Tired Of Being Strong

[Gwenivere]

It sounds to me reading all that came in this morning I'd we are all saying that whatever we feel is valid.  We can all look at posts we wrote yesterday or months ago and see how this grief bounces us all over the place.  People feeling hope at 5 months having that dashed later.  People feeling in the depths of hell at that time feeling more hopeful.  Some people stuck for long periods and the anguish of that.  

Some have the ability to see beauty every day, some do not.  We can describe what our loss is and how it affects us, but I have found no way to really put into words what I feel in my heart.  The best I can hope for is coming close.   That we can close enough that others here get it is the gift we give one another.  But for me, and maybe others, when I am alone and don't need words, that is when I feel the full impact of this horrid loss.  It resides in a place that cannot truly be described.  

I really notice this when I cry.  The reasons keep changing.  Sometimes I cry for him, sometimes for me and others am finding a myriad of other reasons I never knew.  I know crying is cathartic, but what gets to me is often I cry because I do see something that is good and I cannot share it.  That is a loneliness that cuts deep.  A true Catch 22 to start seeing little things, but to have them trigger the loss.  That one I am still working on because I am not seeing them for him, only myself now.  

A very interesting discussion to wake up to today!

[WolfsKat]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

really notice this when I cry.  The reasons keep changing.  Sometimes I cry for him, sometimes for me and others am finding a myriad of other reasons I never knew.  I know crying is cathartic, but what gets to me is often I cry because I do see something that is good and I cannot share it.  That is a loneliness that cuts deep.  A true Catch 22 to start seeing little things, but to have them trigger the loss.  That one I am still working on because I am not seeing them for him, only myself now

I TOTALLY understand this........it is what I feel daily......the ONE person you'd want to share with is gone.....no one else would get it, or care, the way they would've.

[scba]

I've made something I haven't done before, i've been reading old emails when I told my friends from town how life was when I moved out with my BF. When I stopped reading I started to cry because those emails are the written testament of my broken dreams. I'm truly walking on a Boulevard of broken dreams. I spreaded his ashes, where do I bury the dreams? What is the funeral ceremony for them?

[kayc]

Oh Ana, I know, oh how I know.  I have no advice, only hugs for you.  

[Froggie4635]

Dear Ana,

Secondary losses are so overwhelming.  I am just beginning to face those, now that my fog has lifted somewhat.  I saw a commercial this morning about Disney World. I have been there numerous times, but not in a very long time. My husband, Mark had never ever been east of Mississippi. so in my head I had planned to make sure he would see some of the places I had been.  The one place he wanted so badly to get to was my hometown.  He wanted to see where I grew up, and visit my parent's grave and let them know how much he loved me.  I'm not sure if I could make a trip back there right now.  I so understand what you are going through.  Those dreams we had are no longer possible; yet another obstacle, another thing to get over.  I haven't been letting myself touch those feelings yet...how I feel cheated out of those dreams; how I feel cheated out of my happier ever after that finally came.  Like Kay, all I can do is send you a hug full of understanding.

[Polly]

On ‎4‎/‎7‎/‎2016 at 7:07 PM, WolfsKat said:

I TOTALLY understand this........it is what I feel daily......the ONE person you'd want to share with is gone.....no one else would get it, or care, the way they would've.

I couldn't agree any more. I hate coming home from work. Rich always got home before me and as soon as I got home we would sit down and just talk about our day. I miss that so much.

[Margm]

I understand you both.  It is a feeling of sinking when I know I cannot turn to Billy, like I have for 54 years, 100 times a day.  I have to clear HIS STUFF out.  I won't get rid of it.  My mom used to tell me about the "dog in the manger" but this old dog cannot give his stuff away yet.  I have drawers of NOTHING.  Nothing I will ever use.  I cannot call Billy a hoarder, but that is exactly what he was with certain unusable stuff.  He thought he might use it.  Pieces of yarn, pieces of animal fur, all for fly tying.  I won't save this stuff.  It really is trash and he has no use for it.  No one else does either..  Not in the sense he would put up old newspapers.  He never read papers except the sports pages.  He saved numerous pages of figures, figures of line depths for photography, line widths, lengths for fly lines, types of fly ties, stuff I will never touch again, but he touched it.  I cannot get rid of it yet.  Someone else might have to get rid of it.  Just the fact he wrote it is dear to me.  I am fixing to go to the "big city" and I am going alone.  I don't get to be alone much, but I will talk to Billy all the way there and back.  

[brat#2]

I'm just starting to recognize the secondary losses.  I think the initial fog is lifting and it is really sinking in that he is never coming back and that all our future plans are gone now too.  I'm really just starting to understand how hard all of this is.  Ana and Maryann, hugs to you both.

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

Marg,

When I started clearing out stuff, I started with all the stuff Mark had stored in the garage; stuff that pre-dated me.  Lots of manuals for cars and equipment he used to work on.  Notebooks full of test results he got when he was in school.  Anything that did not have his actual handwriting on got pitched. I sorted through it, then left what was left in a box to go through it again later.  I kept anything personal (birthday cards from his mom and family).  I have his high school diploma, and his certificates for various course he took.  The things that related to our time together are still in the front bedroom.  I sorted through them all, and divided it up.  There are stacks of paper stuff, and boxes of other items.  NOT ready to let them leave the house yet.  I have offered many of his things to his siblings because they had similar hobbies...fishing and hiking stuff, camping gear, stereo equipment and all his tools.  I haven't really gotten much of a response.  I know they are busy and have children and lives.  His mother has asked me twice what I plan to do with his ashes.  She is VERY Catholic, and they believe ashes should be buried.  There is a particular chest of drawers that came with Mark when we moved into our house.  It held some of his clothes.  Well, I cleared it out and it is just sitting in my dining room.  She made sure to tell me when I make out my will, that it stays with her family.  Well, I made it clear to her that it is ready to be taken now...except no one seems to want it.  I love having things with his handwriting on them.  I like to run my fingers over it.

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, Polly said:

I couldn't agree any more. I hate coming home from work. Rich always got home before me and as soon as I got home we would sit down and just talk about our day. I miss that so much.

I miss this kind of stuff too. All my mom wants me to do now is drive her to pick up dinner or groceries. Not much interaction, just chauffeur her around then go back home. She doesn't get why this breaks my heart. It makes me even more depressed.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, scba said:

I spreaded his ashes, where do I bury the dreams? What is the funeral ceremony for them?

Ana, I never really thought about this before in the way you worded it.  The tangibles are hard enough of what they used and wore and the ashes are so hard because they so emphasize they cannot come back.  But the dreams, yes, what to do about those?  There is no sense in keeping them because they cannot be fulfilled and thinking of them is a deep reminder of what we lost.  We didn't have any big dreams like travel or moving, but our day to day life was filled with little ones like maybe having take out mid week instead of cooking.  Buying a new TV because it was a toy we could afford and feel mutually and happily sinful about.  How do you tuck those away (because we will never forget them) and carry on without them?  

[Margm]

I will have a memorial stone put in Billy's folks plot.  Then when I go they can combine them and bury the urn.  My old fashioned uncle offered me two plots in our family cemetery out in the country, it is beautiful, but there are more Haynes's than Johnson grass.  I cannot do that to Billy.  My family is used to Baptist funerals and was surprised about the cremation. I could tell he did not approve. We will go where his people are buried although the other is kept up the prettiest.  He does not care anymore, I am sure, but I do and I want to be with his family.  I have been a Mims a lot longer than a Haynes.  

There is no one left to want things.  We have our kids and grandkids, of course, and they have what they wanted.  The stuff I am taking with me is just stuff, nothing but "stuff."  No meaning to anyone but me.  I will sleep in his Tee shirts and sweat pants.  The fishing stuff, I will divide among the kids.  I do not plan on doing anymore fishing.  Driving home today from the "big city" is when I talk to him and most times cry.  I did not cry today.  I told him that no amount of crying was going to bring him back so for the moment, I just wouldn't cry.  I imagine there will be a lot more tears, but they won't bring him back.  I sure miss that boy.  If he was still here I would not fuss about him blowing those crow and coyote calls all he wanted to.  I could invest in ear plugs, cannot bring back him.  

[scba]

Thanks all of your for your warm words. I really appreciate them. I wish peace for tonight to all.

[Elly57]

I too am living what everyone is saying. My husband passed 18 months ago and it seems like yesturday. I've managed to put that. Brave face of because people don't want me crying all the time. ( even though I've never done that with them.) I do see a councillor every month and belong to a grief support group. I have lost all of my family apart from my two kids. They can't handle me if I show signs of being upset. It upsets them. I'm so tired of being strong for everyone. I've two of my husband really good friends (they have offered several times to come and help go through some of my husbands specalized tools to see what I should do with them. I've asked them over the last 8 months to come by. The last time I asked I said I won't ask again it wold be up to them to set the time aside to come by. Nothing. I also asked if this was too difficult for them to do and both said no. I'm so angry and fed up. I'm trying to move forward but people are so ......oh yes you can count on me......I'll be there for what every you need, you know that.........you just have to say ........you must come over and not be on your own..........When to these people think it's going to happen? I'm not begging. Empty promises. If I wanted my house like a shrine to my husband then I'd understand that. If I'd asked and when they came over I was crying all the time or I couldn't go through his things then again I'd understand them backing off. I love my husband still and always will. I miss him daily.....no hourly......

 

I went to a funeral on Saturday. One I was dreading. I've never been to funerals, that was my husbands job. I have a Phobia of them and he always went as our representative. The only funerals I've been to is my Dad's.....Mothers.....brothers and now my husbands...... I've lost all my family.  This one was so important to me and to my friend. (It was a four hour round trip for me. On my own to see her and be there for her.) We met in Mexico when my husband and I traveled for alternative treatment there and we spent three months as careers for our spouses. Her husband lived 18 months longer than my husband but we have kept in contact since we left Mexico........I coudn't go into the room where the visitation was without knowing if it was an open casket. I asked someone to give me the layout of the room and where was the wife before I entered. I took my courage in my hands and walked straight towards her and never looked right or left. She was so shocked and surprised to see me. We held each other tightly for a long time. She introduced me to her family and I left for the chapel. I sat and silently in a pew and cried throughout the service. Our husbands were In a similar line of work, they had a very familiar upbringing and their outlook on life was the same. It was bitter sweet for me. I left straight after the service for the long journey home. I'm so fed up with this personal journey I'm on. I'm just treading water all the time. I hate being strong and just want to shout and scream. I'm diying inside, everyday. I want the joy back in my life again. I want to hold that persons hand that cares for me. I want close human interactions. I miss being personal. I miss life. I miss my dead family, I'm fed up........

 

I wish you all peace, life, joy and lots of love still to come to each and every one of you. I feel your pain too. 

[Elly57]

10 minutes ago, Elly57 said:

I too am living what everyone is saying. My husband passed 18 months ago and it seems like yesturday. I've managed to put that. Brave face of because people don't want me crying all the time. ( even though I've never done that with them.) I do see a councillor every month and belong to a grief support group. I have lost all of my family apart from my two kids. They can't handle me if I show signs of being upset. It upsets them. I'm so tired of being strong for everyone. I've two of my husband really good friends (they have offered several times to come and help go through some of my husbands specalized tools to see what I should do with them. I've asked them over the last 8 months to come by. The last time I asked I said I won't ask again it wold be up to them to set the time aside to come by. Nothing. I also asked if this was too difficult for them to do and both said no. I'm so angry and fed up. I'm trying to move forward but people are so ......oh yes you can count on me......I'll be there for what every you need, you know that.........you just have to say ........you must come over and not be on your own..........When to these people think it's going to happen? I'm not begging. Empty promises. If I wanted my house like a shrine to my husband then I'd understand that. If I'd asked and when they came over I was crying all the time or I couldn't go through his things then again I'd understand them backing off. I love my husband still and always will. I miss him daily.....no hourly......

 

I went to a funeral on Saturday. One I was dreading. I've never been to funerals, that was my husbands job. I have a Phobia of them and he always went as our representative. The only funerals I've been to is my Dad's.....Mothers.....brothers and now my husbands...... I've lost all my family.  This one was so important to me and to my friend. (It was a four hour round trip for me. On my own to see her and be there for her.) We met in Mexico when my husband and I traveled for alternative treatment there and we spent three months as careers for our spouses. Her husband lived 18 months longer than my husband but we have kept in contact since we left Mexico........I coudn't go into the room where the visitation was without knowing if it was an open casket. I asked someone to give me the layout of the room and where was the wife before I entered. I took my courage in my hands and walked straight towards her and never looked right or left. She was so shocked and surprised to see me. We held each other tightly for a long time. She introduced me to her family and I left for the chapel. I sat and silently in a pew and cried throughout the service. Our husbands were In a similar line of work, they had a very familiar upbringing and their outlook on life was the same. It was bitter sweet for me. I left straight after the service for the long journey home. I'm so fed up with this personal journey I'm on. I'm just treading water all the time. I hate being strong and just want to shout and scream. I'm diying inside, everyday. I want the joy back in my life again. I want to hold that persons hand that cares for me. I want close human interactions. I miss being personal. I miss life. I miss my dead family, I'm fed up........

 

I wish you all peace, life, joy and lots of love still to come to each and every one of you. I feel your pain too. 

 

[kayc]

Elly,

I'm sure it meant a great deal to your friend for you to come to her husband's funeral, especially know how you feel about funerals.  That took a lot of courage.  Funerals can be really hard for us to go to after losing someone close.  So can visiting hospitals.  It just brings back memories that are hard.

I'm sorry friends have disappointed you...George & my friends disappeared after his death.  I guess I was a reminder of something they didn't want to think about.  Yes, I know about those empty promises.  It seems we're on our own.

It does help to come here and voice it though, and I'm glad you're back.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Elly57 said:

I'm so fed up with this personal journey I'm on. I'm just treading water all the time. I hate being strong and just want to shout and scream. I'm diying inside, everyday. I want the joy back in my life again. I want to hold that persons hand that cares for me. I want close human interactions. I miss being personal. I miss life. I miss my dead family, I'm fed up........

I could have written the very same words.  I didn't ever give much thought to where I would be at 18 months, but it sure wasn't like this kind of hell.  Dying inside I'd exactly how I feel.  I wake up every day thinking I cannot do it again.  Just show some mercy and take me now.  The only thing that usually works is reminding myself at that vulnerable time I have no perspective.  So I schlep  thru another day.  I feel I am going backward.  Each day becomes more painful than the next.  I read others seeing more colors and less tears.  I made it about 13 months with the 'usual' grief stuff, but then it changed for the worse.  It's a scary place to be.  I miss life too.  I'm not even sure I know what life is anymore.

7 hours ago, Elly57 said:

 

Ugh, quoting on here gets frustrating sometimes.  Can't delete duplicates.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Elly57]

I actually do want to move on.....I want the pain to stop. I love to giggle and have fun. I get a. Lot of good feedback,.....'you're doing really well....you're looking much better.....You'll find someone.....' Good grief! I have so many questions. Why did it happen? why is it still happening?  What do I have to learn before I can be happy again? .....Or in deed how do I make all these things happen? It's as if I'm looking for meaning in my life to it to continue. What's the meaning of my life if I can't be happy and help others? Or do something to get happiness in return. So many questions. 

 

[Margm]

Elly57, we want you to  feel better too.  We want you to be happy.  I have had occasion to laugh, to feel good, to joke around with family, and I have had humongous worries with family.  I cannot feel Billy.  I know definitely not in the physical sense, but I want to just feel his presence in some sense.  I have a little and I am so selfish, I want more.  I fuss at him for leaving me stranded in this damn house that is going to overpower me.  We worked on it a little before he got sick, actually he was sick, but inhuman strength made him carry on.  Oh, heck, today is our 6th month anniversary loss.  I hate that.  

My granddaughter and I went to see The Jungle Book.  It was sold out and we had to wait for a later movie.  It is a Rudyard Kipling story from all of our childhoods and has been made into many remakes.  The special effects in this movie are great, but it was so loud, and actually very scary for very young children.  But, us older children loved it.  

And Elly57, I have questions I will never have answers for.  One thing about it, I think we are going to hold each other up when we need it, and I need it lots.

[Cookie]

14 hours ago, Elly57 said:

 

Elly:  I don't know what to say; you said it all so well, exactly how I feel.....

[scba]

Disclaimer, I am having a hard time...!

Maybe my complicated grief and heart aching makes me even more vulnerable to the outside. Friends tell me I am very strong to endure so much, yet I dont perceive that they endure that much. "Im sorry", but then they are back to a normal life i never had, i wanted to have, and probably I will never have. I am not alone "in here" but I am so alone "out of here". I accepted to go to a friend's for lunch. There was her best friend too. She started to talk about her recent date, and I tried to pretend I was fine, but remained in silence. I understand that I cannot set up the topic agenda and this girl has no fault and should be free to tell her joy. She described her date, a total normal 30yo guy, with a career, income, car, expectations, looking to build a family etc. I was not listening, my mind was going to a place I don't want to go, but it goes. "What was wrong with me? I have caused this, because I choose not a normal guy, but a special guy. I choose not to save myself, he told me he was sick and I stayed, I choose love and here I am, dealing with so much pain and cursed for the rest of my (social) life".

Maybe the only reason I want to stop this pain is for not thinking any of this, I feel disgusted with myself and a failure to my boyfriend. I don't know where I belong anymore. I AM SO TIRED. I WOULD LIKE TO SLEEP FOR 10 YEARS, 20 OR 30. 

Maybe in 10 years I will be truly strong, and not this fake strong. 

[Guest]

Oh Ana,

There is nothing wrong with you.  You loved and that is what matters.  Granted you knew going in there were health issues but had they developed after you fell in love nothing would have changed.  I was diagnosed with Crohn's five years after we were married (even though I was symptomatic since 19- it took that long to get a diagnosis).  You chose to love someone who made you feel whole.  I am sorry for your pain and I do know how complicated it is.  You are hurting but you are not a failure.  Not to yourself.  Not to your boyfriend.  Everything I have read from you indicates that he and you were meant to be, as painful as it is now.  You are getting stronger; and yes, in ten years you will be stronger than you are now.  However it won't be the same as it was, different than it was but better than it is now.

Hugs my friend.

[scba]

thank you Brad, your words helped me to gain perspective. Hugs to you my friend.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

You loved and that is what matters.  Granted you knew going in there were health issues but had they developed after you fell in love nothing would have changed.  I was diagnosed with Crohn's five years after we were married (even though I was symptomatic since 19- it took that long to get a diagnosis).  You chose to love someone who made you feel whole.

Going in, I knew Tammy had severe systemic Lupus. Early on, I don't think I quite understood the enormity of her disease, but it didn't matter. Her and I fit like a glove and we were madly in love with each other. I'll never forget my brother-in-law (a physician) "warning" me that Lupus can be very complicated and that I was in for a tough road medically with Tammy. His words fell on deaf ears. It just didn't matter to me. Tammy was my whole existence, my one and only true love and the reason my life was good. My goal was to be her knight in shining armor forever.

Brad, you mentioned the "choosing" aspect of a love relationship. That's something that makes the loss of a soul mate different than any other loss. You don't choose your parents or your siblings. Yes, you can love them with all your heart but you were "born into" that relationship. We chose our soul mate and vice versa for one main reason... we wanted to spent our whole life with them as one.

When they die, it feels like our own future died too. You no longer look at yourself the same. You lose the whole "we" aspect of your life and it becomes "me". And it feels so bad and so wrong and so empty.

 

[scba]

He told me about his illness two weeks after our first date. He cried, I cried, and moved on, probably not understanding too the enormity of his challenge for survival. I took it naturally, it was hard, it felt hard, but it didn't was a nightmare, just hard. He was young, a fighter, I am/was patient, we were a good team.

I personally believe that Love, with L, is a choice.