Tired Of Being Strong

[Cookie]

I was just reading the post above by kayc and her problems with daughter and boyfriend.  It is a tightrope walk with family when you are grieving.  My daughter, who was living in NYC, came home 3 weeks before her father died and ended up staying here too.  Now, she is wonderful in many ways, but she has been struggling with her grief over her dad, losing her lifestyle (I live in the mountains), not being able to find a job here and lack of friends that she left behind.  It has made for some tension filled times, and sometimes it has taken me so low.  I don't feel like the strong mom I used to be before her dad died and am needy myself right now.  I want to be there for her and I am somewhat, but not like I used to be.  We have  been able to talk it out somewhat.  She is seeing a therapist now and trying to work out her feelings and not dump on me.  She had said something like, "you used to be so strong."  That really got me.  I don't want to be this weakened, vulnerable, scared person that I am now and hope to move through this.  It's also a double edged sword because I want her here in some ways because I don't want to be alone, as I live very rural in the mountains.  Anyway, family issues can make this hard time harder.  I think we are going to work through this eventually and hopefully I will be stronger down the line..

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Cookie said:

 I don't want to be this weakened, vulnerable, scared person that I am now and hope to move through this.  

I don't have any children or family that have pressured me about strength.  But I have had 'friends' say hurtful things unintentionally because of the strength I showed during Steves illness.  Now that that is over, they don't get that being alone creates a terrible vulnerability and feelings of fear and weakness.  There was motivation for the strength when being a part of a team.  Now I am alone and feeling pretty beat up by what life throws at me that he never had to face because I was there.  You talked about how we now get ill more.  That is certainly the case for me.  But I have no support like I gave him.  Sometimes I get angry because I need some of that now.  Actually, I feel that a lot.  Grief drains so much out of you, if there is ever a time we need some much needed attention for ourselves, it is now.  

[kayc]

My kids were really supportive and very accepting of where I was at, the only real problem presented with her XB staying with me.  I think if she could have foreseen what would happen, she never would have extended the invitation to him.  In their early 20s they really don't have the same judgment they develop later on.

[Gwenivere]

 When I was studying psychology in college, one thing I learned is that we don't even develop impulse control til about 25.  Certainly explains some of wild and crazy things I did.  As for judging character in guys, nope, not good at that.  I'm sorry, Kay, you and your daughter got saddled with a troublesome one.  Mine were just typical bad boys I picked for looks only and I funny share living space with them.  Sounds like I made some sound decisions in that youth 'I know everything' phase.

[hollowheart]

On 2/5/2016 at 5:38 PM, Gwenivere said:

 There was motivation for the strength when being a part of a team.

Also, you were motivated because he was still here and you wanted to be strong for him and get him better, and he was here as your motivation and purpose. Now that's he's gone it's easy to just fall apart.

We may not all realize it, but I think people just talk about strength because it sounds good to say you can do it and sing "I will survive!' and all that. No one is encouraged to wallow in despair, but it's forgotten that a lot of that strength is also taken from something (or someone) and if that is what is missing where do you draw from?

My sister gave me strength because she not only stood up for me but she helped me be able to stand up for myself. You can definitely feel that absence. It's like going into battle without your trusty sword.

[scba]

from Judah Levi:

"It is a Fearful Thing. It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch. A fearful thing to love, to hope, to dream, to be –
to be, and oh, to lose. A thing for fools, this, And a holy thing, a holy thing to love.
For your life has lived in me, your laugh once lifted me, your word was gift to me.
To remember this brings painful joy.
It is a human thing, love, a holy thing, to love what death has touched".

[scba]

How do you find purpose for choices, sacrifices, adjustments, when the reason is gone? How do you make decissions if the opinion you listened the most is gone? How do you find that voice in your heart? Is it really there? I listened to my heart before and when I was with him, but now it feels so differently. Because my heart is broken. Questions from this morning.....

[brat#2]

All really good questions and ones I have asked myself repeatedly.  I wish I could give you answers, but I'm looking for them too.  I guess that is why "they" say don't make any major decisions or changes for a couple of years if you don't have too.  But even the smallest of decisions, like what is for dinner, without your partner, is difficult.  When your heart is broken nothing makes sense.

[enna]

Dear scba and those who are wondering,

You ask ~

“How do you find purpose for choices, sacrifices, adjustments, when the reason is gone? How do you make decissions if the opinion you listened the most is gone? How do you find that voice in your heart? Is it really there? I listened to my heart before and when I was with him, but now it feels so differently. Because my heart is broken. Questions from this morning.....”

I would like to think that these are reflections rather than questions that you are looking for answers to. In my opinion, finding my purpose in life is about me rather than someone else. Finding my purpose is really listening to what my heart is saying about how I am going to go on when all I want to do is not go on. The choice is mine and it is up to me to find all the reasons I can to do so. I do not believe that the “voice” in my heart is gone ~ only quiet for a while so I am able to catch my breath after such a devastating loss. Those of us who come here have lost one of the most important people in our lives. As with any loss, spousal loss cannot ever be compared to another loss. We protect ourselves by putting up a shield all around us and think that this is how it will be from now on. It isn’t, for we have the capacity to look at a bigger picture. It is taking me time to begin to look at the needs of other people. As we do when we come here, we open our hearts to listen to the pain of others. We begin to see the needs of other people and do some little thing to help them ~ visiting someone who is alone, bringing a dessert to someone and chatting over coffee or tea, offering to take someone to the doctor, reading to children, taking someone’s dog for a walk, offering to carpool with someone who is having a hard time financially…and so very many other things. We really don’t need too much to motivate us ~ we just need to look at the broader picture. It will come in time when we are in a better place and not so uncomfortable and fearful about our present situation. If all we can do is sit with our own pain then that is what we need to do. Acknowledging our pain is part of our healing. Telling our stories is what helps us to take the next step of being able to go outside of ourselves to focus on what we will do next.

We remember that each morning is a new day and we get to begin again. We go at our own pace ~ some days we don’t move ~ it’s a step-by-step journey. No broad jumping allowed for if we do we might miss something important. Hugs to all of us. 

Anne

 

 

[brat#2]

Anne

Thank you for your kind words and understanding.

[MartyT]

Brilliant, Anne. Your wisdom is showing. Thank you.  ♥

[Guest]

1 hour ago, enna said:

In my opinion, finding my purpose in life is about me rather than someone else. Finding my purpose is really listening to what my heart is saying about how I am going to go on when all I want to do is not go on. The choice is mine and it is up to me to find all the reasons I can to do so. I do not believe that the “voice” in my heart is gone ~ only quiet for a while so I am able to catch my breath after such a devastating loss. Those of us who come here have lost one of the most important people in our lives. As with any loss, spousal loss cannot ever be compared to another loss. We protect ourselves by putting up a shield all around us and think that this is how it will be from now on. It isn’t, for we have the capacity to look at a bigger picture.

We really don’t need too much to motivate us ~ we just need to look at the broader picture. It will come in time when we are in a better place and not so uncomfortable and fearful about our present situation. If all we can do is sit with our own pain then that is what we need to do. Acknowledging our pain is part of our healing. Telling our stories is what helps us to take the next step of being able to go outside of ourselves to focus on what we will do next.

We remember that each morning is a new day and we get to begin again. We go at our own pace ~ some days we don’t move ~ it’s a step-by-step journey. No broad jumping allowed for if we do we might miss something important. Hugs to all of us. 

 

Anne - this summarizes the changes I am trying to make in my life.  I realize that I do have choices here.  I miss Deedo with every fiber of my being, BUT to allow that to control my life is not what she wants for me and it is not what I want for myself.  Texting my daughter today I realized that tomorrow will be her FIRST birthday without her most favorite person in the world.  We spent time talking about the pain.  But now I am making the choice to try to find a way out of the quagmire of misery and find gratitude for my life.  I don't know how long my life will be but each morning I make my list, I have my cry, and then I try and find my purpose and direction.  

So eloquently stated my dear!

[Guest Janka]

7 hours ago, brat#2 said:

All really good questions and ones I have asked myself repeatedly.  I wish I could give you answers, but I'm looking for them too.  I guess that is why "they" say don't make any major decisions or changes for a couple of years if you don't have too.  But even the smallest of decisions, like what is for dinner, without your partner, is difficult.  When your heart is broken nothing makes sense.

Dear Brat,

...my father had died...then my mother took away everything from me and made me homeless...she gave everything to my brother who also hasn´t spoken to me...she even didn´t tell me about the death of my grandparents...she said that I´m too beautiful,clever and young to find a rich man who can give me all I need...so wicked of her!...then came the hardest wound of the loss of my beloved man Jan...I was only about 30 y.o....my heart is broken more than 4 years...What can I say?And I don´t talk about a priest who was my support just a few months and then betrayed me too...I could write a book...So much pain in my life!!However despite of everything I have the two best friends of mine and my unsheakable belief in God...and I carry on...I have to...as one day I´ll be with my beloved man Jan again as one for eternity!He is my everything!!!...

Hugs from Janka

[iPraiseHim]

7 hours ago, enna said:

I would like to think that these are reflections rather than questions that you are looking for answers to. In my opinion, finding my purpose in life is about me rather than someone else. Finding my purpose is really listening to what my heart is saying about how I am going to go on when all I want to do is not go on. The choice is mine and it is up to me to find all the reasons I can to do so. I do not believe that the “voice” in my heart is gone ~ only quiet for a while so I am able to catch my breath after such a devastating loss. Those of us who come here have lost one of the most important people in our lives. As with any loss, spousal loss cannot ever be compared to another loss. We protect ourselves by putting up a shield all around us and think that this is how it will be from now on.

Enna, What you write is so profound.  I wish I knew how to save this so I can print it out to remind me daily.  Beautiful words.  This morning, as I was preparing for the day, I asked this question of myself and why do I react to life the way I do.  It was an Aha!  moment and so is reading this.  Thanks.  Shalom

[brat#2]

Dear Janka,

I'm so sorry for your plain and I understand your feelings of loss and betrayal.  I have also lost many of my family, but the hardest has been my beloved Dale.  I too, agree, that I need to carry on so that one day I will be with him forever.  He was my everything.  Hugs to you

[kayc]

Janka,

You have been the recipient of a traitor, it's hard to conceive of in the one person who should love you and be there for you throughout your life. I'm very sorry for your pain.

[scba]

Anne, beautiful and wise words. Thank you

All of you, thank you for your support, compassion, understanding. For sharing them with me and for letting us to help each of you. I am thanful for this forum.

[scba]

Janka, I cannot understand how that could have been done to you, nor why. It is beyond my understanding. I am very sorry you had gone through that and I hope they cannot hurt you anymore. 

[Margm]

Janka, I envy your unshakable belief in God.  I do not understand the priest, your mother and your brother.  You are beautiful and you surround yourself with beauty.

This morning I had to go to my mom's out in the country.  I was by myself.  I started thinking about the fact we never faced his death together.  I would tell him each night that he knew I could not live without him and all he would say was "I know."  I missed discussing plans with him. My plan, my only plan was his recovery.  I never would accept anything else.  And when he held his beautiful hands out to me in surrender, I got angry.  He left me within minutes later.  I was asleep and should have held him.  He loved me to hold him. So sometimes people say and do mean things when they don't mean to.  We were to have months.  We had weeks. Some people have less.  We had so much time together and we could be alone together and never be bored, even without talking.  So, this morning I remembered him saying that he was me and I was him.  How can I be alone, we are each other.  Maybe that is why I feel so sad, I cannot find me. I look for some sign.  I used to have a magical imagination.  Billy did not believe in magic or the supernatural.  Maybe us being one, he took the magic with him and I am left with his unbelief of the supernatural..  He did take the magic when he left.  No matter how long we have together, forever is not long enough.

[Gin]

These last few days have been hard to deal with since Al is gone.  First my Internet went out and I got a new modem/router from ATT.  Fine, but the phone plug is behind a heavy fine cabinet.  My daughter is coming over on Sunday to help me.  Then yesterday the radiator in  my car needs replacement.  Then today I could not turn off the water  in the bathtub.  Called a plumber and found out I have to have a lot of work done to replace the faucets.  They are too old and they have to go through the tile to replace them.  And hire someone to put up new tile.  All these things I would have shared with Al.  He was used to dealing with these things.  I am not.  I miss him so very much.

[Guest]

So sorry Gin.  It never rains but it pours!  Deedo would have separated them into swearing projects (she would need to leave the house) and non swearing projects.  From what you describe they would all be swearing projects with the exception of the modem/router.  

[kayc]

I know how that goes, I was without a router for months, until a Dish Network guy came out to troubleshoot something and he installed a new router for me and also set it up on my computers.  Love youngsters, they can do anything!

Last night I had a flu fire, it was really scary.  It was when the door was open on the wood stove & I was getting wood to put in it, just six feet away.  I heard what sounded like rain on the roof but it wasn't raining, so I looked up and I had flames shooting out the chimney and red hot cinders dropping all over the roof.  I ran in the house and closed the door the wood stove and closed the damper and it immediately stopped.  I had my chimney cleaned before Fall so I'm not sure why more built up than usual, but I'm having it cleaned again this weekend.  I pray it didn't damage my roof, I can't get up there to look and it hasn't rained since to find out.  Also the patio roofer is supposed to be out to fix the leaks today but he was supposed to be here 1.5 hours ago and hasn't called, so I hope he shows.  These are the things I hate dealing with, George used to always take care of stuff like this.  I miss him and his care so much, it's times like this I feel vulnerable.

[hollowheart]

Gin and Kay I'm thinking about you two.  Gin, your plumbing problem sounds similar to our electrical problem that we haven't done anything about yet. One of those things that is bigger than you want it to be. Ugh.

Not only would you two have your husbands to help you/do it for you, you'd at least have them to moan and groan about it with. As frustrating as things like that can be, when you have someone there to help it helps.

For me, I'm horrible at making decisions and I worry about being taken advantage of. My sister was good at speaking up. Sigh.

[Guest Janka]

53 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Janka, I envy your unshakable belief in God.  I do not understand the priest, your mother and your brother.  You are beautiful and you surround yourself with beauty.

This morning I had to go to my mom's out in the country.  I was by myself.  I started thinking about the fact we never faced his death together.  I would tell him each night that he knew I could not live without him and all he would say was "I know."  I missed discussing plans with him. My plan, my only plan was his recovery.  I never would accept anything else.  And when he held his beautiful hands out to me in surrender, I got angry.  He left me within minutes later.  I was asleep and should have held him.  He loved me to hold him. So sometimes people say and do mean things when they don't mean to.  We were to have months.  We had weeks. Some people have less.  We had so much time together and we could be alone together and never be bored, even without talking.  So, this morning I remembered him saying that he was me and I was him.  How can I be alone, we are each other.  Maybe that is why I feel so sad, I cannot find me. I look for some sign.  I used to have a magical imagination.  Billy did not believe in magic or the supernatural.  Maybe us being one, he took the magic with him and I am left with his unbelief of the supernatural..  He did take the magic when he left.  No matter how long we have together, forever is not long enough.

Dearest Margaret,

your words really touched my heart.I think that I live in a parallel world with my beloved man Jan.Many of people use to think the heaven is far away from the world we are left in,but I don´t think so.It´s just a parallel world that our loved ones live in for now,but so close to ours for always.I do understand.I also feel as one person with him.One part it´s him and another part it´s me,two hearts beating as one forever.When two do become one as well as we two did,the loss is really devastating.I must stand up each time to move on,but some things don´t ever go back to where they were...I´ll never stop crying for him.He is everything I have,I believe in and I love for eternity!I think the God had sent my beloved Jan into my life for getting know the true love between us that may change my whole life and then he had to go back to where he is waiting for me to come.He already finished his journey and now I have to finish mine.Once I´m done,I´ll see him again to be in his arms forever.I thank God for my beloved Jan!I have what the others can only dream of.Thanks,God!

Our beloved ones give us the signs.They love us,too so much and every chance they get,they try to remind us,because the true love never ends!

With love Janka

[Cookie]

Janka:  So sorry to hear about your troubles....big hug to you, Cookie