Tired Of Being Strong

[mittam99]

You loved him so much Ana, and ultimately that's all that matters.

[Margm]

Ana, we were so shocked to find out Billy had an aneurysm on August 31st.  We had no idea that was only just the beginning.  Then the severe stomach pains, the ER visit, the hospital stay and discharge only to return directly back. He had cancer everywhere.  Why didn't I see some sign?  Why didn't the doctors read the lab reports he had twice a year?  I second guess myself all the time, why that hospital, why not another hospital, why not a Louisiana hospital.  And all this time, this very, very short time, I was going to have a miracle.  We had already had two miracles for me.  I don't know when I thought God had resigned and made me boss.  It went so fast that I learned miracles don't happen for everybody.  To have lived this long and not know that, I had led a magical, mystical existence.  My heart is with you my friend.  And, that is why we come on here, because everyone's heart is with us at all times.  They understand.

[Elly57]

One thing I've learned in all this......wether you were with your partner one year or 50 years, it make no difference. The depth of your love is what counts. The time we've had counts, to each and every one of us. When people say oh you were only together for a short time. That makes me so angry. I was married for 17 years and we had ups and downs but my love never wavered. 

[mittam99]

Elly you are so absolutely right. It's not the length of time you were in love but the intensity. I think all of us posting here were madly in love with our soul mate. We wouldn't be hurting like we are if that wasn't the case. Anyone that says something like "you were only together a short time so why aren't you over it?", doesn't have a freaking clue. The nice thing about this forum is you won't be judged. We are all "peers" in a sense, we are all suffering. We are all missing the the best part of our world.

[kayc]

Ana,

If George had had something horribly wrong with him and I'd known about it, I would have chosen to stay with him with my eyes wide open, through and through.  It's what we do when we love someone.  There is nothing wrong with you, you loved someone "normal" that happened to die way too soon.  I wish all of us could have had a different outcome.

[Gwenivere]

20 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 To have lived this long and not know that, I had led a magical, mystical existence.  

I felt I had lived a magical life too.  Even during bad times, I seemed some good force would help me.  I expected that after I lost him, but it seems to disappeared.   I hope that force was not solely him because that means I am screwed!  Steve seemed to have lived a charmed life too.  Like all the things that detour people never happened to him.  I thought about that when he suffered, if there was some kind of pay back, but I don't or can't believe it works that way.  So none of this makes sense to me.  I got dropped into another world now filled with losses.  Or now I am really aware of them outside the cocoon we had.  And when things got in, we fought them together.  Deaths we encountered we could console each other.  Minor problems, again together on that.  I've lost my wing man, my partner who always had my back.  I don't like this flying solo so I feel grounded.  Stuck in the gravity of grief.  

[brat#2]

Gwen, exactly!!

Joyce

 

[scba]

Thank you all from my heart!!!!!           I feel better.

[kayc]

Our lives were definitely magical together.  Together we could face anything!

Ana, 

I'm so glad you feel better!  (((hugs)))  How is it going there?

[Cookie]

7 hours ago, scba said:

Disclaimer, I am having a hard time...!

Maybe my complicated grief and heart aching makes me even more vulnerable to the outside. Friends tell me I am very strong to endure so much, yet I dont perceive that they endure that much. "Im sorry", but then they are back to a normal life i never had, i wanted to have, and probably I will never have. I am not alone "in here" but I am so alone "out of here". I accepted to go to a friend's for lunch. There was her best friend too. She started to talk about her recent date, and I tried to pretend I was fine, but remained in silence. I understand that I cannot set up the topic agenda and this girl has no fault and should be free to tell her joy. She described her date, a total normal 30yo guy, with a career, income, car, expectations, looking to build a family etc. I was not listening, my mind was going to a place I don't want to go, but it goes. "What was wrong with me? I have caused this, because I choose not a normal guy, but a special guy. I choose not to save myself, he told me he was sick and I stayed, I choose love and here I am, dealing with so much pain and cursed for the rest of my (social) life".

Maybe the only reason I want to stop this pain is for not thinking any of this, I feel disgusted with myself and a failure to my boyfriend. I don't know where I belong anymore. I AM SO TIRED. I WOULD LIKE TO SLEEP FOR 10 YEARS, 20 OR 30. 

Maybe in 10 years I will be truly strong, and not this fake strong. 

Ana:  My heart goes out to you...I hear myself in almost everything you say.  I am not as young as you, I think, but I too wonder why loving and caring has to bring so much pain.  But the truth for me and probably for you is that we chose our paths due to love, and it was so beyond wonderful while it lasted.  You didn't do anything wrong; you loved greatly.  It's so sad for you and all of us that we had to lose our great loves and in such awful ways.  I want to hug you and everyone....Cookie

[Margm]

6 hours ago, mittam99 said:

"you were only together a short time so why aren't you over it?"

In one of my books I quoted what was said about the length of time and the ages of the people.  One older widow was told that she had touched so many milestones in her long marriage and one younger woman was told that she was still young and could start a new life.  But, the hurt is as terrible when you are older as it is when you are younger, and it does not matter how many years, the pain is just as great.  There are so many people on our forum and we all hurt, that is the reason for the forum.  So many things you all have said resonate in my life.  I just wish peace for all of us.  I thought being numb was good, it meant healing, but then the numb wore off.  I like numb.  

[Elly57]

I like numb too, Marg.....

 

[kevin]

I see a Red Flag when the term"get over it" is ever used....Even in the kindest terms people say to me I'm moving on, getting over the passing, dealing well with.....my answer is the same to all, you have no idea ,but thank you........It was written on this board that this Journey is endless but not without Joy, and I hope my life Journey has a few more good Chapters. to write...Gwen, you nailed it.

Edited April 19, 2016 by kevin

[Margm]

 

42 minutes ago, kevin said:

.It was written on this board that this Journey is endless but not without Joy

Someone is missing from my life.  I feel like those people on The Walking Dead, but my granddaughter brings me joy.  She was Billy's heart, and being around her makes me feel closer to him.  Being in Louisiana I feel closer to him.  And, I probably am not too far behind him.  But, I won't make it happen on purpose.  

People don't say bad things to me, or cruel things.  Perhaps that is because most of my friends understand what I am going through.  But, my beautiful grandchild was bullied because she is Amerasian.  And she is beautiful in her physical makeup and in her heart.  I was a carrot topped, freckle faced little kid, but no one ever made fun of me.  The worse I ever got said to me was "she's got freckles on her but she's pretty."  I said that unkind thing to a friend of mine years ago when she lost her husband, and I have regretted it all those years, but she seems to have forgiven me and forgot it..  I carry guilt for long times.  I think I will numb-down to bed now.  I wish you all a peaceful night and I wish you all enough sleep to refresh you in the morning, even carrying our heavy loads.  I don't know how that Irish quote went, but something about the sun in your face and the wind at your back.  

[scba]

Dear friends, it's been two weeks since I moved out and I haven't had internet access until today. Our world is so dependant of being online and on internet for your everyday life.

I'm doing well, but I have made some discoveries. The first one, I replaced one routine for another one and my life practically consists in distractions. Not living, caring that much, just being distracted until I know what it is going on with me, in me. Changing air did something, but being in grief is not like having a health problem and if you move closer to the sea or to the mountains you will be fixed and feel better. Most people believed so and I sensed their dissapointment in their voice tone when I told them "I don't feel better nor restored, I have changed town and routine. End". 

Secondly, I have came to understand all of you in the broad sense of being and feeling a widow. Until now I have lived with my parents and they took good care of me, and protected me. Now that I am on my own and I do the everyday chores like a single person, I am not single, I do not feel like being single, and It doesnt feels as when I was single. I have been crying more since I found I am a widow, I felt I have opened yet a new door and how many doors of grief are to be opened, I wonder. Now that I am alone I took the courage to look at our pictures and to me it seems impossible that he is dead, probably this feeling will not abandon me ever. 

Thanks for reading. Ana

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, scba said:

I have been crying more since I found I am a widow, I felt I have opened yet a new door and how many doors of grief are to be opened, I wonder. Now that I am alone I took the courage to look at our pictures and to me it seems impossible that he is dead, probably this feeling will not abandon me ever. 

I don't think it ever will, Ana.  I don't recall exactly when it hit me, but indeed it was a shock to know I now had a label.  A widow.  I hate the word.  I hate the feeling.  I hate everything about it.  It is courageous to look at pictures.  I manAged to not 'see' Steve in the pictures around to house for a long time.  Now I cannot stop seeing him when I pass them.  I even used one here I see every day.  That feeling of impossibility is so very hard for our heads and hearts to accept because it is final.  No A, B or C multiple choice options.  I don't know how long the intense pain will be for you, but short or long, it's a terribly dark place to be.  If I had a magic candle that could shed some much needed light, I would give it to you.

[Margm]

Ana, Gwen, I don't think this feeling ever leaves.  We do get distractions.  My granddaughter just reminded me of something funny and we both laughed.  Five minutes ago I had tears in front of the computer screen where she could not see.  Just random tears that happen without it being dramatic.  It just happens.  My neighbor, who is coming up on five years, told me yesterday that she went to the patio door and was so reminded of going to the same patio doors and calling down the hill at her husband to come to supper and she just cried.  I think we are going to do this as long as we live.  And as far as finding someone else?  My Billy definitely would show himself if that ever happened, so it will never happen.  Two of my widow classmates remarried and it sounds like a nightmare to me.  Even if I were younger it would not happen for me.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I know people remarry and Steve would probably be OK with that.  But I wouldn't.   I already had my man for this life.  Of course, being older is a factor.  I'm pretty set in OUR ways.  Would drive someone else crazy!  

[Margm]

Me too Gwen and I would silently (oh heck, I cannot be silent) would compare them to Billy, and that would never be fair for them or me.  I am okay alone.  I think Billy is with me somewhere or the other.  I just don't have faith in anything right now and sometimes it gets worse instead of better.  Yes, I think Billy would want me to be happy, but happy with family, not someone else.  I knew Billy very well and could never hurt him again, even though he is not here in body.

[Polly]

59 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Me too Gwen and I would silently (oh heck, I cannot be silent) would compare them to Billy, and that would never be fair for them or me.  I am okay alone.  I think Billy is with me somewhere or the other.  I just don't have faith in anything right now and sometimes it gets worse instead of better.  Yes, I think Billy would want me to be happy, but happy with family, not someone else.  I knew Billy very well and could never hurt him again, even though he is not here in body.

Marg,

I feel the same way. My mother-in-law has actually told me that I needed to find another man. Bless her. She really meant well. I think she just meant that I needed a man to help financially. The first time she said this to me I got upset. Like how could she be even thinking this. I ended up telling her that Richard treated me so well that there would never be anyone that would compare to him. I'm ok with being alone too. Yes, Richard would want me to be happy. I'm sure he would understand if I wanted to be with someone else, but I don't want to be with anyone else. Richard was my everything. He was the first guy that I was ever in love with that I trusted with all my heart. I know he felt the same way about me.

My sister and I had his conversation a few months ago. Her husband has been gone for 6 years. She told me that she could never be with another man because she would feel like she was cheating on Jeff. I thought about that and I might feel the same way.

[Margm]

Well honestly, unless Billy had gone to be a perfect angel, and I know they are supposed to be perfect, Billy would not approve of another man, even in his "perfectness."  But, that is just me.  I will say there was never another man like Billy, good and bad (and, there was a little bad, even if he did not mean to be.)  Not criticizing, I would welcome that first ten years "bad" back if I could do it over again and be deliriously happy with it.

[brat#2]

I would welcome that first ten years "bad" back if I could do it over again and be deliriously happy with it.

Marg, boy do you have that right!!!

Joyce

 

[scba]

Dear Gwen, thank you for wanting to send a magic candle to me. I would do the same to you, and to all of us here in the forum. The grief experience is horrible, that's my opinion too. Maybe we will become enlightened, grown ups, wiser and etc. But to have to reach that place through this horrible way, to me is impossible to understand and rationalize, unless I accept it is part of being human. Resignation. Period. Maybe in my head there is the realization that it is final but I cannot totally comprehend and embrace it.

[scba]

21 hours ago, Marg M said:

Ana, Gwen, I don't think this feeling ever leaves.  We do get distractions.  My granddaughter just reminded me of something funny and we both laughed.  Five minutes ago I had tears in front of the computer screen where she could not see.  Just random tears that happen without it being dramatic.  It just happens.  My neighbor, who is coming up on five years, told me yesterday that she went to the patio door and was so reminded of going to the same patio doors and calling down the hill at her husband to come to supper and she just cried.  I think we are going to do this as long as we live.  And as far as finding someone else?  My Billy definitely would show himself if that ever happened, so it will never happen.  Two of my widow classmates remarried and it sounds like a nightmare to me.  Even if I were younger it would not happen for me.  

Dear Marg, I can relate. Living now with my younger brother (he is 24 yo) there are funny moments and I laugh. When I am alone, I am silent, and I shed tears here and there, randomly. When I was a child and my grandpa passed, mum used to be very silent and with a grave face. I didn't understand why and tried to distract her. It is unconfortable for those who don't understand. Now, I uderstand. I don't cry in front of my brother, but I shed my share of venom in the form of cynism. He doesn't like it, but I have this awful feeling that I own it and cannot be punished. 

[scba]

9 hours ago, Polly said:

Marg,

I feel the same way. My mother-in-law has actually told me that I needed to find another man. Bless her. She really meant well. I think she just meant that I needed a man to help financially. The first time she said this to me I got upset. Like how could she be even thinking this. I ended up telling her that Richard treated me so well that there would never be anyone that would compare to him. I'm ok with being alone too. Yes, Richard would want me to be happy. I'm sure he would understand if I wanted to be with someone else, but I don't want to be with anyone else. Richard was my everything. He was the first guy that I was ever in love with that I trusted with all my heart. I know he felt the same way about me.

My sister and I had his conversation a few months ago. Her husband has been gone for 6 years. She told me that she could never be with another man because she would feel like she was cheating on Jeff. I thought about that and I might feel the same way.

Dear Polly (and Marg),

My MIL told me the same, that my boyfriend wanted me to be happy, that those were the last words he said for me, and that I should find another men. I was shocked, angry, upset and disgusted, although I understand her well meaning (she is like a mother to me). She said that as a mother.

I made an excersize, I tried to imagine to be with another man, to start dating, getting to know each other, going out, living together, sharing every day life, have intimacy. I tried to leave aside my feelings and to focus on the image, phase to phase. I used a picture from guy on a magazine. I noticed that I was recreating my former life with my boyfriend, that this fake man had his features and personality. And then I realized that this fake man from the future is not boyfriend, that he would be a totally different man, with his own story, way of being, personality. And  because so, he would treat me differently and so the story would be completely different. Do I want to go throught the unknown terrytory to find a love, if it is revealed to be true love, that I could loose again for a variety of reasons, not only death? Today my answer is: No, I don't want to. I don't want to suffer again. 

I keep comparing every man with my boyfriend, with my neighbour that I met twice in the elevator. My soul is looking for him. I cannot accept.