myself to have the fantasy of one more day, hour or ten minutes with Mark...because I know it would not be enough and that I couldn't bear to have to lose him all over again.   This is why I don't give myself a lot of "quiet" time.

[Guest]

On December 24, 2015 at 3:17 AM, Froggie4635 said:

1) I have made some strides to be in a different place...but not necessarily "better".  I find moments of peace; moments where life isn't so heavy all the time.  I guess that is progress.  They say that part of grieving is about re-figuring the relationship with your spouse.  It also makes you question your beliefs...is he REALLY waiting for me? 

2) The message of society is to strive for more...work hard and you will be rewarded.  But what if the one thing you want most is not something hard work and give you?  The one thing that would make your life whole again...to want and crave something that will never be. 

3) It takes losing the one person who was your whole world, to teach you what is important.  I never felt I squandered time with Mark.  I still felt like a newlywed bride right up to the minute he died...I loved him with all my soul. 

4) I guess I am really envious that there are couples who are getting more time together than I will ever have with Mark.  I feel cheated.  I am supposed to feel blessed for the time I DID have with him...can't really see that right now.  I don't allow myself to have the fantasy of one more day, hour or ten minutes with Mark...

5) because I know it would not be enough and that I couldn't bear to have to lose him all over again.   This is why I don't give myself a lot of "quiet" time.

Maryanne - how well put.  You summarized so many of my thought so articulately. I'd like to comment if it's okay.

1)This is a big question for me.  Is Deedo waiting of me?  I've come to the conclusion that it is best for me to believe it because if she isn't that means when I go I will not remember her either - not unlike being born again and I remember nothing of my pre-Earthly life.

2) Put me in the numbers of those who ignorantly believed in work hard and you will be rewarded.  I used to think that people could completely control their destiny.  Not any more.

3) Deedo and I were married for thirty-six years and two months to the day.  The highlight of every day was to see her smile.  I always told her that if I were to ever get a speeding ticket it would be because I could not wait to get home to her.

4) I've also learned that no matter how long a couple have been together; when they are blessed with the depth and breadth of love that you and Mark had, as well as Deedo and I, no amount of time will be enough.  I had thirty-six years and two months and am envious of anyone who had more.  What bothers me more are those couple who are getting more and have grown not to like each other.  As well as those who are working so hard to destroy their bodies.  A neighbor; three hundred pounds and a heavy smoker- he lives on while my wife went to the gym daily, running three to five miles, ate well and did everything she could to mitigate the errors of youth got lung cancer.  Life is not fair.  Fair is a place you take a pig to win a ribbon.

5) In my support group when people are going on about just one more time I make this point.  I do not want any more time with Deedo unless there is an ironclad guarantee we would get another twenty years together and both pass hand in hand at the same time in our sleep because I could not bear any other way and I certainly do not want to repeat what I've already been through.

[Margm]

Billy believed in healthy living, but he had the tobacco monkey on his back that he would not, could not give up.  Oh, he kicked smoking nearly 40 years ago.  But that nasty snuff which he ingested internally, I believe, was what did him in.  But then again, my mama, before she started school picked up "shorts" from the churchyard by her house with her older brother.  She is 94 and still smoking. 

[Froggie4635]

So, let's make matters worse today.  My old supervisor stopped by the office to bring me some paperwork I needed.  She said something about having a good holiday, and my response was that it was almost over.  She then told me that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, and being sad...that Mark would not want me to be so sad.  She said she wanted to see Happy Maryann after the first of the year.   So, am I truly feeling sorry for myself?  Why do we automatically think the worst of ourselves?  I am not trying to find any joy....because I don't feel like being jolly.  Of course Mark would not want me to hurt...but I KNOW how he would have handled things if it was me who had died...he would have gone off the deep end and probably ended up dead.  He always told me he hoped he went first because he couldn't handle things without me.  Now I suddenly want to go home and never come back here...a place where I thought it was okay to bring my grief, as long as I did my work as expected.

[Guest]

Maryanne - 

What a lousy thing to happen. People who have not experienced the loss we have really can't get it. This is not by choice. None of us are grieving because it feels good. 

We think the worst of ourselves because our insecurities make it so easy to believe. It plays into our fears of how others may perceive us. 

My first gut reaction is does your company have a grievance process because that supervisor obviously needs some serious sensitivity training. She needs to attend weekly grief support groups and hear the pain and anguish we are going through. 

Again I am sorry you had that happen. 

Hugs to you. 

Brad

[scba]

Dear Maryanne, know that we know it isn't a matter of attitude. The pain of our loss is not a choice. We are vulnerable. I wish the world could understand. We are here to hold your hand.

on a different issue, I would like to clarify that I'm not against God nor against of people who believe and have faith in him. I just feel hurt about assumptions of God's will and plan mixed with my boyfriend's death.

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I guess I am really envious that there are couples who are getting more time together than I will ever have with Mark.  I feel cheated.  I am supposed to feel blessed for the time I DID have with him...can't really see that right now.  I don't allow myself to have the fantasy of one more day, hour or ten minutes with Mark...because I know it would not be enough and that I couldn't bear to have to lose him all over again.   This is why I don't give myself a lot of "quiet" time.

I couldn't have written this any better.  I so relate to everything you said.  I used to like quiet times because it was a warm contentment in our home together.  Now I try and avoid them.  Just too much temptation for my mind to go to places that nag at me or replay things I either am not ready to or can handle.  Seeing other problems couples is very hard.  I don't know if the sting of that will ever go away.  I hadn't thought about it but if could see Steve again for a short while, could I take losing him again?  It's tempting but might push me over an edge I am dangerously close to as it is. 

Relationships are work, but the pay off is great.  I see that now that there is no 'work' to be done.  Also the longer we were together the more in sync we became and we didn't view it a work, but another chance to become closer and keep emphasizing the love we felt for each other.  

And now it is Christmas Eve, our favorite night of the year.  I volunteer today, but have no idea what the evening will be like without him.  It's my 2nd, but last year it was like my body and mind were on a 24 novacaine trip.  Not so this year.  Times like this we feel so incomplete.  It's the worst feeling.  It's just not right he is not here.  

[Margm]

I had 54 years, 3 months, and 14 days, and I wanted 54 more.  Maybe I am lucky.  Right now I just feel lost, even with a lifetime of family around.

[kayc]

SCBA, I am of the mind that a lot of things happen WITHOUT a reason!

[kayc]

Maryanne, what a horrid insensitive thing to say to you!!  She'd better hope she never goes through this, she'll eat her words!  George wouldn't want me to cry either but he'd be the first one to understand when I did, and I think Mark would be the same way with you.

[MartyT]

Maryann, those comments from your old supervisor are just awful, and I'm so sorry you had to endure them. I'm sure they felt like a slap in the face. As Brad said, this woman needs some education about the normal grief process and how it affects people at work. If you've a mind to do so, you might take a look at some of the articles listed on this page, pick one or two, then print them out and give them to this supervisor to read. If you cannot find the words to explain to this person what you're feeling and what you need (or not) from her, this may be a nice, indirect way of enlightening her. Who knows? Maybe she will learn something, and become a bit more sensitive to the needs of other employees at your workplace who may be dealing with significant loss.  ♥

[hollowheart]

Maryann, I've been told I'm feeling sorry for myself too. I don't wake up with intentions to be sad and look for the bad in everything. We are reminded daily about what we have lost and so desperately want back. There is nothing worse than wanting something you can't have. It truly become an obsession. My sister bought me many great Christmas and birthday gifts that I still have. Daily reminders of her and the gifts I will never receive again. These are things people don't know, yet they assume I'm trying to stay sad. 

Your supervisor is an idiot. I didn't care for the pressure to be happy after the first either. How is starting another year without your love fuel to make you happy? And what does she know of what Mark would want for you? No, none of our loved ones want us sad and in daily, constant sorrow over them. I know my sister would be the same as me. Lonely and heartbroken. It's not a choice. I'm actually tired of being miserable everyday but I can't will myself to be happy. I miss just talking to my sister so much. I'm so tired of people assuming we are forcing ourselves to be sad. 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

 Lonely and heartbroken. It's not a choice. I'm actually tired of being miserable everyday but I can't will myself to be happy. 

This is awesome!  I've used lots of ways to try and describe this, especially to people that keep reminding me Steve would not want me to feel this way.  This is going to be my response now.  Wether they get it or not doesn't matter, it will simplify the never ending frustration I feel when told about what Steve would want.  Sure he does, but tables turned, he would understand.  Why can't they?  Rhetorical question, if course.  

[kevin]

 Maryanne and others, its not the Supervisor who is 100% at fault.........It is the Management and the Supervisory Training that is at fault .......My confessions of a 35 years Supervisor/Middle Management type, I had no idea what impact the loss of a Spouse or infant child had on the individual.  I feel so bad about the three day bereavment  policy negotiated in our collective agreements , the same for an uncle or a spouse, all weighted the same. Never taking into account the real element and significance of the Grief......I think today you should need a review ,before returning to work after the loss of a Spouse .......and of course , no loss of pay. This is to ensure the Employee and the Employee Assistance Program have been utilized......before a problem can be resolved, Management, has to recognise the magnitude of the problem...eg..(air traffic controller,pilot,medical aid/crane operator),............