Tired Of Being Strong

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, scba said:

Maryann, I too experience a feeling of being more in love now than before.How can this be true? It doesn't make sense. I am tired and I guess I am crazy in a way that cannot be certified by a doctor. 

My gawd, that's it!  What is tearing me apart more so than all the other things I have uncovered about this hellish journey.  I AM more in love with Steve than I ever was.  I've had to experience life without him and while I knew he was the love of my life, I couldn't see how deep that was was because I lived it.  Having it taken away shows just how deep the roots go.  Like dandelions, you can't stop them.  You would have to dig so deep to kill the root.  They flourish thru any weather while flowers and grass die.  I think I've discovered a new respect for a plant that everyone sees as a pest.  It survives, no matter what.  A wierd analogy, but it makes sense to me.  I keep loving this man more and  more, but can't be with him to share it.

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

We're no longer exposed to whatever faults or bad habits or irritating behaviors they may have had, or may have developed had they lived a longer earthly life. Some of us idealize and even glorify our departed loved ones, remembering them as saints and not as the human beings they really were. 

I have to disagree, for myself, here, Marty.  I remember everything about Steve.    I have no illusions of the man.  I see him in my mind every day as the person he was that made me happy, but sometimes angered or hurt me.  What I find interesting is that it doesn't diminish my love for him.  I'm not missing him as a saint or angel, I am missing the mortal man in all his ways.  I've known people that have glorified thier lost ones as you said.  Maybe thier anguish is worse, I don't know.  But my realistic memories are hell enough.  Like joking around, our rubbing each other wrong is the same black hole I live in now. 

[brat#2]

Oh that is so true Gwen and Ana, I do love him more and I don't think of him as a saint, I remember everything good about him and everything that used to drive me nuts, but that is what made him, him and why I love him.  He made me so happy, but also made me mad or hurt me sometimes, and I'm sure I did the same for him, but that is what made our marriage ours and why I miss him so.

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Gwen, Ana, Joyce...

I agree.  I know Mark was no saint.  He was never anything but a gentleman towards me, but the things he did to himself...smoke, drink, are all things I will remember.  Before we were married, and a couple times afterwards, he went off the deep end and just lost who he was to whatever he couldn't handle at that time.  But loving him meant loving each and every part of who he was.  He struggled with his self-esteem, and many times he would ask me why I married him.  Those qualities weren't ideal, but they were part of Mark...and I loved him.  I remember the morning I got the call that my dad had died, and all he wanted to do was take away my hurt.  I remember the night after our big staff luncheon, how proud he was of me.  Even though I complained about it, I miss his snoring. There was no denying any part of his personality.  What I think of most are the evenings sitting on the swing in the yard, watching our favorite shows, how much I looked forward to his phone calls...to hear his voice; the voice of the man who loved ME like no one ever had.  He was my true partner, and it is so hard to be without him.  It is not just a loneliness.  It is not a hole that anyone else can fill.  He was the first person who really loved me; not for anything I had done for him, or because he settled for me.  He was so smart, and I know he wanted to give me the world.  But I told him often...it wasn't what he could get for me....it was what he gave freely to me.  His heart.  Of course there were times I got irritated at him; when he made poor choices. We respected each other, and not once did he lose mine.   Sometimes I wish I would go back into that fog, where the pain was subdued and numb. 

[Margm]

I was not perfect, he was not perfect, but we were perfect for each other.  I think I said too much so I just deleted it.  We did a lot of growing up together and we just made a lot of mistakes.  I think that is enough to tell.  If you have already read it, well, we were no angels.  We grew wings the last 20-30 years of the marriage though and I miss his sorry behind.  The rest of him too.  

[mittam99]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

Some of us idealize and even glorify our departed loved ones, remembering them as saints and not as the human beings they really were. We are in love with how we have chosen to remember them.   

Marty, there certainly is truth to that but I know many of us don't feel like we are idealizing or glorifying. In my case, Tammy genuinely was the sweetest and most courageous person I've ever known. Was she perfect? Of course not. We all have faults. We didn't fall in love with each other because we were perfect. We fell in love because we were perfect for each other. Well, as perfect as two perfectly imperfect human beings can be anyway.

(Marg, while I was typing this up I see you basically wrote the same thing about you and Billy),

Just a little story to illustrate the type of person Tammy was. She was in the hospital and was not doing very well. An older woman (a volunteer) came into our room to ask Tammy how she was and how the hospital was treating her. The woman mentioned that she volunteers because the hospital had helped her husband in the past. I'm sure most patients at that point would list their complaints about the hospital to the volunteer. Instead, Tammy asked the woman about her husband and how he was doing. When the woman told her he had since passed away, Tammy asked the woman to come closer so she could hold her hand. The woman was genuinely touched by this act of kindness from Tammy. Tammy was such a loving soul.

I think what happens, is that, when our loved one dies, we are left with time to contemplate what we had and what we've lost. In our lives together, there wasn't really time to stop and reflect about things. Now, we realize, more than ever, how perfect our union really was.

 

[kayc]

I don't think of George as a saint (he would laugh real big at that!).  I remember him just how he was.    But if any of us had known little irritations, we are no longer bugged by them because we now have a perspective that changes everything...we realize in the grand scheme of things, what mattered was THEM and our getting to be together, even if only for a time, and all we were privileged to learn from them and how our lives were affected by having them in it.  The thing is, we fully loved and appreciated each other while he was alive, and that hasn't changed.

[Patty65]

On 5/10/2016 at 8:06 AM, MartyT said:

In death we tend to remember only (or most especially) the good stuff about our beloveds. We're no longer exposed to whatever faults or bad habits or irritating behaviors they may have had, or may have developed had they lived a longer earthly life. Some of us idealize and even glorify our departed loved ones, remembering them as saints and not as the human beings they really were. We are in love with how we have chosen to remember them.   

Definitely true of me.  I told my therapist a while ago -- there is a reason for the expression "don't talk ill of the dead".  All those petty annoyances - all the little faults, the things that may have driven any one of us crazy sometimes -- that is not the higher truth of who they were and are. All of those things were simply responses and coping mechanisms to what he went through in his life.  I don't see it as my idealizing Ron.  I see it as holding dear the higher truth of Ron, who he really is and will always be. His heart and soul.  That's all that matters now.

[Margm]

On 5/10/2016 at 1:06 PM, MartyT said:

Some of us idealize and even glorify our departed loved ones,

We had a lot of years.  I was blessed.  We went through some rough times.  I could always look back on his faults and understand where they came from.  Our first few years were horrible.  Not physically horrible, but mentally terrible.  Even then, I knew where he was coming from.  My problem was I was going to "pay him back" for the abuse, and I did.  Now, I wish I hadn't.  We were able to talk about it after he came to terms with my "payback."  He was able to own up to why he acted that way and he apologized.  Even knowing the type of people we were, the type of couple we became, would I go back and do every one of those 54 years over, just exactly like we did them.........absolutely. I think I could have left off the "payback" but even that brought us to where we were the last half of the marriage.  I always said I wanted to die of boredom.  Well, now I get my chance.  

[Gwenivere]

I hear ya on the boredom, Marg.  It's just a shame it is combined with grief and sadness.  At least if it were only boredom I could concentrate on reading or a movie.  Maybe even those coloring books for adults.  ANYTHING to fill the time without this constant restlessness.

[Gin]

I feel I am the Queen of boredom!   The TV is on all the time, even if I do not know what is on.  Just noise.   I fee like my life is a waste.  I do nothing of any importance to anyone.

[Margm]

I tried those beautiful coloring books.  The stupid tremor has gotten so bad I cannot keep it between the lines.  Now, if I cannot keep my color inside the lines, I won't color.  We were always told to "keep it inside the lines."  Guess that is life.

In thinking back though, if I had spent my life coloring inside the lines, I might already be dead of boredom.  It was a wild ride.

[Cookie]

Maryann:  I think I can relate to the edginess thing you were talking about.  I call it anxiety...get really edgy, nothing sounds good to do, end up just doing nothing, feel like I'm coming out of my skin.  I was talking to my counselor yesterday and he said that is very normal.  You've had a major loss and everything is threatening now in life, and it's just a process of feeling it and going through it.  I struggle with these things every day.  Apparently this can be a very long process.  Thanks for sharing.  Wish we didn't have to go through this.  Warmly Cookie

[Cookie]

I also loved my husband in spite of the annoying things.  Those just seemed natural, part of life; anyone is annoying at some time.  But, like Maryann, John made me feel so loved completely; it was such a gift.  Nothing could trump that.  It was also the first time for me in my life that I had felt so completely unconditionally loved, as I came from a less than nice childhood.  This is truly excruciating to do without on a daily basis, and I can see that it will be a long process to regain some emotional balance.  I see a counselor, who has been great (I went through 5 to get to him).  He calls himself my companion on this journey and it is very comforting.  I wish all of you comfort in going through this.  You wouldn't wish this on anyone.....hugs to all, Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, when I was fighting the cancer years ago, I was working at the teaching hospital.  I had any number of doctors to choose from.  I was trying to work through the guilt of losing my dad, two best friends, and one of their dad's to cancer during this short  period of time, working through my cancer and my religious belief as to why I had the cancer.  I did not need more guilt..  I settled on one weird Freud looking fellow.  It was going just fine until he started working some sort of transference thing on me and suggested I was really in love with him.  It just  did not seem right.  One of his teachers (he was a 3rd year resident) was in private practice.  I had to run from this little wormy transference doc.  I did tell my doc, his teacher, what all he had said.  I did go to her for a number of years and she helped me.  I do not know if I believe in hypnosis, but that wormy little character started looking good to me and that is when I ran.  I was vulnerable and I hope she straightened him out. 

[Cookie]

I'm going to give an example of the extreme anxiety I have been suffering since John's death.  I have finally gotten a job, a good job, only 10 hours a week (perfect), good pay, nice people.  I was a medical transcriptionist for 20 years, and I've been hired to do transcription for a local mental health facility.  Anyway, since I'm so experienced I should be confident; this is what I've always done, and if it were a couple of years ago, I would be so excited.  But, unfortunately, even though I'm happy I got the job and want to work with really good conditions, I am feeling so anxious, totally lacking in confidence, scared I'm not going to be able to do it.  It is so disturbing to feel this way, especially when I know somewhere deep down that I certainly have the skills, etc.  I feel like a child.  This is what I wish I could get past, and I was totally caught off guard by this reaction.  I can't believe it.  But, someone quoted to me a line from C.S. Lewis' book..."I never knew grief would feel so much like fear," or something like that.  Neither did I......Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, I retired from two hospitals in medical transcription.  Total of 43 years.  Our hospitals had gone to voice recognition and you will appreciate this.  Doctor said "parenthesis" and the voice recognition heard "bull flatus."  I so wished I had been ready to quit at  that time, as an "editor" I would have left it.

Good luck with this.  I loved my job so much, until they put me as an "editor."  I had had enough then.  

 

[kayc]

Janice,

Just know this is normal, and my confidence also took a hit when George died.  I still am not the same employee I once was.  It shakes up everything in your world, including your view of yourself.

[kayc]

Marg,

I did medical transcription for four years and that was enough.  I liked taking dictation back in the day and was good at it but as soon as I got a job at a medical facility, it changed to using dictaphones and half the time you couldn't figure out WTH they were saying, there'd be a bleep in the middle of the word, annoying!  I wouldn't do it for anything in the world now!

[Margm]

Actually Kay, once they perfected the computer age it got easier to transcribe.  You did not have white out, pink out, yellow out and blue out for copies.  And, the docs would tell us to go up and change things (no way that could happen until the computers came).  About the time the computers came though, then we got the foreign doctors who spoke English as a 2nd or 3rd language.  I remember one little transplant surgeon, typing his three pages of surgery, I would recognize an instrument, know which part of the body he was operating on and just try to put the instruments in the part of the body the surgery was being done on.  I would go back and look in the chart to see if he made corrections and he never did.  I don't think he could read English either, or I was just damn good.  One Vietnamese female doctor came down and was fussing because we could not understand her.  She said the VA transcriptionists understood her.  My cousin was a transcriptionist at VA and they could not understand her either.  She was fussing and I turned my back on her.  I understood this "Why does she hate me so"  Never got in trouble about that incident.  Our aristocratic older white haired supervisor one time looked down her nose at one of the doctors and said "My girls do not make mistakes."  I loved it.  It was my report, and yes, it was my mistake.  He did not argue with her.  He said "yes mam"

Don't know if this goes under "tired of being strong" but somehow or other, I did it anyhow.

[kayc]

Oh I can imagine!  I was doing it back in the typewriter day.  And of course the doctor would be in with a patient and you have nine carbon copies you don't want to disturb and if you leave a space and try to fit it in later it would turn out to be a 19 character word.  Ugh!

[Froggie4635]

Dear Cookie...

I understand about the confidence thing.  About two years before Mark died, I changed departments within our agency.  I used to work in the membership part, and was very out front and first line for people interested in our organization.  It was a burn-out position.  I got overlooked for a promotion when my boss got promoted, and they hired someone else to come in and be my boss...someone I had to train.  Anyway, I moved to the accounting office and I adore my job now.  I have a routine, and know what needs done at what time of the month.  But  I am no where near as confident any longer.  Staff meetings are a nightmare for me, especially those that require group participation.  I am more nervous now.  I know I am more than capable, ut I don't trust my memory or my thought process any more.  It was like someone took my old brain and replaced it with one that can't function the same.  It is so annoying and scary sometimes.  I have to write down so much.  I have a pocket calendar to keep track of when my bills need paid, and there are times I still miss the payments by a day or two.  I have always been a person who was ON TOP OF THINGS....and that person is gone. I have no idea how to get her back.

[scba]

I suffer these feelings too. I used to read 600 pages novels. Now, just the newspaper. I used to be focused and had attention to detail. Now i cannot focus on one thing for more than 15 minutes, like a millenial. I procastinate and procastinate. And I am looking for a job as from the profile of my old self, cause I don't know what this new self worths for and wants, and I am scared I won't be able to get a good job and perform well. 

[Margm]

I signed all the papers for the apartment.  A whole folder full of papers, rules, and regulations.  Most I will not have to worry about.  I signed them, but I did not comprehend the explanations that were given.  

 “Regrets are born of paths never taken.” Michael Dell  

I cannot think of a path that I have ever gone on without my Mama and Daddy, and then Billy.  Now the paths I go on scare the hell out of me.  I could say scare me to death, but even though I have walked beside that path myself, Billy left me to walk that path alone.  Being alone is scary.  I have my kids and grandkids, but I've never walked alone.  I have to say I can do it because my only other solution would be to hide in the closet, and believe me, enough of my family have come "out of that closet" that surely I can come out too, and I am coming out alone in a different concept.  

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, scba said:

I suffer these feelings too. I used to read 600 pages novels. Now, just the newspaper. I used to be focused and had attention to detail. Now i cannot focus on one thing for more than 15 minutes, like a millenial. I procastinate and procastinate. And I am looking for a job as from the profile of my old self, cause I don't know what this new self worths for and wants, and I am scared I won't be able to get a good job and perform well. 

Ana, grief changes everything. In many ways we are a different person. Lack of focus and concentration are all normal. Things that gave us joy no longer do. It's going to take time to adapt. A lot more time than any of us imagined. You can only do what you can do at any given moment.

I have no doubt you have the ability in you to accomplish great things. Hugs.

[Froggie4635]

Procrastination is a very good word to describe this...I feel no urgency to do more than is necessary to keep life moving along.  Making decisions used to be so easy.  Now I hate them.  People always want to be nice and ask me where I want to go, or what do I want to do.  I tell them I don't really care.  I am happier to just tag along with someone as be the person who leads the way.  Most times I get to where I "wanted" to go and find no reason to be there.  It is a big chore to buy groceries.  Mark and I used to go and he would plan meals and purchase what we needed.  I would just fill it in with the other stuff we might like.  The things Ana says are so true.  It takes so much energy to keep focus on my job; my pace is slower so that I don't make mistakes.  If I have too many interruptions, my whole day just falls apart because I can't pick up where I had been.