Gwenivere Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 Oh, Brad! That brought tears to my eyes. How I wish we made it that far too! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 That was supposed to be George and me. How I envy them! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 Billy's illness was such a surprise, so aggressive, so fast, he went from cane, to walker, to wheelchair so fast and for such a short dignity robbing time that I think he saw there was no future, and in those five short weeks he could not talk to me. My telling him I could not live without him, we were going to have a miracle robbed us of talking. What idiot robs the final curtain with anger? Me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 50 minutes ago, Marg M said: Billy's illness was such a surprise, so aggressive, so fast, he went from cane, to walker, to wheelchair so fast and for such a short dignity robbing time that I think he saw there was no future, and in those five short weeks he could not talk to me. My telling him I could not live without him, we were going to have a miracle robbed us of talking. What idiot robs the final curtain with anger? Me. Marg, I'm so sorry you have those last thoughts. I feel very similar, as I've said multiple times and I have those same feelings. I think 'what idiot sees someone barely conscious and waits until the next morning to try to get someone to the hospital who can barely walk instead of calling an ambulance? Oh, me! Right here!' I have condensed that story to other people instead of here because I'm embarrassed to tell people I'm so stupid. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I can forgive other people, so can you, the thing we all cannot forgive is ourselves. Maybe that is what all my widow friends mean when they say it gets easier. Maybe we learn to forgive ourselves. That is one thing my being older has over the younger ones. My classmates of over 50 years ago, my working friends of 43 years, so many have already walked this path. I have to believe their experience might help me on my shorter journey. Nothing will ever be the same. Anything with the year 2015 has to be avoided. My favorite season of autumn will be avoided. But living cannot be avoided. The one left must stay. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 50 minutes ago, Marg M said: I can forgive other people, so can you, the thing we all cannot forgive is ourselves. Maybe that is what all my widow friends mean when they say it gets easier. Maybe we learn to forgive ourselves. That is one thing my being older has over the younger ones. My classmates of over 50 years ago, my working friends of 43 years, so many have already walked this path. I have to believe their experience might help me on my shorter journey. Nothing will ever be the same. Anything with the year 2015 has to be avoided. My favorite season of autumn will be avoided. But living cannot be avoided. The one left must stay. Dearest Margaret, the autumn is my most favourite season,too.I like it very much!It also was the last season of me and my beloved man Jan...our happiest time...unforgettable forever! With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I thought that picture would be Dale and me too. We always joked about getting old together and how we would have to help each other get around and do things. Well in 4 months he went from being a strong able man, to not being able to drive, to walking with a cane and not enough strength to get off the couch without help, which I gladly gave that help and wish he was still here for me to continue helping. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I looked at something on Dr. Phil where two ladies were getting their kids ready to go somewhere. One of the ladies left the front door open and the other ladies toddler came out and got behind the car and the lady who left the door open backed up over her. The mother of the little girl said she does not blame her but of course the other lady is very guilty and blames herself. I wondered if that mother honestly does blame her, I really think she does, even if it was for a little while, but she would probably never admit it. I kept thinking how does that lady move on? I don't know if they still see each other, but how do you live with yourself and move on, especially if they still see each other. It was truly an accident, even if she did leave the door open. I just don't know. I know we didn't make our partners ill but there are always a million what ifs. I guess when I hear about people living with heart problems, they still live a healthy life or they had surgery of some kind and things are better I do feel like I robbed my sister of that opportunity because I didn't rush her to a hospital in time. I still believe had she gone when she was JUST starting to feel funny she could have been saved. We just let it get worse and worse and there might have been no coming back by the time we even attempted to try. So because of that I can't help but blame myself. I know people who rush to the ER because of a splinter and I wish I was one of those people. I don't know why I wouldnt' rush her out of there knowing she had heart problems of all things. Just stupid. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 On Thursday, February 25, 2016 at 6:21 PM, Marg M said: . My plan, my only plan was his recovery. I never would accept anything else. Our plan was his recovery, too. There was no option B discussed. I never said goodbye. It was like that shuttle that exploded in the 80s , the Challenger. No farewell, just confidence, faith, trust that ev3rything was going to be well, and the all exploded in our faces. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 HH, it is not stupid what you are thinking. On the contrary, it is very real, honest and no feelings are stupid. Have you consider to address a grief counselor to help you with that? I have no clue in which other way to deal with guilt than with therapy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 4, 2016 Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 Janka, Autumn is my favorite time of year too, George and I loved it, the crisp Fall air, the leaves turning color, a beautiful time for drives! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 4, 2016 Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 Billy and I traveled these back roads in Arkansas taking October pictures. I am surprised I can go back and look. A week ago I couldn't. One of Billy's hobbies was photography. He had shopped and shopped for his last camera. It had to be bigger and better than the rest. He only used it once or twice before he got sick. This is the ledge that runs behind our house. I don't know if I can put this picture on here. October 2014. I want to erase October 2015. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 4, 2016 Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 How beautiful Marg. Autumn was my time of year also when I lived in Ohio and there were rolling hills like the picture there. We got married in October because I loved autumn so much. Now living in Florida, I don't get to see "autumn" and I do miss that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2016 Probably next month I will move where my brother lives cause I don't find a job in my hometown. But I'm so scared to have to start all over again, I have done this before but with hopes for a better future, with expectations, with a plan, with a smile. I don't have any of these feelings now, no strength lasts for long, if there is a light of wisdom it fades away quickly and I am left in despair. I cannot believe I have to rebuild a life starting from sadness, unhappiness and with a broken heart. I don't know how to do that, I must do it, but I don't know what is waiting for me. I feel cursed, broken and helpless. I am scared. Thanks for reading... Ana. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 24, 2016 Report Share Posted March 24, 2016 Ana I'm so sorry you are having to start over. I can't imagine how hard that is going to be, like you said you and I have done that before but with hope for a better future and I don't know about you, but me that was always with the love of my life. I'm sure you are scared, but if it helps any, we are here for you and will do our best to help you through it. Hugs Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 Ana I'm so sorry that you are having to move. Grief is difficult enough without these kinds of complications. It is one thing when moves signify hope for a better future; but to start a new life while in the throes of grief is so daunting. My hopes for you is that soon you are able to see good in this decision. Big hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 Ana, I am doing something so different than Billy would have done. I am starting over, and I have to do it without him. An apartment would never have been Billy's choice and I really think he would be disappointed in me. But, he is the one who said that the one left must stay. No, I won't be happy. I am not sure that word will ever be in my vocabulary again. I don't know how long I have left, but my biggest wish is to not ever be a bother to my children. I hate it you have to make a move. I hate it that any of us have to live without the ones we loved. I do wish you peace of mind. I think that is what I would wish for myself, so I wish it for you too. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 Ana, I'm so sorry you have to take this on top of everything else. At least we can travel with you via the Internet. We're never more than a few keystrokes away when you need us. Hugs to you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 Ana, I'm also so sorry you have to move. I know it surely feels like one more hurdle instead of the opportunity which you seek. I hope you find a job soon to at least put your mind to rest about your monetary situation. I'm glad you'll be with your brother. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 On March 3, 2016 at 0:08 AM, Marg M said: Billy and I traveled these back roads in Arkansas taking October pictures. I am surprised I can go back and look. A week ago I couldn't. One of Billy's hobbies was photography. He had shopped and shopped for his last camera. It had to be bigger and better than the rest. He only used it once or twice before he got sick. This is the ledge that runs behind our house. I don't know if I can put this picture on here. October 2014. I want to erase October 2015. This looks just like where I live. I understand how hard it is to look at photos taken with your husband. I'm having the same problem.....Cookie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 On March 1, 2016 at 2:31 AM, Gwenivere said: Scba, so many questions run thru my head every day. What if I never walked into the bar I met him? What if his car had never broken died in my city and he continued on? Where would I be today? Would I have met someone else who didn't get cancer and die? And then I think....would I have wanted the decades we had to have been any different? Would I have loved someone else as deeply? Would it have been the marriage I always wanted? I was married once before. And while a good man, he didn't do for my heart what Steve did. We'll never know for sure, but I trust my heart I made the right decision and now because in chose him, I now have to deal with the biggest loss ever. Some find someone else down the line, but that won't be me. The thing is we didn't think this time would ever come. But time propels us forward in age and possible maladies. So yes, I guess this is the price we pay. What we have ask ourselves is.....was it worth it? I know my answer. I have done that thinking too. I spent one evening going over all the details of meeting John and wondering if I had done this instead of that....even though I'm in so much pain, I wouldn't have missed a moment of him.....Cookie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 I would never change anything about the things I did that led me to meeting Mark...I do not believe our meeting was accidental. The only thing I would change (if I could) is that perhaps I might have tried to meet him sooner. But it was all about "timing" and purpose. I have tried for so long to shut out all the questions and being in the "fog" for an extended period of time has allowed that. But now, so many other questions are surfacing. Not being a person of religious faith, one isn't sure how to go about dealing with these questions. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 If you are a 'Fatalist' Maryann (as in you believe and accept fate), as I am, you have no doubts about meeting someone accidentally. You were meant to meet. Even knowing what was going to happen seventeen years after I met Kathy, I would never have changed a thing either. That rare cancer that Kathy developed of which there were only eighteen cases in the US that year just happen to get her. The Mayo's definition was "of an unknown type". So as fate would have it!, "couldn't have seen that coming". Even though I go through such anguish at times, I wouldn't have changed a thing for nothing would have affected the outcome. 3 hours ago, Froggie4635 said: I would never change anything about the things I did that led me to meeting Mark...I do not believe our meeting was accidental. The only thing I would change (if I could) is that perhaps I might have tried to meet him sooner. But it was all about "timing" and purpose. I have tried for so long to shut out all the questions and being in the "fog" for an extended period of time has allowed that. But now, so many other questions are surfacing. Not being a person of religious faith, one isn't sure how to go about dealing with these questions. As you mentioned about meeting sooner? Well perhaps none of us were ready to do that. Perhaps we had become just the right person for each other by changes that we went through in life. Months earlier we may have just walked right by without ever meeting , certainly not connecting. Did you ever think it was magic? I think about that all the time. Even though I am but half the man I thought I would be, I'm twice the man I was before we met. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 26 minutes ago, KATPILOT said: As you mentioned about meeting sooner? Well perhaps none of us were ready to do that. Perhaps we had become just the right person for each other by changes that we went through in life. Months earlier we may have just walked right by without ever meeting , certainly not connecting. Did you ever think it was magic? I think about that all the time. Even though I am but half the man I thought I would be, I'm twice the man I was before we met. I have always believed that what happens today dictates the person we will be tomorrow. Deedo was married to a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive man. A one point she realized that if she didn't leave he would have ended up killing her. It tears at my heart that she had to endure what she did, but if she hadn't she never would have left Germany and moved to Utah where she knew no-one and our paths would never have crossed. Likewise there were a number of factors that led up to me "moonlighting" at a self-serve gas station (a rarity in the 1970's) and once again if any of those had changed we never would have met. Additionally I see the trials, tribulations and rewards we face today as learning tools for who we will be tomorrow. Sadly we tend to learn much more from negatives than we do from positives. It is then what we do with this information that dictates the choices we will make tomorrow. For example some of us will once more find love although few if any of us want to recognize that now. I think as time progresses some will be open for having a relationship similar to what they ahve had. Others will avoid relationships at all costs because the memory of the pain we are in now will stay too fresh and we/they will not want to endure it again. Which side of this coin each of us ends up on is as of yet undetermined. All I do know is that I have learned to never say never. Although I believe in fatalism (Steve's definition) currently I have a rather fatalistic (pessimistic definition) outlook on my future whenever I allow myself to go there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 25, 2016 Report Share Posted March 25, 2016 That's the point Brad. If Deedo hadn't endured the hell she was going through then your paths would never have crossed. Generally I agree that it's wise to never say never but I knew I would "never" have cheated on my wife and I bet you could say the same thing. There are few but certain "nevers". Of course I am working on my sixth year and it is easy for me to say this. You are right that others will say they will never have another relationship and then later all that changes. There is some truth that there is not just one person who's right for you. In my case I can honestly say that I am so in love with that woman and weather I can't or don't, that just ain't gonna happen. When grief eases as it certainly will, you become open to other things even if you still have the love. When grief eases and you find contentment, and you are still in love, it becomes something quite different. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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