Tired Of Being Strong

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I would never change anything about the things I did that led me to meeting Mark...I do not believe our meeting was accidental.  The only thing I would change (if I could) is that perhaps I might have tried to meet him sooner.  But it was all about "timing" and purpose.  I have tried for so long to shut out all the questions and being in the "fog" for an extended period of time has allowed that.  But now, so many other questions are surfacing.  Not being a person of religious faith, one isn't sure how to go about dealing with these questions.  

I really struggle when I let myself think about this.   The timing thing I get, but often I still feel it was accidental.  Then other times it wasn't.  I've talked to my friend who was the link of our meeting and she feels it was not accidental.  That she was a part of this which was meant to happen, tho she did not know it at the time.  Purpose seemed to have evolved because we fit so well together, better than either of us ever had with others.  That became apparent very easily.  

I cannot factor God into this either as I am not a believer.  At least not in an entity.  This is really the first time I have even put a lot of thought into what it is I do believe since my early philosophical 20's when you ponder these things because you are trying to figure out the world and think you know more than you do.  It complicates things because I have found we never lose that wanting to know why.  And at the same time I know we can't.  Truly a mind bending experience on so many levels.

ive accepted he is not coming back and don't ask why about that.  Ya know, I am not even sure what whys I really ask because my head is so messed up.  As Steve used to say.....it's a bucket of snakes when I would ask him why he was jumping all over the place in thoughts.  Guess that us me now.

 

 

[kayc]

I guess I think some things are fate but not others.  I think George and I were meant to be together.  But I do not think his dying was "meant to be".  We have free will and we choose what to eat, how we exercise, whether or not we smoke or drink and as such are able to affect our outcomes to some degree.  But on the other hand, we're dealt different hands and we can only play the one we get the best we can...genetics factors in and perhaps luck does too.  I don't think there's any great reason George "had to die", in fact, I don't think he "had" to at all!  I think if the doctor would have sent him to a cardiologist when he first complained of symptoms instead of playing God and thinking he knew everything (obviously he didn't) that perhaps George would still be here with me.

I don't worry unduly about what could have been, I've long ago accepted what is, but neither do I think that fate willed him to die when he did.  Just my 2 cents for the 2 cents it's worth!

[Guest]

Fate is a tough one and I can see both sides of the pancake (I taught with a gal who used to say "It's a mighty thin pancake that only has one side.")  I was reading about the guy in Seattle who was driving through the park when a  Douglas Fir fell on his car.  He was killed but his young daughter was unscratched.  I don't believe fate had a thing to do with that accident, just very unfortunate coincidences all coming into play to create a tragedy.  But then a couple of months after I met Deedo she related a story about a gal she met in Atlanta after she left her abusive husband but before she moved to Utah.  This gal claimed a level of clairvoyance and told her she would meet and marry me.  The gal was pretty specific about what I looked like (curly hair and full short beard), what I did (teacher but she wouldn't meet me at school - Deedo was a teacher as well) and that I drove a blue Jeep like vehicle but it wasn't a Jeep (Toyota Landcruiser).  Now since nobody in Atlanta had ever set foot in Utah and I had not been farther East than Nebraska, I was convinced especially after it was confirmed by her friend from Germany who introduced Deedo to this gal.  Keep in mind that it was a year later that Deedo even thought about marriage.  She moved to Utah thinking the Mormons were like the Amish and that she would never marry again.  That in my mind is predestined fate.  That being said I am also a card carrying skeptic.  There is little I believe without proof from multiple sources.  That makes it a challenge to reconcile this in my mind.  

[scba]

Thank you all for your loving support. I hope something good comes out although I cannot see it nor believe in it right now. I feel like my destiny is to find a job, pay bills, get tired when I get home, eat and sleep. If I am asked what do I see, I see this, quite depressing, right? My friends at my place have forgotten me, they are too young and too busy with their normal lives to understand that a tragedy endures in time, that support is not only for the first days. I know they are there If I reach them, but they never took the initiative. I understand they have no clue how to deal with me, and I sincerely hope they will never need me to help them on this. I feel bad thinking this of my friends. 

[hollowheart]

Scba, I think the same way you do. Actually, I don't think I have much of a destiny or future. When I think of it it is very scary. there is no one in the future I have to share it with. My friends, except one, have forgotten me as well. And this one is working and in nursing school so she is very busy. 

I also am the one reaching out to friends first and I have given that up. I'm done with them and I'm not getting on face book with a fake smile so they can like my post and feel good that they did something. I struggle on a daily basis. I'm tired. 

[scba]

32 minutes ago, hollowheart said:

Scba, I think the same way you do. Actually, I don't think I have much of a destiny or future. When I think of it it is very scary. there is no one in the future I have to share it with. My friends, except one, have forgotten me as well. And this one is working and in nursing school so she is very busy. 

I also am the one reaching out to friends first and I have given that up. I'm done with them and I'm not getting on face book with a fake smile so they can like my post and feel good that they did something. I struggle on a daily basis. I'm tired. 

I am tired too. Today mum took me to the mall, she wanted to buy me clothes. I was so stressed, I have never been a buyer and now I don't want to buy any clothes, what for, and I spent the whole morning struggling with it, trying to force me to like a sweater and just buy it. I couldn't. I felt so empty, I wanted to cry right on the shop. I wish grief transformed me in a shopaholic, or a workaholic, at least I would do sth cause I can't help it. I know these are diseases. Sorry. Why I cannot care anymore, I want to care again. In the end I bought a bag just for mom's sake. 

[scba]

A year and a half ago I thought that with time this would be "over". A year and a half later I am affraid that this is just the begining. The begining of the so called secondary losses. 

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, Brad said:

I taught with a gal who used to say "It's a mighty thin pancake that only has one side."

Brad, I think that would be a crepe. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

As far as fate...

Tammy and I met chatting online. She was a young mother with a three year old daughter. I was a "young-ish" middle aged lifelong bachelor. She lived her entire life in Illinois. I'm a born and bred Marylander. Here's the thing. I had NEVER called anyone on the phone I chatted with online, EVER. This was back in the nineties and the whole online chat thing was sort of new.  But something  about Tammy changed that. I talked to her on the phone and six months later we met in person. Six months after that we were a family of 3 living in Maryland. And I didn't just find someone I fell in love with. I found my perfect soul mate.

[scba]

47 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

 

George, Let you know that your post is empty 

[iPraiseHim]

Just now, scba said:

George, Let you know that your post is empty 

Yep.  I made a misteak and couldn't figure out how to "UNQUOTE" . I reposted right after it...  look for it... look for it...  Aha! 

[iPraiseHim]

Well, I'm puzzled... I don't know where it went...

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I am tired too. Today mum took me to the mall, she wanted to buy me clothes. I was so stressed, I have never been a buyer and now I don't want to buy any clothes, what for, and I spent the whole morning struggling with it, trying to force me to like a sweater and just buy it. I couldn't. I felt so empty, I wanted to cry right on the shop. I wish grief transformed me in a shopaholic, or a workaholic, at least I would do sth cause I can't help it. I know these are diseases. Sorry. Why I cannot care anymore, I want to care again. In the end I bought a bag just for mom's sake. 

I went out with my mom today too and it just Felt like a movie trailer for how much I missed my sister and how obvious it was she was gone. It has ALWAYS been frustrating going out with my mom because she makes everything an ordeal. I didn't want to rush her today and do you know she still mucked around for almost THREE hours before I finally snapped and rushed her out the door. Even with a car I still don't want to just sit around for hours waiting for her to do nothing when we could just leave already. 

I kept thinking of how my sis would have been up and ready at 8:00 am. I could feel your frustrations about your shopping trip. I felt the same. I was driving around a very heavy traffic area and had 2 close calls as a new (bad) driver and I could tell she was annoyed when I got lost and was nervous. She was just ready to go eat. I know my sister would have at least been worried with me and we might have gotten a laugh. 

Overall, it's just everything reminds me of what I don't have anymore. And I'm so angry she's not here. 

[scba]

I felt guilty cause I asked mom to take me out, even if it was raining. I have been indoors for a month, except for going to the supermarket. I thought I would feel some freedom and excitement after self confinment. When we entered the first shop, emptiness and lack of sense were waiting for me, I recognized them right away and I couldn't find any thought to push them away. Force them, didn't work, ignore them, didn't work, ability to focus on sweaters, didn't work. I was like: what else do you want to test on me? Haven't I lost enough? At least leave me superficiality to carry on! 

 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Brad, I think that would be a crepe. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Mitch -  a crepe, a blini or a blintz but alas even they have two sides.  

[Gwenivere]

19 hours ago, scba said:

A year and a half ago I thought that with time this would be "over". A year and a half later I am affraid that this is just the begining. The begining of the so called secondary losses. 

I'm right there with you, sister.  I didn't think things could possibly feel worse, but they do.  In many ways it makes sense because it has been longer and longer without him so I miss him more.  I posted in another forum about feeling stalled now and not knowing what I am waiting for.  So many questions in me about what will ever make me feel life is again something I enjoy.  The secondary losses keep mounting.  More ways I find him missing.  If this is the beginning of accepting that life will be something I have to tolerate now rather than actually live, I haven't a clue how I will handle that.  As always, contrary to what outsiders believe about adapting to being alone it becomes more intense for me every day.  I want what I can't have and it is as simple as walking thru the door to have him to talk to.  Someone who cares where you are and what you feel.  Don't know how you adapt to that.  After a year and a half too, I just keep getting lonelier.

[hollowheart]

Yes, Gwen to everything you just said. Extra nods to the secondary losses and is life just something to tolerate now. I think about how an exciting evening for me and my sister was getting some good grub and munchies and streaming a few movies in her office, and laughing and talking throughout the whole thing.

You know what I find even more upsetting is when everything else about a day is pretty good. Like there wasn't much for me to complain about. No idiots on the bus or train.  Work was actually good, weather is great, day went fast, etc. And it's like "oh, today was a good day!' EXCEPT.... It's like the good feeling just can't last.

 

[scba]

Dear friends,

Weeks ago I decided to move to the city where my brother lives to look for a job, hoping that the change of atmosphere would be benefitial for my mood. But I'm a mess lately. My emotions are all over the place, I function in the sense that I get up, have breakfast, spend time reading job advertisements, have lunch, and so on. But I find myself crying out of nowhere. I thought that by this time, a year and a half later, I would be stronger, and I'm not! I don't feel strong in my inside. I'm typing this while trying not to cry. I keep receiving emails from friends about their new jobs, their new boyfriends, their new this and that. And I feel worse. My "new" is: oh, today I didn't cry too much, yeah!. I don't want to feel miserable, I wish there was a guide with steps to follow, I would follow them for sure.

While preparing my luggage, I took out my old notebook, the one that my BF bought me and stopped using it the day he died. I turned it on and there it were all his files, my files, pictures and so on. I have saved on the desktop an email from the days we were going out, not yet in a couple, and I didn't recognize myself: the tone, the expectations, the words, the situation. I was so happy.  I truly felt for the first time, with an objective proof, that he died and I died too. That "me" doesn't exist anymore.

Am I the only one tired to put a feet in a land mine of grief everyday? Today for the first time in many months I woke up with the feeling of not wanting to wake up. Maybe grief is not about moving forward, but going in circles.

Thanks for reading.

[Froggie4635]

Dear scba,

Making a BIG change is difficult for a lot of people, but even MORE difficult when in the midst of grieving.  You want to be better, you want your life to be past this.  It is hard to have the desire inside to WANT to be happier.  I know I find myself feeling guilty if I have a few good days in a row.  How can I be laughing and making jokes and feeling so "light" when my husband is dead.  It is terrible the thoughts and feelings and things going on inside us...all at the same time.  It is overwhelming and confusing.  You are right about not having a guide, or "rules" to move us along.  A check list of steps and accomplishments along the way.  And you are also very wise to realize that the old "YOU" doesn't exist anymore.  You did die when he did, at least the part of you that made a life with him.  Finding out who we are NOW is a HUGE task.  And you are trying to do it in a new place.  Please be gentle with yourself.  You are making strides, but it is hard for you to see it right now.  Big HUGS to you.  I keep a quote on my desk at work, and in my living room at home : Let Whatever You Do TODAY Be Enough".

[scba]

thank you Maryann, I will print that quote, it is true what it says.

[kayc]

Ana,

I am sorry you are feeling this way.  But please understand you are dealing with compounded grief here...you are dealing with not only your BF's death, but being out of work, which in itself a difficult time to remain upbeat, and moving, any one of which would be more than enough to handle.

Shortly after George died, I lost my job, my favorite job of my life, and it was the beginning of the recession.  At that time they only gave us six months to find a job.  With all my years' experience, I thought I'd have no problem getting a new job as I was willing to commute 100-120 miles/day to expand my area.  Not so!  It took me 5 1/2 months to get hired by the worst place I ever worked!  I found it challenging to get the door slammed in my face every day and remain upbeat, so I started looking for work every other day and that day I would be hard at it for about 12 hours.  On the other days I did check my email and respond to phone calls for interviews, but other than that, I took the day off to refresh myself.  It isn't good to go into an interview looking downtrodden!  It was way harder than any fulltime job I've ever had and I'd rather work any day than look for work, but I tried to look at it as an opportunity to try something new, the sky was the limit!

Change doesn't come easy to me so I don't envy you moving.  But then I've lived here for 39 years and have way too much "stuff" left from the days of when I had a family.  I can't physically move the stuff without help and I don't have that, so I let it sit there.  When I die my kids can deal with it and I have no doubt they'll do so in short order, they have more resources than I do and are much younger to tackle it with, esp. since they will have the incentive of being able to sell the place.
 

Grief is ever evolving, it doesn't stay the same.  I've found it to be very much like three steps forward, two steps backward, so overall it's moving in a progressive fashion, but when you're in the two steps backward phase, it can feel very much like it's getting worse.  You may be in that place right now.  Try not to compare it to anything, which is useless, but keep tackling today by putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going...that's the only way I know through this.

My heart goes out to you, I know this is a very hard time right now.  Try not to worry about how long it's been since he died because your natural inclination will be to compare yourself to where you think you SHOULD be on this journey and the truth is, there is no one size fits all.  You are where you are.  It matters not where you are in the scheme of things, but what you do with it.  And you ARE keeping on trying!  What more can one do?!  I give you kudos for your willingness to try, your efforts moving, looking for work, letting yourself grieve as you need to.  A grief counselor would be of great value to you right now as they can lend a fresh perspective to you and guidance on what they see needs to be worked on.

 

[iPraiseHim]

Ana, You are not the only one.  We are all tired. none of us here like waking up and their loved one is not here.  Sometimes just waking up and breathing is the only thing I can do.  Grief is tiring in itself. Please give yourself credit for what you are able to do.  Make a list and remind yourself.  I'll be praying for you .  Shalom

 

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, scba said:

Am I the only one tired to put a feet in a land mine of grief everyday? Today for the first time in many months I woke up with the feeling of not wanting to wake up. Maybe grief is not about moving forward, but going in circles.

Thanks for reading.

Ana, let's face it, grief is a lot of hard work. It's emotionally draining. Sometimes it does take everything we can muster to just get out of bed. And you're right, it is like going in circles or "deja vu all over again".

I know you mentioned that it feels like you died when your boyfriend died. And that's understandable you feel like that.  We all do to an extent. Your plans and hopes for your future life died on that day. But the reality is, you didn't. You're still here. You're still a very worthwhile, lovable human being and you are alive.

Yes, a huge part of you is gone. You're truly heartbroken. But, all that love you have for him will never die. The time you spent with him is something that can never be taken away.

I wish I had a magic wand that could ease your pain. I wish I could make you happy again. Truthfully, I wish I could invent a time machine and we all could go back and be with our soul mates. All I can offer is encouragement and support.

Sending a virtual hug to you and everyone here.

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, scba said:

Dear friends,

Weeks ago I decided to move to the city where my brother lives to look for a job, hoping that the change of atmosphere would be benefitial for my mood. But I'm a mess lately. My emotions are all over the place, I function in the sense that I get up, have breakfast, spend time reading job advertisements, have lunch, and so on. But I find myself crying out of nowhere. I thought that by this time, a year and a half later, I would be stronger, and I'm not! I don't feel strong in my inside. I'm typing this while trying not to cry. I keep receiving emails from friends about their new jobs, their new boyfriends, their new this and that. And I feel worse. My "new" is: oh, today I didn't cry too much, yeah!. I don't want to feel miserable, I wish there was a guide with steps to follow, I would follow them for sure.

While preparing my luggage, I took out my old notebook, the one that my BF bought me and stopped using it the day he died. I turned it on and there it were all his files, my files, pictures and so on. I have saved on the desktop an email from the days we were going out, not yet in a couple, and I didn't recognize myself: the tone, the expectations, the words, the situation. I was so happy.  I truly felt for the first time, with an objective proof, that he died and I died too. That "me" doesn't exist anymore.

Am I the only one tired to put a feet in a land mine of grief everyday? Today for the first time in many months I woke up with the feeling of not wanting to wake up. Maybe grief is not about moving forward, but going in circles.

Thanks for reading.

Scba, I feel just like you today. Actually, I've been like this for the past 2 weeks. So, yes, I think sometimes grief is like going in circles. I think we want expectations on our grief because of just that, we WANT to be making progress. You did take a step, but it's a hard step indeed. You are still grief stricken and dealing with a monumental change. Moving and job searching can also be monumental changes, but they are also changes that are supposed to (or should be) uplifting and encouraging. It's supposed to be about a good change.

These are changes that you were forced to make before you were ready, and they are because of something tragic that happened. None of this is inspiring or uplifting. I also function in the 'putting one foot in front of the other' variety, and what kind of life is that? Then you have friends sending you emails on their excited news about moving and marriages. Yes, that will make you feel worse.

I have been in that same situation, which is why I had to cut myself off from people, which makes me even more isolated, lonely and bitter. It's a vicious cycle. Lately, I feel like I"m going mad. I don't know where to go from here. I'm back with those insane feelings that I had before. You are not alone in the land mind, I feel like that would be a reprieve from stumbling through this non-life.  Do we have to keep getting worse before we get better? When does it end?

Don't feel bad for how you feel. I know I"m tired of feeling like I need to be positive. I'm not positive. That may pass, and when it does, great. Just know that you have done a lot more than you think you have and you're still moving. One day at a time.

[kayc]

53 minutes ago, hollowheart said:

None of this is inspiring or uplifting.

I think this is something for all of us to consider when posting...are we able to encourage and uplift each other in our posting & messages?  What are we doing for ourselves to propel ourselves in our lives?  Thought for today...

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I think this is something for all of us to consider when posting...are we able to encourage and uplift each other in our posting & messages?  What are we doing for ourselves to propel ourselves in our lives?  Thought for today...

I come here for that and to vent and complain because I can't get either from anywhere else.