Tired Of Being Strong

[scba]

I want to sit down and cry until no tears are left. I miss you so much. I need you so much. Where are you? 

[Margm]

I read Martin Short's autobiography a couple of years ago.  It struck me in a way that I was feeling things.  I felt like I could reach over and touch Billy's arm, knowing the feel of his anatomy more than my own.  I remembered the scars, he was tall and not really skinny, but I could feel his bones and touch his high cheek bones above his beard, and I can still feel him, but yet he is not there.......but he is.  I talk to him, less really than I did.  Perhaps my widow friend was right, "your still young in your grief."  Her husband had been gone over 10 years.  Yesterday a "friend" from my "before Billy" days was mentioned and my only action/feeling was a recoil, a disgust, and that made me sort of sad.  He was a good guy, but there had already been and always would be only one "good guy."  

In Martin Short's book he was still having imaginary cocktails with his deceased wife after she was gone.  He carried on his  regular witty conversations with her, imagined her replies and he said he knew the conversation would end, but he had to ask it, "where are you Nancy" and she quit talking to him until the next evening.  

This morning, the king sized bed, the old fashioned real king sized bed, I had the comforter on that Billy had loved.  He thought it was beautiful.  I reached over and a part of the cover was doubled over and I could feel his arm with the scar from an old accident, then I felt the comforter.

In my belief, he is waiting on me.  My son had been shot and coded twice on the OR table to be revived, taken back to his room to await surgery when he was stronger.  He had a NDE that showed him light, people he knew, but did not know how he knew them, they were all loving to him and he wanted to stay, but they said he couldn't.  He told me his dad (Billy) was waiting for me and I would know him, and I "want to feel" he will be there for me.  As he used to ask "why do you believe like you do" and he was satisfied with my answer "because I have to."  He had helped me so many times with my faith, and now at age 77, I feel I am closer to him than I was shortly after he left.  I have to believe that.  

I have noticed I did some things in shock after Billy left.  It has to be a shock akin to losing the use of your anatomy after a stroke.  It is a shock I cannot explain, and do not try to.  I won't find him in a coverlet on my bed, I feel closer to him when the moon is full, I talk to the moon, I feel closer in the white billowing clouds.  I have no real explanation.  We find solace where we can.  All of us different, all of us the same, and after nearly  four years, the shock is still with me.  Will be the rest of my days.  

And yes, I still cry.  Sometimes when I am alone it seems endless and I don't want to quit.  Other times I cry, cannot talk, during a TV show or ridiculous commercial.  I keep a roll of paper towels by the recliner, and my family, all of them, are used to this.  

I was telling my sister (and she has a new car, hooray), about something that had made me so angry at Billy.  She said it was no use to  me to get angry at him now, he was not here.  I told her it did not help him, but it helped me sometimes to get angry at him.  I cannot stay that way, but sometimes we do things that do  not make any sense at all just to protect ourselves.......for a moment.

[Kristyn OCCL]

When I was a kid, my mother used to call me "Hard Hearted Hannah." She didn't mean it as any type of a compliment. She always said that I was independent from the crib and never cried. Ever. By the age of nine I had lost my father to heart disease and my only living grandparent, my grandmother, to complications from type II diabetes. I lived through a childhood filled with a multitude of tragedies, and they seemed to follow me into adulthood.  People have always said, "Kristyn is so STRONG!"  And all of my life I have hated being called "STRONG" because it reminds me of my mother's comments and the fact that I never asked for the tragedy resume that I have amassed. 

Over 26 months from August 2015 until October 2017, I lost seven family members. The first was my mother and the last was my husband. At the age of 48 (the age I feared my entire life because my father died when he was 48) I was all alone. I had no parents, both of my in-laws were gone, all of my grandparents had been gone for decades, and now my husband was gone as well. 

As I went through this period of caregiving for three of the people who died, everyone kept telling me again how STRONG I was. After my husband died, I heard it repeatedly. And of course they always added that they could never be as strong as I had been. Every time I heard those words, I felt irritated. It made me think that everyone agreed with my mother, but I never felt that I was that Hard Hearted Hannah she had called me. I have been given no choice in the life that has been handed to me, the life that I've had to endure. I am not strong, I am merely alive......... and some days I am barely that. 

I posted on my website recently about the power of being gentle with yourself during grief. I try hard to be gentle with myself .... and with others. But when someone calls me "STRONG" I cringe, and taste the bitter anger growing inside. I have learned to replace that word.... strong... with something that I can live with. Something that is truer to who I am, who I was forced to become, who time has created in me as a person.... DETERMINED. 

I am determined to do the best that I can, in this moment and in the moments that come. 

[Margm]

Billy left in October of 2015, Mama in August of 2016.  I've been called strong also.  Strong to me is my friend, who is my age of 77, and she is tearing up a bedroom (by herself), going to hang the sheet rock, or whatever it is called, tearing up the carpet, laying new carpet, and she has lost two husbands with a house that floods (the bottom) when the lake rises.  She lives up  the stairs that I hate to climb.  To me she is strong.  I hurt everywhere.  My mom used to sew for me and say "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" and she was so full of her quotes, her witticisms that I just decided to be the best sow's ear purse I could be.  My friend Hettie, a little older than me, told me when a classmate had passed away "at our age we are going to lose people."  That's true, but each death stings.  Strong?   Strong is the coffee I made this morning.  I exist.  We all exist on that path that only one person can walk, but I can reach over and hold your hand.  My heart, my friend.

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Kristyn OCCL said:

I have learned to replace that word.... strong... with something that I can live with. Something that is truer to who I am, who I was forced to become, who time has created in me as a person.... DETERMINED. 

I am determined to do the best that I can, in this moment and in the moments that come. 

Kristyn OCCL:  Thank you for sharing this commitment to how you choose to live.  I will try to remember your words as I face each day.  You have surely had to face so much loss for someone so young.  Like Marg, I am 77 years old and soon to be 78 years old without my husband who passed away in 2015.   This "old woman" can learn a lot from your generation.  I just hate that I have to do it all alone at this age and failing body when I don't have the spirit nor the energy.  Dee

[Gin]

It truly is so hard at this advanced age (80) to deal with all the uncertainties we face.  It is terrible at any age, but I am having a harder time recently.  I will become more determined as I plod on.  Right now I am fussing with financial issues.  I will figure it out.   Gin

[kayc]

Kristyn, I've been told that too, and how independent I am, it's not that I want to be, it's I've had to be, I haven't had anyone to rely on...I could rely on George for the time that lasted, but I lost him all too soon.  I'm sorry your dad died so young, I was 29 and pregnant with my oldest when my father passed at 62, he almost died at 45 when I was too young to be able to visit him in the hospital.  I can understand how you hate being told how strong you are...sometimes we don't feel it, we just have to keep going, like it or not.

I like that..."determined", it serves us well.

[Margm]

20 minutes ago, Gin said:

 Right now I am fussing with financial issues.  I

I honestly have more of a backbone than when I started.  I used to read "if the solution cannot be found, why worry?"  Dammit, I was gonna find a solution.  I could not buy as many groceries, I could save some here, some there, I could use all my paltry little SS to help, and then it got to where the problems were too big for me to help with.  Mind you, they were not my problems but we had always chipped in.  Then it came to me.  Your gonna die.  Okay, I die, what are they gonna do.  Problem this time is more than I can handle, not my problem, so, I have no worry.  Cannot do anything, why worry.  

But, I am getting the cold shoulder............oh well.

[Gwenivere]

This is an interesting discussion.  I, too, get tired of hearing how strong I am.  I’m doing what I have to and letting other things go which dismays me because I used to be able to do it all and then some.  I hate my limits now.  People out there don’t see me when I am alone, desperate and in despair.  I was strong caring for Steve thru his cancer.  It was 2nd nature, not something I had to look for.  Now that I am alone, I need strength and have a very hard time finding any.  The best way I can describe it is feeling heavy.  Change clothes, fed the dogs, get a blood test, make dinner, take a shower.  All things I breezed thru effortlessly years ago.  I can’t even crawl into bed easily as it is a ritual to try and avoid crippling pain before or when I get up.  I don’t like what it does to your thinking.  I feel picked on by life.  It’s all stuff that happens, but I’m worn out on it.  I noticed today my car seems to be stuck in AC mode.  That means a trip to the dealer to look at it.  No biggie, except to me.  You might as well say.....strap on a 50 pound backpack for a 20 mile hike.

marg, the people that want me to do things are doctors.  Try this, that, do a swap here, a tweak there.  I have to do it when I already know most won’t help, make things worse or I can’t get continuing next steps that might.  I just wish they would be a little more validating that this isn’t easy when you are basically dead inside and it makes it feel more so.  I am in agreement with about people in my life asking me for things.   

I’m learning the power of the word NO.  I hate missing my therapy this week and my guy said to come by at 6 instead of 4 so I could keep a doc appointment and I said no.  I want to be home, in my comfy clothes and not deal with disruption of the kids and my routines.  Had emough of that from ER trips.  I can control some of the stress with that little word. I used to feel bad if I turned down helping someone til it dawned on me people have turned me down.  We ask, we can’t expect they will comply for whatever reasons that are valid to them

kristyn said determination.  I must have some because the house is still stands and is clean.  I have food.  I get the girls tended to at groomers and vets.  I even get those showers in with a prolonged ritual for safety.  I have a list of things I want to get fixed.  I wish I felt like doing it, but there are workarounds for now.  I’d love to feel I got them accomplished, but just can’t right now.

I don’t need my shovel anymore to find the core of all this.  It’s there all the time......Steve.

[Margm]

I'm thinking I might need a shrink.  I have actually become mean.  I wonder if this is.................well, heck, I don't know what to wonder what it is. I think I do need to go to a shrink, cannot take their medications though.  

Okay, i deleted my bitch/bitch/bitch.  Can I say this on here?  Mean people can.

 

[Gwenivere]

Sure, you can say it, Marg.  You can be it too.  Lord knows I am these days.  One thing about getting older, I don’t care!  No time to devote to being anything but who I am at the moment. Shrinks are good for meds, usually bad at counseling or not interested in it. I don’t know where I’d be without my therapist.  IF I’d be.

[kayc]

Marg, you've developed backbone, and that's good, we all need some, need to know when to say "no."  Gwen, it's good to hear you say "no" too!  I'm the same way, like to be in and relaxing in the evenings, none of us are as young as we used to be.  That used to be my family time with Arlie, Kitty just hangs out near the Easy Cheese, she could care less about spending time with me.  She was a little clingy when Arlie first died but now she's back to her self-centered self.  She's a cat, after all.

Been walking Joe, he's coming out with his personality a little more, but at the end of the walk I have to return him home.  I miss my Arlie.

Gwen, I get your analogy of a 50 lb. weight on our backs...that's what growing old is like, and I hate that I'm doing this alone.

[mittam99]

On 9/2/2019 at 10:16 PM, Gwenivere said:

 I’m doing what I have to and letting other things go which dismays me because I used to be able to do it all and then some.  I hate my limits now.  People out there don’t see me when I am alone, desperate and in despair.  I was strong caring for Steve thru his cancer.  It was 2nd nature, not something I had to look for.  Now that I am alone, I need strength and have a very hard time finding any.  The best way I can describe it is feeling heavy.  Change clothes, fed the dogs, get a blood test, make dinner, take a shower.  All things I breezed thru effortlessly years ago.  I can’t even crawl into bed easily as it is a ritual to try and avoid crippling pain before or when I get up.  I don’t like what it does to your thinking.  I feel picked on by life.  It’s all stuff that happens, but I’m worn out on it.  

I hear ya Gwen. It's partly the physical limitations we all are feeling as age takes it's toll but (at least for me) there's the lack of motivation component as well. I find it harder and harder to push myself and am neglecting things that need to be done.

When I had my Tammy, life wasn't always easy but I had love and I had purpose. Devoid of both of those elements, life has become a 24 hour cycle of "drab" and finding positivity and meaning is elusive. I mean, I try to put a positive spin on things, but when I look at the big picture of the current state of my life, it's anything but where I wish it was.

I've been in this same emotional place for a couple years now. I miss Tammy, I ache, I long for the life I had with her, etc... etc... etc...

But I'm unable or apparently incapable of making a "new life" on my own that has any measure of happiness or genuine meaning. I feel like I push myself just by getting out of bed, but honestly, at the end of the day, I accomplish very little.

I was proud of myself a while back that I lost 50+ pounds. But, I lost it because I wasn't eating properly. And unfortunately, along with the positive fat loss, I've lost a lot of muscle mass. I feel run down all the time. I'm getting older. I'm alone. I'm bored most of the time. And as dismal as that sounds, combine that with the fact I have no love in my life and no one that cares... well, you get the picture. 

No wonder I tend to yearn for the past. I have a hard time visualizing an improving future. And yet, I haven't given up hope but it feels like that hope light is flickering and fading.

My apologies for the downer of a post. 

Mitch

[Gin]

Mitch,  I guess we are in the same boat.  No answers, here.   Gin

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I hear ya Gwen. It's partly the physical limitations we all are feeling as age takes it's toll but (at least for me) there's the lack of motivation component as well. I find it harder and harder to push myself and am neglecting things that need to be done.

But I'm unable or apparently incapable of making a "new life" on my own that has any measure of happiness or genuine meaning. I feel like I push myself just by getting out of bed, but honestly, at the end of the day, I accomplish very little.

I was proud of myself a while back that I lost 50+ pounds.

No wonder I tend to yearn for the past. I have a hard time visualizing an improving future. And yet, I haven't given up hope but it feels like that hope light is flickering and fading.

My apologies for the downer of a post. 

Mitch

Mitch:  No need to apologize.  Yours words are your feelings and almost each statement you wrote could be from my own thoughts and words.  Although, I have dropped some pounds since I lost my sweet husband,  who loved to cook,  I have not lost 50 pounds - probably should, but just don't want to bother, there's that lack of motivation issue.  There is little I would like to bother with anymore and some days the only reason I get out of bed is to take care of my dog's needs.

I wish the flicker of Hope would flicker brighter since my eyesight is worsening along with everything else.  With you in your feelings.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

About the only reason I get up anymore, Dee. Dogs say I have to.  I haven’t gained weight, struggle to keep it on as eating is a chore, not a social thing anymore.  Plus I eat more processed food as cooking and cleanup takes too much effort.  All in all, days and nights suck.  I just git an email from the head honcho of volunteers where I go and she essentially banned me from visiting some residents I have become friends with.  She truly dislikes me for some reason.  So there goes another opportunity for human contact.  Like Mitch, I feel that hope light flickering even more when I find something and it taken away again.  It’s so hard without family or friends.  So I do yearn for the past, tho that is depressing as it will never be again.  But it’s all I have that contains happiness, joy, anger, boredom, and a myriad of other emotions regular people feel everyday just by living a meaningful life.  My body is failing in so many ways that I haven’t much use for it.  I know if Steve were here it would all be different.  Someone making it worth all stuff docs offer.  I used to be a good patient.  Now I listen, shrug and decide what minimum I need to do to get by.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

About the only reason I get up anymore, Dee. Dogs say I have to.  

I haven’t gained weight, struggle to keep it on as eating is a chore, not a social thing anymore.  Plus I eat more processed food as cooking and cleanup takes too much effort.  

I just git an email from the head honcho of volunteers where I go and she essentially banned me from visiting some residents I have become friends with.  She truly dislikes me for some reason.  So there goes another opportunity for human contact.  

Like Mitch, I feel that hope light flickering even more when I find something and it taken away again.  It’s so hard without family or friends.  So I do yearn for the past, tho that is depressing as it will never be again.  But it’s all I have that contains happiness, joy, anger, boredom, and a myriad of other emotions regular people feel everyday just by living a meaningful life.  My body is failing in so many ways that I haven’t much use for it.  I know if Steve were here it would all be different.

Gwen:  Having your dogs remind you it's time to start your day is a good thing.  I am always amazed how they have their routine that is so well timed each day.   If I have a restless night and end up oversleeping, Maddie will let me know it's time to get out of bed and get on with the day whether I want to or not.

I am not understanding why the "Honcho of volunteers" can ban you from visiting your resident friends.  She definitely is not considering the resident's feelings much less yours.  I always remember how so many residents of the nursing home where my MIL resided were so eager to have anyone to stop and say hello or receive a smile from another human.  How can this person have so much power? 

I agree what you say about cooking, eating and cleanup of meals is not satisfying at all.  Additionally,  grocery shopping can be exhausting.  I did give the service provided by Fred Meyer Grocery  "Pickup" shopping a try.  I shop on line, schedule a time to pickup groceries and a nice young man puts the groceries in my car.  The groceries still have to be brought into the house and put away but was a nice treat not to have to walk the grocery aisles, stand in line for check out and lug the groceries to the car.  I will save this treat when I need heavier items and canned goods.

Yes, those days when we had a life seem so far away in the past.  The life now is not even close what once was.  Dee

 

 

   

  

[kayc]

Gwen,

It doesn't seem right that she can just ban you...I am a fighter, I'd contact their families and ask them to have some say.  It's not in the residents' best interest to lose yet another contact of someone who cares about them.  Their worlds narrow enough.  I deplore power hungry people like that, it's a control issue.  But that's me, I was born a fighter, I was a preemie.

I'm sorry.    Yet another thing.

 

[Gwenivere]

This would be a losing battle, Kay.  I’ve already tangled with the new regime several times and gotten nowhere.  In the past we were never questioned about our visits.  That was under a rational administration.  This one has even employees adhering to rules about socializing.  The past struggles with them have drained me of fighting a brick wall that does nothing but depress me.  I don’t know who to trust talking to staff anymore either.  It’s become very isolating conversing.

The new volunteers are more accepting as they don’t know any different.  It’s us old timers that were encouraged to be the opposite to engage as much as we wanted that struggle.  I go today with a ho hum attitude instead of being excited.  

I asked the gestapo bitch (we OK'd that word here right?) what I should tell one of the women if she calll wondering when I’m coming to visit and was told to say I don’t anymore and to contact the bitch if she had questions.  I think the truth would be better.....Nancy said I cannot visit you anymore and I don’t know why.  Otherwise it will sound like I don’t care about them.  I’m not taking that on.  It’s a lie if I did.

[kayc]

I would be honest as well.  It just seems there should be some senior advocates that take this woman on.  It's not in the patient's best interests.  I don't get this at all!  It's terrible to think you could be placed in a place like that and forbidden to see those who were your friends.  Hard enough taking on the physical challenges, they shouldn't be able to control your life.

I am thankful, that in the dementia care facility my mom was at, anyone could visit her.  They are stripping people of their rights with no good reason.  

[scba]

I haven't written on my thread for almost a year. 

I'd like to write how it's going, and perhaps someone identifies with it too. 

I've read many times that a part of me left with him, that it feels like an amputated leg, or like you have to learn to walk and breathe again, to talk again.... I lost a part of myself but I struggle to believe it. Cause it cannot be true.....

I have realized that I have been struggling with the idea of a new me. Who am I now without him? But why do I have to be a new someone? 

And so, I tried to sort of go back to the past and to be who I was or recognized as such: a good student, a curious someone, a top worker, always trying to do more, achieve more. To be someone who had a future ahead, you know. and so I started to sort of run a race towards my old self.... because I must be somewhere, because some of that must have survived. Somehow if I went back to my old me after all all it would mean that this didn't damage me. 

But it was all wrong. 

I'm struggling with low self steem at the moment cause I cannot achieve what I would like to while I witness my pals playing the match. Like you don't belong here anymore.

I have no idea who am I and what is my value in this world. I need someone to tell me that, truly and sincerely. But that unique voice has faded in Heavens.

In the end all I have been doing was to try to be strong to still be myself and 6 years later I feel completely lost. I don't know who I am and I feel I have been thrown to a existence I never wanted to be. It is unfair. 

Whether I like it or not, it's just One foot in front of the other.

Ana

[kayc]

You don't have to be a new someone...but if you examine it, you'll see none of us are exactly who/what we were before all this happened and uprooted our lives.  We changed.  That is who we are now.  Some of those changes are for the better, resilience, strength, compassion, empathy, survival skills, etc.  But that doesn't mean any of us wouldn't trade it all in an instant to have them back, we would!

And we are different from those who haven't been through it.  They are innocent/ignorant of how life can change in a moment, we are constantly aware of it.  They take for granted what we never can again.  They still have their partner...we don't.  It's like a veil exists between us and them.  We can like them, enjoy their company, but we know they don't "get it."

[Margm]

18 hours ago, scba said:

In the end all I have been doing was to try to be strong to still be myself and 6 years later I feel completely lost.

Ana, I don't know your age, but I sense that you are still young.  We can look at that from two different perspectives.  You, possibly, have a long life ahead of you.  And, that thought is not comforting.  I, with any moment, a mistake in pill, a mistake in my "plumbing" having a problem, (and all of these are imminent), but I don't make plans.  I do look back on the past, and moving back to my home territory has made some difference in my life.  My mom passing less than a year after Billy,  being here and seeing pictures of her as a 12-year-old cute little tomboy farm girl, as a 15-year-old with defiance in her face, as a beautiful woman, then thinking about her life.  I heard her complain that her legs felt so heavy (she lived into her 90's) and I have that same feeling.  I try to feel the woman that she was and the hard mental life she had to live.  So, moving back has brought me closer to my mom, I'm able to see why she did things and I am able to forgive her "meanness" and understand it.  So, moving back to my  home territory has not been a mistake.

I was looking for Billy.  I will never find him again except in his saying "I am you and you are me" and it seems as long as one of us is still here, so is the other one.  But, I am old, and none of us know when it will be our time to leave, but there will come a time.  I wish I could pick the situation.  I don't want my granddaughter to suffer the trauma of finding me lifeless.

As for my age, I do not face the same situations you do.  I can safely say that I could never be with another man, even in deep friendship.  Of course I miss the closeness Billy and I had, but it would be so unfair to try to have feelings of any kind toward any one else.  My friend, my age, just lost her second husband.  She has such mixed grief.  She grieves all over again for the first husband, her children's father, and she grieves for the man who had a heart attack on their honeymoon and she took care of, like a child sometimes, she grieves the loss of him, a double grief that I cannot imagine.

Answers?  No one will take the place of your love.  You cannot compare them.  You cannot resurrect him in another man.  You will have to accept another person, if you so choose, for the person that they are.  They cannot ever be your first love.  There may never be another.  My friend who passed in April, I felt such a loss with her gone.  We thought the same.  And, in thinking the same, I know she is with her love.  I have to lean on what religion I have left and believe: 1 Corinthians 13:12 King James Version (KJV) 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.  I know this is not the belief of some, but it is the verse I lean on, the one that gives me comfort.  Now, this is my comfort.

For you, you have to find your comfort somewhere.  I know in six years you have looked and cannot find it.  I saw that Cookie had been socializing some but cannot feel what she is looking for.  In reality, you will not find the love you felt for the one that is gone.  You are fighting it.  And, perhaps in fighting it, the wall stays up.  You are looking for you, and no one can see you, not even yourself until that wall comes down.  You do not have to be someone else.  All you have to be is you.  The you that was, the you that you are now, and the you that you will meet on that path you are walking on.  I went back in time and I found my mom.  In doing so, I had to let a lot of anger fly away.  I've never been on my own before, but now I have to fight off things that Billy fought for me.  "I am him, he is me" and I do not want any other choice but that.  I live life for myself, and him too.  I quit signing his name on cards that I gave the kids.  I live off his retirement and mine too, so I felt I should give his name to the card too.  It hurt the family when I did that.  The thing was, he always wanted his recognition, I still want to do that.

No help from me.  I'm sorry.  I hate to say this, but I'm glad I am old.  And, you do have to find yourself.  It might be one foot in front of the other, as you said.  I feel you have good intention "matchmakers" and you are fighting against it.  If there is time, if you make your own choice to live your own life, then possibly there might be someone you will meet.  Do not try to compare them, they won't compare.  But, in not comparing, you might find a friend.  Maybe there are more "Ana's" out  there in male form that feel completely lost, but they will not be pushed on you by "matchmakers."  Use your time wisely.  There are other people who hurt also, and maybe with your  experience you might help them, and you might find a friend that you were not looking for, one that was not looking for you.  Just two people in life circumstances that compare.  I wish you love my friend, a long life of love, but on your own terms.   

[Gwenivere]

Ana, I’m in my 6th year too and can absolutely relate to what you feel.  I’m not trying to go back because I know it can’t be done.  But I have not found that lessening of pain many talk about.  Or the breaks from it are fraught with different problems as well so it seems there is never one.  I read all those self help things and don’t give them a real chance.  That’s on me.  Being much older than you, I am guessing I fight more ailments which really is a challenge trying to maintain the basic core of the person I have always been.  I’m very displeased with myself for not being stronger.  My list of self focused disappointments is very long.  Especially helping myself.  I feel defeated on all fronts.  I have yet to find anything that brings relief.  Mine has been so bad for the last year.  I was on a forward grief path and fell off.   I know it was because life hit me with too much and those things have remained.   If some had resolved, I might be doing better.  That is the only thing I can truly put my finger on as reason I have returned to a deeper hell regarding Steve’s loss.

Marg's last 2 paragraphs above are filled with a wisdom that truly humbles me.  I’m not looking for another love as she is right, unless you can do that without comparing, you will never find it.  I don’t want one anyway.   I do want a connection of closeness with another human being that can make me feel valued as that is what is missing.  Marg may not (tell me if I’m wrong here, Marg) feel she herself matters much, but she does to people around her. Which gives her drive to be there for them.  So what do we do when we don’t have that and are now cut off from opportunities because of this isolation?  This is the stumbling block.  I can make therapy, doctor appointments and task lists, but they won’t give me that.  I had that from volunteering but that is gone.  I keep finding more voids.  I don’t create them, but now seem to be at a loss of how to coexist with them. Maybe even fill them a bit.  I wish I knew how to use my time wisely as Marg says.  I sure have a lot of it.  

One thing I do know it’s  up to each of us to care and value ourselves now.  I haven’t been able to do it yet, but I did once.  Not because Steve would have wanted it, or god or it was expected, but because that is how we live, not merely exist.  There is only so much I can blame on losing Steve or my health.  So my conundrum is where did I lose me?  I think that is where you are too.  I truly wish I knew some answers.  I will say I have gained true empathy and deeper caring for others around me.  Those are good things.  Gifts many do not have.  So it’s off to another day of loneliness in hopes something happens to make trying again tomorrow a small goal.

[kayc]

Marg, I love that verse, it comforts me to realize it's okay that I don't understand it all right now, someday I will.  I figure by the time I get to heaven and am reunited with George, this life with all it's struggles will be past and a moot point.  I will breathe a sigh of relief then.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I have not found that lessening of pain many talk about.

Much of that is your situation, you don't have family around, you have a multitude of health issues and other challenges and are facing them alone.  Everyone's situation is different, I know some whose kids come and help them continually...some of us don't have that.  Some like Gin are on their own figuring things out.  My son does what he can but with his family and being as far as he is, he's usually only here once a year so I'm left on my own also to figure things out or just try to survive.  I haven't had anyone checking on me during this pandemic or even considering what it might be like to be totally alone, isolated.  A couple of friends have called or I've called them, that's it.  And it's okay, most can conjecture all they want and still they wouldn't have a clue...they have their spouse.  We have to rely on ourselves and our friends, and most of us are not comfortable imposing but honestly, sometimes we have no choice...it's worsened by the fact we know they are busy with their own families.

 

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

it’s  up to each of us to care and value ourselves now.

Yes, yes yes!  Be our own best friends!  Positive self-talk.  Making positive choices for ourselves.  I have felt despair, I have wallowed, I have pitied myself, I have turned a blind eye and been in denial, I have tried to fill my emotional needs with food, none of that worked, now I am finally taking the reins I need to take control over my life.  All of that time could be considered a waste, but really it's not, it led me to where I am, and I guess I needed to go through that to hit desperation point enough to make changes.  But challenges still lie ahead, for all of us, we may not know when and what they'll be, only that they come esp. as we age.  Will deal with them as they come and not before...don't need to borrow trouble worrying about what if because that might not occur, maybe I'll die first  and all of this worry will be a moot point!