Tired Of Being Strong

[Gwenivere]

I’ll tell ya, Kay, as morbid as it sounds, I often think too maybe I’ll die before I have to face some things that I know are just too massive to contemplate.  I think that’s a pretty normal reaction when there is so much ahead that is overwhelming.  Staying in the moment is tough when the moments are hard too.  Just now Ally pooped in the house,she didn’t know it, and I had to drag out the shop vac because she stepped in some so it was paw prints to clean up.  Otherwise it would have been simple to pickup.  I guess, as my own friend, I pat my back and say well done.  So another day begins on a bad start.  My legs feel funny so I am hoping no numbnes incidents.  

I could turn off high alert mode in my gut.  I hate being so edgy.  Yet I could sleep when the alarm goes off.  

How do people fill a week?  I’m looking at this week with just 2 days of counseling not being able to do some of the tasks others are accomplishing as they aren’t in horrible pain.  Or at least more functional.  Maybe tougher.  It’s so unfair being so limited and tons of time when you were a go go go person.  But then, life isn’t very fair, is it?  I did too much today so I’ve got days now with nothing.  Then I focus too much on the grief and that is not good.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I could turn off high alert mode in my gut.

I get that each night when I go to bed Gwen.  I keep thinking of the prayer Mama taught me as a little girl, the one that made me afraid to go to sleep, "If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take"  I didn't want my  soul taken anywhere and was afraid to go to sleep.  That is about like the fear I have each night.  

We fill a week with sleep, reading, eating, TV, computer.  And, we never know what day it is.  I talk to  my sister and I worry.  I know she chain smokes because she does not want to go like Mama did.  I worry.  I worry about my kids and grandkids............I just worry a lot.  It takes up a lot of time.

[Gwenivere]

That’s where we differ, Marg.  To go in my sleep would be ideal.  I’ve seen too many conscious deaths and they are usually filled with chaos and fear.  Rarely peace. Steve was restless in some unknown world for days.   The day he left he was finally calm and appeared sleeping.  He deserved that for the hell he went through for years. I know the prayer but it wasn’t used in my childhood.  Just drift off in sleep and keep drifting.  Wow, we sure are talking about some dark stuff, but I think this isolation is getting to everyone. I d know the worry hits me going to sleep too often.  It’s a worry if I can handle another day.  Most days I’m disappointed I woke up.  Quite the opposite of my dogs that are estastic.  It means breakfast for them.  If only that could rev me up in such delight!  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Staying in the moment is tough when the moments are hard too.

That is true but if tackling that moment is tough enough, it'd be harder yet to add to it every conceivable thing that could happen down the road.  It takes all that is within us to just do this moment, right now.  We don't have enough to handle the whole rest of our lives, just now is enough.  I guess that's the point I'm making, not that our given moment is bliss, I know it's not.  There's some days I dread and am breathing a sigh of relief when they're over.  It was easier before I hit old age.  Nothing prepares you for this.  I naively thought that old age would be like our younger years only minus the working, ha!

Worry is a form of anxiety, I know it well, esp. in the middle of the night.  Often it's not even worry so much as not being able to turn my brain off.  I wish I had an off switch.  I go to sleep easily enough (with the help of Trazodone) but it's when I wake up in the middle of the night my brain sometimes goes Boing!  And can't get back to sleep.  Then I take a Benedryl and usually that works, but lately I rarely have to take it.  I think Kodie wears me out so I am sleeping better now.

 

[Margm]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 To go in my sleep would be ideal.

Gwen, I agree, it would be ideal, but in my case my granddaughter would find me.  I never want that trauma to be on her.  We don't have a choice, and I will go however I go.  We all have went through traumatic times, but I don't want to be there when it happens.  Don't think I will be.  

[Gwenivere]

I meant to put that in my post.  I know you had your granddaughter to consider.  Not that we get to choose.  

[Margm]

I wish we could save all of us from any more trauma.  Some of us, all of us, we have seen too much.  I wish this upside down world would right itself and the hate would disappear, and I sure hope that asteroid they said was as big as the Empire State Building, I hope it zooms past us.  I wish we could take all the pain away, mental and physical, fear, worry, and we could see blue skies and the sun shining..  Sometimes I just want too much.

[Gwenivere]

I think we all want, Marg.  Not necessarily too much.  We want to live as we did because it was so much better than this.  I had noticed my cognitive skills really changing and thought it was just me and my crazy brain.  Found these articles about what this crazy time is doing to so many people mentally.  Worth a read if you feel yourself slipping and alone.

www.huffpost.com/entry/brain-fog-coronavirus-pandemic_l_5edf8559c5b652103f399b1b  

 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/anxiety-lockdown-ending-how-to-cope_l_5edfcba7c5b6be7010391df8  

 

[KarenK]

Just read a local article about how this covid isolation is especially hard on seniors who are at greater risk. Little do they know of those of us who have felt isolated from life for years. It seems the number of covid cases is rising again in my area.

My dentist office asked if I would change my appt. as he had a couple of emergencies worse than mine. I did of course and asked his assistant(his daughter) if I could buy a mask from them. She told me to have my son run by and get some. I only need one to wear when I get my hair cut(rule at Great Clips). All the stores have are boxes of multiples. Used to be able to call and find out when my person was working, but can't do that anymore. I plan to go on Friday while my son grocery shops. Will be interesting. Hope I end up with somebody decent if she's not working.

Not complaining, just yammering. Other than money, my problems are small. I noticed in another post that you mentioned cortisone shots. Are they a temporary solution to your back pain? Please know I'm sending a ton of good vibes your way.

[kayc]

Some places they're handing out free masks, here our government leaves us on our own trying to find one, not easy.  My sewing machine is not working and they can't get parts, dropped it off in the valley eight days ago, still waiting for the verdict.  I hope they can make it sew right again.  The foot pedal isn't right, that can't be fixed they said.  Will make do with that, but I do need it to sew without skipping or mangling.  Couldn't even make a mask, after all my years of making my own drapes, sewing clothes, darning, etc.  

Much as I despise cortisone, I will consider it for my hand if it does not improve.  Talked to George, he told me it's a possibility it could be repairing nerve damage, it gets worse before it gets better...I don't know though, the inside of the wrist is swollen like carpal tunnel.  Will give it a bit more time before seeing the doctor about it but I dread going down that route as it's lengthy and they're not known to do anything to help like years ago.  I can't imagine any amount of physical therapy could help this.  Not 100% sure if it's carpal tunnel, arthritis, or neuropathy.  But it's debilitating and painful and it's 24/7 pretty much anymore.

Karen, I hope it's not long until you can get your teeth worked on.  And I wish you luck with the haircut...I couldn't reach my stylist and was desperate so took a chance at Perfect Look and she did a great job, I lucked out.  I've had more bad luck than not there so truly struck it lucky.

[Gwenivere]

I’m scheduled for a cortisone shot in my back next week. Probably am going to cancel.  Can’t handle steroids.  Plus in my spine feels risky and I read the common side effects for data til you find out if it even works.  Steroids also deplete bone mass and that Is dangerous at our ages.  I’ve had them in my hands and they did help.  But that’s a small area.  They won’t fix the problem tho, unless it’s just inflammation.  A firm diagnosis is what you need, Kay.  I sure hope you wouldn’t need surgery.  It’s so frustrating feeling younger in our heads than bodies.  I’m not asking perfection, but I know I got more than my share for my age.  2 of mine are usually mid to late 70’s, not 64.  

[scba]

On Monday, I turn 6. It's his death anniversary. To some extent, it's a date of mine too.

It represents many things. For instance, the day I woke up to a new world. Where the silence of the night isn't interrupted by a lock on the door. Where Sundays are routine. Where years go by and I don't remember what exactly I've achieved or done. When a year seemes to be pretty much the same as the last one. My therapist asks me: what did you do in 2017? I reply: I went to NCY. I remember nothing else. Nothing else speaks up in 350 days. The same for 2018. 2019. I guess 2020 will have its own chapter for the reason we well know.

This year I'm living alone for the first time. I'm capable. I manage well. This is what can be seen onstage. Behind courtains, what I feel is that I've finally graduated as a widow. I've full knowledge of what it means. I still don't understand why me. We both deserved so much better.

I write this as it is: his death destroyed my life. I can confess it only here. 

However, I'm alive, I've survived, I can swim this ocean. I have no dreams, just expectations. People don't know you bury dreams too. 

I keep going. To my view, to nowhere. There's a verse on the Bible about the time when the Light is gone, you live in the shadows and you don't know where you are walking to. It's true. But I expect for positive things for myself: to be healthy, to keep my job, to travel. To stay serene. 

For the last couple of years I've spent the D day with my favorite fake activity: I keep myself busy. Very busy. My parents check on me, my in laws too. To them, I'm still that very young woman lying on the floor with no light in her eyes. Just tears.

Sometimes I see her, the younger me, hanging out like a ghost. When I'm tidying up my place, I see her doing the same, keeping the apt clean while he was in hospital. Keeping a normal life and looking forward. For when he is back from recovery. I feel she lives in a parallel universe now, where things are different. Where she hasn't been touched by tragedy. Forever young.

As the song sings, my love is my scream and my silence, the sky and the earth, the bird that sings in my window. He is everywhere and nowhere. 

I like the sun, I like spring and summer. I hate feeling cold, I dislike sweaters. I like to stay in the sun. But one thing is the Sun, another thing is the Light. My Light is gone. I will see it again when my life is over. That's my last hope.

I've survived and I'm still alive. I thank you all for being with me since the first post in this thread. 

(What a word salad)

Peace and stay safe.

Ana

[Margm]

Ana.............

[KarenK]

Ana, your post breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. You are so young and yet you have lived a lifetime.

We all understand and we love you.

[Gwenivere]

Ana, what an intense sharing of your journey.  I had never thought of it, but we did start another life when we lost our partners so we started over.  I'll be 6 in about a month too.  It makes sense how so much has to be relearned.  I’m still a child in this.  There’s something reassuring about that compared to feeling like I am just going crazy not being more together.  We’re just small kids taking on an adult world.  Yeah, we have common sense skills, but we had someone that we grew into with for so long.  Didn’t 2nd guess ourselves, up for a challenge/adventure and confident.  It was a power of two.  Yes, we carry on but don’t have a big significance for each passing year.  The light is gone.  Thank you for putting into words something I couldn’t.  💖

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I've survived and I'm still alive. I thank you all for being with me since the first post in this thread. 

(What a word salad)

 

Ana:  No, not just a word salad; but feelings beautifully stated.  Thank you.  Dee

[Kieron]

Ana, you've vividly articulated something I never thought of.  At first I thought you had made a 'typo" and intended to write another number, but then I saw what you meant.  Another kind of age, another way of chronicling Time, not much different than adding up all the days that have piled up since that singular day which you call D day.  I doubt I'll think of it the same way again, from here on out.

 

10 hours ago, scba said:

People don't know you bury dreams too. 

Yes, we certainly do, and grieve them in our own quiet ways.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, scba said:

I still don't understand why me.

No, we don't ever get that, I quit asking why, no resounding answer.  It is what it is.  Life doesn't make sense and "fair" doesn't exist.

Then Jesus said to them, “A little while longer the light is with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going. John 12:35

I never thought of graduating widowhood.  It is a lifelong process I'm still in...

[scba]

On 8/2/2015 at 12:37 AM, scba said:

I need to write down the following: I'm tired of being strong, of wearing a "brave face". I wish I could cry my heart out, but after 9 months of grief it seems I'm blocked with my emotions. Grief is so demanding and confusing...

thanks for reading

This was my first post here. 2015. Seems a lifetime ago. I don't go back to read my posts. 

Grief has been demanding to say the least. Looking back I could lable it "hell" but not Bible like hell. Am I still grieving? I don't know. I cannot tell for sure. What I feel actually is that I'm dealing with the consequences of having grieved for so many years. How many? I would say 7 or 8. It is the amount of years that adolescence lasts, for instance. 

I can list some of the lasting consequences:

I have faith in nothing in the sense that I don't expect anything to last or to fill me completely. I feel everything is temporal, the place I live, the job I have, the objects that surround me.

I fear future. I fear that God will summon again and punish me with that kind of pain.

I expect little from people and I don't put much effort in becoming closer or attached. I got used to being alone and feel alone. I grew up a quiet life full of small cozy things and my personal interests which are many. But it is a tiny world. I have not made new friends that didn't know me from "before". I have met very nice acquaintances though.

I feel my eyes are changed and something has been erased or lost in them.

I still cannot talk to new people about being a young widow. They think I am single or a spinster and I let them to think that. Because I don't talk or ask about other people's couple/dating life I don't comment on mine. It is like my secret from the past, a conversation with myself like a heroine from a Bronte book.

People tell me that I'm kind and cultured. Good listenet and noble I have strong health too. 

My boyfriend's grandpa told me: do not waste your youth. It is too late for that. 

Just wanted to say Hi here and tell that I still read.

Please take care

Ana

[Margm]

On 6/27/2023 at 7:44 PM, scba said:

I fear future. I fear that God will summon again and punish me with that kind of pain.

Dear Ana:  I know you are much younger than I am.  That one sentence struck such a cord with me though.  I am going to talk religion, but not the kind where I am trying to convert, because it is scrambled in my brain.  Many years ago I did something that was so not like me.Finally, after many years, it let me go.  

I am so much older than you but no matter our age, we suffer loss and we hurt.  How long do we hurt?  I guess we hurt as long as we live, sometimes it is easier, sometimes it is worse.  

I wrote my first note to this group on probably October 20, 2015, three days after Billy left and I turned my back on him when he reached for me.  I was not going to let him leave.  I gave up my God button that day.  He left anyhow.  I was not in control of anything.  I had beat my brains out trying to keep my grown up and teen children safe.  I thought we were indestructible.  I was going to keep us all safe.  I just found out I was only human like everyone else.  I carry my "little" sister, who is almost 10 years younger than I am, to her doctor appointments.  I had my car wreck (going to pick her up from ER) when the lady ran the stop sign with only two of us (cars) anywhere around.  I'm really afraid to drive, but I'm doing it.  

So, your first post to this forum was a couple of months before mine.  I didn't give you any answers, I'm sorry.  I can tell you I have quit asking any questions though.  In the meantime, I cling to my mustard seed type of religion and have to say, I have to believe this way.  Not for everyone, but this faith is mine.  We just have to prod on, because we can't do anything else.  I always enjoy your notes.  This is just another nonsensical one of mine.  

[kayc]

Ana, I get it. On the anv. of George's death, no one called, no one remembered.  I looked around my church, only two people are still there that knew him, the rest are all gone, dead or moved on.  My kids don't call on that day either.  I'm alone.  And I'm okay with that too.  But it'd be nice if someone cared, I turned 70 last year, I feel it.

This is my first post, on someone else's thread:

 

[Widow2015]

Ana:  Like Marg, you and I aren't in the same generation, but the sadness and pain of losing that special person still aches no matter the length of time we shared a life together.  I was blessed with almost 51 years of  married life with the perfect husband for me.  Your being a young widow has got to be agonizing even though he left you years ago.  My life changed in 2015 and I still find myself crying as if it was yesterday.  

You asked if you are still grieving.  I would answer yes, you are still grieving and by doing so shows how much you loved your soulmate.  I know I will grieve until my last breath.  

So good to hear from you.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

I had no services for Billy, there will be none for me.  My friends, many of them, are not even publishing news of their loved ones deaths.  I don't want people to write me and remind me of the date he passed.  It is tattooed on my brain and I have heard too many well wishers try to help.  There is no help.  They can say "I'm sorry" and that is all I can do for their loved ones.  My very religious uncle and aunt are at odds at age 89 of this.  My uncle wants the big funeral.  My aunt wants just cremation and quiet.  It's like my grandma said "Don't come put superficial silk flowers on my grave."  So, we don't.  My mother-in-law saved a beautiful negligee to be buried in.  It was very tasteful.  A friend, beautician was to do her hair.  Then they buried her at the feet of her husband's grave, not beside it.  We all knew she was going to come back to life and fight someone.  Terrible laughing at a loved one's funeral.  She didn't like her husband. They did have to come back and dig another hole beside her husband and place her there.  We weren't there for that fiasco.  

 

 

 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Margm said:

Then they buried her at the feet of her husband's grave, not beside it.
Terrible laughing at a loved one's funeral.  She didn't like her husband.
They did have to come back and dig another hole beside her husband and place her there.

Unreal! I've never heard of such a thing! I'm surprised any self-respecting mortician would do this!

[Roxi]

On 6/28/2023 at 2:44 AM, scba said:

a conversation with myself like a heroine from a Bronte book.

Ana i understand and sometimes i feel as you...like Jane Eyre, strong and tough in the face of adversity!

But at the same time i'm dreaming that maybe another miracle can happen and i will meet someone again and my life will change for the better!

Maybe it's only a dream, but it's nice to dream...!

You are young...you deserve a better life !

Don't stop hoping...🥰