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Tired Of Being Strong


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On 5/7/2017 at 1:27 PM, Marg M said:

Ana, all you wrote is true, for me for sure, and probably for all of us.  How can I be strong?  I am ancient.  I have no strength.  I have no Billy.  Yet, I have to show strength.  How can I do that?  My hands shake, my voice shakes, and I am terrified.  I can pray for strength, but I am not even sure I am heard anymore.  I cannot take over my limit of Xanax, if I take too many they quit working.  I really think I need a counselor myself and am unsure how to go about it, but what I am really wanting is Billy.  I cannot have that.  

Sometimes I give out too much information.  Most times.  I'm sorry.  I've gotta be strong.

I'm sorry to read that MArg. Know that we support you. You are very strong too.

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On 6/7/2017 at 0:18 PM, kayc said:

Ana,

Why do you tell people you don't remember?  Is it because you don't want to talk about it?  Is it because you don't want them to know you're in the place you are?  Of course we remember, we might like to forget, but we can't.  Anything of significance like this is indelibly etched in our brains.

You have done everything you know to do but the one thing you'd like to fix, you can't.  Same as all of us here.  But I hope you realize you have made progress, look at what you have done in the face of adversity!  You are a survivor.  Of course nothing is the same as it was before, that's true for all of us.  I hope life gets better for all of us, I guess that remains to be seen.  I think sometimes our progress is in such small increments as to seem imperceptible, but it's progress nonetheless.  I've learned not to discount it, I'll take all I can get.  

Thank you Kay for your words of support.

I tell that because I don't want to talk about it, feel unconfortable and be analyzed by people.  

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On ‎07‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 9:08 PM, scba said:

Thank you Kay for your words of support.

I tell that because I don't want to talk about it, feel unconfortable and be analyzed by people.  

I understand this.  I don't really want to talk about it with most people because it's clear they don't understand and that hurts even more; even other widows/widowers get on the positivity bandwagon when they start doing better; they seem to forget what the mire feels like....still feeling like a stranger in a strange land.....

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This life we are living is difficult at best and it is made so much harder when we are feeling so alone and misunderstood.  So sorry for the struggling you are doing @Cookie.  I sure hope there are better times to come, not that I think there will be a time without my husband that could be better than even the worst moments with him.  18 months and grieving for you Gord ❤️

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Cookie, I don't think any of us forgets what the mire feels like no matter how hard we try to be positive.  We just have different ways of dealing with what life hits us with.  As for feeling alone, I feel it keenly most of the time no matter how many people I'm around, and I do get out almost every day.  There's something about having that one person that loves you and needs you in their life more than anything in the world, that person who cares what you think, that person that is the other part of your "team"...and when they're gone, no amount of people can fill that void.

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

As for feeling alone, I feel it keenly most of the time no matter how many people I'm around, and I do get out almost every day.  There's something about having that one person that loves you and needs you in their life more than anything in the world, that person who cares what you think, that person that is the other part of your "team"...and when they're gone, no amount of people can fill that void.

It's like when people tell me they're pulling for me or they are there for me. It's nice and I understand the sentiment but I only want ONE person and I can't have her. What people forget is that we could be in a stadium full of people and still feel alone. The team analogy is spot on. It's like we're a pitcher standing on the mound and our catcher is gone. We have no one to throw the ball to. We're all alone out there and everyone is staring at us and we just don't know what to do next.

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Such is the danger of over-simplification.  Not to say there isn't a rainbow or a butterfly, but remembering everyone's experience is different.  I am one of those people that likes to learn through my experiences...I will look for things to learn.  If that's annoying, I apologize, but it's who I am.  If someone else chooses not to, that's their decision, I won't hammer them for it.  To me, it helps me to find meaning in things that otherwise have no meaning and can be a hard pill to swallow.  I hate cliches, I find them annoying and something to be avoided.  Pretty much anything/everything one can say to someone grieving can be received negatively.  We're sensitive, thin-skinned, and don't see much good about the experience...who wouldn't be when they just lost their loved one!

"you’d trade all the growth in the world to have your loved one back.  Experiencing PTG is of little consolation in grief, and I suspect this is why sentiments that aim to comfort through promises of transformation and self-discovery often fall flat."

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

 If that's annoying, I apologize, but it's who I am

Why would anyone be annoyed by your being who you are?  We are all a smorgasbord of people with one thing in common, we hurt.  None of us are the same.  Some of us look for someone to be close to again, some of us had closeness that we cannot imagine having again, so we won't look.  Who is right and who is wrong.  You do what is right for yourself.  If you find out it was a mistake, you get out of it.  (Myself, personally, if I did not have so much family I would probably get a puppy). All any of us want is happiness again, and we probably know we will never have anything that comes close.  So we come here where we have like comradeship.  None of us does the same thing the other person does.  One size does not fit all. Some of us do not have the distractions that others have.  Some of us are alone, but even with people around you, you are still alone.  I realize it is not the same.  I used to read Eleanor Roosevelt, but she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.  Silver tarnishes, so stainless steel is okay.  I hated learning the new programs on the computer so I placed one of her sayings on the side of my computer.  I cannot say it helped.  But, it did not hurt.  That one was about fear.  But I discovered this one when looking for it. 

“It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

I think I try to shut myself up like a clam a lot of times.  No apology.  We are who we are and we handle things the best way we can, who can criticize?  It is what it is.  

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

If you find out it was a mistake, you get out of it.  (

I have been trying to get in touch with my closer friends, none of which lives in town (majority is abroad). Their news are: I'm pregnant, I'm getting married, I met the love of my life, I like my new job.

My only friend in town is dating, I don't hear from her now. I am on my own once more. 

Their say was, maybe one day you will (fill in the blanks).

I congratulated them for their news, I promised to keep in touch, I hunged and cried, after each conversation. Because I had all of that, and it was taken away from me. I I was left here to feel this horrible pain which may not kill me but doesn't feel like it makes me stronger.

 I have to use past tense. It is gone. I will live without my true love until my last day. I knew it was him when I met him. He was the best gift, and I understand that at least I had it. But "At least" doesn't confort me, not enough.

 

Maybe I should call nobody and hear no good news for a time. I understand what Eleanor says. 

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This is such a tough place to be in the living world now, Ana.  We all hear the things everyone else is doing and that delight in life.  I try and  stay connected with my all long distance people but it's tough listening and I am glad they are not suffering, but so hard to honestly share in thier enthusiasm.  When they ask about me I have to decide between the truth or a down play of it.  I know it is tedious for them to hear my pain, even tho they care.  The catch is not sharing the full truth, it adds to the aloneness.  But we don't want to lose them because we are often downers.  It's like I have to save up til it is really bad to share it.  It's certainly not like coming here.

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Ana,

It's so hard for young people to lose their partner, not only because they were gypped of time together, but also for the reason you mention, your peers are at that point in their life when they are happily getting married, having babies, having a fulfilling career, buying a home, etc.  With people in my age group and older, half of them are married but half are divorced or widowed and a good share of them their lives have not turned out as planned, they've had some heartache along the way, maybe some medical issues that change their lives.  It's not all champagne and roses.  Many of them have known heartbreak and disappointment.  Most have lost their parents or are in the place where they are losing them.  Shared misery doesn't make for consolation, but it does have some perspective and understanding.  It's tough seeing those on FB that are going on cruises and having a wonderful time in life...of course that doesn't show the whole picture, but it does seem a drastic disparity from where my life is now.

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Ana, my dear, I think the only ones who can truly relate to the challenges you face are those who are closer to your age and stage of development, and whose circumstances are similar to your own. I've probably mentioned this to you before, but I hope you will take a look at some of the many resources specifically aimed at people in your age group: Resources for Young Widow(er)s ~ most especially Soaring Spirits International

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It's painful for me to be around happy couples now. I was at lunch with an old friend who was going on about plans with his wife, also named Susan. I didn't speak at all as grief built up but finally threw $20 on the table and left. Since I've lost my First Mate I'm recruiting people to sail with me. One guy asked if he could bring his wife and, after running it by my grief counselor, I told him no, I don't want to be with couples. Guy who went yesterday also asked if he could bring a woman friend and after thinking it over I said yes, but she didn't come after all. Minefields everywhere.

As we approached the mooring yesterday a Falcon landed on the top spreader and stayed. Nothing like that has ever happened before. Could it be her spirit?

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1 hour ago, TomPB said:

As we approached the mooring yesterday a Falcon landed on the top spreader and stayed. Nothing like that has ever happened before. Could it be her spirit?

If it brings you comfort to think so, dear Tom, who is to say otherwise?  

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I don't get upset with the happy couples and events I see. I can't begrudge anyone for having a happy life. After all, that's what we all strive for and that's what we had. I understand that it can hurt because it's a reminder of the life we had with our beloved. But the truth is, all those painful reminders are there with me everyday...

The empty space in bed beside me, not seeing Tammy's infectious smile, not feeling her soft skin or hearing her lovely voice. Not being with the one person that made my life feel worthwhile... who made me feel a deep passion for life.

I'd give anything to be able to re-write history and have Tammy recover and get better and for us to continue living as "two peas in a pod" as we called ourselves. But that fantasy isn't in the cards. So, it's a one day at a time existence. It's trying to live in a worst case scenario world and somehow making the best of it. And right now, I'm entrenched in the "I have no idea how to find a sense of happiness" mode. It just doesn't seem possible. Sure I can make my own meals, clean my house, go to work, shower, shave, exercise, watch TV, occasionally do a social event, etc... but at the end of the day, where's the enjoyment, contentment or joy? I'm alone with my memories of the life I shared with Tammy always inside me, but the future looks cloudy and gray. I want to have hope, try to have hope, yet everyday seems to be a sea of sameness and emptiness.

This is where my journey is. I've reached a roadblock of sorts. I function and function fairly well but I can't seem to take that next step where I feel like I've noticeably moved in a positive direction. I guess I'm sort of stuck it neutral, for lack of a better way to put it.

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5 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

I guess I'm sort of stuck it neutral, for lack of a better way to put it.

Mitch, my dear, I think you've described it perfectly, and I hope you will think of it as being right where you are supposed to be at this point in your grief journey. Other authors have described it exactly as you are experiencing it now. I invite you to read Transition After Loss: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone   

 

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It's understandable Tom. Time does seem to have softened those razor sharp emotional reactions to things that I felt earlier in my grief journey. I hate to say you get "used to it" but the knots in the stomach seems to change to more of a shrug of the shoulders in time. It's all a process. 

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Mitch,

I was about to say the same thing (as Marty did) when I read her response.  This is such a "process", and sometimes we stay put for a while before we move on to the next part of the process, it takes a while to absorb it all, adjust, we're not always readily ready for that next step, we have to go our pace at it.  And a big part of this is realizing that our lives truly are changed forever, not to be the same again, that's a lot to swallow.

Tom, 

I have learned to take as a sign what meant something to me (and George) that was unique to us and spoke to me...so yes, I would take that as a sign.

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