Tired Of Being Strong

[KATPILOT]

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend who wondered if anything was happening between me and Kathy's friend who comes occasionally to visit. The three of us had lunch together and my friend thought perhaps we would get involved. Now normally I would have been upset by the query but hey it's been five and a half years so it wasn't all that unusual for him to wonder. I should say we are not like real close friends. I would never share my deepest feelings with him. Let's put it that way. But it got me thinking. Was I being closed minded. Someone once suggested that while I was grieving, what if the person I was always supposed to meet came and then passed?  I haven't been all that sure about myself for a while now so maybe I was so locked up in grief that I was closed for business.  I thought about it for some time trying to figure myself out. That is impossible of course.  But I did end up right back where I started. I'm still so in love with that woman. She occupies my thoughts off and on all day long. I can't get her out of my head and I know now I don't have to.  The trick is simply to find a way to live and enjoy life somehow by myself. Eventually others will see it in me and maybe even admire what I can do. Until then I just have to accept the suggestions with a smile for so many of my friends have never experienced this hell of an ordeal.  Kathy and I never had the time to discuss my life after she was gone because we thought we would beat this till the very end. I believe she would never have suggested I find someone else because she knew me all too well. I'd rather move on alone thank you.  When my grandchildren get older, the last thing they will want to do is spend time with grandpa like they do now. I had them spending the night Friday. When that happens, I know it's going to feel much more lonely around here but I guess I'll just have to figure that one out when the time comes. The future was never so frightening before. Have you ever gone round in circles asking why this had to happen? I know I have.                Lots.

[scba]

Your last sentence reminded me of a piece of a poem from Linda Pastman:

"Acceptance. 
I finally reach it. 
But something is wrong. 
Grief is a circular staircase. 
I have lost you".

51 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

Have you ever gone round in circles asking why this had to happen? 

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, KATPILOT said:

 The future was never so frightening before. Have you ever gone round in circles asking why this had to happen? I know I have.                Lots.

I've gotten absolutely dizzy going in those circles.  Like everyone....why did this happen to US?  We were just sailing along, minding our own business, content and not harming anyone.  And then like a judgement passed by some hellish court, a verdict was issued that made no sense.  No appeals allowed.  Not even able to speak for ourselves....it just swooped in, ruined everything and took off without looking back.  

[KATPILOT]

"We can't return we can only look

Behind from where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game".

Joni Mitchell

 

I was reminded of this song which she wrote in response to Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain". She was kindly saying,  Neil your twenty now. Get over it.  Yes we sometimes feel as if trapped in this new life where everything is wrong, out of place. No order. If we try and make sense of it we would just go mad. This is simply what the world looks like without them in it but once in a while you stoop to pick a flower and perhaps think of it as a little of the beauty they left behind.  That ladies, would be a good day.

[Gwenivere]

 

4 hours ago, scba said:

Dear Gwen, thank you for wanting to send a magic candle to me. I would do the same to you, and to all of us here in the forum. The grief experience is horrible, that's my opinion too. Maybe we will become enlightened, grown ups, wiser and etc. But to have to reach that place through this horrible way, to me is impossible to understand and rationalize, unless I accept it is part of being human. Resignation. Period. Maybe in my head there is the realization that it is final but I cannot totally comprehend and embrace it.

I know in my head the realization is at this time the hardest thing to accept.  It's my first thought waking every day.  Ive had 18 months of it and yet there it is every frigging day.  I can think of easier ways to become enlightened and wiser.  I see no positive in this at all.  It's become baggage I have to carry forever now.  It is part of the life experience, one of us had to go first.  Resignation.....surrender and submission according to the dictionary.  Not exactly things that will add to our quality of life as we try and move forward.  This is the very reason that platitudes from the well meaning anger me.  Let's be real.  This is the worst feeling in the world.  One we never knew existed.  One we could have lived without knowing.  This isn't like someone said something mean about us or things we thought were utterly hurtful.  This is the real deal.  And there is no return policy.  

[mittam99]

Gwen you're right of course,  but we're kind of between a rock and a hard place at this point. It may not seem like much of a life (it isn't) but it's the only one we have, right? What choice do we have? I mean, we can be resigned to the feeling that our life will be (day in day out) misery or we can try to find some glimmer of hope no matter how small a sliver. Nothing about this is easy. Fun no longer exists in our vocabulary. We're living in a world where emptiness has replaced love. Where torture has replaced happiness and comfort. It sucks, to be blunt it sucks ass.

The only way it will ever get better (it seems to me) is to adapt and sort of retool our thinking a bit. Now look, we all know that sounds good on paper but good luck trying to work it all out. And that's what makes this journey feel so nearly impossible at times.

I don't have the perfect solution to make everyone's grief journey easier. If I did I'd write a book, become famous and make millions.  Truth is, no one has created a step by step guide to make this easy.

All we can do is roll out of bed in the morning and try our best to make it a "good day" (good being a relative term). But, then, we have to deal with those triggers that pop out of nowhere and try to ride those waves and hold on for dear life.

Having said all that, it still boils down to one simple fact. It's one day at a time.

Glad we have each other here at the forum.

Hugs to all.

 

[Gwenivere]

Yup, one day at a time, over and over.  I'm in a bad mood.  I see you caught on to that.  :-)

[brat#2]

Gwen, I don't know how to "quote" someone's post, but yours above said exactly what I've been feeling too.  Yes I'm in a bad mood too, so tired of trying to make it through another day.  So tired, period.

Mitch, I try to wake up every day and say "I want to make this a good day", but so far I haven't really been able to that yet, at some point during the day I get hit hard with this thing called grief and the rest of the day is done.  I'm still trying and hopefully one day I can wake up and have a not too bad day.  By the way, love the new picture of Tammy, you can see the sparkle in her eyes.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Joyce, thanks for saying that about Tammy. She was so sweet and spunky!

The thing is, I don't wake up and go "I'm going to try to make this a good day", of course. I just take them as they come like we all do. And honestly, I can't say I have many "really good days", more like "I was able to function pretty well" days. It's just that when I have a "moment" I'm able to pull out of the darkness when many months ago the darkness kept pulling me down all day.

My "progress" is kind of hard to explain. I mean, I miss Tammy every bit as much as I ever have, maybe even more so. I still don't understand why this all happened. But, I'm able to feel like I can keep Tammy "alive" by posting about her, by keeping her in my heart and by incorporating her essence into my everyday actions. Now that last part sounds weird after writing it. What I mean is, I'm doing things in a way that Tammy might have done them or at least approved of. It's very hard to explain, but by doing this I feel somehow less alone. I've also had some almost magical things happen that make it feel like Tammy is still here somehow, helping me in this new life. That's probably helped give me more of a sense of comfort than I would otherwise have.

 

[brat#2]

Mitch, I understand what you are saying and I guess I am doing that a little now too. Now instead of sobbing and screaming almost every hour of every day, I'm crying (not sobbing) and talking (not screaming) and it's down to about every 2-3 hours a day, so I guess that is progress??

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

When we married our beloved, we became a team.  I imagine that you and Tammy were like Mark and I; no real ME decision, or HIM decision...but an OUR decision.  We don't have to purposely include our spouses in those day to day decisions, because the US still exists.  We were so in-sync.  I understood what you were trying to say.  Like you, I don't get out of bed with the intention of making it a GREAT day.  Mostly when I wake up, my first thought is getting my three dogs taken care of.  There is a rhythm to how things go in the house.  Most times I am trying not to forget something important, especially when something in the morning throws me a curve, which could be as simple as laying my keys in a different place, or having to change my shirt for work (like this morning) when one of the babes decides to jump on me.  I make sure I leave the house with my purse, keys, lunch and anything else I sat there that I needed to take with me.  I come home the same time, and do the same things.  It is all about the routine.  It is what keeps life moving on track.  I was off three days last week, and I only ventured away from the house ONCE.  Mark and I were homebodies, so not going out isn't a big deal.  I don't make plans to go someplace; but I will go along with someone else.  My best friend comes over every other Saturday and spends time with me.  Keeping it simple makes it bearable.    

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, brat#2 said:

 Now instead of sobbing and screaming almost every hour of every day, I'm crying (not sobbing) and talking (not screaming) and it's down to about every 2-3 hours a day, so I guess that is progress?

I don't know what progress is anymore.  Last year I definitely had indescribable moments of hellish pain, but I actually functioned.  This year I don't sob much either, but I don't feel connected with life and do less than I did.  It's like the longer he is gone, the less interested I am in life.  I don't know if this will turn around, but it does scare me living a life I don't care about anymore.

[brat#2]

 

Gwen, I wish I could just snap my fingers and take our pain away(for all of us).  I know how far along someone is in this grief journey doesn't matter, we all hurt, but going on my 10th month I see what you are saying.  So far, I've been able to function, not really living, but functioning.  I also can see how the farther along you get in the journey how much harder it will be to be without him and to have interest in life.  I sure hope that you are able to turn that feeling around soon and you can find something, I just don't know what, that will make it easier for you.  I wish I could be there to give you a hug, I know that doesn't help much especially since it's not from the one person you want it from.

Joyce

  

[KATPILOT]

I read sometime ago about pain management for the long term. It had to do with chronic pain and how to deal with it not using drugs. When I fell from a roof and badly broke both legs, I ended up with a lot of pain that never has ended and that was in 2002. They obviously took me off the pain meds and that was a bummer. I was actually becoming addicted to it but it sure got rid of the pain.  So I worked at managing the pain mentally and now after all this time it appears I can live with it.  I think the pain of grief is almost like that but it hurts a hell of a lot more. Now after five and a half years in grief, I don't feel it as bad. I still have moments sure but it's almost like I can manage the pain. Could it be that given enough time you get there? Since there is no medicine for grief pain, we haven't much choice. While we are slowly adapting to the pain of grief Gwen, we also slowly start caring about life again.  It's like the circle game again. We keep going around in circles seeing the same triggers as we go round but it happens so subtly that we didn't know when it occurs. We just notice it eased up a little and we started seeing a future again. I couldn't tell you the day I first felt that, or even the month. I noticed it looking back. 

I understand what you're saying Joyce. As we travel on  grief's journey it seems to get harder being without them and finding interest in life yet it will change. I am in no way discounting how you feel. It's horrible. The worst pain ever. If we could trade it for the physical pain we would in a heartbeat. But this kind of pain only comes because we love them so much and were dependent on them for making our lives complete with a future. That might be the reason we have so much trouble finding new reasons to live.  The most difficult part is trying to keep going till we find it easing up.

When I went back and read what I've written above, I worry it might be taken the wrong way. I'm not preaching. I'm just hoping to show that the light is there even if the tunnel is long.

[brat#2]

Stephen, thank you for your words of encouragement and enlightenment.  I did not take your words as preaching, just trying to help.  Thanks

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

Joyce, I'd take tha hug in a nanosecond if I could!  :-)

Kat, in other words you are talking about 'patience'.  Not one of strong suits.  But I am becoming aware of life again.  I see it in the people living it and how my place in it has drastically changed.  It's like watching a parade go by an wondering when I will be able to step in again.  Right now I'll keep my seat on the sidelines a bit longer.  But thank you for your insight.  

[Cookie]

Katpilot:  I thank you for what you wrote.  I have to say that I'm having the blackest of times.  It's almost a year since John died (June 13th will be 1 year) and I've started feeling worse yet again.  Lots of memories and even the good ones hurt.  The worst thing I've experienced so far, though, is I had met two other widows as mentors who were a year or two ahead of me in grief.  We met (they don't know each other) and hung out some, but they both started never getting in touch even when I called them.  Recently, I've talked to both and they both are really having hard times, talking about possible suicide, etc.  What was really depressing was when I offered to sit with one, she said, "I don't want to talk about grief, be around grief or havie anything to do with grief," meaning I represented grief to her and that is probably why these people don't stay in touch with me because I obviously bring up bad feelings in them because of where I am.  How hard is this.  I certainly hope if I get through this that I can offer some measure of small hope to someone just beginning this journey.  Of course, I have no way of knowing if that will be possible.  It's not looking to rosy out there for grievers.  Anyway, your post was quite comforting to me.  Thanks, Cookie

[Margm]

Oh Cookie, I am so sorry.  I have said our street has five widows on it.  My neighbor widow is my salvation.  Her home and heart are open to me 24 hours a day.  Being a close class of high school graduates of over half century, having many close widow friends after working with women for 43 years, I have a vast network of women widow friends.  Some have remarried.  I just want to live long enough to get resettled and attend our newly started ole friends dinners in my home town.  I have even rediscovered gossiping.  Not sure if I really like that as Billy was my best friend for gossiping.  I feel close to the young Billy in this area where we both started every phase of our life together and were kids.  I will find me a church and rediscover the faith I have lost along the way.  And if I am not allowed time to do all this, then C'est la vie.

I'm sorry those lost souls did not realize we all need each other.  Until then, you have all of our virtual hugs and friendship.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Cookie...

I'm sorry that those closest to you that could help aren't willing/ready to be there. I used to belong to a Yahoo group, but found it hard to deal with all the different scenarios, and some cases of someone really needing professional help seeking it through emails.  There is one lady who I have continued to correspond with and I feel she is there for me as much as I am for her.  This forum has been the best therapy for me.  We are glad you count us as friends and we are here to help you make your way along your journey.

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, Cookie said:

What was really depressing was when I offered to sit with one, she said, "I don't want to talk about grief, be around grief or havie anything to do with grief," meaning I represented grief to her and that is probably why these people don't stay in touch with me because I obviously bring up bad feelings in them because of where I am.  How hard is this.

Cookie (and I know this may be of little comfort) please don't take that personally even though it feels so personal. Just remember, everyone grieves in their own way. If that woman can't handle talking about grief, it's her choice and it isn't because she doesn't like you. Grieving a soulmate is the toughest thing any of us will experience.

I'm so sorry you feel like you've taken some steps back in your journey. Just be gentle with yourself. Know that all of us have those "moments" where we don't know how we're even surviving this terrible new existence. Like we all do though, it's one moment at a time. Try to do what feels right for you. You mentioned the word "hope" and for me, that is a word that needs to be a part of our vocabulary. Without it, it's hard to feel the motivation to climb out of this hole of darkness we're in.

Hugs,

Mitch

[KATPILOT]

Just a thought. 

I have seen people turn away from anything that reminded them of grief, sorrow, or missing their loved one. It sure looked like denial to me. It could however be that they simply like many grieving souls, find it worsens their grief to be with others who share grief with them. We are all different of course but I for one find comfort in sharing and hearing from others who suffer. I feel it does two things. It combats loneliness and it forces me to think.  When I find myself up in the middle of the night, I often read what others are saying here and make a remark once in a while. I can't explain it but I feel better and then go back to sleep. I can only say that there must be other people out there who feel much as I do and if you keep searching, you will find them. Sometimes they find you. I have met and become good friends with two ladies who had lost their husbands before I lost Kathy. We can meet and talk share our sorrow and talk about our lives. I received terrific insight from these two ladies and it helped lots. I knew them both before but not that well. I never knew what hell they must have been going through for I wasn't a member of this sad club yet. After we talked I realized that people who "get it" somehow find their way to each other. 

I understand how it feels when people run from you and your grief but they are not doing it because of you. It is simply their own issue. Keep yourself open. Others are out there just like us but you can't tell by looking. They appear just like your average person yet they have a secret.  You know, when I look at a crowd of people now, I wonder which ones are carrying a cancer of some kind. I also wonder which ones have lost somebody. If a sign suddenly popped up over their heads, I bet there would be many.  How interesting that I look at life so differently now. I'm simply a product of what I have been through.

[scba]

6 hours ago, Cookie said:

Katpilot:  I thank you for what you wrote.  I have to say that I'm having the blackest of times.  It's almost a year since John died (June 13th will be 1 year) and I've started feeling worse yet again.  Lots of memories and even the good ones hurt.  The worst thing I've experienced so far, though, is I had met two other widows as mentors who were a year or two ahead of me in grief.  We met (they don't know each other) and hung out some, but they both started never getting in touch even when I called them.  Recently, I've talked to both and they both are really having hard times, talking about possible suicide, etc.  What was really depressing was when I offered to sit with one, she said, "I don't want to talk about grief, be around grief or havie anything to do with grief," meaning I represented grief to her and that is probably why these people don't stay in touch with me because I obviously bring up bad feelings in them because of where I am.  How hard is this.  I certainly hope if I get through this that I can offer some measure of small hope to someone just beginning this journey.  Of course, I have no way of knowing if that will be possible.  It's not looking to rosy out there for grievers.  Anyway, your post was quite comforting to me.  Thanks, Cookie

Dear Cookie, it is hard and hurting. I have been there too, my only alive relative who is a widow told me that she wanted to die after her husband died, but then she found a reason to stay: her sons and grandsons. She gave me a book to read. And that was all. A member of my family, someone who knows me since I was born, had nothing more to say and to do.

I'm not perfect and I will probably never forget this. That is why when she went through a health issue I never asked about. The majority of people call mum or ask mum how I am doing, but never call me nor ask me when they meet me. People who had their own losses too, never asked me nor did something to start the conversation. Or if they did, they simply said "you will be better".  I expected to find a supportive community "in person", because we need to share grief in person too. But I have this place to find confort and support. I wish we had the power to tele-transport as in Star Trek.

You are appreciated here. 

[KATPILOT]

7,807 to beam up!

[Gwenivere]

Cookie, I think there are just times when we each reach a point that living in grief becomes so terribly frustrating, isolating, lonely, sad, depressing, torture, an endless blackness that we all just want to say the hell with it.  I don't want it anymore!  I don't think it was a reflection on you personally, but a response to days, weeks, months of unwanted companionship with a monster we just want to go away and can't shake off.   I know there are days I want to not read or feel it, but yet I come here to remind myself I am not alone.  I have noticed that in person I have cut way down on talking about it because it makes it too close.  Or if I do, I have to find a 'good' time to do it.  Some days we are just too beaten down, have lost sleep or whatever that we withdraw as best we can.  But it is always there.  

[kayc]

Cookie,

I'm sorry you couldn't have a reciprocal supportive relationship with them.  My friend lost her husband a couple of years after I lost mine and we were all friends, and her and I were able to be there for each other, even though we chose to handle our grief differently.  We could sit down with each other and talk, and that helped, just being able to remember them together.  Like Mitch and Steve said, I hope you realize it's not personal, it's just how they choose to handle their grief.  You will be able to help others someday, but right now you have your plate full, although just sharing our grief together here is helpful to us all.