Tired Of Being Strong

[Margm]

On 5/3/2016 at 10:54 PM, Gwenivere said:

I'm in a bad mood.  I see you caught on to that

Gwen, I guess I must stay in a bad mood.  People tip-toe around me.  I keep remembering Billy saying to them "Mama gets a pass."  I guess I will be remembered as a shrew.  I wonder if we care about those things in the way beyond where we cannot see or hear from someone we might like to hear from.  

[Gwenivere]

I give myself a pass everyday.   If I don't need to use it, it's a semi good day.  :-)

[Cookie]

17 hours ago, scba said:

Dear Cookie, it is hard and hurting. I have been there too, my only alive relative who is a widow told me that she wanted to die after her husband died, but then she found a reason to stay: her sons and grandsons. She gave me a book to read. And that was all. A member of my family, someone who knows me since I was born, had nothing more to say and to do.

I'm not perfect and I will probably never forget this. That is why when she went through a health issue I never asked about. The majority of people call mum or ask mum how I am doing, but never call me nor ask me when they meet me. People who had their own losses too, never asked me nor did something to start the conversation. Or if they did, they simply said "you will be better".  I expected to find a supportive community "in person", because we need to share grief in person too. But I have this place to find confort and support. I wish we had the power to tele-transport as in Star Trek.

You are appreciated here. 

Ana:  Thanks so much for sharing.  It is amazing to me how people can be so unkind.  I know it's not deliberate, but unkind nonetheless.  I guess they are trying to protect themselves.  This is so horrible, who would want to revisit it....yet, on the other hand, it feels so good to help someone else.  I know that I would rather be helping other widows/widowers than asking for help.  I do hope that someday I will really be of service to someone in this situation in some way.  Meanwhile, it does hurt and I am also so grateful to have this place to come for comfort.  There are so many wonderful people here.  Wish this were a live, in-person support group.  Just think of the fun we could all have....thanks again, very kind of you to talk to me...warmly Cookie

[Cookie]

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

Gwen, I guess I must stay in a bad mood.  People tip-toe around me.  I keep remembering Billy saying to them "Mama gets a pass."  I guess I will be remembered as a shrew.  I wonder if we care about those things in the way beyond where we cannot see or hear from someone we might like to hear from.  

You don't sound like a shrew to me.  You definitely deserve many passes.  Warmly, Cookie

[Cookie]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Cookie, I think there are just times when we each reach a point that living in grief becomes so terribly frustrating, isolating, lonely, sad, depressing, torture, an endless blackness that we all just want to say the hell with it.  I don't want it anymore!  I don't think it was a reflection on you personally, but a response to days, weeks, months of unwanted companionship with a monster we just want to go away and can't shake off.   I know there are days I want to not read or feel it, but yet I come here to remind myself I am not alone.  I have noticed that in person I have cut way down on talking about it because it makes it too close.  Or if I do, I have to find a 'good' time to do it.  Some days we are just too beaten down, have lost sleep or whatever that we withdraw as best we can.  But it is always there.  

Yes, Gwenivere, I think there is a lot of truth in what you say.  It's been a hard struggle for me to absorb these types of behaviors from others, as I have been so vulnerable feeling and needy for support.  I believe these people are suffering terribly still over their loss.  I just don't think, I hope, that I would say to someone who is hurting that I don't want to hear or see their grief.  But, we all have to have compassion for others, me included, and I'm trying.  I've recovered from the hurt and, yes, will probably draw way back from talking about how I feel.  Someone needs to rewrite the grief literature for others, though, in terms of advising people to mourn openly and talk about their grief because when you're in the beginning throes of it, you don't have many filters available and the damage done by others, no matter how innocent, packs quite a wallop.   I'm grateful to have a place like this to talk.  Thanks for listening, everyone....very warmly, Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, my mama never had a filter on her mouth.  That woman could hurt feelings anytime she talked to anyone.  She cut down one woman that had complimented her and the poor woman was speechless.  I had long ago quit apologizing for her mouth and I just walked away from both of them shaking my head saying aloud "I cannot %$#@&+ing believe this."  Some people just have to be accepted for their uncouth ways.  I have a friend, and she is a friend, who is exactly like this.  She is always giving me advice.  I politely ignore it or come back with one of my catty, sweet replies that flies right over her head.  She has lost one husband and probably after 11-12 years is going to lose another.  Her mother outlived three husbands.  Some people need to be ignored, or learn to be catty sweet to them.  It is a doable thing.  Or just learn to stare at them after a remark, politely turn away and walk away shaking your head.  That is how I had to do my mama.  

[Cookie]

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Cookie,

I'm sorry you couldn't have a reciprocal supportive relationship with them.  My friend lost her husband a couple of years after I lost mine and we were all friends, and her and I were able to be there for each other, even though we chose to handle our grief differently.  We could sit down with each other and talk, and that helped, just being able to remember them together.  Like Mitch and Steve said, I hope you realize it's not personal, it's just how they choose to handle their grief.  You will be able to help others someday, but right now you have your plate full, although just sharing our grief together here is helpful to us all.

Kayc:  I'm not taking it personally at this point, a week or so from the encounters.  This is a terrible situation to be in and it is true that sometimes you're not in your right mind no matter how long it's been, I guess.  I do feel terrible for these ladies.  I think my reaction had something to do with my own fear of how long this hurting will go on and hearing what the ladies had to say scared me.  I will continue to look forward and try to not let these things get to me.  Thanks so much for your support....Cookie

[Cookie]

20 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Cookie, my mama never had a filter on her mouth.  That woman could hurt feelings anytime she talked to anyone.  She cut down one woman that had complimented her and the poor woman was speechless.  I had long ago quit apologizing for her mouth and I just walked away from both of them shaking my head saying aloud "I cannot %$#@&+ing believe this."  Some people just have to be accepted for their uncouth ways.  I have a friend, and she is a friend, who is exactly like this.  She is always giving me advice.  I politely ignore it or come back with one of my catty, sweet replies that flies right over her head.  She has lost one husband and probably after 11-12 years is going to lose another.  Her mother outlived three husbands.  Some people need to be ignored, or learn to be catty sweet to them.  It is a doable thing.  Or just learn to stare at them after a remark, politely turn away and walk away shaking your head.  That is how I had to do my mama.  

Marg:  Love that....I'm learning.  I think I have always been way too sensitive.  Maybe this is one of my lessons in all of this....thanks, Cookie

[kayc]

I hope you don't take what others say to stock because frankly, everyone's journey is different, esp. since some do their grief work (and it is a LOT of work!) and we all have different personalities and different ways of dealing with things...not to mention our relationships are all unique.

[Margm]

"One size does not fit all."  I surely would not want anyone to accept my way of life as their own.  Actually, I don't have a way of life.  I was born, married, now widowed.  I would not wish my way of life on anyone.  And moving is not for 99.9% of the people..  I usually live my life in that little 0.1% anyhow.  I am usually such a downer, so if I can lift anyone's life up for one second with frivolities, stupid things I do, things I would not advise anyone else to do, then I have served my purpose.  And, that purpose is..................well, I just don't know.

[Cookie]

Marg M:  You seem like anything but a downer to me.  I love to read your posts....Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, cleaning out Billy's things have pulled me so far down.  I think if I had buried him I would have put these all with him.  Now it is the topo maps and I will never try to read the elevations of land by a map, either they go up or they go down.  I will have to give them away, and surely there is someone down in Louisiana that Billy would like me to give this stuff to.  He was kinda selfish (except with family) and could be very jealous, and I know he is gone, but I don't want to tempt fate.  It is just so much stuff.  He was so obsessive.  Notebooks of numbers, figuring line length, width and whatever the hell numbers figure in fly fishing.  I am just so torn.  When I found his boots the answer was right before me.  I tried putting them under the table his urn is on and then I just decided, well, we will burn them..  All his old hunting clothes burned.  They had been out there for 10 years anyhow.  They were all locked up.  Oh well..)))sigh((( .we all face this stuff. I just decided to stir mine up fast.  You know what they say about stirring around "stuff."  So, guess you all will have to listen to Dingbat Downer for awhile.  And, no one can say I wasn't warned.  

Tonight I am watching Longmire, one of his favorites on Netflix.  I remember A&E, or whatever it was, dropping Longmire and he was so excited that Netflix had picked it up.  Strange, I don't like it near as well without him.  I like that Grace and Frankie with Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda.  Brianna doesn't like me to watch them without her.  She is in New Orleans to see the band 1975 (no, I don't know who they are either), but she wants to marry Calum of 5-SOS (seconds of summer) and if I was the richest woman in the world I would kidnap him for her.  (If he gets kidnapped anytime soon, I am not the richest woman even in this little town, not even this little street.)   

[kayc]

Margaret, you are so funny!  

I'm sorry you're having so much to deal with.  George wasn't a hoarder, but I still have my kids' dad's stuff and my son's stuff,ugh.  I kept it while he was in the service, kept it while he was in college, now two years later he still hasn't come got his boat, rock crawler, bedroom & 1/2 of stuff, stuff in garage, shed, & shop, ugh!  I figure I'll die and make him deal with it someday, divine retribution.

[Margm]

I know. We have so many other people's stuff.  Scott is like his dad and burns whatever is not Billy's.  I expect repercussions.  Oh well, let them come.

[Clematis]

Seriously-burning stuff? I would have repercussions from that, but it's Arizona and fire season is about to start. Dealing with my dad's stuff is overwhelming. I can't do it-well, not alone anyway. I have to get someone to help me. Maybe a couple of them would be better...

[kayc]

It's still burning season here, the ground is saturated with moisture.

[Margm]

This is only 175 miles from flooded Louisiana.  Our little creeks/rivers come up to the bridges here in Arkansas.  My dry stream bed down the hill from the house became a torrential river.  Our burning is safe, in fact, so much humidity we have to "stoke the fire."  We are safe.  (My fingers are crossed for luck.).

[Cookie]

Marg:  It's so timely you wrote about going through Billy's things.  That's what I did this morning, took John's clothes out of our closet and bagged them up, put them in the garage until I figure out what to do with them.  My heart is so broken, sitting here crying, missing him so much; so torn.  Feel like I'm losing another piece of him and I guess I'm not ready to let him go yet, if ever.  This is so hard, excruciating.  I am going to keep his nice shirts and at some point incorporate them in a guilt.  I gave his wedding ring to our son when he died, and I hate to say it, but wish I had it with me right now.  It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  It probably was....just want every piece of him back but can't live with the things without him in them.  That probably sounds weird, but maybe you and others here will understand it.  I know what you say about watching programs they used to love.  I can't seem to watch any of the ones John liked; it hurts too much for some reason.  You seem so genuine and great sense of humor.  Thanks for your posts....warmly Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, this is what I am doing.  My kids do not seem to think I am any crazier than they always have.  I think it might get confusing after awhile, but for every piece of my clothing that I hang up, I am putting two of his in between.  The symbolism suits me just fine.  When I get to cursing him for having so many clothes, then I might have to rethink.  His wedding ring I wear on a sterling silver double chain along with mine.  That chain has to be cleaned often because I "perspire" and I sleep in it too.  I had bought one gold one and one white gold one to wear them on.  The gold one broke, I had my receipt and Walmart gave me the money back.  The sterling silver one is much stronger, and I doubled it because I am not dainty, I am still a "tomboy" and move about often, but I don't pull them off except to shower.  I would just feel destroyed if I lost it, that is why I doubled the chain.That is just what I do, does not have to make sense to anyone but me.

[brat#2]

Cookie, I understand what you are saying.  Today has been 10 months since Dale died and I just can't bring myself to give away anything of his yet, I haven't even been able to move his stuff from where he had placed it.  As for his wedding ring, the hospital had to cut if off him one time due to his hand and arm swelling so bad, so I had it resized and I wear it along with mine.  It is heartbreaking to see his stuff and him not using it, but can't do anything with them either.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Cookie, Joyce:  It is heart rendering, stabbing, terrible pain to go through all of Billy's "stuff."  And, I keep telling myself "SO THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN BY NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR A YEAR."  It is not a SOLUTION for me to put things in individual big plastic buckets with locking tops.  But, it will allow me to go through them AGAIN when I feel like it.  If I never feel like it, then it is all boxed up for whoever is left to do away with my things after I am gone, and maybe Billy and I can look down and smile on it.  Right now I don't know where he is, but I am going to find him if I live long enough, and if I don't, maybe it will be like I was taught.  I am hoping for that.

[Froggie4635]

This week finds me so on edge...but cannot put my finger on the cause.  I left work yesterday feeling like I had drank 5 cups of coffee; ready to come out of my skin.  Today is not much better, but I am focusing a little better.  Part of me really wishes I would have taken more time off when Mark died.  But I was in such a fog for the entire year, that nothing really got to me.  Now it feels like my mind is racing between all sorts of thoughts.  I had put all sorts of reminders of my grief journey all over my desk...quotes and pictures I had printed out from Pinterest.  Well, I removed them all and decided to use my creativity to put them in book form as an aid for my journaling. Part of me wants to separate from the grief; part of me is feeling more in love with my husband than when he died...it isn't possible because I loved him more than myself.  Part of me feels like I am sitting idle...which as an Aries, drives me crazy.  I feel like a spinning top.  I know however I am feeling is okay...but I can't put into words what is going on.  Could it all be because I am approaching the day I am to take my driving test (05/20)?  My focus is just all over the place.

[scba]

Maryann, I too experience a feeling of being more in love now than before.How can this be true? It doesn't make sense. I am tired and I guess I am crazy in a way that cannot be certified by a doctor. 

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

My heart is so broken, sitting here crying, missing him so much; so torn.  Feel like I'm losing another piece of him and I guess I'm not ready to let him go yet, if ever.  This is so hard, excruciating. 

Cookie, of course you're not ready to let go of him and who says you ever have to? Only do what you feel is right in your heart. Please don't ever feel pressured into doing something you're not ready to handle. Hugs.

 

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

That is just what I do, does not have to make sense to anyone but me.

You got it right Marg. We only have one person to answer to in this journey and we see them in the mirror daily.

 

[MartyT]

I think it makes perfect sense, Ana. When your beloved was alive and an active part of your life, you were exposed to all that was wonderful about him and everything you loved about him ~ as well as whatever little (or big) faults or little irritating or annoying habits he may have had. In death we tend to remember only (or most especially) the good stuff about our beloveds. We're no longer exposed to whatever faults or bad habits or irritating behaviors they may have had, or may have developed had they lived a longer earthly life. Some of us idealize and even glorify our departed loved ones, remembering them as saints and not as the human beings they really were. We are in love with how we have chosen to remember them.