Tired Of Being Strong

[Cookie]

Brad:  I also struggle with what to do now that my husband is gone.  I lost my job as a medical transcriptionist while he was sick, which worked, so I could take care of him. Then, when I got another job later, I couldn't do it because of the associations with John.  So, now I'm trying to figure out what direction to go in.  It would be nice to have had a job to return to that was familiar with supportive people in the aftermath.  I am working part-time at a daycare, and even though it really like kids, I don't think it's what I want to do long-term.  It is so hard to have to make yourself over in every category after such a big loss.  

[hollowheart]

24 minutes ago, Cookie said:

 Still feeling so fragile and unsure and in pain at 7 1/2 months from my loss.  It feels like I will never know happiness again.  I can certainly go through the motions and do what I have to do, but what kind of life is that?  I will keep doing it, but I'm very unhappy.

Cookie, I agree with  a couple of your posts, but couldn't get it to double quote for some reason. Anyway, I also feel like I am going through the motions at times and you are right, "what kind of life is that?" I feel like I enjoy the little cups of happiness I can find, but most of the time it's not enough. I feel like I have no energy for anything more than grasping those little cups of happiness. I go to work and go home.

I used to do things on the weekend and Friday night with my sis. It wasn't some Party World lifestyle, but I felt like I had a life. Now I live in my bedroom hoping for distractions.

You mentioned losing your transcriptionist job and now working at a daycare  and trying to reinvent yourself after a loss. That hit me because I felt like I was on my way to change BEFORE all this, and then I was just blown back like an explosion hit me. I was on track with trying to get out of reception (God willing!!!) and on track with my diet. I was enjoying buying healthy foods, making a point to watch my sodium, etc. I hadn't eaten fast food in almost a year.

After my loss I just gave up on everything. I went back to fast food, I probably gained back all the weight I lost. Shopping isn't what it used to be because we would shop together and we were both eating healthier. I feel like 'what is the point now?' ugh.
 

[kayc]

Maryann, Having an anniversary on Valentine's Day seems like a double whammy...either one would be hard enough on its own, but to have to deal with both at once, wow.  You will be on my heart as that day approaches.  I hope you can find a way to express your love to him, even though he's not here in the usual way, perhaps talking to him, writing to him, lighting a candle, releasing a balloon, fixing his favorite meal, going to a place both of you shared and enjoyed, or nothing at all, it's up to you how you best feel in handling the day.  (((hugs)))

[Margm]

@HH:  The eating is so secondary to me, yet I know I have to keep strength up. I am on a low residue diet, lifelong, because of a colon rupture.  I can have white flour,  sugar, all kinds of things unhealthy.  i cannot have raw or most cooked vegetables.  I have discovered V8 Juice, the fruit juice with Truvia in it.  I drink it all the time.  I drink my Boosts and my Ensures and sometimes I eat chicken.  I can have string beans, but no other kind.  I can have potatoes fixed just about any way.  Somehow or other though, as I said, eating is just something I have to do.  When I get this house gone, I will only buy Lean Cuisine, stuff like that.  It will not hurt me to lose weight, as I have lost about 25 pounds in these last three months.  I will eventually have to eat more or figure out some way to pin up this excess skin.  I think there are supplements that might help too.  I take an older woman's vitamin each day.  But still, this morning, those 25 pounds of birdseed felt like 300.  I did trip at my bedside and landed hard on my knee and could not help my face hitting the carpet too.  I was sore, but I made the mistake of telling my sister in Louisiana.  That night I went to sleep with ear buds in my ears listening to relaxing  music.  It must have worked (along with the Xanax) because between `1:30 a.m. and 2:00 a.m. three police cars were out front along with an ambulance.  My sister could not get me on the phone (I could not hear it) and I could not hear them pounding on the door.  Lights were flashed in my eyes to see if I was okay, and I explained to them what had happened and even the Xanax, it is legal.  I am sure the neighbors thought they had busted up a meth manufacturer.  I won't sleep with ear buds again.  I had told my sister I was okay and was going to sleep.  It is hell to be old sometimes.

[Froggie4635]

Marg...

My mother-in-law calls me every day she does not see me.  I do not have a land line, only a cell phone.  I don't carry it around with me all over...it is a phone (no I-Phone or Smart phone).  There are times I just don't want to be checked on, and I have looked at my phone and seen 4 missed calls.  Once she had someone text me because I did not answer, and she was going to have someone come over and break in to see if I was okay.  I have never given her reason to be concerned.  I haven't figured out a nice way to tell her that she doesn't need to check on me all the time.  I then get irritated when I finally see the calls and call her, she sounds put off because I didn't call her right away.  Sometimes I just want to be alone.  I have never really been much of a social person.  Before I met Mark, it was basically just me and my dog.  I would see a friend from time to time; do something social, like get coffee.  Sometimes it is too sad to be around his family so much...because it just points out his absence.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

 going to a place both of you shared and enjoyed, or nothing at all, it's up to you how you best feel in handling the day. 

I agree,  Maryann.  Had lots of ideas of things to do on special days.  I light a candke for Steve every night.  Fur me, it was easier not to do anything on anniversaries.  It's too soon for me to take on more emotional reminders of things I lost.  Your heart will tell you what to do and whatever it is will be the right thing.

[Margm]

Cookie, this is the scenario from yesterday, driving the 40 miles from the "big city."  I yelled at God (I did not curse), I fussed at him and I asked Jesus to please let Billy just show me some sign.  I yelled, I did not scream (headache) and I cried at least 25 of those miles.  Sometimes I come unglued.  Well, yesterday was one of those days.  I might have a few days I slide through but then some road block happens and I just am certifiable.  Then the next day I am okay.  Well, as okay as I can be right now.  

[Gwenivere]

Count me in on that, Marg.  Today I feel certifiable too.  Just want to throw in the towel and say to whatever....you win.  

[Cookie]

Hollowheart:  I know; you feel like you're underwater most of the time and do wonder what is the point of all the things I used to do.  It was so different; my mindset was so different.  I guess it's finding a new mindset somehow.  I keep trying everything, but nothing has worked well so far, except that I am doing things. 

[Cookie]

Marg:  I was just asking John for some sign today.  Where are those darn signs everyone keeps talking about!  It can actually hurt and make you mad at the person......

[kayc]

Good thing none of you are driving through Burns, Oregon (where the occupiers are...Bundy, etc.).  It'd be hard to explain at a checkpoint!

[Guest]

Cookie

Deedo left a letter in which, among other things, she told me to look for signs. I have tried but to no avail. I don't think she realized how dense or literal I am. 

[Guest Janka]

3 minutes ago, Brad said:

Cookie

Deedo left a letter in which, among other things, she told me to look for signs. I have tried but to no avail. I don't think she realized how dense or literal I am. 

You´re great,Brad and I´m sure of getting a sign for you,too!

Janka

[hollowheart]

17 hours ago, Cookie said:

Hollowheart:  I know; you feel like you're underwater most of the time and do wonder what is the point of all the things I used to do.  It was so different; my mindset was so different.  I guess it's finding a new mindset somehow.  I keep trying everything, but nothing has worked well so far, except that I am doing things. 

That's exactly it. I'm "doing things" perfect description. I talked to a friend yesterday who got in touch. She's in nursing school now and told me she's just so swamped with school, work and life. We were supposed to meet for an early dinner I don't know how long ago. The moment just reminded me of how my friends are just having their lives and don't have time, and how me and my sister were on the same page and would do stuff together. There was no trying to schedule time with each other for 8 months.

Everything goes back to my sister and I'm constantly reminded how much I lost and that includes her. At this point, I just feel like I'm done with people.

[Cookie]

hollowheart:  That is the most painful of all, having had that special person who was there with you and for you and now they are gone.  Although I have friends, none of them come close to that feeling.  It leaves me feeling so adrift.  I guess it's like withdrawal from a drug.  You had this powerful interconnection with another person, it's rare and hard to live without.  Do we dare to hope that there is another experience waiting for us, not exactly the same, but also close down the road?......

[Cookie]

Brad:  I hope this doesn't make you feel bad, but what a special person your wife was.  She left you a letter...that is amazing and so loving towards you.  I wish I had something like that to hold onto.  My husband was a very practical person, and in his last months (we only found out he was terminal 2 months before he died), he tried very hard to make everything right for me at our house, even though he was feeling so bad.  I guess that's my letter.  He was racing against the clock to put everything in order.  I have that memory.....that shouldn't hurt to remember, but it does because I think who would ever care that much for me again in my life and now it's gone.......

[hollowheart]

Oh Cookie, I know that was so hard for him and for you. He was a wonderful husband to do that. Not thinking of himself in his last months but instead thinking of you. Everything you always say rings true for me too. You are so right about that rare interconnection we had and now it's gone.

I wanted to cry when you mentioned the only person who would care that much for you is now gone. It reminds me of how my sister always remembered me at Christmas, my birthday, she would shop and always keep me in mind when she came across something and either buy it for me or text me a picture that she thought of me.

She sent me movie trailers, she even gave me Valentine cards and gifts. I couldn't even get a man I was seeing to do that!  I just think 'no will be that thoughtful and think of me like that again.' I  miss that so much. I miss her.

[Guest]

Cookie, 

It does not make me feel bad. Deedo was amazing. She left behind letters for myself and our three kids. Additionally she sorted through all the things she saved from their childhoods and organized them into tubs for them to take. She also organized her Book of Secrets; a collection of her quirky and crazy perceptions of her world (a truly fascinating if not strange place). 

I know what you mean by who will ever care that much for us again.....

[iPraiseHim]

On 2/3/2016 at 3:07 PM, Froggie4635 said:

Marg...

My mother-in-law calls me every day she does not see me.  I do not have a land line, only a cell phone.  I don't carry it around with me all over...it is a phone (no I-Phone or Smart phone).  There are times I just don't want to be checked on, and I have looked at my phone and seen 4 missed calls.   I haven't figured out a nice way to tell her that she doesn't need to check on me all the time.  I then get irritated when I finally see the calls and call her, she sounds put off because I didn't call her right away.  Sometimes I just want to be alone.  

Interesting! I have been feeling this way about my sister calling me every single day since my wife passed away.  Initially. it was nice to know somebody cares but after six months it began to bother me.  I love my sister and we have reconnected, but now the conversations can last 30 minutes to an hour or more. She talks incessantly and really talks non-stop.  In addition she will interrupt our conversation by talking to her husband or put me on hold to talk to someone else and it happens several times in a call.  Then her discussions about work issues, husbands etc.. really get me down.  When I told her I didn't want to hear about her problems at work because I empathize and want to fix them.  She was personally hurt and unusually quiet.... for about a day. Then she would " OH, you don't want me to talk about work, or about one of her friends."

Two weeks ago, I mentioned that I wanted to change this nightly ritual and she got miffed if I didn't call her and "check in"  I told her I want to scale it back to a couple of times a week.  She was shocked and hurt but then proceeded to call the next day and ended the conversation by saying, " I'll talk to you tomorrow" .  Today I reminded her that I plan to call her only once a week.  She was shocked and ended the conversation by saying," I'll talk to you whenever. "

I feel a sense of relief and release from the  invisible bondage of a well meaning sister. She has eye surgery on Tuesday, So she knows I'll call.  Also, I text her a scripture verse every morning and tell her she is loved to encourage her"  I want to move forward in my life.  I don't want to hurt her feelings yet I need to respect my own and my mental well being.  There is a great book, "Boundaries, By Dr. McCloud:" that I found very helpful. Shalom

[kayc]

George,

I have that book, it is so important for us to establish our boundaries with people.  We can't wait for them to "get it", it's up to us to set the boundaries, I learned that with my mentally ill mom.  She could pout, scream, cut me off for a year, talk bad about me to everyone, whatever, I wouldn't let it phase me, I had to set my boundaries and part of that was letting her know by my responses that I wouldn't fall prey to her tantrums or whatever, but I would remain firm in my stance.  I always showed her I loved her (like your daily text to your sister) but I wouldn't let her decide what I would/wouldn't do, that was something within my jurisdiction.  Another really good book was "Emotional Blackmail".

Good for you!

[Margm]

Okay, I got angry, 3 police cars and an ambulance and a woman policewoman shining lights in my eyes to see if I was okay.  Okay, it was a comical fall.  It was funny to me.  It was not funny to my family.  Here I am alone up here.  I was listening to that relaxation music.  I guess it did the job.  They were fixing to knock my door down.  But, that is the down side.  The up side is my family in another state were worried sick about me..  It made me angry.  But, how can I get angry because my family loves me and worries about me.  I cannot.  I am in the wrong.  I will never tell them I have fallen again unless I am calling from a hospital.  Because of family moving in, I am headed back to Louisiana.  Marital discord and I cannot handle it.  Dammit, if you have a husband then keep him.  A lot is lost when they are gone for good with no coming back.  But, Billy and I had some terrible times, but we hung together thank goodness.  It would have been easy to leave for both of us a lot of times, but love willed out.  Lots of time we did not like each other, but we never quit loving each other.  I try to tell them this.

[kayc]

Margaret, I'm glad you're okay and I'm glad you can see the humor in it, but I'm sure your family was quite worried!  I can't recommend that every husband & wife stay together, sometimes they should not, but I understand your point.  People should get over the small stuff!

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, Cookie said:

 I guess it's like withdrawal from a drug.  

You said it perfectly, Janice.  And what a fine drug it was.

[Margm]

@Kay.  Definitely a lot of marriages should not last. I don't think this one should.  But, they are dislocated from the west coast, their home forever, moving to the east coast, probably not together.  They know no one else around to help them.  There is an up side to all this and a very low downside.  My downside is that another family's things are being moved into this house.  They have no where to go, I cannot kick them out.  I was afraid of being alone.  Let me tell you now, being alone because you want to be and being alone because you have to be are two different things.  I am so lucky that I have a lot of family.  But, sometimes when family moves in unasked, they bring their problems into a house that I am trying to get rid of.  Cannot kick them out, will not kick them out, but I will have to leave again.  This has to last till April, then maybe I can get on with my life.  Billy's illness lasted five weeks, after diagnosis.  Time to  us older people is important.  There is a difference in bringing in "help" and bringing in people that need "help."  I know I should be strong and say find your own help.  Right now, after only three months I am too vulnerable to do anything but run.  So, as long as I can run, I will. And, we have people on here who have no one.  I think I might be lucky because I have a lot of relatives.  Probably missing something here, like maybe a backbone.

[kayc]

I found myself in a similar situation after George died.  My daughter was "in between jobs/places" when George died, so she stayed with me, which was fine, I didn't want to be alone anyway.  But then, unbeknownst to me, she told her ex-boyfriend he could come stay with us, without discussing with me prior.  By the time I found out, he was on his way here and it was November and snowing, I couldn't just tell him no when he got here, broke.  Who could be that heartless?  But it was a disaster!  He had serious problems, wouldn't help out (like taking garbage out, stacking firewood, nothing big) and caused lots of problems.  He had a drinking problem and when he drank, he was a different person...not good!  It wasn't until April that I got rid of him.  NOT what I needed when I was most vulnerable!  Not only the extra expense when I was already strapped for money, but mostly the stress of dealing with someone with problems.  Looking back, I realize I should have made him leave much sooner.  BTW, postscript, my daughter hasn't spoken to him in the ten years since, to this day she won't have a FB page or set up voicemail on her phone because she's afraid of him harassing her.  And when I googled him to find out his FB name so I could block him, I discovered he'd been arrested for arson last summer!  Not saying you'll have these kinds of problems, but ANY extra problems thrown on us at this time is NOT needed!  And my daughter left here shortly after he arrived, likely to escape him, and stuck me with the problem.